Sure enough, a week went by. Bucky had finally reeled himself in some and found himself actually being able to concentrate on work for what it was, and not just as a distraction as he had been.
Who knew it only took one night of going out with the guys and not getting completely plastered to have a good time? Sure, Y/N was on his mind, but he thought he was finally starting to make some progress on moving on. Maybe... At least that's what it felt like in the moment.
That is until later.
Bucky was coming home from a late-night meeting. As stated before, work had been number one in his mind the past week whether he wanted it to or not. The company had finally decided to join parties with Stark Industries.
Sure the man could be an annoying and a stuck-up jackass most of the time, but the two companies actually shared quite a bit of the same goals and ideas. Tony had the technology and Bucky had the connections. It only made sense to join up and grow from there.
Because of this merger, Bucky's week had been chaotic and absolutely consumed with contracts, meetings, and talks with their staff over what worked best, and where they could best merge the two companies. He was exhausted, to say the least. Exhausted and not mentally aware of anything outside of Barnes Prosthetics Industry. It was the perfect distraction that he needed.
But as he walked by Y/N's room, he noticed dim lighting coming from under the doorway. She had said she wouldn't be home for a while because of meeting up with Thor after his trip away.
See, while Bucky was working nonstop, Y/N was also. Thor had left the week after Bucky and Steve's little talk. Having some convention in Nevada to go to. So that week, Y/N took up teaching extra classes and found herself taking the time to catch up on things from the weeks she had spent nonstop with Thor. Which caused her to get behind in work, teaching, and all the other things she did.
So Bucky hadn't really seen much of her, or any of her, because of their conflicting schedules. Even with Thor not being there to steal her away, most nights when he got home she was already asleep, or she was coming in late herself.
But her light being on was different. He was pretty sure tonight she was picking Thor up from the airport too, so she most likely would've gone to his house and not have been here tonight.
He quirked an eyebrow at the glow. It was barely there, so it must have been her small bedside lamp subtly lighting her space.
He put his briefcase down at the doorway and leaned an ear to the door. Maybe she had brought Thor over? Please God don't let that be the case. He could barely handle the thought of her being with him at his house, let alone hearing them through his own walls.
Sure Bucky felt like he was finally moving on from having the past two weeks of distractions, but jealousy easily slipped into his veins when he thought about Y/N.
Instead of hearing voices though, he heard sniffling. He straightened at the sound, not being able to understand what was happening. Was she crying? Sick?
Y/N didn't cry much. Even for an emotional person, it was still really hard to make that girl cry. Bucky had only seen her do it maybe 3x in all of his life of knowing her. And sick? She was always healthy. Physically she took care of herself so well with having the background of a fitness and wellness coach. He hadn't remembered the last time she even had a small cold.
Enough of the guessing, Bucky didn't hesitate to knock.
"Y/N/N? You there?"
There was a soft shuffling as if she was moving blankets. Then a few more sniffles.
"Uh, yeah. I'm here," she replied. Her voice sounded off and congested. Maybe she was sick...
"You ok? I thought I heard sniffling," Bucky continued, leaning on the door and looking down at the soft orange hue hitting his feet from the slight crack where the door and floor didn't meet.
Again another sniffle. "Um, I'm ok. Sorry to bother you."
"How come I don't believe you?" he said, clearly knowing she wasn't ok. There was silence on the other end. No answer. "Y/N, what's going on?"
"Nothing," A meek answer came after a few seconds. Then more sounds of shuffling blankets and sniffling.
"It's really hard to lie to your best friend, you know? Even if I can't see your face," He waited for any sound to come, but nothing did. "Can I come in?" Nothing. "Ok fine. You leave me no choice."
He placed his hand on the doorknob and slowly turned it, giving her time to stop him if she wanted to. As he slowly opened it, he noticed the lamp he had pictured earlier was the only light source in the room. Dimly lit, but just enough to illuminate the lump of blankets in a huddle on the bed. She was on the side closest to the window where the ledge and her bed met.
She was looking out into the view of the city their flat offered and had on the largest hoodie she owned, or should we say the largest hoodie Bucky owned. The hood was thrown over her head creating a veil where Bucky couldn't see her face. She had what looked like 5 different blankets wrapped around her, near her, and by her. She was cocooned into the nook of the bed and looking out not even paying mind to Bucky coming in.
"Hey, Sassy," he said quietly, loosening his tie and rolling up the sleeves of his dress shirt as he walked to her in very slow steps. Still nothing. "What's going on with you?"
It wasn't until he had gotten about 5 feet away that he saw one side of her face. The moonlight from the window was creating more of a shine than the lights in the room and exposed the tear-stained reddened cheeks of his best friend.
"Hey," he said, now worried and moving quickly to sit on the bed. Close to her, but still far enough that she had some space. He placed a hand on her knee seeing that she still didn't move, but that touch was what snapped her out of her daze.
She turned slowly, showing the reddened face he saw in the moonlight, blotchy and weary from crying. Bucky only knew this was a bad cry because he had seen this only once before, and it was forever engraved in his memory.
Seeing her like that the first time was something he never wanted to experience again. He could feel the pain and hurt radiate off her, and he never wanted her to feel anything like that.
"God. Y/N, what-" he said, moving in more. Forget about space.
"He has someone else," was all she said before breaking down again.
Bucky immediately moved in to scoop her from her spot. He pulled her in, staying in the corner she had been in. He knew from past panic attacks and anxiety problems that being in a tighter area/ held helped sometimes. He knew it helped Y/N from when she showed signs of anxiety when they first met. It was something they bonded and grew with each other in. Y/N came from a stressed and traumatic home life and Bucky came back from overseas.
"Hey, hey, hey. Breath. Focus on your breathing," he coached quietly, rocking her in their spot as she folded into him. Now practically in his lap as he ran his fingers through her hair.
She wasn't in the hyperventilating stages of crying, but the sniffle and light sob stage. He probably missed that stage considering how red her eyes were, but she was clinging to him like a life raft.
It took about 10 minutes before she slowed down. She hadn't eased her grip on Bucky, and Bucky hadn't eased his. The two clung to each other like magnets.
He gave her time to slow down and come back down from her high before asking.
"Can you tell me what happened?" he whispered quietly in her ear from where he had laid his head on top of hers.
She took a deep breath and readjusted, but still stayed nuzzled under his chin. "Uh, he- he went to Nevada for that conference. And he-he," she was still trying to find words herself. She wasn't sure what had happened.
"It's ok. Take your time," he said, nodding and placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head before stroking her arm up and down. He could feel small bits of tension ease in her body as he went up and down with his fingertips over her sweatshirt sleeve.
"His ex was there."
"His ex?"
"Yeah. Her name's Jane."
"Ok, then what?"
"Um, h-he didn't tell me about her before. He just came back saying that he needed to figure things out and that he thinks that he still has feelings for her. Th-That's all I can think about," she stuttered before pulling herself more into his chest.
"Oh, sweetheart," he sighed, closing his eyes knowing she was in pain. "God, I'll kill him," he mumbled in her hair.
"Don't B. I-I just need... I just need to hold you," she breathed out, wrapping her arms around his torso and squeezing him.
"He doesn't get to do this to you and get away with it," Bucky growled, tensing the more he thought about it.
She sniffled again but pulled away rubbing her eyes with the sleeves that had fallen past her hands. Bucky wanted to pull her in, but she moved back for a reason.
"Please, Buck. Don't go crazy on me."
"But-"
"It's stupid of me to be angry about. We had only been dating for a month. That's barely anything," she said trying to laugh it off, but the pain behind it was so clear.
"It's not stupid Y/N. Any emotions you feel right now are valid and 100% your emotions still. That's anything but stupid," Bucky defended, pulling her back in whether she wanted or not. But she didn't fight. She moved to mold back into him.
"You sound like me," she chuckled again.
"I learn from the best," he said back, squeezing her to him.
"But honestly though, I have no reason to be blubbering over this. I really don't know why I am," she sighed.
"Because you're hurt."
"It's been a month Buck. Just a month and I'm acting like he's divorcing me after 10 years of marriage," she groaned upset with herself. "I don't cry B. You know this. This is weird."
"You're hurt. When you're hurt and in pain, tears tend to be a part of the equation sometimes."
There was silence.
"I don't think it's just him," she finally mumbled after a few moments.
"What else is it, doll?" Bucky hummed. Again another pregnant pause. He could feel the self-doubt coming off of her. Whatever else it was, she wasn't sure about and wasn't secure in. "Talk to me Y/N/N. Tell me how I can fix it."
She took a deep breath pulling back enough to see his eyes. He hated how red-rimmed they were. He couldn't help the action to move up and brush his thumb over her cheeks. Hoping to soak up her hurt through the pads of his fingers.
"You remember the night of the dance?"
"The Senior's dance?" She nodded in confirmation. "Yeah. I remember."
"How I said there were some things that I needed to figure out before trying to talk about them?"
"Hhm mm. I've been wondering about that."
"I think I figured it out," she sighed, leaning into his palm and closing her eyes. He didn't say anything though. This was her moment and he was there to listen. To be her shoulder to cry on. "I don't feel like I have a purpose."
"Y/N-"
"Don't try and fix it by being all sweet and saying all these sweet things, because it won't help," she stopped him. He froze looking into her eyes. She knew him too well. "I'm going through one of my phases," she answered his silent question.
"Which one?"
"Anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues, all the above. I don't know..." she let out a harsh laugh, rolling her eyes at herself.
"Y/N, I told you to always come to me when you start feeling like this-"
"I know, but..." she hesitated.
"But, what?"
"But I think I was distracting myself from these feelings." Bucky knew how that went. "Thor was great. Don't get me wrong. He was sweet and kind, and ever the gentleman, but I think this had started bubbling up even before I met him."
"How bad are we talking?" Bucky asked.
"Not as bad as college when my parents..." she couldn't finish the sentence.
"It's ok. I know," he said, running his hand through her hair knowing the background of that situation.
"It feels like when I was traveling," she answered.
Y/N had a few depressive stages in her time. Most of which Bucky had helped her through, and been there for. One was when her family practically disowned her and cut her off for not following the family practice in the medical field. Something she and Bucky understood and related to when it came to the family business and its running in the family.
When both your parents are world-known doctors, and your older sister follows in their footsteps, and even your younger brother does while you decide to backpack the world as a struggling artist; family drama and shunning easily come up.
But there was a time when Y/N was going through her travels that she had called Bucky during a massive panic attack. It took 4 hours on the phone to finally calm her down, and then another 2 to get her to talk about her problems.
"You feel like you aren't meeting your world purpose?" Bucky said, using the same words she had used in that phone call all those years ago.
"Yeah..." she whispered in shame.
"Why do you think that?"
"Cause, when's the last time I actually sat down and did something my heart desired?" she said in a huff. The frustration now peaking through.
"When's the last time you didn't?" he threw back getting a bitch face from her. "I'm serious. You love your jobs, don't you?"
"The only reason I do physical training is that I'm smart enough to get a job that actually pays. I don't mind it, but it's not my heart's desire. It's a side hobby that pays the bills."
"What about teaching?"
"I love it, but teaching how to do art isn't the reason I started to do it. I love being with those people at the senior home, I do, but it's not all of what I want to do," she sighed, falling into his chest.
"Then what else? What else will help you fill that void that's taking you down?" Bucky asked softly as he held her head to his chest. She could stay this close for as long as she wanted. She took a minute to think and let out another huff. Bucky knew that huff though. It was a, "I don't want to say it, but I want to say it" huff. "Say it Y/N/N."
"It'll sound selfish."
"Your opinions don't make you selfish, they make you you," Bucky said with a soft rumble of laughter in his chest. The woman could be so stubborn sometimes.
"Stop stealing my lines," she mumbled.
"I wouldn't have to if you stopped acting like my hard-headed self. Now spill, Sassy," he nudged her with a smile, happy to see some of her sparks still in her.
"I don't want to paint for others, I want to paint for myself!" she blurted. She froze as if she didn't even know she was going to say that.
"What's keeping you from painting for yourself?"
"I don't know. Time? Inspiration? Security?" she questioned as Bucky hummed for her to continue. "I-I guess-," she groaned, turning to the moonlight and looking out at the view. The city's landscape was her view and she herself was Bucky's view. "I just want to sit in a window for a day and let any thoughts, images, dreams, wonders, portraits, anything that comes to mind, and be able to sit and draw, paint and create it without being stopped. That's what I wanted when I decided how much I loved art and how much it made me feel like me. I haven't felt that way in a while... I've felt like I've shut that girl in a closet so that I could get by in this world. Survive in this world. Cause that kind of girl, that kind of lifestyle in this universe? It isn't real. That's make-believe. That's unrealistic. You can't make a living off of daydreams," she said quieter and more defeated as she continued.
"Who says?" Bucky asked after a second.
"Society," she answered.
"Screw society. Out of all people in the world, you are the one person I've met that says, and has always said, screw society. So... Screw. It," he shrugged his shoulders and grabbed her hand.
"It's not that easy B," she sighed, looking at him for a second before turning back to the city skyline.
"I don't think the Y/N from 4 years back would agree."
"She was young and could do that."
"You are young and can do that."
She shook her head looking down at her hands and then turned to Bucky. A small smile outlined her lips.
"You're just going to spit everything right back at me, aren't you?"
"Absolutely," he smiled at her. "Y/N, the only thing stopping you right now is your own thoughts. Sure this world sucks and makes people feel like they have to work a 9-5 job to get by, but that's not true. People envy the others who push that idea aside and actually go out and achieve their dreams and goals. You are, and have always been, one of those people," he beamed talking about her and she sat up more. "And I've always been the 9-5 person who looks at people like you and wonders, 'how do they do it? How do they get by living with the simple things and make them look so exquisite?'"
"Sleeping on stranger's cots in a foreign country isn't as exquisite as you think it is," she chuckled softly.
"Maybe not, but you still made it sound like you were living in a piece of heaven," he laughed with her, poking her side and making more laughter come out. The two sat there with grins on their face until Buck spoke up again. "You can do what your heart desires Y/N/N. You've always been able to. You just have to get out of this funk."
She looked bashfully down at her hands as she nervously fiddled with them. Then she looked up at those bright blue eyes. Always shining some light in her darkness.
"You always know the right things to say," she smiled wider now.
"I have to. I can't handle seeing you upset, so I gotta know how to make things better. For you," Bucky shrugged, looking down at his hands now.
"I love you, B." She moved to pull him into her for a tight embrace. The two fell back in her bed, neither easing their grip on the other.
"I love you too, Y/N/N."