☺Chapter - 13 ☺
❤Dedicated to sereneserica for her sweet indulgence and initiating out healthy conversations with me on my stories and characters. Appreciate it ❤
❤Circles❤
Aashna
I feel warm sand beneath my feet, shimmering under the sun, its grainy texture rubbing against my heels. It's a good summer day on which I sit on the beach sipping watermelon slushie and doing my favorite pastime, that is, observing people. After a long time I have worn my white cotton shorts paired with a yellow top. I see many girls confidently laying in the sun with just a bikini and I wonder what day I will ever feel free to be like them. Or be like my former self because I used to be that carefree. But my current state is messed up, I have stopped taking care of my own body, what with my unwaxed legs or chewed up nails that are more white than pink. It's a windy day and the summer breeze tickles my legs as it blows from the east. I can hear waves crashing against the shore and distant chatter of families spending their Sunday on the beach.
I close my eyes, laying back, keeping the glass of slush away and letting the exposed parts of my body tan. I feel like I can sleep the whole day here because somewhere in my heart, the waves of my past have settled. I was so used to that fire burning inside that now it's nice to have it extinguished.
It has been a week or half since I have been avoiding Kabir. I played with Riddhi a lot and talked to Kalpana aunty for hours. She is too kind and sweet, someone who I would have liked my mother to be. Once she was but it was strange how people changed or society changed them. There's a whole new world out of those notions of society and it's sad my parents can't get out of it all. I'm glad I did. Of course I have to fight my battles and I'm still doing but everything is on my terms and mine to call, mistakes and achievements everything.
Thinking of achievements, can quitting a job be called an achievement if that's for good? Because yesterday I quit my job as a content writer and now I want to be a creative writer for a lifetime. I have decided to get back to fiction writing and I am afraid if I hadn't come around this decision, Tushaar would have pushed me insanely to do it anyway. He's crazy but a good motivation to be around. Yash hasn't voiced his feelings before me because he thought I was already dealing with the aftermath of my final breakup so it would upset me but it was Tushaar who announced them being official and honestly I became so happy for them. At least someone's falling in love and finding their yellow umbrella, irrespective of the gender.
As far as I'm concerned, like a lamp going off, my heart has closed itself off and in a very very weird way, that's kinda liberating though I have no answers to why it's being this way and I seek no more.
"Princess!" I hear a man's voice call out and my eyes shoot open to the blue wide sky, sensing the familiarity. I keep my hand above my eyes to shade from the sun and search among the families around until I finally find them. Kabir and Riddhi get closer to the waves laughing at each other and throw balls of wet sand doing each other dirty. A smile spreads on my face on its own as I watch them building castles and then playing a war of sand balls until Kabir's castle collapses and my Rui ka gola does her victory dance. Resting the side of my body on my elbow, I chuckle at their antics. Kabir drops to his knees and Riddhi pulls his hair like a horse's reins. Her giggles ring with the air around and come to me in waves of pleasure.
"Aaahhh!" Kabir groans as if that hurt him but I know how little strength his princess has so I am sure he must be faking it for her sake. "Leave princess!" He tries to free his long wet hair from her fists but she doesn't give up.
"No...no ..noo," the little girl sings, thrilled with her new game. With her wide smile and laughing eyes, it's like being on a date with a beam of sunshine. The weird part is that Kabir is having just as much fun as she is. He doesn't have that face on that so many other tourist dads and moms are wearing - the-when-is-the-nap-time face. You never see a real parent so jazzed to play whatever stupid kiddie sport their rugrat can think up.
He is as soft with her as he's cold with me and not that I minded because she's his daughter whereas I... am nothing to him now. Where there are walls, he softens me but now his walls are so high up that I fail to gather the strength to break through let alone climb them.
I can't be his but I guess I still am learning how to be mine first. Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us.
Yesterday I would have gone and tried being a part of the happy picture that Kabir and Riddhi are. Because yesterday I was hoping. But after that Kiss, things have changed. I see no point forcing myself between these two. My connection is with Riddhi and I have my good times with her when he isn't around. So I lay back on both the elbows and watch from where I am, as he anchors her on his shoulders. I can see how wary he is of not hurting her elbow. Her plaster is removed but inside it's a delicate business and none of us want to risk that. He takes her into the sea and she is happily squealing and I shake my head. She is such a water baby.
Waves of happiness and peace roll inside of me as I get up and pull on my shrug. It's better to leave before Riddhi notices me and Kabir gets uncomfortable. I don't really want any encounter with him.
Yes I will forever love him but with time I guess I will have to learn to accept his refusal. I'm working on it but it is still hurting me inside. Apart from that I'm pretty alright.
There is Tushaar, who I know finally happens to be Kukkie's brother-in-law. It's nice to talk to him but he never delves into complicated waters much. Sometimes when he does, he only makes sense and makes me act upon me. He's great at giving me another person's point of view or perspective. Someday I will maybe open up about my family situation, thanks to Kukkie he already knows a bit but still he never brings it up in our conversations.
Thinking about this and that, I finally reach home. The cabin. Stepping on the porch I feel for the thousandth time, like an abandoned railway station, where trains pass through but never stop. My thoughts keep fluctuating between negative and positive, just like the days that I'm living everyday.
It's an uncomfortable feeling, not knowing what to do, definitely uncomfortable like having a stone in my shoe.
I dump the damn slippers unceremoniously on a sun lounger and unlock the door to walk in. The braids of my Grecian goddess hairstyle have already loosened up so I run my fingers through them and free my hair.
A long shower and a sunset with green tea is all I need now to calm down the chaos of my heart again. It's crazy how Riddhi's presence always calms me down and her father blows a storm right into my face.
Who knew I'm going to get hit by the storm I was avoiding very soon again.
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Kabir
"Have dinner with us, then. We're going out, you should come!"
I hear my mom speak into the phone as I enter the living room, rolling my black shirt's sleeves up to my elbows. We are having dinner outside this evening and I thought to have a more sophisticated look. I stare at my mom's delighted face and then she is soon convincing someone at the other end with her words and I wonder who she is inviting to a family dinner.
My frown eases out as I get distracted by my princess's bunny shoes which have fancy lights in them and they make a funny noise. She is stepping on them voluntarily and smiling to herself with wide excited eyes. Chooo....chooo...choo choo choo..
"Princess!" I wink at her as she looks at me, "ye acha hai?" I point at my outfit.
She makes that gesture with her little hand that she often does these days. Joining her index finger to thumb and three fingers still up, she gleefully says, "Super!" That makes me grin and then she points to the white dress she is wearing and her shoes with both hands as if they aren't noticeable enough and asks, "ye acha?"
I walk with slow steps saying "acha..acha...acha.." at every step and then finally grab her into my arms and sweep her off the ground to swirl her in the air til her giggles surround us. "Boht acha!!" I exclaim and kiss her cute tiny nose and then pretend to eat her cheeks while she struggles to free herself, laughing all this while.
"Riddhu guess who's coming to dine with us?" Mom comes with a phone in her hand that she has just ended the call with. I put Riddhi down on the floor again and stare at my mom pointedly. I already know the answer to this but I still hope it will be different.
Riddhi is pointing her finger at the side of her head and then she taps her chin to give the impression of thinking and then mum laughs, "Aashu is coming buddhu!"
I press my eyes at the sight of a wide smile on Riddhi's face. She cheers and dances around her grandmother while I shake my head. "Great!" I throw my hands in the air and slump on the couch, resting my arms on the headrest either side of me.
"Why not Kabir?"
"Mom, it's a family dinner!"
"So? She is family too and what's going on between you both again huh? She never comes when you are around." Mom comments and I know this time her questions are inescapable.
It's true Aashna is avoiding me and I know. I saw her on the beach too this afternoon and she was walking to the parking lot with her back towards us. I was surprised that she didn't come and join us but then I am the plaque she was keeping away from. I should be happy because this is what I wanted but it still bugs me if someone is deliberately making sure she doesn't come face to face with me and especially when my mom notices and asks about it. So what do you tell her?
"You should probably ask her about that. What do I know?" I shrug and pull Riddhi's hand away from a loose thread on her dress that she is playing with. Lest she'll keep tugging at it and loosen the whole dress, ruining it.
"Kabir, be a man. You can't always run away and be aloof from all the female population in the world. Besides Aashna is so sweet maybe she can help you-"
"-okay I am not having this conversation with you mom please. Aarohi is irreplaceable and you promised me that you won't push me for this!" I cut her in between and laid my palms up.
Riddhi looks up at me and I try to sober my expression. "Aarohi mum...maaa!" She says, her eyes smiling but it breaks my heart each time Riddhi calls her mom and I know her mom is not coming to meet her ever.
I hug her close and peck her cheeks lovingly.
"I know I promised but Aashna hadn't come then. Now I see her here and a mother's heart can hope Kabir. I am not telling you to rush into something but atleast try?" Mom has that begging expression again and I hate to see it on her even if she just does it to get an upper hand in the argumets.
"I am sorry mom. I can't give you something like that." I talk over Riddhi's shoulders and when she taps my knee to pull away, I let her go and she wanders away into the kitchen.
"I am not asking for me. For you. For Riddhi." Mom sighs like she is tired of having this conversation with me time and again.
"Is it selfish mom?" I voice my thoughts, eyes still watching my little kid who manages to get the refrigerator door open. Mom comes and sits near me, her hand resting on my shoulders. "Is it selfish to think about me and not about our princess needing a mother?" I unleash my thoughts and look at mom. She is wearing a sad smile and shaking her head. "But you never know. You can try with Aashna, she loves Riddhu and Riddhu loves her too so maybe-"
"-maybe nothing Mom!" I interrupt her and come back to my senses. No this isn't the right time for this conversation and I won't let my personal space invade in any way. "I won't be able to do anything like that so please don't broach this subject again."
"I've seen the way she looks at you from the moment she has stepped on our property. What have you done Kabir? Have you guys met and fought before? In the past I mean." Mom can ask questions endlessly if she wants to. "Mom, this is not the time." I get up from the couch and walk into the kitchen only to see Riddhi jumping to grab a candy. I watch her do it for some time more and then she finally looks at me with puppy eyes and I help her. But when I start to give it to her she shakes her head and says it is for me. "Daddy no saddy saddy ok?" She smiles at me so cutely and I bend down on my knees before her. "Okay" I pinch her nose lightly and then pocket the candy in my pants pocket. I'll give it to her later but for now I'll let her think I'm keeping it for myself. I have come this far parenting her alone. I will go all the way through. I caress her growing hair at the back and get up. She runs to mom who's still sitting on the couch. Her eyes are moist and I know she is worried. She worries that she won't be here helping me for a long time. She worries that I'll be left alone and she worries that Riddhi will have to do all that worrying once she is gone. And I can't imagine a world where she isn't. Life has given me my share of tragedies and I ain't having them anymore. I walk back to them and sigh.
"Okay I'll behave but that's gonna be it." Moms still have her dubious eyes on me as she fixes Riddhi's hairband. I don't know what she is expecting with my behavior but I understand her questioning my actions and reactions whenever it comes to Aashna. If Aashna is being the runaway type as she doesn't want to face me, I ain't going to do the same and it's decided. We have to reach a common point between us somewhere.
Aashna
I don't know what is expected of me at this dinner but I am sitting opposite Kabir fudging Malhotra and he is staring at me. The hair on my back is rising again because honestly I've forgotten how much his presence affects me. I had seen him shirtless on the beach from afar but now this black shirt that's clinging to his huge biceps and the veins in his neck are pretty distracting.
Fine if he doesn't feel for me anymore but how do I stop feeling for him? How can I ever control? My emotions after all, are not an electricity switch that can turn off so easily. Before I didn't know how to fall in love but I did somehow and if it's meant to be maybe I'll fall out of love despite not knowing how.
But I will forever care about this man who is feeding his baby with so much patience. His big hands hold her in place, not letting her mess things on the table and her twinkling eyes are moving all around, accessing the new place and people. The music is playing softly, an old couple is dancing in the background that I now notice. "They are so in love".
"Love is a beautiful thing." Kalpana aunty speaks in a dream-like manner and that's when I realize I have commented my earlier statement out loud for them to hear. I glance at Kabir but he seems like he didn't hear, still focused on wiping Riddhi's mouth. When I look back at aunty, she is staring at the old couple, her eyes faraway as if she is remembering Kabir's dad.
"What was it like?" I can't stop asking her. She smiles and then takes my hand to squeeze lightly. "You ask me to tell you something that will take a lifetime to describe Aashna."
Her eyes still have a faraway look and I have to take my eyes off her because strangely it feels like I'm intruding on something. Her touch is so warm when she continues, "Love has its own life, far beyond the life of living beings, where it ends and where it begins. Have you never been in love?" Her question startled me and my heart suddenly floods with awareness as I look up at her and then quickly glance at Kabir. My eyes fluster and cheeks feel hot because there is this woman in front of me who is far more experienced than me and talks about love like she preaches it. Here I am, discouraged by Kabir's actions and doubting my own feelings. But there is no hiding, it is love. Maybe he too was in love with me throughout history. I refuse to believe that he wasn't.
Even if you want, you can never hate the things and people you once truly loved.
I wonder when my feelings will grow over him just as his feelings did over me. What type of love is this that changes people so much that it transforms to become someone else's, it begins flowing to a new person, like his did to Aarohi.
Maybe someday mine will flow where it's meant to be but it's all bullshit to me. This theory. It looks nice in thriller shows and books but never in a story of true love. I don't believe my love for him will flow anywhere but if it's not received by him then I will pour all of it into loving his daughter.
I don't realize my cheeks are wet until I hear Kabir clear his throat. I realize I am staring at him intently and tear away my gaze to look down embarrassed. What will aunty think of me? I wipe on my cheeks and at the same time Riddhi cheers in her own cute world, "Daddy pasta!"
We all giggle and I smile through my tears because she has a macaroni wrapped around her little pinky finger and then she puts it in her mouth. Children are messy but -cute- type of messy.
"Sorry about that." I glance at Kabir from the corner of my eye and then Kalpana aunty assures me it's alright by offering a glass of water.
The rest of the dinner passes with random talks. Kabir and I speak in a one word conversation but mostly we enjoy listening to aunty telling her time with his dad in their family fields and how he asked her hand to her family. Riddhi kept my mood light throughout and now she is sleeping on Kabir's shoulders as we decide to take a walk back home. We haven't gone too far and after having a sufficient meal, it's good to breathe in the night air.
"Thank you aunty. For inviting." I am genuinely grateful because after a long time it feels like I'm part of some family. I try hiding my tears again because I don't want to get emotional for the second time tonight. Thank god, Kabir is walking ahead of us and not with us. But aunty sees through my eyes and hugs me. I realize how much I need it. I let aunty comfort me in her motherly embrace.
"Back in India, papa used to take us out for dinner, Kukkie and I fought every time over the fennel served at last." I murmur reminiscing about the earlier days.
Coming out of the hug aunty caresses my face and then we start walking again, "Don't feel lonely. We're family, you can share anything." I nod and sniff, wiping away with my sleeves.
Aunty has a hint of my issues with my parents and she motivates me to solve whatever it is but she doesn't know exactly and if she knows she'd probably sympathize with my parents. But I'm glad she is very understanding. Apart from that she is very intuitive too because I have noticed how keenly she has her glances going on between her son and me. She is probably trying to turn something but I can't bear Kabir lashing out on me because of her if he is planning on something. I often found his jaw clenched this evening and was aware of looks passing between him and aunty.
We stop at the entrance of the pub and Kabir gives the sleeping beauty into Aunt's arms who wishes me good night and starts to walk inside. I lightly touch Riddhu's cheeks as she passes me because how come anyone's supposed to hold back loving my Rui ka gola?
"Good night aunty." I call out and then turn to Kabir, who I think will go to the brewery to check on things. "Good night Kabir." I am just turning around to head to the cabin when he stops me, "Aashna!"
I press my eyes and take a breath before turning back to him. "Actually we need to talk." He decides.
"I don't think so." I shake my head and start to turn around again. He holds my wrist and stops me. My heart dances on an irregular rhythm and I face him, my eyes wide and gazing at his hand holding mine. He follows my eyes and lets his hold loose until his hand falls back to his side. "Sorry" he apologises. My skin tingles where he has touched me and I push my hand into my jeans pocket.
"How long will we go on like this?" He asks, stepping close, penetrating my personal space.
"Like what?" I ask, not faltering my daring spirit.
"This, Turning around in circles! You live in my vicinity, you can't just ignore me all the time. Look mom's noticing your behavior." He has the nerve to blame it on me and that riles me up.
"Oh my behavior? Am I turning around in circles? Kabir! You were the one who was avoiding me like a leech a few weeks back, you are the one who keeps treating me nice one day and cold the other day. Actually you know what? I am into your circle and you're spinning me around as you like and this one time I try to keep myself away, you come and control me again." I throw my hands up in the air. He just scoffs and his eyes blink into slits when he opens his mouth to retort, "I have my reasons to treat you like that and you're very much aware of that. Besides talk about me being controlling when I have no control over who comes and goes over me. You then Aarohi and then you again!"
I'm breathing hard but the mention of Aarohi shuts me up. She's not to blame in all of this and he inhales a deep breath when he realizes that he is talking about his dead wife.
"What do you want from me?" He asks as if he doesn't know. "Nothing!" I reply and close my eyes. In my heart I want a happy life for both of us but sadly it won't be together as I thought.
"No wait! Let's just talk like adults okay?" He has calmed down and is ushering me to walk. "Fine." I stare up at the night sky, a few white smokes of clouds floating above us and some stars are peeking from behind. It's a beautiful night.
"Let's go on the roof and talk na?" I suggest but he stiffens and denies. That makes me frown but nevertheless I follow him to the cabin's porch and we sit down on the bean bags in the verandah.
"Coffee?" I offer though I already know the answer. I asked anyway because I don't know what else to say to him.
"I don't drink coffee anymore." He sighs, his gaze fixed on the sky.
"Okay!" I mumble to myself and play with my nails. His presence is very substantial and I shut my eyes to savour the silence.
"I'm sorry I kissed you. I shouldn't have." He mutters and my eyes shoot back wide open. I know he regretted it but hearing it in his voice just does away with my tender feelings.
This is such a weird night. A night of breakdowns, a night of hopes dying and this is also the night of some truth bombs that are gonna blow off between us.
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