His little excuse for going to bed early wasn't even close to the truth, but it worked. He texted Steve, knowing the man always ran on Saturday mornings- and practically every morning. Steve was nice enough to let him join and accepted coffee after. They had planned to hang out later that evening anyway, but the jump start was welcome.
Bucky stayed up the first half of the night tossing and turning, thanks to those stupid emotions she had evoked in him.
With what felt like 15 minutes of sleep, the alarm blaring at him received a stern glare. He grunted out of bed on little to no rest, grabbed some workout clothes, and eased out into the hall as quietly as possible, not to wake Y/N.
She was an early waker, so he worried about the chance of running into her, but tip-toed around to prevent alerting her.
Going into the kitchen, he found a note next to the coffee pot where everything was set to start a serving, and all that he needed to do was press the on button.
Hope your run with Stevie goes well! Remind him we have the club opening tonight with the crew. You know how he feels about those kinds of scenes ;) -Y/N/N <3
He smirked at her kind gesture. She was infamous for little notes and small acts of service that made everyone's life a touch easier. It was second nature for her to make people's day a little brighter. Something he'd always admired about her.
Damn, it. This wasn't helping his chaotic mind.
He grabbed his coffee quickly, drinking it as he drove to the park, where Steve and his meeting point were. And still... The gears in his head had yet to slow down.
"Hey, Buck," Steve greeted. He came around the side of Bucky's car and found him leaning against the hood, watching the sunrise, and drinking from his travel mug.
"Hey man," Bucky cleared his throat, smiling softly and putting the cup in the car as they moved to stretch.
"It's been a minute since you've joined me for a morning run. What's going on?"
"Uh, nothing much. Just needed to clear my head some."
As Bucky stretched, Steve watched him carefully, and his long-time friend felt his gaze burning into him.
"What?" he looked up at him, pausing his toe-touch.
"You're terrible at hiding things, you know?" Steve smirked, mimicking his stretch.
"I don't know what you're getting at," Bucky shook his head and pulled a leg to his chest, balancing on the other.
"We're going to play it that way?" Steve chortled as he swapped to stretch his arms.
"I'm not playing anything."
"You're right. You're just prolonging the inevitable discussion you called me to have. And last I checked, games are supposed to be fun," Steve shrugged, pulling his arm across his chest and holding it in place with his other.
Bucky didn't respond but instead looked away as if avoiding eye contact would stunt the conversation from happening at all.
"What's really going on?" Steve sighed, moving closer and giving Bucky a sincere look.
Bucky looked at him and saw there was no point in avoiding it. He had used Steve as an excuse, but there was an unconscious reason he had. He knew he could talk to Steve about anything and that he needed to have this conversation whether he wanted to or not. Or else he'd have many more sleepless nights, and who knew what other kinds of issues?
"I-I honestly don't know, man."
"Work trouble? Girl trouble? Life getting you down?"
"Roommate trouble?" Bucky replied quietly.
"Roommate trouble? Wait, is something going on with Y/N? You guys never get into fights. Well, not real ones anyway." Steve placed his hands on his hips.
"Not a fight," Bucky waved off, pulling his foot behind him to stretch his calves. "Just..." How did he word this? "Something's... off."
"Off how?"
"I've been noticing things... Things I never noticed before," Bucky mumbled.
"Huh? Wait..." Steve paused. Then, like a lightbulb going off, he looked down and let out a single laugh as he shook his head. "Ha!"
"Ha? What do you mean, HA?" Bucky questioned, frustrated.
"You're seriously just now noticing it, Buck?" Steve shot back with an arched eyebrow.
"Noticing what?"
"Dear God, you're more hopeless than any of us assumed," Steve turned in a circle and looked up at the canopying trees in the park, pursing his lips.
"Get to the point, Punk," Bucky groaned, knowing Steve would drag it out if he let him.
"You're feelings for Y/N, obviously," he turned back to him. "I emphasize the obvious part, too."
"Now, don't start all that-"
"That's the thing. It started a long time ago," Steve's laugh followed him as he took off in a jog, Bucky quickly stumbling behind him. "We've all known. It was just a matter of time before your brain finally caught up."
"What do you mean 'we'?"
"Literally anyone with eyes, " Steve laughed again, picking up the pace.
"Elaborate, Rogers," he sneered, pushing himself some to keep up. He was more out of practice than he realized.
"Come on, Buck. Since the day you set eyes on her, you had a crown of hearts circling your head. And when she denied your charm and flirting over and over, it just kinda shrunk. I don't think it ever went away, but you hid it really well. So well, even you didn't realize it, apparently."
"Now, I don't think that-"
"Don't try and tell me you didn't think she was cute when you first met."
"I didn't say that. I was going to say I don't believe in love at first sight, so the whole swooning over her when I first met her, doesn't really pertain to me," Bucky mumbled again, picking up his pace with the blonde.
"I'll argue that another juncture. One problem at a time. But also, you've never experienced that kind of love before, so how do you know if it was?" Steve hummed, going into a full sprint.
"Jesus, slow down!" Bucky shouted, running after him. "We're trying to have a conversation at the same time, and it's not mixing well." His breathing was already growing labored.
Steve kept up the chase for a little while longer, and when he noticed Bucky needed to slow down, he began to walk.
"You OK?" he laughed, patting Bucky's back once he caught up.
"When did you get so fast?" Bucky panted.
"Helps when you run 5x a week."
"God, I need to get back to the gym," Bucky groaned.
"Yeah. You do," Steve joked. "Sleeping around is great cardio, but it only works so many muscles."
"Hey, watch it. I can still beat you up."
Steve laughed and waited for Bucky to catch his breath before bringing the conversation back up.
"If it's not about your feelings for Y/N, then what did you need to get off your chest?" he asked, and Bucky's face read guilty. "Right... Well, I have seven more miles to go, but we can knock it down a few, grab some coffee, and get all the chaos in there, out." He motioned to Bucky's head. "Sound like a plan?"
The two continued to run a couple more miles, and Bucky slowly got his endurance back. After about 4 miles, the two came back to their starting point and made their way to the cafe they frequented separately.
_____
"So he just jumped up and ran to his room?" Wanda asked as she ushered one of the patients back to his next scheduled spot at NSLB, Y/N alongside her.
Wanda was a psychiatrist at the facility. Mainly specializes in PTSD, but she was a smart cookie and had a lot of knowledge in that beautiful auburn head of hers. She was a part of their little friend group from college and was the other individual that Y/N clicked really well with besides Bucky. Not that she didn't click with them all, but Bucky and Wanda were her main people to go to.
"Yeah. I was helping him meditate and tried to get him to relax because he mentioned something about work stressing him out. That and he had been acting strange and distant as soon as we sat on the couch."
"And at what part of the meditating did he freak out?"
"I asked him to think of things that help him feel stress-free. You know the list of 10 things and associate each number with something that brings you joy or peace?" Wanda nodded. "You would have thought I poured a pitcher of ice down his back," Y/N sighed, talking with her hands.
"That is strange. Was he acting off or weird about anything else?" Wanda asked, turning a corner down the recreation hall.
"Maybe he thought of some naughty things and had to leave before you saw his-" the patient, Mr. Dugan, said.
"OK, Mr. Dugan. Let's get you to lunch," Wanda interrupted, getting a smirk out of him as she passed him on to another nurse. "Have a good day, and I'll see you Tuesday for another check-in."
"Yes, ma'am," he answered before being turned away with a chuckle.
"The old men here... I tell ya," Wanda laughed before turning back to her office.
"Speaking of, I have a date with Stan this upcoming Friday."
"He finally locked you down?" Wanda laughed more.
"I relented. His persistence was honorable. Plus, it's Stan. He deserves the love," she shrugged.
"He doesn't have any family that's still alive or comes to visit, so that's nice of you, Y/N/N. He'll really enjoy it." Wanda took one last turn, and they finally came to her office. "Back to the Bucky thing, though."
"Well, the other thing that was kind of strange was when we had our food delivered, it was a guy I went out with a few times. Bucky asked about it when he left and seemed uncomfortable by the fact I've had hookups before."
"Really? The man has a different woman in bed practically every other night," Wanda scoffed, sitting in her therapy chair with Y/N taking a seat in the one across from it.
"That's what I said. But something about it was more like he was frustrated. Is that the right word? I don't know, but he seemed bothered by my extracurricular activities," Y/N scoffed. "So, do any of these things mean something to you? Should I be concerned, or am I looking into it?"
Wanda had a good feeling she knew what was happening, but she wouldn't say anything.
"I think I need a little more to make a decent observation on it, but we're all going to that new club tonight, right? I can see if the energy is off then."
"OK, sounds good. I'm still set to meet at your house after your shift and get ready there, right?"
"I should be off in about 2 hours. We hadn't planned on going out until 7 or 8, I think, but we can just hang out at my apartment until then. Hell, if you have nothing left for the day, you have a key. You can make yourself at home, and then I'll see you when I get off."
"Sounds like a plan. I'm going to go to the art room for a little to get out of my head. Then I'll head home and grab anything I need for tonight before I head over to yours," Y/N nodded, standing up and moving to the door.
"Great! I'll see you later then!" Wanda smiled as the two waved goodbye.
_____
"So, what are you going to do about it?" Steve asked after an hour-long conversation diving into the supposed 'problem' Bucky had finally come to terms with.
"I don't know, man. I don't think she sees me like that anyway, and I don't want to ruin our friendship by bringing it up, either. Truthfully, am I even the kind of guy she deserves?"
"Buck, you're a good guy, and you and I both know that if any man is going to treat Y/N anywhere close to what she deserves, you would be that person. And the part that I'm sure you're stuck on is that, even if you feel like you'll fall short somewhere, you'll strive to meet the challenge of being the best person for her."
Bucky took in his friend's words, and even if he wanted to challenge them, he wasn't wrong. If anyone was willing to crawl through hell and back for her, it was him. He would do it a million times over if she asked... Which was another thing that made this feeling hard to ignore.
"She's talked about a family and settling down. I don't know if I'll ever get to that. You know me. That stuff freaks me out and is far from what I want for myself."
"Nothing's changed your views over the years in that area?" Steve questioned, sitting back in the wingback chair he had made himself comfortable in the last hour.
"I mean," he hesitated. "My family is a mess and hasn't set the best example. My childhood wasn't horrible, but as soon as our family company took off, it was like we all became coworkers instead of family. I don't want to inflict that lifestyle on mine if I ever have it."
"That's a choice Bucky. It's not something set in stone. You get to choose how that ends up."
"Is it, though? I mean, Becca has been saying she'd travel back for years now, and she's still overseas doing the marketing for our family. I don't remember the last time we had a genuine Christmas or Birthday celebration that didn't involve a video conference. And with how the business is going, I don't see myself having a ton of time for kids with all the needs that are about to come up to keep the company thriving."
"Those are all parts that anyone has to figure out when deciding to settle down, but also, you're jumping the gun a touch. Let's start with you and Y/N having a sit down to discuss these feelings. Kids are something for a much later conversation."
"But what if she-"
"One crisis at a time," Steve waved his hand to tell him to pause. "You're acting like you don't know her. Like, she's just a random new crush that you want to get over. It's Y/N we're talking about."
"No, that makes it all the more terrifying," Bucky sighed, slumping back in his chair, the sound of the coffee shop's bell ringing in the background.
"You're nervous about her not feeling the same way?" Steve straightened and moved his leg on top of his knee, looking all the part of the therapist he was channeling for his friend.
"If she doesn't, it ruins everything. Everything we've been through. Everything we will go through." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I don't think I can risk that."
"I understand that," Steve nodded. "What if instead of rushing to put it out there, we wait it out some? See if the feelings could be mutual at all."
"You see how she interacts with me from an outside point of view. You think there could even be a chance?" Bucky moved to sit forward with his elbows on his knees.
Steve hesitated. He'd seen a lot of the two together over the years, and most of the crew could have an opinion on the couple.
"I think I'd need to see it with a new lens, knowing what you've confirmed now," Steve shrugged.
Bucky released a sigh of defeat. He didn't like to think of all the things that could go wrong. All the things he could lose if he read the situation wrong and said the wrong thing one day.
"Maybe I was meant for the bachelor life. I'm comfortable with it. Why change something that works?" he huffed, trying to convince himself just as much as Steve.
"You have to realize you can't do this forever, Buck," Steve returned a disappointed therapist look as a barista shouted an order.
"Why not?"
"Be real right now. You really think all the ladies will throw themselves at your feet when you're 60?"
"Yeah, I plan on looking this good till the day I die," Bucky said unphased, manipulating the topic.
"Yeah, and when the girls that talk to you only want you for your money, and you want something more, how do you think that's going to work out?" Steve asked bluntly, his face showing annoyance.
Bucky took a deep breath before opening his mouth, and Steve shook his head.
"If you're not going to take this conversation seriously, maybe you aren't ready for a real relationship," Steve scratched his beard.
"I am taking it seriously."
"I saw you revving up with one of your sarcastic jokes instead of an honest answer. Don't even try to convince me otherwise."
"Or maybe I'm just proving the point I knew I would prove," Bucky shrugged, and Steve let out a low sigh.
"No, what you're doing is sabotaging it before it even had a chance to start."
They had an intense stare-off, one that friends who have known each other since childhood could telepathically hold forever and know exactly what the other was meaning with an eyebrow raised alone.
"Great pep-talk, Cap, but I think I'll keep to myself. I've concluded that I'm just looking more into this than I need to, and taking a back seat is best for now." He ran his hands down his legs and grabbed the cardboard coffee cup beside him.
"Bucky, I think exploring these new feelings may be better than just running from them-"
"I gotta go. I'll see you later tonight." Bucky stood up, turning his direction towards the door.
"So you're just going to run?" Steve shouted toward him, making him stop in his step. He paused, looking at the door before turning back to the blonde.
"Nothing to run from. Nothing's happened, and nothing's going to happen," Bucky shrugged, pushing on and leaving before Steve could guilt-trip him anymore.