A vent.
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The breeze hitting my face was weirdly comforting. Sure, it was like ice pin needles pushing right through wet paths on my face but it was comforting I could feel something else than emotional pain. My feet kept dangling back and forth, hitting the concrete outside walls of the apartment building. I knew I was damaging my shoes like this, the heels were damaged enough for me to start caring about my things but oh well. The edge of the window was starting to be really uncomfortable under my body, yet I didn't feel like caring much.
The wind kept sweeping my hair to the side, I hated that. I hated when anything tried to expose my face, my forehead, I felt naked whenever someone could clearly see my face. It was the type of vulnerability I wasn't ready to show to anybody and there it was, caused by a stupid, annoying wind, giving me literal smacks across my face. With time, I grew colder and colder, my whole body shivering in response as wearing only a t-shirt and jeans wasn't very clever, considering the cold autumn months.
I'll miss them, some more than the others. I will miss the newbie for sure, we didn't even have a lot of time to get to know each other properly, yet we built up a bond I haven't had with somebody in ages. Maybe it was the height since for the first time, I wasn't the tallest, maybe it was that calm, angelic voice of his, maybe it was how actually chill he was regarding anything in life but all of these things gave me comfort in a way I didn't know I needed. And now, I was leaving all of it.
I saw Rye's car driving close to the house, arriving with all of the boys squeezed in that tiny space. I could feel my eyebrows twitching and the waterfalls really tried their best to get through the mental barriers I formed just to not get all weepy again. But as soon as I saw the boys getting out of the car, my vision began to blur, the blur intensifying with every passing second.
I couldn't, I wasn't ready to tell them, I wasn't ready to tell him.
The fight or flight response kicked in me, getting myself away from the window as quickly as possible for the boys to not be able to see me. Fuck, I felt so pathetic. I trusted them with my life but I couldn't be honest enough about my feelings? Like they didn't sense the change of my behavior before. But now, eyes all red and puffy and cheeks obviously stained in dried up salty tears, I knew I wouldn't be able to get away with this.
I ran down the stairs just to hear the lock of the front door opening. Fuck.
The panic in me sent me to the backyard, hoping to be able to just sneak around the house to get away and take a walk, calm down my racing mind. But no, the fear inside of me, the fear of the boys seeing me through the windows was high enough for me to hide in the pool area. The floor was wet, I was about to slip in any minute and the four-step walk towards the table seemed like two miles.
Before I could reach my desired destination, I was stopped by a familiar voice behind my back.
"Jack, you're up, good!" Sonny squeaked in an enthusiastic voice and I felt my heart cracking. How am I supposed to let the ray of sunshine know I won't be within his close presence anymore? My eyes were flooding again, fuck no.
"Are you alright?" Sonny asked as I heard the footsteps getting closer to me. I was trapped, I couldn't turn around to let him see me, I couldn't turn around to cause more suspicion. I just stood there, my back turned towards his face as I tried to blink away the tears that kept reappearing in my eyes. Why do I have to cry so easily, why do I have to overthink everything to cause me to tear up like that?
A pair of hands grabbed me by the upper arms, spinning me around. I kept my head low, avoiding the beautiful eyes above me.
"Jack, look at me, what's wrong?" His voice felt so calming yet it caused a storm of emotions inside of me, it was swirling like a huge tornado ready to swallow everything that stood in its way. I couldn't look up until he forced me to look up by taking me gently by the chin, yet putting quite some pressure on it to actually lift my head up.
"I am leaving Roadtrip."
I've never said those words out loud until now and fuck were they heavy. Too heavy to handle, too heavy to carry as I sobbed unintentionally.
"What- what are you talking about?" Sonny's voice cracked, my heart cracked.
"I can't do this anymore, I am drowning here I need to get out," I whispered while I tried to get away from his hold. But it increased, he wasn't letting me go.
"No, no what are you saying, you can't leave." Sonny's voice was full of denial as he wrapped his arms around my upper body. I tried to push him away, pressing my palms into his chest, trying not to look so vulnerable but I had zero strength. The emotions took full power over me, draining me, taking all of their power to use me, to starve me every single day.
"Ouch, you're hurting me!" I whined, his hold getting so tight it felt like my bones were crushing into powder.
"We'll get through this Jack okay? We will figure this out." He sounded so distressed, faking a calm voice as he held me tight, so tight I couldn't breathe properly. He was absolutely deaf to my words, did he care he is hurting me?
"Let go!" I had to raise my voice, tried to raise my voice. It set off fire in him.
"Fuck no, I am not letting you leave me!"
That scream he made was inhuman. It wasn't his voice, his typical, chilled voice that made me feel sleepy whenever he talked. The voice that made me feel secure whenever he called me by my name. The voice that made something in my heart bloom whenever I heard him sing. That voice that blended with mine so well it must have been illegal to not sing together. My whole body froze, why was he being so personal?
"What?" I cracked.
One blink away and his lips were on mine, kissing me like we've done it before. We haven't.
Like we were lovers the whole time. We weren't.
Like we've loved each other for decades. We haven't.
It didn't stop the waterfalls, it didn't make them worse but they blended with the kisses I received. Tears flowing in between our lips in a salty connection, I wanted to stop, I wanted to enjoy that kiss but I couldn't and the only thing that kept me from running away was the tight squeeze of Sonny's arms around my body, keeping me glued to the wet tiled floor.
I responded with a kiss back, that's when his hold loosened a little bit. And I kissed him again, it loosened again. My eyes started to droop and with the loose feeling around my arms, I could pull them out of the hold to wrap them around his neck. I wasn't trying to push him away anymore, no. No this was meant to be, this was our goodbye, this was our hello, nice to meet you. This was our I love my best friend, kiss.
It didn't last long enough tho.
"Please let me figure this out, don't leave me, you can't be leaving me," Sonny whispered as his eyes sparkled with tears and reflecting light.
"I have to go, I won't leave you, ever."
His forehead touched mine, tears dripping from my chin in regular intervals.
___
"I haven't seen you in, how long, a year maybe?" His eyes sparkled with happiness, reflecting the fairy lights illuminating the shared room.
I had no doubts Rye and Sonny will stick together after the band split up completely. I ran away in the perfect time, taking as little damage emotionally possible. Although, there was this unspoken thing between him and my little self, couldn't figure out if he even remembered.
"Yeah, it's been ages." I giggled, chatting with the handsome, tall boy in front of me. He hasn't changed a bit while I was a completely different person.
Our eyes locked in a way it brought a weird, hot potato kind of feeling into my throat, a lump being stuck there. Why? I've seen that gaze before, I've seen those pleading eyes, it was his eyes but for what occasion he looked at me this way?
Oh. The kiss, he did remember after all.
His hands on my cheeks, squeezing my face tightly to bring me closer as I stood up on the tiptoes of my feet. His face so close to mine, our lips touching in a delightful, nostalgic yet incredibly sad way. It was never more than this yet it felt just perfect. His lips soft like the most expensive cushions, tasting off energy drinks and easy-to-notice weed. I didn't taste any different and the more my lips were slipping against his, the more I was sure about how much I missed and craved that kiss.
"See, I told you I won't leave you," I whispered into his lips, smiling ever so slightly just to notice the change of atmosphere between us.
What's that, tears? Am I crying? It's not me.
"But you did, anyway."
My stomach dropped.