YEAR 847~
I walked back to the barracks, the silence around every turn comforting me. Nobody to remind me of the horrors and trauma that I had witnessed, but yet, no one to comfort me.
The floorboards creaking underneath my shoes was the only sound audible. I kept my eyes trained at my feet, until while turning a corner, I ran into someone.
I looked up, to see that the girl was furrowing her eyebrows. "What're you doing, dipshit," she paused for a moment, squinting at me a bit, "It's dinner time."
I rolled my eyes a bit and sighed, pushing past her, our shoulders colliding a bit at the action. Our pinkies grazed as well. Skin numbed where we had made contact. I didn't get a good look at her, and honestly I didn't care.
"Not my fault if you starve," she added, shrugging, then her footsteps resumed in the opposite direction, slowly fading out until they were no longer audible.
Her words and being were quickly evaporated from my mind, having not paid attention to her in the first place, and my feet continued to carry me to the barracks.
As my hand pushed the oak door open, my eyes befell a sea of empty mattresses and contempt silence, my breath was the only thing to break the silence.
I sat on my bed, frustrated, and ran my hands through my hair. I could feel the bruised lump on my head, still present from hitting it this morning. I sighed, and grabbed the bandages from the drawer in my bedside stand. Luckily, my shower had cleaned up all the dried blood and dirt that would've infected it.
I took the bandage roll and outstretched enough to wrap a few times around my head, then cut it with a small knife that had been with the aid kit.
A double take of the knife beckoned my interest, for it definitely didn't belong in any ordinary med kit. The knife was interesting and complex, the metal curving downwards to a point, with intentional discoloration fading the silvery exterior of the blade.
The hilt, however, was a polished, dark, forest green; and there were metal etchings of ivy leaves and marigolds travelling up the sides of the blade.
Overall, the dagger was extremely beautiful, and somehow holding it in my presence terrified me. Almost as a bad omen. It was also unbelievably sharp. Someone had to have put serious time in effort into maintaining the acute edge of the knife, which also concerned me a bit.
Without a second thought to it, I placed the knife inside my nightstand's drawer, separating it from the med kit.
Taking the bandages into my hands, I wrapped my head, and secured them with the fastener. I turned to look in the mirror, only to find my hair disheveled and strangely shaped due to the constricting nature of the bandages.
Looking in the mirror at my handiwork was... interesting. The medic definitely did a better job, but I didn't want their help anymore, or even ever again.
I let out a final groan of frustration before deciding that I should, after all, eat dinner.
And so, I left the bandages on the nightstand, with the dagger tucked inside the drawer, and allowed my feet to carry me to the dining hall.
*****
As I finally walked into the dining hall, I shunned my fellow comrades.
They all just viewed me as an arrogant, stick up the ass invertebrate without any real experience to accomplish my goals. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the pressure I placed upon myself, but I refuse to show them that I can break my resolve.
I grabbed a tray of food, and sat far away from everyone.
They had all annoyed me today anyways.
The bitterness was pooling inside of me, and I absentmindedly let out a huff mixed with rage and relief.
"Ignoring them does you no good, you know that right?" A voice from behind me stated, in a calm, hushed tone.
I turned around to see a tall girl, a confident smirk placed upon her lips.
She had to have been the one I ran into earlier, but this was my first time truly getting a look at her.
She had dark hair, along with dim eyes that showed absolutely no emotion, yet she still seemed to look sad. There was a thin scar that ran from her forehead, through her eyebrow, and down to her cheek, appearing as though it had been the result of a knife, cutting her with precision. The eye still had vision, but she was just intimidating.
It seemed like there had been a grave toll on her, one that nobody would find unless she wanted it to be discovered.
She emitted a strong aura, and it was clear that she was not someone to mess around with. Trust, damage, they were two sides of the same coin for her, one I did not want to flip.
"What's it to you, you don't know anything about me," I retorted, not wanting to put up with any more entitled crap.
She sat down beside me and sighed, a bored look on her face, "Eren Jaeger. Used to live in the Shiganshina District. Destined to prove that titans are beatable; destined to prove that you can make a difference in this world to make up for the fact that you couldn't save someone you loved."
She let out a breathy, sarcastic chuckle, then continued, "And worst of all, you take your anger out on other people rather than working it through by yourself. Armin and Mikasa aren't at fault here, and you know that."
I looked at her in annoyance, "I don't even know you. If you want to keep reciting all this bullshit about me like you know me, go ahead, but I'm not listening unless I think your words have any value."
"I had a feeling you'd say something like that," a slow smile creeping across her face, her lids heavy in the dimly lit room, "I'm Josephine Denman. I'm from the Haikyo district in Wall Maria."
I turned to her, shock apparent on my face.
"Did you- Did you see them that day?" I asked, quietly.
"I have my own terrors to worry about, and you have yours."
I slammed my hands on the table, causing the dining hall to momentarily go silent, before hushed chatters resumed. "Answer the damn question, Josephine," I seethed out of my barred teeth.
"Whether I understand the grandeur of the world or not, doesn't change the fact that we are sitting in the same dining hall right now, eating the same food, training to be the same mindless soldiers who will die upon command. We are no different." She sighed out, not bothered by the harsh demeanor of her words. Her fingers began to lightly swirl about the brim of her cup, tracing thin circles as she unwaveringly stared into it.
"We're not the same, hell we're nothing alike!" I grunted out.
"Complacency gets you nowhere, Eren." She stated, as she rubbed her temple with her hand, "If you let your drive to 'fix' the world go unchecked, you'll just remain the same mindless sheep you hate to be."
"You're probably just some MP fool, driven by the greed to let others die for your comfort," I asserted, crossing my arms.
She laughed a bit, "I don't like the MP's, I never have, and I never will. Their only purpose is to protect those that need no protection. They're all useless. Even they don't utilize the threshold of their potential, of their abilities; no matter how diminishingly low that potential may be."
"Then who are you? What's the point of training to be a soldier if you don't think you can actually change anything?"
She took a sip from her water cup, not breaking eye contact with me. She leaned in close, a little too close for comfort, and simply stated, "I'm someone with nothing better to do."
She then leaned back into her chair, acting exactly as she had just described herself. This conversation was a game to her, just like everything else that surrounds her.
"I don't care what kind of twisted bullshit you have in your head! I'm going to rid this world of all the titans" I nearly shouted, my voice dripping with aggression, "I'm going to kill them all."
She tilted her head down a bit, closed her eyes, and began to smirk.
"What the hell is so funny to you, Denman? Why is devoting your heart such a damn challenge to you?" Frustration was irking out of me. If she hadn't been more-than-likely taller than me and able to hand me my ass, I would've punched her already, I guarantee it.
Her face remained stoic, with a hint of mischief glimmering in her eyes. She simply took another sip of water, and set the cup down.
She pondered at it for a few seconds, her left pointer finger resumed tracing the brim of the cup.
Finally, she began, "Nobody ever actually needs each other. We can all get by on our own, most just choose not to.
"There's no difference in how we die. We all, inevitably, will one day draw our last breath, and succumb to the numbness we've protested feeling our entire lives. Our bodies will lay cold, reduced to entities devoid of thought, of dreams."
"But we can make a change-- We can fix this world so that those who follow us never have to bear the same burdens." I stated, a knot that had developed in my eyebrows kept them flexed.
"Yeah, but who's to say you won't destroy the world in the process? You're so blinded by rage and hatred of an external force that you may cave in on what matters.
"So tell me, with the precious time you possess on this earth, do you think you're going to make a change? Do you think I'm going to make a change? No. We'll leave this world continuing the cycle of violence, unable to ever actually break the walls in which our contempt little society ordains by." She stared into my eyes once again, eliciting a scoff from me.
"You don't know what it's like out there with the titans, so stop spewing all this depressive bullshit! You're just repeating the same cynical crap over and over again!" I shouted angrily at her, turning more heads than before.
"Maybe once you stop making empty promises, I'll stop being brutally honest with you." She merely stated, then she stood up and got out of her seat, taking her tray and cup with her.
She disappeared into the sea of heads leaving the dining hall, and my eyes trailed her as she walked off.
What the hell was her problem?
Why make such big statements to someone on a second encounter? What did she even sort out to gain from that?
Suddenly, Armin and Mikasa sat down beside me, breaking me away from my rampant train of thought.
I merely huffed at them, not really wanting to talk after that encounter with Denman.
"What happened, Eren?" Mikasa asked, as stoic and calm as ever. Her unwavering demeanor angered me at times, why couldn't she show some pitiful ounce of regard for the world in which she lives?
"That asshole is just an empty bastard with no goals," I growled, "She doesn't have what it takes."
Armin just stared solemnly back and forth at me and Mikasa. I don't think he knew what to say.
"At least she's honest," Armin said quietly, under his breath-- surprising me with his abruptness, "We heard some of what you guys were saying. Honestly, I think the whole hall did."
I tilted my head at him, furrowing my eyebrows.
"She knows what she's getting into and she deems it meaningless, but that just shows how she understands the futility of our lives. She's not selfish, in that respect at least," Armin blurted out, rather fast paced.
He continued on, slower this time, "Those who see everything as meaningless, have nothing to lose or gain in this world."
He paused for a moment and met my eyes.
I guess he does have a point.
"Doesn't matter how unselfish she is, her world view is the ultimate problem with her."
Armin stared into my eyes for a second, before turning away and saying "We don't have the right to judge her. We don't know what she's been through, just like how Jean doesn't understand the threat of titans."
I shot Armin a glare then got up, taking my tray with me. I put it away, then left the barracks to go outside.
I crossed my arms over the rail as I leaned on it, taking in the stars and nature outside.
It was a pretty night, fairly silent, yet I can still hear the faint muffles of laughter from inside. I kept trying to distract myself, but no matter what, her words kept running circles in my mind, unable to leave.
Who's to say you won't destroy the world in the process?
I shuddered thinking about that line she said. It terrified me to my core. What was her motive to say that? She doesn't know me as anything more than a name on a page, another informant to remember, yet she read right into my greatest subconscious fears and worries.
I refuse to be another meaningless death. I am going to count and be worthy, no matter the cost. As long as my friends are safe, that's what matters. They just need to be safe.
They have to be safe.
Could I really destroy people I care about and love, just to attain my goals?
No. No, I would never.
I was snapped out of my trance when I heard someone begin to speak and tap my shoulder.
"Hey, dickwad."
I glanced over at the Denman girl and didn't respond, but she just brought her arms to the balcony and crossed them as well, mocking my position.
It was silent for a few minutes, we were just gazing at the stars. It was a strangely harmonic moment, and it felt like nothing was being gained or ventured.
I finally broke the silence, "Did you come here just to chastise me again?"
She quietly puffed some air out of her lungs, and drew a small smile upon her lips. She gently closed her eyes, and tilted her head back.
"You're an interesting kid, Jaeger."
My face contorted in disgust, "We're literally the same age-- Stop calling me a kid," I paused for a second, before muttering "Dumbass," under my breath.
She turned her head to look at me, opening her eyes to do so, and raised an eyebrow, "That's not the point. You act like a kid so obviously, I'm going to call you one."
"I do not act like a kid!" I huffed out, closing my fists.
"Then what the hell are you doing right now, huh?" She nodded her head downwards a bit, staring into my soul through her brow bone, "The drive you've got is admirable though. I'll commend you on that much."
"So are all of our conversations just going to be cynical? Are all of them just going to be contradictory?" I stated, glaring at her.
"They don't have to be, but it's just easier this way."
"I-" She immediately cut me off.
"Like I said earlier, we're all going to die merciless deaths at some point, I'd rather cause some confusion in my limited days than sit here idly, being all goody-goody, without seeing anything fun happen."
"So it's all a joke to you?"
"Yeah."
We returned to our silent state after that.
Eventually, two guys walked out of the dining hall. One was really tall with dark brown hair, and the other was a very built blonde. I think their names were Bertholdt and Reiner.
Upon seeing them, Denman quietly left my side and went to join them. They stayed still in their position in relation to the hall, and I could see her genuinely laughing and talking. It didn't seem harsh or demeaning, as if she was actually holding a nice conversation.
Upon evaluating them more, I realized that they were three of the best people at the ODM gear this far-- Excluding Mikasa. Asking them to help me out would probably be the best case scenario, even though I'd have to swallow all my pride to do it.
I closed my eyes and sighed for a second, mentally preparing myself for what I was about to do.
After I mustered all the strength I could to talk to them, I finally allowed my feet to carry me in their direction.
"Yeah I know! And then she marked me up for that. A little intense for my tastes, but hey, at least I was noti-," Josephine began to trail off as she saw me approaching the trio.
"Hey!" The guy I believed to be named Reiner said.
"Look I-" I paused, feeling her glare into my soul intensifying by the second, "I really hate to ask this. But could you guys please help me out tomorrow with the ODM gear?"
Denman squinted and looked into my eyes, a wide smile beginning to form on her face. I would've felt some semblance of happiness from it, but it honestly just felt extremely demeaning.
Reiner was the first to pipe up, whereas Bertholdt stayed silent.
"Of course we'll help," Reiner expressed, a smile present on his face, "If you can't even get past the first round, then we'll never be able to compete."
I chuckled a bit at his response and smiled.
"Thank you so much!"
Josephine looked at Bertholdt, encouraging him to speak with her eyes. She also elbowed him a bit, suggesting that maybe he shouldn't just be quiet.
"Yeah that sounds good," He breathed out, "We'll see you down at the ODM training area at 6 a.m. tomorrow, does that sound alright? That way we can eat breakfast afterwards and then if you still need more help before the final assessment there's still time."
"Perfect plan, Bert." Denman exclaimed, and I nodded in agreement.
Bertholdt then walked off with Josephine, leaving Reiner and I alone together.
"Do they know each other? I didn't know she could be friendly..." I asked quietly, slowly trailing off at the end of my question, confused at her actions for the fiftieth time today.
"Well, Bert has always been fairly quiet, and at some point after the fall of Wall Maria, he met her. I don't know much about their encounter at that time, I just know she was in really bad shape," Reiner stated, devoid of emotion.
He continued on, "She stayed with us two for the majority of the time between then and now, disappearing for weeks at a time occasionally, but always turning back up. She and I never really grew too close, but she really cares about Bertholdt, so we have a mutual interest."
I stood there, perplexed, "What do you mean she would disappear?"
Reiner sighed, "If you want to know about that, you'd have to ask her yourself. I already feel like I'm oversharing on the very little that I know."
"Oh- Uh- Okay," I managed to get out.
Reiner looked me in the eye, nodded, then walked back to the barracks, leaving me completely alone outside.
It was a weird feeling.