Another request from shesdressedinyellow , grab your tissues and anti-depressants. This is a mega long one (4800 words) Enjoy!
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Trigger Warning ⚠️
"All my life I been considered as the worst..."
Toni sat at her vanity doing a last minute makeup check before it was time to leave. She straightened the diamond necklace on her neck before smiling at herself.
"You look beautiful baby." Kenny said coming into their bedroom.
She turned to face him, "Thank you. You look handsome as always." She said before he pecked her lips.
"Thanks. Is Kris ready?" He asked of their daughter.
"I'm not sure. Let me check." Toni said getting up. She walked out of the room and across the hall to their daughter's room.
She couldn't help the sigh that escaped her when she passed by the room next to it. Shaking it off, she knocked on the door.
"Kristina? Are you ready?" She asked through the door.
On the other side, Kristina dusted the white powder off her nose before stuffing the left over residue into a small plastic bag.
"Yeah mom, just a second." She said closing the bag and putting it inside her purse. Doing a once over in the mirror, she opened the door.
"Don't you look beautiful..."Toni said before noticing something on Kristina's neck, "You're wearing her necklace." She breathed out.
Kristina looked away, "I can take it off-"
"No. It looks nice. Come on."
Kenny stood at the door as they descended down the stairs. His heart stung a bit seeing only one of his daughters. He pushed out a smile.
"There are my beauty queens." He complimented.
"Thanks dad." Kristina said as he held the door for them to walk out.
•••••••
"Mr. Grant this is my beautiful wife Toni. Toni this Mr. Grant one of our top investors." Kenny introduced. This cocktail party was very important for his job. If he secured more money from Mr. Grant, he'd get a promotion.
Toni stuck her hand out, "Nice to meet you."
"Likewise." The old man said shaking it.
"Our daughter Kristina is somewhere around here." Kenny said looking around.
Mr. Grant smiled, "How are her studies at Harvard?"
Toni and Kenny looked at each other. Toni looked away as Kenny spoke up.
"Umm...that's Karina. She passed away before she got to start her freshman year." He said somberly.
"My goodness. I'm so sorry."
"It's fine. They're twins, so people get them confused."
Mr. Grant nodded as an eerie silence fell over them. Toni spoke up.
"I'll umm, go find Kristina." She said before walking away.
Kristina sat in the bathroom stall snorting another line of coke. She tried her best to avoid her parents and their friends all night. She didn't want to play nice and be on her best behavior. She didn't want them asking personal questions. She wanted to be left alone.
Snorting the last line and let out a breath. Putting everything back into her purse, she exited the stall. She dusted her nose off and fixed her lip gloss in the mirror. As soon as she opened the door to leave the bathroom, she ran into her mother.
"Kristina! There you are, I've been looking for you." Toni said.
"Sorry I had to pee."
Toni grabbed her hand, "Come on." She said. She lead her into the main area where all the party guests were, "So, I saw some cute boys you'd like." She told her as they moved through people.
"Oh my God." Kristina groaned.
"At least talk to one of them, but not now."
They came up on Kenny and Mr. Grant. Mr. Grant's wife Karen had also joined them.
Kenny smiled, "Here she is. Kris, this is Mr. Grant."
"Hello." Kristina said.
"So where do you attend school?" Mr. Grant asked.
"Oh, I don't. College isn't for me."
"She wants to become a famous poet. She's really good." Toni said ignoring the disapproving look from Karen.
"You can major in creative writing. The last thing you want to be is a starving artist." Karen voiced.
Kristina scoffed, this is what she wanted to avoid. People were always judging and she knew deep down everyone was comparing her to Karina
"I'd like to hear a poem." Mr. Grant said.
Kristina gave him a smug smirk, "Here's one I wrote just for you. Roses are red, violets are blue, please mind the business that fucking pays you."
"Kristina!" Kenny said in embarrassment.
"I'll be at the bar." She said walking away.
"She's still grieving." Toni expressed to the shocked couple.
Mr. Grant nodded, "We'll catch up with you later." He said as he and Karen walked away.
Toni and Kenny stood there awkwardly.
"They're not coming back." Kenny thought out loud. He sighed grabbing a glass of champagne from the tray being passed in front of him.
Toni grabbed his hand, "It's okay baby." She said rubbing his shoulder.
"What the hell is wrong with her?"
"I don't know. I'll talk to her."
"No I'll talk to her." He said angrily.
Toni quickly shook her head, "Absolutely not. You can be harsh at times."
Kenny sipped his champagne, "Karina would've never-"
"Don't do that." Toni interjected.
"I'm just saying."
"Saying what? It should've been Kristina instead?"
He looked at her, "I would never say that or think it. If I could have it my way, I'd have them both here on this earth. I'm just saying Karina would've turned that conversation around. She was witty and quick on her feet, like you."
Toni sighed, "I miss her too, but we have to just reflect on the memories we have instead of wishing for ones we will never get." She said before walking away to find Kristina again.
•••••••
The party was over and the family was back at home. Kenny found Toni sitting at her vanity again. She removed her necklace putting it back in the jewelry box. Kenny eased up behind her placing a kiss on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry." He said.
She looked over her shoulder at him, "For?" She asked in confusion.
"Being selfish, I know this is hard on you too. Maybe more. You're so strong, I forget that this affects you too." He explained.
She sighed, "I'm not that strong, I just found a better way grieve. Honestly, I don't want to be sad tonight."
"Sorry."
"Stop apologizing." She said turning to face him.
"Okay."
She kissed his lips as he wrapped his arms around her waist. His tongue slipped into her mouth as he picked up sitting her on top of the vanity.
She pulled away and gasped, "Ken you're going to ruin my dress!" She said concerned about the makeup residue.
"I'll buy you a new one." He said pushing the dress up her thighs and around her waist.
He captured her lips again dominating the kiss. She reached between them undoing his pants as his hands snaked up her thighs. He pulled her closer to edge of the vanity pulling her panties to the side before entering her roughly making her gasp.
She wrapped her arms around his neck bracing herself for the wild ride as grabbed a handful of her ass. The vanity hit the wall a few times mirroring his rough strokes. Toni threw her head back rolling her hips to meet his thrusts as she bit her lip. Kenny kissed and sucked on her neck with intentions to leave his marks tonight.
•••••••
Coming out of the bathroom, Kristina heard soft banging and moaning coming from her parent's bedroom. She grimaced.
"Gross." She groaned going into her room and closing the door. She put her headphones in before searching for her secret stash, "Where is it?"
Looking under her bed and smiled. She grabbed the box and opened it seeing her stash of edibles. She ate two before returning the box to its place.
She looked at herself in the mirror with a sigh before she noticed a figure standing behind her. She was all bloody but still recognizable. Kristina's eyes watered seeing her sister.
"Why didn't you listen Kris?" She asked quietly.
"I'm sorry..." Kristina cried burying her face into her hands. She would give anything to take her sister's place. Karina was the only person who loved her. She deserved to be here. When she lifted her head, her sister's apparition was gone.
She wiped her face before searching in her purse for her cocaine. She grabbed the bag and realized it was practically empty.
"No! Ugh!" She groaned throwing the bag.
She grabbed her car keys off the dresser and snuck downstairs and out of the door. She drove to a motel parking lot in this rough neighborhood across town.
"What's up Kris?" Her dealer greeted as she got out of her car.
"You have some more of what you gave me last time?" She asked.
"Yeah, 500"
"500? You told me 250."
He shrugged, "That was before I knew how high the quality was. I'm sorry, just come back when you have the other half."
"Come on RJ, I really need it. Maybe we can work something out?" She asked stepping closer to him. He looked around before leading her to his car. When they arrived, he opened the door to the backseat letting her get in first. He climbed in after her closing the door behind them.
Once inside, Kristina took off her shirt as he unzipped his pants.
•••••••
Toni giggled as Kenny kissed behind her ear, "Ken, stop. I need to finish breakfast." She complained flipping one of the pancakes.
"I ate breakfast earlier remember?" He asked sticking his hand under her silk robe.
"You're nasty." She laughed hitting his roaming hand with the spatula.
"You love it."
"You two are still at it?" They heard. They turned to face Kristina who was walking into the kitchen.
"Good morning. You're up earlier than I expected." Toni said in surprise.
"Yeah."
An awkward silence fell on them prompting Kenny to feel the need to address an issue.
He leaned against the counter, "So we need to talk about last night. What you did was uncalled for."
"They started with me. I don't know why you have to be shucking and jiving for them anyway. It's giving very much coon vibes." Kristina voiced grabbing some water from the fridge.
Kenny raised a brow, "Excuse me?!"
Turning the stove off, "She didn't mean that." Toni said stepping between them before an argument started.
She turned to Kristina and shook her head.
"Kris, your dad was trying to secure a deal with an investor. Something that will put more money in his pockets for you to do whatever you want. That shucking and jiving as you say, paid for your car and that trip around the world a couple years ago. The least you can do is not embarrass him at an important event." She said.
Kristina sighed, "Sorry. It won't happen again."
"Good." Kenny said.
"Mmhmm, because I'm not attending another one of your events."
With that, she walked out. Toni palmed her face. That was not how the conversation was suppose to go.
"Fine by me!" Kenny yelled after her. He turned to Toni getting a disapproving look, "What?"
"I thought you agreed to let me talk to her."
"My bad."
She shook her head at him before going back to cooking breakfast.
•••••••
The next day Kris sat in bed with line of coke formed on an old textbook. She took a dollar bill she had and snorted one more. Suddenly the door opened and she quickly put the textbook on the floor and kicked it under her bed.
"Fuck, mom! Don't you knock?!" She yelled.
Toni frowned, "I knocked 4 times."
"What is it?"
"I was going shopping, I thought you'd want to come."
"No thanks." She said. Disappointed, Toni pushed out a small smiled and sat on the bed.
She frowned seeing a white substance on the bed.
"What's this?" She asked running her finger across it.
"Just flour, I tried baking cookies. It didn't work out." Kris said wiping the powder off the bed.
"Karina-"
"Made the best cookies, I know. I'm sorry I'm not her."
Toni frowned again, "Kris-"
"Mom, I just want to be alone for a while. Please?" Kris requested as she looked away from her mother.
"Yeah, okay." Toni said softly as she stood up. She walked to the door taking a look back at Kris before walking out.
She then wandered into what use to be Karina's room. Now it was just empty. Her eyes watered as she looked around remembering where the furniture use to be. Her bed against the wall where she would tell Toni about her problems. Her desk where she'd sit and debate with Kenny about everything from politics to what dessert should be that night.
A tear slipped down Toni's cheek. One car accident took her baby away and turned their family upside down. Now she felt like she lost both of her daughters even though one was still here. She slightly jumped as she felt a pair of arms wrapping around her from behind. She quickly wiped her tears as Kenny kissed her neck.
"You okay?" He asked.
"Yeah, just trying to figure out what to do with this empty room." She said trying to mask the pain in her voice.
"I think a pool table would look nice in here. Maybe a flatscreen on this wall." He suggested trying to cheer her up. It worked because she actually smiled.
"You want a man cave?" She asked.
He gasped, "Whaaattt? I wasn't even thinking about that, but if you insist."
She chuckled, "You're so silly."
•••••••
A week later...
Toni dumped all the stuff out of her Prada bag onto the dining room table in desperation. She groaned looking through the pile.
"Babyyy!" Kenny sang as he jogged downstairs.
"Yeah?" She said in deep thought.
"We have an empty house right now." He said as he approached. He frowned, "What are you doing?"
"I had $500 in here for the church's fundraiser. I was about to go give it to them but I can't find it."
"Are you sure it's not in another one of your millions of purses?"
"No, it was this one." She groaned checking the small pockets in the purse.
Kristina walked into the house texting. Kenny turned around.
"Kris, have you seen your mother's $500?" He asked.
She paused, "Why would you assume I had it?"
"No one is assuming anything." Toni said quickly.
"But you seem defensive." Kenny pointed out making Kristina roll her eyes.
"Ken." Toni scolded not straying from her search.
"I didn't take it." Kristina said as Toni turned to her.
"I know. I probably just lost it." Toni said. Kris went upstairs without another word.
"Look, is a check okay?" Kenny asked grabbing his checkbook from the coffee table. Toni nodded as he pulled a pen out of his pocket. He filled out a check and ripped it out of the book, "Here, 500 from both of us."
"Thank you. I'll be right back." Toni said taking the $1,000 check and pecking his lips.
•••••••
Kris found herself back in the motel parking lot. She walked up to a group of guys. A young guy with tattoos on his arms walked up to her.
"Sup?" He said.
"Hi, where's RJ?" She asked.
"This is my turf now. The name is Demarcus."
"You can call me Kris. I was looking for RJ he has a specific type of coke that I use."
"I got something way better than that soft shit."
Kris frowned, "Like what?"
He motioned her to follow him. He lead her into a motel room where there was stacks of drugs everywhere. A police officer would have a field day with this. He picked up a bag and poured some coke onto a small tray. He formed a line with a credit card and handed Kristina a rolled up piece of paper.
Taking the paper, she put it to her nose and snorted the line. She blinked a few times, for the first few seconds it felt like her brain was on fire. Then it settled leaving her with a tingling feeling.
"Nice huh?" Demarcus asked.
"Woah." She said.
"Take another."
She did as he said, "Damn that's good." She said, "How much?"
"2 grand." He said nonchalantly.
"Are you crazy?"
"This is foreign. I had to smuggle it from out of the country. If you don't believe me check the passport. It's too risky to just charge 500."
Kris sighed, "I don't have that."
"How much do you have?" He asked.
"600."
He grabbed a tiny bag and pour a quarter of coke in it. He handed it to her.
"A small portion. You want the full thing you gotta come better than 600."
She nodded handing the money to him, "Thanks."
•••••••
Kenny came downstairs seeing Toni curled up on the couch looking through a book. He came over and sat by her, "What are you looking at?"
"Just some old photos." She said. He could see the sadness in her eyes.
"You know it's okay to talk about her. I notice you always change the subject or pretend you're not sad. If that's your new way of grieving, it's not a good one."
Toni looked up at him, "I'm fine. I just felt like looking at some old photos. Okay?"
"Okay." He sighed.
Kristina came downstairs in desperate need to see Demarcus. She pulled her car keys out of her purse and headed for the door.
"Kristina, where are you going?" Toni asked seeing her pass by.
"Mom, I am 20 years old. You don't get to ask questions like that anymore." She said not bothering to stop.
Kenny looked at her crazy, "Kristina get back here." He called after her. She ignored him going out of the door. "KRIS-"
"Kenny just let it go." Toni said meekly. He turned to her in disbelief.
"No, she can't keep disrespecting us or this house. She's been rude, obnoxious, and..."
"She's all we have left...and she lost Karina too...so she may get angry sometimes, it's okay. I'm going to go lay down."
With that, she sat the photo album on the coffee table and went upstairs. Kenny sighed, he just wanted her to talk to him.
•••••••
"Demarcus! I need more." Kristina said walking up to him. His crew quieted down seeing her approach.
"You have my money?" He asked lowly.
She sighed, "No, but I can pay you double next time."
"That's not gon' work."
"Please, I'm having withdrawals that aren't normal." She pleaded. Whatever this new stuff was, it had her feening hard. She had never had something so addictive. She ran out of the small portion in 24 hours.
Demarcus thought for a second before noticing something.
"Is that real?" He asked pointing to the necklace she was wearing.
She looked down at Karina's necklace, "Yeah."
"How much did it cost?"
"I'm not sure, why?"
"Looks like it'll cover half." He said.
"It was my sister's. She died a few years ago." Kris said.
"Then she won't need it." He half joked. Seeing Kristina's hesitation he shrugged, "It's up to you."
She thought for a while before she decided to give in.
"Fine." She said taking it off. He dropped in his hand as he looked at her expectantly.
"I still need the other half of my money." He said.
She inwardly groaned. She didn't have the money. She lost her job after failing a drug test and she refused to tell her parents. That also meant she couldn't ask them because they would start to ask questions.
She stepped closer to him, "Come on, let's work something out."
"Like what?"
"Nothing I haven't done before."
Demarcus looked her up and down as she gave him a look. He looked around before nodding.
Ten minutes later, Kris laid in the motel room bed letting Demarcus have his way with her. She stared into space as he stroked into her. When did she become this person? She felt so dead inside nowadays. Maybe that's why she was letting this man and RJ use her body.
She was brought out of her thoughts hearing him loudly let out a slow grunt. It was seconds later that she would feel him releasing on her thigh.
He rolled over tucking himself back into his baggy jeans, "Damn girl! You should sell it more often, you'd be worth a fortune." He chuckled.
She rolled her eyes wiping her thigh off with the bed sheet. She got up putting her underwear back on.
"Just give me the stuff so I can go." She said grabbing her jeans from the floor.
He got up and walked over to the room desk and picked up a full bag. She was buttoning her jeans as he approached.
"Here. Next time I won't be so nice. Have my money." He said. She took the bag and left.
•••••••
Kenny stood up from the couch as his daughter came in, "Kristina Mari Edmonds, where the hell have you been?!" He asked seeing that it was 3 in the morning.
"Minding my damn business." Kris snapped walking past him. Kenny grabbed her arm.
"Who do you think you're talking t- I know that is not what I think it is on your nose." He said noticing the white substance on her nose.
She snatched away from him, "So what if it is!"
"DRUGS?! HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID!"
Toni came downstairs being woken up by the commotion.
"What's going on?" She asked before letting out a yawn.
"She's high...on coke!" Kenny said as Kristina rolled her eyes.
Toni walked closer to them, "Kris...why?"
"I'm sorry I'm not perfect like Karina was." She said.
Toni frowned, "What? Kris, you are not the only one who lost her. You can talk to us. Anything is better than this." She said as Kristina's eyes watered.
"I'm the only one who killed her. You guys can pretend, but I know you hate me. I hate myself. I wish it were me."
"Don't say that."
"I do! I know you guys do too. Karina was smart, she had a scholarship to Harvard, she spoke 3 languages, and she adored you and dad. She never got in trouble. That's not me. I'm not smart like that and I can't stay out of trouble to save my life. Me getting into trouble is the reason she's gone."
Kenny sighed, "Kris, it wasn't your fault. The car spun out of control into the other lane."
She shook her head,"No it didn't! I was drunk and high. She begged me to let her drive, but I refused. I swerved over into another lane and a car hit us head on."
Kenny stared in disbelief at what he heard. All this time he has chalked it up to being a freak accident.
"You lied?" He asked.
"You were so distraught I didn't know how to tell you-"
"I can't believe you!"
He walked away to collect himself as Toni quietly looked at her daughter. She didn't know this person. The Kristina she knew wouldn't have done anything like this. She frowned noticing something missing.
"Where's your sister's necklace? You had it on when you left, where is it?" She asked.
Kris lowered her head, "I sold it." She said. The room fell silent. She looked up and was immediately met with a slap across the face.
"HOW COULD YOU?!" Toni yelled with a cracked voice.
Kristina held her face glaring at her mother,"SHE'S GONE!!! She's never coming back!! You only wanted me to wear the necklace so you could see her. I'm nothing but a face to you!"
"That's not true-"
"Yes it is, and every day I wish I could take her place!! Maybe then you'd love me more!!" She said before rushing off.
Toni couldn't help the tears that were falling. She loved Kristina, she loved both of her daughters. If only Kristina had talked to her, she would've known how she felt. She hated that she felt unloved.
Now the only piece of Karina she had left was gone and Kristina was responsible. She felt like she had lost Karina all over again.
Kenny's embrace brought her out of her thoughts. She cried into his chest and he rubbed her back holding back his own tears. It's one thing to have a daughter die, but to know that the other daughter was to blame was something different.
"It's okay. We'll get her some help, go to counseling, and everything will be okay." He told Toni.
Later on they went to bed. Kenny laid facing the wall with wet eyes think about his girls. One minute they were begging him to play princess tea party the next minute, one was gone physically and the other mentally.
Toni tried texting Kristina but got no response. She didn't like the way things went down, it gave her a bad feeling.
Kristina ignored her mother's message. It was a lie anyway. She pour herself some more lines of coke as she wiped her tears.
•••••••
The next morning, Kenny and Toni woke up and did their regular routine. Toni found it odd that she didn't hear Kristina downstairs. Kenny opened the door and saw a note taped to it.
He opened it as Toni passed by. She paused, "What's that?"
"It's from Kris." He said recognizing the handwriting.
Dear mom and dad,
I know the hurt I brought on this family. I know you're ashamed, disappointed, and angry. So am I. I hate myself for what I did, I hate myself for who I've become, and I can't live like this anymore.
Kenny frowned seeing Toni walk out of the room,"Toni?" He called out but got no answer.
I'm sorry for what I did. Please know that I loved Karina with everything in me. She was my better half and being without her has been the worst pain I've ever experienced. I loved you guys too, which is why I could no longer allowed you to be burdened by me.
He paused. Why was she talking in past tense? Suddenly he heard banging on a door.
"Kristina?!" Toni yelled. She tried to jiggle the handle but it was locked. She banged on the door again, "Kris, open the door!!"
Kenny rushed over getting a really bad feeling.
"Move." He said quickly. Toni jumped out of the way right before he kicked the door open.
Toni let out a piercing scream as Kenny's eyes watered. Their daughter's pale body hung from her ceiling fan, a bed sheet around her neck.
"Oh my God." Kenny cried.
•••••••
One year later...
Toni sat on the bathroom floor wiping her tears. Today she was thinking about her girls. There was nothing the doctors could do for Kris, she was gone long before Kenny found the letter.
The doctors also believed that her emotional state mixed with her being high caused her to make such an irrational decision. Either way, it didn't make Toni or Kenny feel any better. It took months of therapy just for them to get a good night's rest. Now here they were trying to move forward.
She looked up seeing Kenny enter the bathroom.
"They sold the house. It sold pretty cheap but we were still able to make $250K." He told her. They couldn't get full price since they had to disclose Kristina's suicide.
"That's great." Toni said lowly.
He looked into her sad eyes, "Baby, if you want to keep it I'll call ba-"
"It's not that."
"Then what is it?"
Toni stayed quiet trying to figure out how to navigate her next words. There was no way to say it but to be blunt.
"I'm pregnant." She told him.
"Wow." Kenny breathed out coming over to her. He sat next to her as wiped a stray tear.
"I don't want it." She blurted out before looking at him.
He frowned, "Why?"
"Because I'm not fit to be a mother! I've failed TWICE!! Both of our daughters are dead and it's my f-"
"Don't even say that! It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. What happened to Karina was an accident. Kristina was mentally sick and she tried to cure it with drugs and it made things worse."
"If we had known about Kristina's problem from the beginning, we could've done something. Then they'd both still be here." She said reminding him that Kris was high when she crashed the car.
"Okay so we missed that. Every set of parents do-"
"No they don't! We fucked up."
He sighed, "Okay. Look, I'll support your no matter what. Just consider the fact that this may be God's way of giving us another chance to get it right." He said. He kissed her cheek before getting up.
Toni could see in his eyes that he wanted her to keep it. She just wasn't sure. He walked out leaving her with a lot to think about.
Disclosure: suicide is NEVER the answer!
Send your therapy bills to shesdressedinyellow
RIP to Biggie Smalls who passed 24 years ago today🕊