Sakusa looked towards the horizon. The clear night sky and the gentle sea breeze coming from the coast eased his anxiety a bit but it was not enough to completely eliminate the regret he felt. His fingers stroked over and over the silver medal on the leather collar that had belonged to someone he now longed for.
He was leaning on the railing of the living room balcony, watching the stars reflect off the sea just beyond. Around him there were no lights, no dwellings or any other way of life. He lived totally alone. Everything was surrounded by vast uninhabited land, land that belonged to Sakusa. Not everyone could have bought a piece of land so large and so far from the bustle of Tokyo to leave it uninhabited without taking advantage of it by constructing buildings. But Sakusa wasn't just anyone. He was one of the most desired porn actors in Japan and the one who earned the most from each video due to the nature of the content; as it was not vanilla porn, the price of acquiring permission to view them was higher than the cost of acquiring access to any other type of video. So he had more than enough money to buy that land and not put it to commercial use.
Sakusa had sought and acquired that land after becoming famous to build a home away from the world, where no one could find him and to be able to keep his secrets. Only his manager Ushijima and two other men who worked for him knew the location of the house.
Sakusa was suspicious of his private life, that was nothing new. He hated to think that he was a public figure and that he had fans. He did porn because he liked to do it, because he liked having a sub at his mercy and he had found a way to make money off that fantasy. But no one had told him about the paparazzi, the obsessive fans, the unwanted publicity of him in all the media, his face on billboards signs in the city, the people who followed him if they recognized him on the street and that kind of unpleasant and hostile situations that made Sakusa hate leaving his house. Whenever he went out he wore a mask that covered most of his face and sunglasses, even if it was at night.
He had an unhealthy obsession with keeping his secrets that way: secret. He hated that people knew what he was doing in his private life.
And it had cost him Atsumu.
The pained, tearful face of the young man the last time he had seen him came to his mind every time he let his guard down. Atsumu's cracking voice and his failed attempt to hold back the sobs before getting in the car, when he thought Sakusa no longer heard him, echoed in Sakusa's ears like the macabre melody of a goodbye that had left them both undone. His heart clenched and ached, and it was very difficult for him to continue living his life as if he did not feel miserable, alone and isolated from the world. Loneliness had never hit him so hard as up to that moment. It is not that he talked to Atsumu everyday, but just knowing that there was someone out there with who he shared something so sacred like a connection, a kind of relationship, made him feel accompanied; he may was alone but he didn't feel alone.
You like him, he told himself. You like him a lot. And you care for him more than you're willing to admit.
He covered hjs face with his hands, letting the leather of the collar brush against his cheek. He had to put up with the urge to call Atsumu, to apologize and explain and tell him how much he wanted to see him again. His logic battled against his heart, but it seemed that the latter was closing in on victory.
But then he remembered the cameras, the photographic lenses staring at him and judging him like metallic eyes staring at him endlessly. He remembered the magazines spreading unfounded rumors thanks to a couple of stupid photos taken in moments of vulnerability. He remembered the null privacy he was exposed to every time he went out into the real world. His own colleagues were living that, there were always photos of Terushima, Oikawa and Kuroo in the magazines, and Sakusa had tried very hard not to have the same thing happening to him. It was obnoxious, and he wasn't about to let people know anything more about him than what was shown in the videos, under a black mask and latex gloves.
He had reasons to distrust people, he did not want to see photos of him published in an intimate moment. The media would not be the whip that held him down to a crowd that cruelly cheered and laughed at him.
In the end, logic always win against heart.
"I'm not going to expose Atsumu to that," he muttered. "I don't want my private life to come to light, I don't want him or me to be a media puppet. Even if it hurts... It's better this way."
***
"You haven't complained for almost three weeks, not even when Shirabu sends you more work at the bar. Are you gonna tell me what happened the day I picked you up?" Osamu asked looking at his brother in front of him. "After that you seemed fine, but I know you're not. You're acting weird, 'Tsumu. I'm your brother, tell me!"
"Uh-uh," was all the reply Atsumu gave before eating a gyoza in one bite.
"I don't know why I told you to come eat with me and Semi if there's no way to get you out of your fucking head, what are you thinking?" Osamu urged him again.
Atsumu didn't reply, just shot him a withering look, and Osamu let out a frustrated growl.
"Leave him alone, if he wants to talk at some point, he will. Don't push him," Semi interjected, putting the chopsticks on his bowl and putting a hand on the shoulder of Atsumu, who was sitting next to him.
"You're too soft on him, Semi," Osamu said crossing his arms.
"And you too harsh," Semi replied. "And don't cross your arms at the table, it's rude," he added before kicking him under the table.
"Hey! That hurt!" Osamu exclaimed, uncrossing his arms and rubbing his shin with a wince.
Atsumu didn't even look amused. His head was still lost, thinking about what Sakusa had told him. He still couldn't believe he hadn't given him an explanation. He was sad and he felt used, thougt... It was partly his fault for agreeing to be Sakusas's submissive. But who would have thought that Atsumu himself, the flirtatious, cocky and conceited boy, was going to end up falling in love with Sakusa Kiyoomi, a famous porn actor who had become his master?
It all seemed crazy, and Atsumu was no longer sure if it had really happened or if it had been a delusion. It was absurd, had all that really happened?
"Fuck..." Atsumu muttered for the first time in weeks.
Osamu and Semi stared at him with wide eyes, stunned to have heard him speak after so long.
"I'm fine now. It's been almost a month. I never knew why he wanted me to keep the secret, although I did anyway..." Atsumu whispered not daring to look up from his plate. "But now... What difference does it make, it doesn't matter anymore."
"What are you talking about?" Semi asked with a frown.
"Do you want to know what happened?" Atsumu muttered. His voice had a sad tone, like a siren's wail. "Very good. This is what happened. I've fallen in love with Sakusa Kiyoomi. And I'm trying to... Keep up with my life now that it's all over."
The confession didn't seem to catch Semi or Osamu off guard, but it did make them uncomfortable. Semi shifted in his seat and took his hand off Atsumu's shoulder; Osamu sighed and ran his hands over his face, rubbing his eyes hard.
"Didn't you want to know? Well, you already know it," Atsumu said, getting up from the table and pulling his cell phone out of his pocket.
"That's no news," said Osamu looking at his brother with a tired expression.
"No, no, it's not what you think. I haven't fallen in love with just any famous person," Atsumu said running his finger across the phone screen, apparently looking for something.
"Yes, Atsumu, you've fallen for your favorite porn actor, that doesn't change that he's an unreachable celebrity," Semi said, shaking his head. "You can't come running crying for that. He's famous. You're not. There's no use crying over someone who doesn't know you."
"No. I haven't fallen in love with an unattainable porn actor. I've fallen in love with my master," Atsumu muttered, putting the unlocked phone on the table for Osamu and Semi to see.
Osamu and Semi, who until then had been looking at him with a frown and a strange expression on their faces, looked down at the phone screen. For a long time, neither of them said anything, as they read the messages over and over. Their eyes widened, every now and then they made sounds of surprise or shot the other glances of disbelief.
After reading all the messages, Semi was the first to speak.
"You're kidding," he said shocked.
"Just... Just keep the secret. I don't know why I'm telling you now, I just... I need to let it out or I'm gonna go mad..."
"Is this a joke?" Osamu asked, brow furrowed.
"No. The bruises you saw on my legs," Atsumu said looking at Osamu, "the leather collar you said looked like a dog's... The day I ran to the bathroom at the bar was because I was wearing a chastity ring that hurt me... The times I disappeared during the night without saying anything... I was Sakusa's submissive. He asked me himself the day Ushijima came to the bar. And if you don't believe me, there you have the messages that prove what I'm telling is the truth."
"Are you crazy?" Osamu asked getting up from the table and grabbing him by the shoulders to shake him. His face showed fear and concern, his eyes wide and his eyebrows forming a fine line across his forehead. "Did you let me hit you? Are you okay? Does something hurt? Do you have marks?"
"Is that really the only thing that worries you, Samu?" Atsumu said with a frown. "Nothing hurts, he did that because I allowed him to, he has never done anything to me that I didn't consent to."
"And why were you crying the day I picked you up if not for that?" Osamu said.
"It wasn't for that!" Atsumu exclaimed.
Osamu seemed genuinely concerned that he had been harmed, and Atsumu couldn't help but feel grateful for having such a caring brother. He didn't know why he was telling this to him now, to his brother and Semi, but saying it out loud made it definitive. It was all over. And all the emotions he had been hidding came out in one second, when reality hit him hard. Sakusa had been real, but now he wasn't there anymore, and Atsumu had been left with his feelings all to himself.
"I don't know what's gotten into me...," Atsumu muttered biting his lip and lowering his head. "He told me we shouldn't see each other anymore. He didn't give me any more explanations, I don't know what I did wrong." His eyes filled with tears that fell as the first sob left his throat. "I-I couldn't even tell him I-I like him... I-I don't know what I did I-wrong S-Samu..." he sobbed.
Atsumu covered his face with his hands, wiping the tears with his fingers and the heel of his hands. He was broken, he had been holding out for so long, and now it all came out of him like a splashing wave that left his ripped-apart-inner-self.
"Son of a bitch," Osamu muttered hugging his brother. "How could he do that?"
"This is all a disaster, I feel like a bad joke," he whimpered.
"Damn it," Semi muttered getting up from his chair and hugging Atsumu as well.
Atsumu cried all the accumulated tears that he had been holding back since Sakusa had informed him that they should stop seeing each other. He still didn't know why he had asked him that out of nowhere, and that was what he was suffering from the most. He knew he must have done something wrong but he didn't know what it was. He had tried to remember the last scene, but as he entered subspace his mind was clouded and the memories were blurred. Also his eyes had been covered. Maybe he had done something that had displeased Sakusa to the point of wanting to cut him out of his life so suddenly, but Atsumu would never know.
Despite that, there were times when another worse thought took control of his reasoning and logic. What if he had done nothing wrong and what had happened was that Sakusa had really grown tired of him? Perhaps Atsumu believed that everything was going well but in reality it was not. There was something that hadn't connected between them, and Atsumu didn't know what it was about. Was Atsumu really someone to use and throw away? Had Sakusa really used him that way? They had spent months together, they had done things that people could not even imagine, had everything really broken so easily?
"I wish I never met him," Atsumu muttered between sobs. "I wish I hadn't let myself be used by someone who doesn't care about me in the least. I wish I hadn't fallen in love with a person who doesn't love me back, who doesn 't even know I do love him... That way I wouldn't feel like trash right now..."
***
Iwaizumi was inside the car, keeping watch around Oikawa's house. There was no one, everything had been quiet for days. Maybe too quiet.
No photos of Oikawa or Kuroo had been posted, even though they had both been out on the street - of course accompanied by Iwaizumi or Ryan respectively. On the one hand, Oikawa had come and gone from Akaashi's office several times to talk about a new pornographic film with an English actor, he had gone outside to clear his mind after spending so much time at home protecting himself from the stalker, and he had even gone to a meeting with several film directors who were willing to pay anything to have Oikawa in their - Iwaizumi thought - bad films.
On the other hand, Kuroo had taken Bokuto to a rehab center and had gone out as much as Oikawa had, in broad daylight and without protecting his face or hiding it; Iwaizumi didn't know if he had also had meetings about new movies, but that didn't seem to matter to the media. Not a single image of either of them had been published. If the gossip was what led to the creation of a story, the succulent information of Oikawa's meeting with several film directors should have been a bombshell. But that didn't seem to interest the paparazzi or the stalker.
It was clear that the images were only published when Oikawa and Kuroo were together in delicate moments.
Iwaizumi passed his hand over his face and looked around again. The darkness of the night could hide an attacker if he was not vigilant. He looked out passing his eyes from the windows, to the mirrors, to the rear view mirror and to the front windscreen to control all angles around Oikawa's house and not miss details. But there was nothing, there was no movement in the place and the stillness of the night was making him drowsy.
But then his phone rang and all traces of sleep left his body. If it was Oikawa and something had happened to him even when he was watching...
However, the phone number was not Oikawa's. It was Ushijima's.
"Ushijima? What's wrong?" Iwaizumi said while picking up.
"Oh, nothing," Ushijima replied. "It's just that I haven't talked to you in a long time, it's been very difficult for me to get you to pick up the phone."
"Sorry," Iwaizumi apologized. "Now I work 24/7, sorry I didn't answer your calls earlier."
"Is everything alright?"
"Not really. I'm exhausted, but I can't leave Oikawa alone, not with a stalker behind."
"Does he have a stalker?" Ushijima asked in surprise.
"Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. That's the reason I've been so busy. I haven't had time to tell you," Iwaizumi lamented.
"Don't worry, I understand that you're busy. You sound a bit tired."
"I'd like to have one day off at least," Iwaizumi said with a sigh. He dropped his head back until it was resting on the headrest of the car seat. "Although now it's not so maddening to be with Oikawa because he's not the asshole I thought he was, I'm tired of watching him. Nothing's happening, and maybe it's because the stalker has decided to stop harassing him for a while, so now I feel like my job is to waste time looking for an inexistent threat."
"You should talk to Oikawa and tell him that you need a day to rest," Ushijima said. "Besides, I'd like to see you. I miss you."
Iwaizumi chuckled. "I don't know how you can say that in the same tone of voice all the time."
"Sorry, I usually don't know how to put emotions in my voice," Ushijima commented. Iwaizumi chuckled again.
"No problme. It's one of the things I like about you. The calm in your voice relaxes me," Iwaizumi said looking out the window with a goofy smile.
"Oh. That's cute," Ushijima said with a chuckle. "I'd like to see you one day. Do you think I can?"
"Well..."
Iwaizumi looked back towards Oikawa's house. The light in the living room was on, as a small glow seeped through the gap left by the curtains. Nothing else was visible, the rest of the rooms were dark, there was no noise or signs of life. Everything was as quiet as if everything was dead.
"Maybe tomorrow I can get away, even if it's just for a while. So I can see you," Iwaizumi said without taking his eyes off the closed curtains in the living room.
"Are you sure? I don't want to get you in trouble," Ushijima said. "It's okay if I have to wait a little longer, I know what you're doing is important to protect Oikawa. It's fine if I wait until the threat is gone. I just wanted to let you know that I want to see you."
"Don't worry. I'll talk to Oikawa and Akaashi in the morning, but everything seems very quiet. Maybe we're paranoid and we're overreacting. Everything's been clear for days, no one suspicious has approached the house or Oikawa," he said. "Still, I'll let you know in the morning, and if I'm free I'll be able to see you for a bit. Maybe at night?" he asked in a slow whisper.
"Oh my, my," Ushijima replied. His voice now showed emotion, desire. "Sounds like a good plan to me. Same place as always?"
"Yes," Iwaizumi said, unable to hide the smile that grew on his lips as he bit them. "I'm gonna keep watching over Oikawa for now, I don't want to get horny at work. We'll talk tomorrow."
"Be careful," Ushijima said, "I don't want anything to happen to you."
"Thank you, Ushijima. Good night."
"Good night, Iwaizumi."
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Posting early today lol
Sooooo now you understand why Sakusa wanted to stop seeing Atsumu, poor baby he's afraid of paparazzi 😞
One chapter and the epilogue left, I'll post both on sunday so wait for the end!
See you soon, ilyyy ❤
NAZ, OVER AND OUT!