The ocean doesn't try to grow branches. The moon doesn't fight to burn hot. You don't see the stars trying to bloom, so for fuck's sake, don't you go changing for anyone.
- Erwin van Vuren
The aftermath of Dumbledore's death was just as terrible as the evening itself. We held a funeral a couple days after his death. All students attended, as did half the wizarding world. I sat in the far back, trying to avoid the stares.
There were many rumours about Dumbledore's death, as the teachers were very tight-lipped as to who had murdered the headmaster. There were whispers that Bellatrix had done it, there were whispers that Snape had done it, and there were whispers that Draco had been the murderer, which was the reason for the stares.
None of the students knew for sure who had killed the headmaster, but Draco Malfoy was suddenly not in school anymore, which made people very suspicious. They all stared at me as I walked by, wondering if I knew if it was true or not, wondering if I had known about it.
I spent most of the time in my dorm, staring out of the window. There was nothing else to do, nothing I could focus on. I felt so incredibly empty.
And then parents turned up to pick up their children from school. I knew that I had to wait to take the Hogwarts Express, as my mother sure as hell wouldn't come to pick me up. Daphne and Tracey did get picked up and they offered to take me with them, but it wasn't allowed.
So I just waited another day on my own to take the train like all the muggle-born children who didn't have parents to apparate to the school.
The school was deadly quiet during those days. No one said anything during breakfast, supper or lunch and the hallways were mostly empty. All remaining exams had been cancelled, so all we could do was wait, and I did.
It was already a few days into July when I took the Hogwarts Express back home. I didn't know what to expect. Would my mother come to pick me up at the platform? Would my father be out of Azkaban already? And most of all: Was Draco okay?
Even more questions surfaced when Narcissa Malfoy was waiting for me on Platform nine and three-quarters. I frowned as I stepped off the train. She couldn't be here for Draco, so why was she here for me?
The blood drained from my face as I saw the sad look on her face. Did something happen to Draco? She wore only black, but she always did.
"Is Draco okay?" I asked immediately as I reached her. Narcissa smiled slightly and nodded, taking a million pounds off of my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe again.
"Thank Merlin", I sighed. I quickly hugged her.
"He didn't do it, Eleanor", she whispered in my ear softly before breaking the hug. I frowned and stared at her.
"He didn't?" I asked. She shook her head and smiled slightly.
"Severus did. But Draco is fine anyway. The Dark Lord is just pleased that it's done and that he managed to finish the cabinet", she said. I took a couple of deep breaths.
Draco was not a murderer.
That thought made me calm down so much and Narcissa being here was a life-saver. I knew that it would be almost impossible to hide my concern for Draco if she hadn't updated me in advance. Now I could go to Malfoy Manor and play the pretend-game again.
Everything had gone according to plan.
"You'll be staying at the Manor for a while, Eleanor", Narcissa said suddenly, a sad look on her face again.
"What? Why? Does the Dark Lord need me for anything?" I frowned.
"No, not that I know of", she said, looking down. I couldn't remember Narcissa ever looking down in a conversation. Her chin was always held up high. "I'll tell you everything at the Manor, but let's get out of here first."
I nodded and grabbed my trunk as she linked my arm through hers. She swished her wand and I closed my eyes as she apparated us to Malfoy Manor.
Narcissa called for an elf to put my trunk in one of the guest bedrooms. I didn't quite know what to say, so I simply followed her inside without saying a word.
I was shocked to see Lucius in the corner of the room. He was broken out of Azkaban which meant that my dad would be too. Maybe that was the reason that Narcissa came to pick me up. My father just got out of Azkaban. Of course my mother didn't want to leave him alone at Selwyn Keep.
"The Dark Lord wants to see her in the garden", professor Snape said, walking into the hallway.
"Let me talk to her first, Severus", Narcissa sighed, but Snape simply shook his head. What in Merlin's world was going on? Did something happen to my father? Did something happen whilst he was in Azkaban? I suddenly felt very anxious as my habit of doomsday thinking got the upper hand again.
"Go ahead, Eleanor", Narcissa said eventually. I nodded and put my coat away, walking through the family room. I saw him in the corner of my eyes, Draco. I glanced at him quickly, without showing signs of emotions. He seemed okay, like he hadn't been hurt, but he also wore a sad look. I pushed open the door to the garden and walked out.
He stood at the peacock fountain again, his back towards me, dressed in the usual black robes. I wondered what he and his followers had been up to these past months.
"You wanted to see me, my Lord?" I asked as I stopped a few yards away from him.
"Ah, Eleanor Selwyn", he said, turning around slowly. I would never get used to this man's appearance. "Walk with me."
He walked around the fountain, so I followed him. I walked alongside him, but kept enough distance in between as I had a very odd feeling about this. I never knew what to expect from him.
"I called you a clever girl a few times", he said. "And I still think you're clever in some way, but you've also been very, very stupid."
I swallowed. Was I in trouble? Had Snape told him about Draco and I? Did it still have something to do with my father?
"I'm sorry, my Lord, did I do anything to upset you?" I asked slowly. He scoffed and the look in his eyes changed. It was less calm, like a storm had awakened.
"Other than the fact that you lied to me?" he said and I felt my throat become a little tighter. He knew. I didn't quite know what to say, so I didn't say anything. Luckily, he continued.
"Maybe it was foolish of me to place my trust in a sixteen-year-old girl, but I had high expectations for you, young Selwyn. I thought you'd be valuable to our cause. I was very disappointed to realise that you're not."
"I never meant to disrespect you, my Lord, it was a moment of panic", I said, looking down. I had to come up with some convincing lies and I had to come up with them fast. I was not going to get away with this.
Suddenly I realised that maybe I would die in the next few minutes. Maybe he would kill me, right here. I was a traitor. Why wouldn't he? Or maybe, maybe he would kill Draco. He couldn't kill Draco. I panicked slightly. I had to talk myself out of this.
"A moment of panic, you say? I seem to have gathered that you had plenty of opportunities to inform me, but you chose not to."
"I'm sorry my Lord, I didn't want to let you down. I was so honoured when you asked to speak with me privately. I didn't want to disappoint you in any way and when you gave me that task, I felt important. I wanted to be a valuable asset. I wanted to make my father proud."
What I was saying wasn't complete rubbish. I had seen this task as a way to get my father out of Azkaban. And it had worked. Lucius was back and my father would be at home. I just hoped to live long enough to see him again. I had done this task to help Draco, that was the main reason, but part of me simply wanted to fit in. To make my father proud and to prove to myself that I was not a disappointment to my last name.
"You're a good liar, Selwyn, which makes it hard for me to judge your honesty", he said. "Luckily we live in a world of magic, don't we?"
In the blink of an eye he had gotten out his wand and pointed it at me. I gasped as I took a step back, not knowing what to do.
"Legilimens", he said and then the garden in front of me disappeared and I saw images of Draco. Legilimens, I had heard about that spell, a spell to penetrate someone's mind. I knew that spell because Draco had been training his Occlumency last summer and he told me about it. The Legilimens spell had no effect on him, but it did on me. I was not like him.
I saw Draco at the lake, opening his gifts last year. I saw the ring and then I saw the book. The images morphed into ones in the Slytherin common room where we talked about the summer. And then Malfoy Manor came into view and I started to panic. The Dark Lord couldn't see those memories. If he did, he knew that Draco knew about my task and that was one more reason to punish him as well. He'd know that I was lying again and we'd both be dead in the blink of an eye.
But I couldn't push him out of my thoughts, I didn't master occlumency. I had never been under the influence of the spell before. I had to think about other memories, strong ones, but safe ones.
So I thought of a day that seemed a lifetime ago, but it had only been one and a half years. I sat on my knees in the hallway after curfew, talking to the Little Hufflepuff girl, Rose. I showed her my Patronus and I got her to smile. And then Draco asked for the names of the boys who had bullied her and guided her back to her common room. That was the first time I had liked him, ever. The first time I had looked at him with a smile on my face.
Things seemed so complicated back then, but they really weren't. I thought back to the fight we had about my grandfather. Where is your grandpappy now? He had said. Draco really wasn't a nice guy back then. He had changed a lot over the past year. He had matured early. He had to, he didn't have a choice. His life was on the line, always.
I remembered seeing him make out with Daphne and I remembered screaming at him afterwards. I couldn't clearly hear what I said in the memory, as it had all been a bit hazy, a bit emotional.
And then I was back in the garden of Malfoy Manor. I had fallen onto the ground without noticing I had, so I quickly stood up. I was dizzy, as if someone had shaken my head roughly.
"Your weakness to emotions disgusts me", the Dark Lord said, which brought me back to the current reality. He hadn't seen any of my talks with Draco about how I doubted his beliefs and how we were fooling him, but I was not off the hook yet, not at all.
"I'm sorry to disappoint you, my Lord. Those were never my intentions. I know that I'm not worthy of your respect. I'm a fool, I know that." I bowed my head, partly to seem inferior and partly because I couldn't stand to look at his face for very long.
"That's exactly the problem, young Selwyn. You're both a fool and not at all. You have potential, but you don't make wise choices and those choices affect me. You lied to me and therefore I can never trust you again."
I nodded. I was grateful in some way, as this probably meant that he wasn't going to give me any more tasks in the near future, but it was also quite uncertain what he would do with me.
"I accept any punishment, my Lord. I know that I have failed you, even if it means that you have to take my life. I understand", I said. Anxiety was coursing through my veins like hot metal, setting every inch of my body on fire. What had I gotten myself into?
"You have", he sighed. "But taking your life would not be a punishment. I'd simply put you out of your misery. However, it doesn't matter anymore. I have already punished you."
"I don't understand, my Lord", I said with a frown. He smiled slightly, which creeped me out. He was one of the few people whose smile didn't mean good news.
"Haven't you noticed yet how Lucius is back at the Manor, and your father isn't? You will pay the price of guilt. Guilt that you are the reason that I left your father behind in Azkaban."