"you're so beautiful, did you know that?" i admire my mini me. "yes." madeline's careful to not overwater her plant. "good." i continue to organize the garden. i take my gloves off and just watch her.
she looked so much like me i thought i was looking at one of my baby pictures. children are so precious. i remember not wanting kids and if i ever did, i just wanted one.
i couldn't see me with another kid. no way. she was all mine and only mine.
"come here for a sec." i tell her. she puts down her baby plant and walks up to me. i open my arms and she quickly wraps herself into me. i kiss her forehead.
"i have a few questions, okay?" i look down at her. "okay."
i wanted to ask her about the accident but i didn't want to bring back any bad memories. i just wondered what happened after the impact.
"do you like mason?" i ask. she's quick to say yes. "why?"
"he's nice to me."
i smile. of course that was her answer. i forget she's only three. "do you like dad?"
"i love daddy."
hm.
and of course she loved him.
i nod slowly trying to figure out my next question.
i wanted to know how she would feel about me not being with either of them but that was too far complex of a question to ask a three year old.
"do you love me?" i ask for reassurance.
my brain liked to make me feel like a bad mother when i knew i wasn't. but i needed to hear that from her.
"yes!" she kisses my cheek and hugs me.
my heart explodes.
"do you like it here? at grandpa's?" i ask her my final question. another yes.
i figured. i guess it would be lonely if we moved out and it was just me and my baby. this is her childhood, olympia is her childhood. bellevue was mine. i didn't want to take her away from her family and friends.
"come on, let's go clean up." i grab my crutches and struggle to stand up. once i'm up we go back inside. thankfully my dad was out with my mom so i didn't have to hear his lecturing about me walking.
maddy holds my hand as we walk upstairs. she was messing up my balance but her gesture was sweet. my cast to leg ratio was way off so going upstairs was extremely difficult.
we make it to the top anyways with me totally out of breath. maddy encourages me and patiently waits for me to walk to the bathroom. "ready for a bath?"
☀︎☀︎☀︎
"alright, a movie and then bedtime?" i ask putting lotion on her arms. "can you pick a movie this time?" she looks at herself in the mirror. "what? me? pick a movie?" i say being dramatic to make her laugh. i succeed.
"okay go into the room i'll be one sec." i say putting the towel on the hook. she runs off and i look in the mirror. i mess with my new friend on my forehead. i look cooler with it.
i lift my shirt with my good hand to look at my ribs. still bruised and ugly. i put the lotion up and get ready to walk out the bathroom.
instead of leaving the bathroom like a normal person, i had to slip and fall in the worst way. i hit my side on the floor and my entire body started to hurt... especially my ribs.
the fall knocked the air out of me so i just laid there staring trying to catch my breath. i wanted to scream but i didn't want to scare her so i bit my lip and tried to groan the pain away. "mommy did you fall?" her face appears above me.
i wasn't even sure if i could move. "i'm okay!"
i was not okay!
"you're crying." she points out. "mhm, i'm okay though. can you bring me my purse in my room?" i try to sit up- i don't get very far at all. i think i made my ribs worse because i was in the absolute worst pain in that area.
i guess that's what i get.
maddy leaves and i cover my mouth to scream. i couldn't handle the pain right now, it was too much. i beg my parents in my head to hurry up and come home and save me.
she comes back and i suck it up. "thank you!" i take my phone from her and turn my head to call my dad. "are you really okay?" she puts her hand on my head. no!
"yes, i'm calling grandpa to help me stand up." i wait for him to answer. i kiss her arm. thankfully my leg and arm were protected by these rock hard casts.
unfortunately my stomach wasn't.
my dad answers and i accidentally cry in front of maddy. i tell him to hurry and get home and he panics and hangs up.
maddy starts to cry and i start panicking. "why are you crying?" i laugh and open my arm so she can do that cute thing she does. "because you're sad." she does the thing i wanted her to do. she burries her head into my neck as i wrap my arm around her. "i'm not sad. mommy's stomach just hurts okay? i'll be okay, grandpa is coming."
we lay like this for a few minutes until i hear heavy footsteps and then both of my parents come into the doorway. "hi mom." i wave at her with my cast arm.
i haven't seen her in forever. i missed her.
"what the hell happened?" she tries to walk in without stepping on me. "maddy had a bath and i fell."
"mom can you actually take her to her room for me please?" i ask. "sure." she holds her arm out for maddy to take. she gets up and goes with my mom.
i tell my dad to close the bathroom door and when he did i finally let my pain show. "dad please sedate me. give me anything you have. i'm in the worst pain of my fucking life." i beg him with tears running down my face.
"jesus christ brianna. i told you to stop walking!" my dad freaks looking for ways to help me up. "dad my ribs hurt so bad." i lift my shirt to see if anything visibly changed.
"okay hold on, i need to sit you up and this may hurt but i have to do it." he kneels in front of me and holds me from under my arms. he counts to three and stands up with me. i scream from the pain and hold onto my dad for dear life.
"dad i don't think i can move anymore," i cry out. once again, i let my stubbornness get me in trouble. "how am i supposed to go downstairs?"
"here." my dad picks me up bridal style then goes downstairs. "i bet you'll listen to me now huh?"
☀︎☀︎☀︎
"why don't you show emotion in front of madeline? i think it's weird that you try so hard to be this perfect parent." my dad sits next to me by the hospital bed.
"dad i have no idea what you're talking about." my words come out sluggish and i pat him on the shoulder. he frowns immediately. "i think you gave her too much." he says as the doctor walks in.
"i didn't give her that much, just enough to take the pain away."
i stared at the ceiling trying to feel my feelings. i haven't been high since high school.
it was obvious something was up. the pain was gone as if it was never there in the first place. i was relaxed and confused... but mostly relaxed.
"i like this doctor he knows what's up." i wink at him.
"yeah... enough to take the pain away and then some." my dad burries his face in his hands.