As I opened the door of the Jeep, Ethan was already putting his seatbelt on.
I lifted myself up and into the vehicle, now sitting opposite of him.
Bringing the strap around my body, I clicked it into the holder.
When I was situated, my chest slowly fell as my eyes closed. My left foot was restless, tapping the floor with an off-beat rhythm.
Sitting in a silent ponder, the memories of that car ride with Drew kept filling my mind.
I remembered how he acted.
My stomach churned with a new type of sickness.
"What's your address?"
I fought back my inner pains and turned to the boy.
After answering his question, I looked over at the radio.
With the turn of the knob, the station changed.
And then...
The lyrics poured into my ears.
♫ Well, you only need the light when it's burnin' low ♫
Not this song...
♫ Only miss the sun when it starts to snow ♫
♫ Only know you love her when you let her go ♫
This was one of the many songs I listened to when we tore apart, one of the songs I put on repeat after the split.
♫ Only know you've been high when you feelin' low ♫
♫ Only hate the road when you missin'
home ♫
♫ Only know you love her when you let her go ♫
These lyrics never failed to bring back the pain that use to harass my every spare thought.
♫ And you let her go... ♫
I remembered the conflicting feelings I would constantly have on those lonely nights. I remembered the hurt.
♫ Staring at the bottom of your glass ♫
♫ Hoping one day you'll make a dream last♫
♫ But dreams come slow, and they go so
fast ♫
The ones where I asked myself if I still loved him.
♫ You see her when you close your eyes ♫
♫ Maybe one day, you'll understand why ♫
♫ Everything you touch surely dies ♫
The weight in my chest was so hard to bear.
♫ But you only need the light when it's burning low ♫
♫ Only miss the sun when it starts to snow ♫
♫ Only know you love her when you let her go ♫
I slumped over on the car door, staring out the window.
♫ Only know you've been high when you're feeling low ♫
♫ Only hate the road when you're missing home ♫
♫ Only know you love her when you let her go ♫
Watching as we passed by familiar places, I realized that I was actually safe.
♫ Staring at the ceiling in the dark ♫
♫ Same old empty feeling in your heart ♫
♫ 'Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast♫
Ethan was humming to the music, his low voice rumbling through the sound waves.
♫ Well, you see her when you fall asleep ♫
♫ But never to touch and never to keep ♫
♫ 'Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep ♫
He was oblivious to the fuck-up he was sitting beside.
♫ Well, you only need the light when it's burning low ♫
♫ Only miss the sun when it starts to snow ♫
♫ Only know you love her when you let her go ♫
I sighed in exhaustion, the day hadn't gone to plan whatsoever.
♫ Only know you've been high when you're feeling low ♫
♫ Only hate the road when you're missing home ♫
♫ Only know you love her when you let her go ♫
I need to be in my room, isolated from the world.
♫ And you let her go ♫
♫ Oh, oh, mm, oh ♫
♫ And you let her go ♫
♫ Oh, oh, uh, uh ♫
♫ Well, you let her go ♫
Peace and quiet is all I crave at this point in time, it's all I want. No more pain. No more terror. No more regret. No more hate. No more anything right now.
♫ 'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low ♫
♫ Only miss the sun when it starts to snow ♫
♫ Only know you love her when you let her go ♫
How am I supposed to pretend I'm okay when I can't even convince myself?
♫ Only know you've been high when you're feeling low ♫
♫ Only hate the road when you're missing home ♫
♫ Only know you love her when you let her go ♫
Tears welled up in my eyes, the moment felt so melancholic as I listened to the song.
♫ 'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low ♫
♫ Only miss the sun when it starts to snow ♫
♫ Only know you love her when you let her go ♫
Trying to hold back the emotion, it was always hard when the song came to an end.
♫ Only know you've been high when you're feeling low ♫
♫ Only hate the road when you're missing home ♫
♫ Only know you love her when you let her go ♫
Against my best efforts, the final verse shattered me.
♫ And you let her go... ♫
I immediately put my hands on my face, covering the raw emotions that I couldn't contain.
"María," Ethan said, "do you feel worse?"
Not responding, I turned my entire body away from the boy.
My hands were shaky, barely able to keep being lifted up.
The next song came on, but I payed no attention to it.
I curled my legs and held myself with the remaining strength.
Breathe, just breathe.
After gathering myself, I was able to mutter out, "Just... get me home."
~~~~
I was a frenzy of anxiety as I slammed the car door shut, cutting off whatever Ethan was saying.
Rushing towards the front door, I couldn't help but struggle on my feet.
Unlocking the door and pushing it open, I leaned inward and almost lost my balance in the doorway.
I was a nervous wreck, a ball of overwhelming pain.
With every step I took, there was an ache that followed.
My whole figure was weak and tired, but I wobbled up the stairs.
I could hear the dogs barking and my dad speaking, but those were background noises compared to the ringing in my ear.
The world spinning and the ground leveling; the halls narrowing and the ceiling collapsing; my bones shaking and my muscles tensing; the air thinning and my breath laboring.
Somehow, I made it to my room and managed to lock the door behind me.
A sense of nausea overcame me and I ran into the bathroom, hitting a wall and landing on the ground.
I had no time to get up, so I violently dragged myself towards the toilet and flung the lid open.
Jerking my head back, I gagged uncontrollably until vomit expelled.
Jolts of pain ran through my side and rolled up through my body.
No relief was given to me as I threw up, over, and over, again.
Tears pouring while my arms were shaking.
It was like my body was tormenting me on purpose.
~~~~
With the toilet flushing, I fell backwards and leaned on a wall, I wiped sweat from my forehead, drenching my hand.
And without a care, I ran my sleeve over my mouth.
The only word that came out of my mouth was, "fuck."
(A/N- Well... it won't get easier from here, not for María. Just you wait...
Also, I have big plans to catch back up on my writing, but at the moment I have to take care of some things in my life.
Love you ❤️)
(Hamster Fact: hamsters have four toes on their front paws and five toes on their back paws.)
(-Hamster)
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