[A/N: i finally got around to writing a style one shot and i'm super happy about it! style is another one of my main ships so this was fun to write. this was based on a book called To All the Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han because the plot was just adorable.]
trigger warning: depression, self harm, eating disorder, suicide mention
stan's pov
"what the hell, marsh?"
"well hi to you, too."
it was nine o'clock on friday and i was looking right in kyle broflovski's confused eyes in the front doorway of my house. his eyes were so pretty. his hair was messed up and looked so immensely sexy. i tried to push away my nagging thoughts.
"could i come in? and could we talk in private?" kyle asked awkwardly.
"sure. no one's home," i said as calmly as i could.
kyle walked inside and i closed the door behind us. we walked upstairs to my bedroom, which was painted a dark navy color and covered in dark posters of punk bands and other weird "emo" things, as my parents would call them. kyle noticed the drugs and alcohol lying obviously on my dresser and sucked in his breath. he was so pure and good; i wished i could be like him. but i was far from it.
ever since my parents divorced and my no-good father started dating his stupid girlfriend, i became extremely depressed and suicidal. and it wasn't just because of my parents' split. everything came crashing down around the same time. friends left me, i became self conscious and hated myself, my grades began dropping, everything became horrible.
i was worthless to society. i wanted nothing more than to die. i drew deep, red lines on my wrist with a blade to keep myself from going insane. i began doing drugs and my alcohol problem became more intense. i was trying to do everything it took to have a chance at being happy again. i starved myself in hopes to have a pretty body. i dressed in all black and got piercings.
i could tell kyle was not used to my "new" self. he was looking around my room, intrigued and confused at the decor. ever since we entered junior year, we hadn't hung out much outside of school. kyle hadn't been to my house in a good year or so.
i sat down on my bed as kyle leaned against the open doorway, cracking his knuckles nervously.
"what's up, broflovski?" i asked, getting lost in his vibrant red hair.
"uh... this is kinda... serious, i guess? deep? personal?" he muttered.
my forced smile faded and i looked down at the ground, running my fingers over my sleeve where my cuts were hiding underneath.
"just go ahead and say what you were going to say," i said quietly, already feeling like he was going to say something like i was a horrible friend or he hated me.
"um... i dunno who sent this to me, maybe it was you, but i got this letter in the mail and it was quite... not what i was expecting from you," kyle said.
"wait... if it was from me, then why don't i remember sending you anything?" i asked, concerned.
"here, you can look for yourself," he stepped forward to me and held out eight lined pieces of paper written on the fronts and backs. i immediately recognized the letter and jerked my hand back, throwing the letter onto the ground next to kyle.
it was my letter.
but how did it get to kyle?
it must have been shelly. that asshole!
kyle picked up the letter and began reading it over again. i cringed and played with the hem of my sleeve intensely.
ever since seventh grade, i was in love with kyle broflovski. we were the closest friends in seventh grade, and i just began seeing him as way more than just my friend. the way he laughed, his hair, how he always grabbed onto my sleeve when we were walking next to each other. everything about him was perfect. but there was no way he would ever feel the same way.
but now, with my letter exposed to him, not only is there no chance he would love me back, i wouldn't be surprised if he completely hated me.
"stan... i'm assuming you wrote this... about me... well it says my name, but like... stan...? i'm confused," kyle murmured.
i could feel tears forming in my eyes. this was probably the worst day of my life. that letter held everything i had ever written about my undying feelings for kyle since i realized i loved him. whenever i would think or write in my journal something about how his eyes were so big and pretty, or how we brushed arms that day and sparks shot through my body... it was all compiled into that one letter.
"why... is all the stuff written here... true?" kyle asked, reading the words over and over again, looking confused and astonished.
"shit... that was like my journal, i never meant for you to see it..." i stammered.
"then why is it written like a letter? to me?"
"well obviously you picked up on the meaning of the letter. it's a love letter, jesus christ, kyle," i said, "it seemed less creepy if it looked like i was writing something to you than just writing it in a notebook."
"so... so you..."
" -- love you. yes, i love you," i choked on my own air. kyle didn't say anything.
"i'm sorry... i know you probably hate me..." i began spilling out words quickly, tears falling from my eyes and down my cheeks, "i just... every single day since seventh grade i woke up completely in love with you. and i was confused then. we were super best friends, right? i was probably just getting mixed up. but each day went on and i realized it was something much more. i found myself gazing into your eyes and imagining things that goes beyond just super best friends. i found myself daydreaming about us in a relationship. i found hours of my time being devoted to just thinking about you."
i began sobbing now, my chest going up and down heavily as i began sniffling loudly and more tears were coming.
"and then you and the rest of the guys would always make jokes or make fun of people who were gay, and it made me feel worse about myself. i didn't know what was happening, kyle. i just wanted you to love me. and we would always have those sleepovers where we lean on each other on the couch under the same blanket, or you'd hug me at random times or say that you love me but i would just hate you even more because it was like you were just teasing me! jesus christ, kyle, you're the most handsome human being i've ever seen... you're my super best friend... but everything has changed and i just want you."
i heaved in and out, sniffling loudly and and wiping the newly formed tears from the corners of my eyes. i sat cross-legged on my bed, my hands in my lap, looking down and sobbing.
i regretted everything i had just said. i screwed up everything between kyle and i. in hopes to get us closer, i just pushed him farther away. i wanted to die. what is life without the person you love loving you back?
i heard shuffling of feet and assumed kyle was leaving. i grumbled to myself. but i felt a presence close to myself and more body heat. i looked up slowly, sniffling, and my lips made contact with kyle's.
he took me by surprise. he had climbed up on the bed, his one hand on my shoulder and the other leaning on my bed covers. he was pushing me back and slid his hand up my shirt, kissing me with his soft lips. i closed my eyes blissfully and opened my mouth and closed it around his bottom lip.
"k -- kyle..."
"shhhh," kyle grinned sheepishly and kissed my neck over and over again.
he put both his hands under my shirt and traced his fingers down my chest making me tingle with warmth. he pulled my shirt up over my head as he continued to kiss me slowly. he pulled away and placed his hands on my chest, his legs on either side of my legs. sitting on my lap in a way, he leaned forward again to kiss me but i stopped him.
"wh -- is something wrong?" kyle asked, his mouth slightly open.
"n -- no, not at all," i breathed, feeling extremely hot and aroused, "kyle... do you love me?"
"i love you, stan marsh," he breathed, "i -- i'm sorry that i made you feel horrible... you're my super best friend. but i love you. holy shit i love you."
"kiss me," i breathed into his neck, "make me feel alive."
---
heavy breathing. kyle heavily breathing sounded so sexy. sweat and warm skin. i love him.
"you okay?" i asked.
"i love you."
kyle was leaning his head on my bare chest, his arms wrapped around my waist. our naked bodies were against each other relaxingly, although relaxed was the complete opposite of what was happening a half hour ago.
"i didn't know you had that in you," i blurted.
"hmm?" kyle looked up suggestively at me, his eyes sparkling.
"you're an amazing top," i smiled sweetly.
"well thank you," kyle smirked, "we should do this again sometime, hmm?"
"definitely," i smiled, hugging him closer, "you're all mine, super best friend."
[A/N: sorry this was so short! i felt so bad for not updating in a few weeks so i just spit something out really quick. either way, hope you enjoyed this! i'll try to update more often again.]