She knew she wasn't supposed to feel this way.
She KNEW!
This was her best friend. The one guy friend she knew she could never fall for.
It was a rule in the rule book, right? It was written in the friendship contracts to never happen.
Cause if the other friend does NOT reciprocate the feelings, the whole relationship is down the drain. The one thing these types of friendships could not allow, nor come back from.
But the morning when Bucky's sleepover pal came banging on the bathroom door, it led to him being pushed against her in a very intimate way. Add in the little to no barrier of clothes, it definitely sparked something that she hadn't felt before. Something she never thought she would feel for Bucky.
Then covering for him and making a fool of herself just to help him out. The only reason she shoved him out the door and teased him was that she needed to get a grip. Two more seconds of trying to play it cool while there were no clothes under that towel, and Bucky wearing only THIN boxers, those little sparks were going to grow into a much bigger fire.
Then there was the surprise pick-up at the senior home for movie night. She had finally got her head out of the clouds at that point, and here he comes striding in, in those blue jeans and that tight gray t-shirt he wore under his leather jacket.
Damn, he was attractive.
She'd known this for a while, but never acted toward it or felt anything about it. Then that stupid crooked smile that he always gave her appeared. Every time she stepped in a room or made eye contact with those ocean blues, that corner of his lips lifted before bringing up the rest. Making it crooked but sincere.
Then the movie night did little things to her. Like when she moved to cuddle into his side, nothing out of the ordinary, but this time she was focused on how she was sitting.
Was she in an awkward position? Was he comfortable where she was? Is her elbow digging into his leg? Can he hear her breathing? Then the feeling of his eyes on her, and the thought that he was smiling at her squirming made her curl up more in comfort.
It wasn't all just physical though. It was definitely emotional too. She loved the feelings of when he opened up to her. She felt accomplished with getting to Bucky. She felt intimate and trusted by him. She felt content in those moments of helping him and listening. She was emotionally connected to him too. Always had been.
But after how he reacted to her trying to help with the meditation, it threw her for a loop. She thought maybe the feelings COULD be mutual. With how well they got along, how often they teased the other, how goofy they could be... It could happen, right?
Wrong. The way Bucky tensed at her touch and the way he practically sprinted away as she tried to calm him down, proved her thoughts right.
So the next day, she made a note when she woke up and put it by the coffee pot to make things not so awkward for the two. Then she went on to a few of her private classes but still couldn't get it out of her head.
She went to Wanda, asking if she was the only one that picked up on the weird vibes, and then went to paint to really ease her mind. She struggled to clear her mind even in her usual ways because of how jumbled he was making her emotions and eventually; going home, taking a nap and shower, doing her hair, and rummaging through her closet until she found the perfect outfit for her night out.
If she was really going to get her mind off things, she was going to need to find some new interest.
That's when Thor happened.
Just minutes after approaching the bar she spotted him down the way. He was sneaking cute and subtle, then not-so-subtle glances her way. One's she definitely found herself sending as well.
He was hot. God, he was the idea of a God. He was... He was a stunning man. And when he came to talk in that sweet sweet accent offering a few drinks on him, she almost melted. The next thing she knew, they were talking for 30 minutes. Blushing, giggling, light teasing; all the works.
But as soon as Steve and Y/N were walking back from the bar, Y/N saw Bucky in the booth with their friends rolling his eyes, yet laughing at a joke Sam said, she couldn't help herself. He still had some magnetic pull to her and she couldn't place it. Where did it come from? Why so sudden? Why so random?
But was it really random?
Anyway, Y/N kept sneaking glances back at Bucky throughout the night. Keeping an eye on him. Something seemed off from the usual and she needed to put her problems to the side to help Bucky. At least that's how she saw it.
So when Steve was struggling to keep him sitting up in the booth, she nudged Maria to go get a quick drink just to do a quick check-in.
"I can take care of him if you want to stay Y/N/N. Really, you should enjoy your night. I've done this enough with Bucky. I can handle it," Steve said, trying to get the giant dark-haired man off of her, but he held tighter to her. "Buck-"
"Really, it's fine. I'm a little drunk myself, and I'm worn out from dancing all night. I'm pretty sure I'm ready to go home."
"You're pretty, alright. You're really pretty," Bucky smiled again, pulling her into his side.
"Thanks, Buck. You're pretty too," she laughed. "How long for that cab, Stevie?"
"She called me pretty, Rogers! You hear that?!" Bucky gleamed but was ignored by all those around him.
She was blushing hard at that. Hell, she had been blushing with all the little comments he gave her that entire night.
"The outfit is perfect for you, Sassy!"
"Did you do something new to your hair? I like it."
"Wish I had your dancing spirit, sugar."
"You're a dork, Y/N/N. That's why I love ya."
Lucky for her, the lighting was very dark, so no one could notice the tomatoes that now covered her cheeks.
Then Steve called a cab, and with how intoxicated he was, she wasn't comfortable with leaving his side. Steve had helped before, many times in college, but she wanted to be the one to help. He had done so much for her, it was the least she could do.
The car ride home was something else. Being a lot more buzzed than drunk, she was able to take in the sweet feeling of Bucky resting his head on her shoulder and melting into her. The sweet and childish gesture that she took advantage of by combing her fingers through his hair. Letting the silky dark brown, almost black strands, glide through her fingers. The smell of subtle woodsy musk, mixed with a fresh laundry scent. Clean and comforting. How does someone still smell that good after a night at a club?
Getting home she was tired and she saw Steve had it under control. Plus, he was relentless in letting her get to bed and him taking care of Buck. So she called it a night.
Then just seconds from a deep sleep, she heard the thudding of feet by her door. She knew those feet because they stepped past her room every morning when he usually makes coffee for them both before she woke. A simple and platonic gesture she was sure, but sweet and heartwarming nonetheless.
She stumbled out of bed half asleep, but more worried about what he was doing up.
"Buck? What are you doing?" Y/N said, coming in and rubbing her eyes.
"You're adorable," Bucky chuckled, looking at her as if for the first time.
"What's with you and all these little compliments all night? You usually tease me like an older brother," she said with a tilted head, but not being able to help the small sheepish smile that was forming.
The smile she couldn't help, but she was speaking the truth. He had been complimenting her all night when he usually did tease her like a brother. But she watched his face drop some at clear embarrassment and then quickly became lost in thought. She decided she wasn't going to push it.
"Wanna watch a movie in my room, ya big mess?" she asked with another yawn as she started the microwave. The truth was she was still concerned about Bucky's recent behavior and wanted to spend some time with him in hopes things would go back to normal. Even if it was 2 in the morning and she actually did want to knock out in her room.
"You were sleeping Y/N/N. I don't want to-"
"Movies help you fall asleep. Plus, we never got to finish our movie the other night anyway," she interrupted, grabbing a giant bowl from a top cabinet.
So they went to watch the movie, and this time when Y/N cuddled into his side, she easily found comfort. He wasn't tense anymore, or not that she noticed, so she wasn't tense. This was just another night. She could move on. She WAS moving on. This was just a small step.
But the next morning after racing to her private lesson, she got a text. Finishing up and putting her gear/ yoga mat up, she heard a ding come from her gym bag. The notification popped up from Thor. The two had talked a little, but now he was asking her out. His schedule finally opened and he wanted to treat her to dinner.
This was it. This was the next small, or rather, big step to take. If she was really going to push these sudden butterflies for Buck away, she needed to move on to someone she actually could be with.
And lucky for her Thor was a great distraction. One that she hadn't realized she was using for more than just Bucky. But her worries and doubts about life.
If she could just escape and distract herself from it with someone else, it would go away eventually, right? That's how it went?
Eh. Not particularly.
You see, the dance kinda took a spin that she wasn't ready for. For the last 5 days or so, she had been doing fine with Thor. He had kept her mind off of things and given her a new interest in the world. She wasn't using him but actually enjoying trying new things and dates with the burly blonde. She was enjoying herself and it didn't feel like a distraction. It was a new relationship she was actually growing fond of. One she felt secure in.
Then the dance happened. She came home early just an hour before Bucky. She lit up at seeing him after so long and immediately gave him a big bear hug. Things were good. Emotions were under control.
But then...
He started bragging about all the girls he had over, and how her being out was probably a good thing for the both of them. That was a decent punch to the gut, but she reeled it in when she came back to, "That's Bucky." The man was a player and that wasn't news. Maybe things weren't as different as she had thought. However, the jealousy tickling her stomach was new.
So, she decided to dress up the pain. She grabbed a dress she had bought like 5 months ago but never had the want or reason to wear it. The sweet red, simple, yet charming dress. She knew she looked good in it and wanted to feel good, so she took advantage of it.
She thought she heard Bucky mumble something about her looking nice, but she brushed it off figuring she was just imagining it.
Lucky for her, as soon as they got to the dance, Steve offered another quick distraction. Which she was going to need thanks to Bucky's damn top buttons being undone and showcasing the perfectly built chest he had. He had been working out more lately and it was showing.
"No. None of that thinking Y/N," she told herself. "Worry about the dance."
The dance was good though. Stan kept her occupied, as did Wanda, Sam, and many of the residents, but that didn't stop her from glancing his way when she could. He was laughing and having a great time talking to the seniors. The small group of women that lived there practically attached to his hip. It was cute. Like really cute.
That was something about Bucky that most girls didn't know. Sure he was known as a player and well-known businessman, but Y/N knew his sweet side. His real personality, not the reputation side of him.
He was kind-hearted. He was generous. He was confident. He was a doofus in all the right ways. He was helpful to a fault. Damn, did the man want to help everyone in any way he could? It was a weakness and a strength for him. It was a pull to him that Y/N couldn't resist. She loved him. She always had, but that love was changing into a much different kind lately.
When he asked her to dance, and he stumbled over his words, Y/N gleamed. Then when the thoughts that she had been trying to push away started to surface again, she freaked out. He didn't need to know that stuff. She didn't need to trouble him with it. Sure, she had in the past, and they usually always talked about those things, but she couldn't now. Not with him being one of the confusing things.
Plus, how was she supposed to trouble him with it, if she didn't even understand it for herself yet?
But looking into those beautiful, captivating, and welcoming crystal orbs of his, she almost fell apart. It wasn't until Bucky grabbed her face with his gentle hands, that she found she was tearing up about it. She quickly attempted to play it off, and before Bucky could question her more, Thor came out of nowhere. She thought he was supposed to be busy at the club tonight.
She looked back at Bucky as he turned to match her gaze and let out a sigh. She needed Thor to get her mind off things. She took off after him, not finishing the dance with Buck.
She tried her best to sell to her friends she was happy. I mean she was, but those stupid butterflies were still fluttering from Bucky. Thor did bring her joy though. Just a different joy than Buck.
When Steve told her she could head out, she double-checked then linked arms with him and did as told. She could have sworn she felt someone staring at her back as she left though. She turned back last minute and saw Bucky walking to help Steve clean. Maybe she was just imagining it.
Y/N noticed a little over two weeks of dating Thor, she was seeing and hearing less from Bucky. Their normal everyday texts lowered in the count. Their communication as roommates went radio silence, and from what she was getting from her friend group, he was out finding girls and working all the time. Getting drunk in the lulls in between.
Something was off, but she didn't know what, and for the first time ever, she wasn't sure how to find out.
Before she could step in for herself, Steve confronted her letting her know he would take care of it. Convincing her, he needed to be the one to talk to him.
She was supposed to be figuring her emotions and feelings out anyways, which were better confronted when she wasn't right next to him. That had shown to throw her for a loop every time. Hence why she began spending the nights at Thor's...
That is until she went to pick up Thor from the airport, but before even getting in the car to head there, he called her. He said his ex from a long and very intimate relationship was back in his life. Her business in Nevada was moving up and moving to NY, and the two would now see each other every day. He said something about how they broke up due to distance, and now that's not an issue, he wanted to try and talk things out with her. From how he spoke of her, they were soulmates. Y/N wasn't going to interfere with that.
Y/N understood too. Someone you dated for 3+ years compared to someone you've dated for a month. You have a history with them. One that's not easy to move on from. She understood wanting to figure things out with someone you've known and grown close to over the years. Damn if she didn't.
It still stung though. Hard for it not to. What stung worse was that her distraction was gone now. Now everything was hitting hard.
What did she want to do in life? What did her joy look like? Would Bucky even care if she had feelings for him? Could things work out possibly? If they didn't, what would she do?
She was overcome with anxiety. Thor dumping her. Not knowing her career path. Not knowing if she could even find a career that would bring her the happiness she so desperately craved for. Not knowing if the person out there for her was miles away... or just down the hall.
It became overwhelming and she found herself cocooned in the gap between her bed and the window. The view was a small escape from the unanswered questions ringing in her head.
She was completely out of it until she heard the muffled voice through her door asking if she was ok. No... She wasn't... but she also wasn't sure how to fix it.
Stuck in her thoughts, she only responded the two times she heard a question. So when Bucky was on her bed and laid a hand on her knee, she was surprised to see him. It felt like forever since they were this close.
His tie had been tugged loose and he was already out of his shoes. The sleeve of his button-up was pushed to his elbows and she noticed his hair had gotten longer. Long enough she could probably tuck it behind his ear some. He looked tired too, but not unhealthy tired. Just tired.
But more than anything, he looked worried. Really really worried.
And because of that, the little sniffle she let out and the wipe of his hoodie she stole from him on her redden nose was all it took for him to capture her in his arms and shield her from the world. What he was best at and had done since day one.
She needed that. She thought that was the absolute last thing she needed to figure things out, but turns out it was the only thing she needed. That was all it took. She crumbled. She fell apart in his arms without holding back. Sobbing, crying, and sniffling all the pain and self-hate that had built up over the past couple of months. Slowly and surely leaking out and Bucky was there to clean it up. He had always been there. So why did she doubt it now?
She sat there and the doubt disappeared instantly. She talked to him like she would have before these feelings became clear to her.
She spoke about her worries, her anxieties, and her self-doubt. All of it. It lifted it off her chest. And each time she let something go, Bucky gave her something else to replace it with. Hope.
Hope that it would all work out. Hope that it would all be ok.
Looking at him for a second, she said it. The last thing on her chest.
"I love you, B."
"I love you too, Y/N/N."
Little did the two know. They both meant it in a much different way than they were trying to come off.