The finest souls are those who gulped pain and avoided making others taste it.
- Nizariat
I watched as Draco slept soundly. For the first time in months, he looked completely calm, as if all the worries had washed away, just for a little while. I brushed some hair out of his face and I couldn't help but let my hand rest on his skin for a while. I couldn't remember the last time I had touched his cheek.
I took a blanket that laid on one of the broken chairs in the corner and dusted it off. I gently laid it over his tall figure and sat down with my back against the couch I had put him in. It had been quite a workout to get him onto the couch without waking him, but he was not surprisingly very light, although he was quite tall.
I opened one of the books I had brought on modes of transportation. There was an entire chapter on Vanishing Cabinets. I snacked on some crackers that I had brought from the kitchen, but promised myself to keep the rest for when Draco was awake.
The book didn't teach me much that I didn't already know, so I tossed it aside after about half an hour. I needed to know what Draco knew first. I sighed and grabbed my Arithmancy book that I had brought from my dorm. I had the course first thing tomorrow morning and had not yet done my reading.
About halfway through the last page, I heard Draco shift behind me.
"Did I fall asleep? I'm sorry", Draco said groggily as he sat up on the couch, confused at the blanket that was draped over him.
"No worries, I feel like you could use some rest", I smiled.
"What have you been doing?" he frowned, looking at the objects scattered around me.
"Well, I went down to the kitchens to get some food and then I asked Kreacher to tell me how to get into the Room of Requirement, so I brought the food here. Then I went to the library to get some books and went to tell Daphne that I was okay. I came back here and I've been doing some reading ever since."
"Merlin, how long was I out for?" he chuckled.
"A couple hours, it's around midnight, I think."
"Then you should go to bed", he said and stood up.
"Oh no, Draco Malfoy", I protested. "I'm going to shove all this food in your mouth first and again, I'm not taking no for an answer."
Draco chuckled softly, before sitting down next to me, examining what I had brought.
"I didn't know when you'd wake up, so it's all cold food", I shrugged. "But I've got cake!" I got out the chocolate cake that the elves had prepared and all kinds of other pastries and biscuits. I handed him a fork and took one for myself as well, as I was starving after having missed supper.
"You're not leaving until half of that cake is inside of you, Draco Malfoy", I narrowed my eyes as he just frowned at the food with the fork in his hand.
"You haven't lost any of your spike, have you?" he smirked, poking his fork in the cake and pulling off a small piece.
"That's factual", I shrugged. It wasn't really, I had lost a lot of it over the months, but it had returned a couple hours ago, right when he did. We ate in silence for a while, but I was glad to see him actually eat again. It frightened me how skinny he had become.
"So, what's up with the Vanishing Cabinet?" I asked after a while, looking at the black piece of furniture that doomed in the corner.
"You already know, don't you? Didn't you observe my actions a few months ago?"
I shrugged. "You wouldn't tell me, so I had to resort to more extreme measures. It was quite genius, don't you think?"
"I noticed from the start", Draco chuckled.
"What? Why didn't you say anything?"
"I wanted you to know", he shrugged. "And it was better for you to just see what I was doing, because it meant that I didn't have to talk about it." A sudden sadness entered his eyes again as his eyes fled to the floor. He was overthinking, like he so often did.
"So you knew from the moment I walked in?" I said to keep the conversation going. I wanted to keep his mind in the present, with me.
"Of course. It usually smells very dusty in here, so it wasn't that hard to miss."
"Damn it, I even took off my shoes. I thought I had taken everything into consideration." Draco chuckled, putting down his fork. The situation felt more tense than it usually did. Normally, I liked the comfortable silences that we shared, just enjoying each other's presence, but now I felt the need to fill them all. I sensed that if it were quiet for too long, it'd send him spiraling again. I needed him to be with me for a while, to just not be sad.
And I still had so many questions that had been left unanswered.
"Why did you tell Crabbe and Goyle, but not me?" I asked after a while, the smile disappearing from my face. He looked up and his eyebrows drooped slightly when our eyes met.
"I didn't tell them much", he shrugged. "I just told them to stand guard in case someone would come into the hallway. They just did it because they knew it was for a task the Dark Lord had given me."
"I could have done so too, you know?" I said, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.
"Wait outside?" he chuckled. "Your lack of patience could never keep that up." I chuckled at the thought of me having to stand outside in the hallway for hours, just waiting. I could never.
"It was easier with them", Draco continued. "They didn't ask many questions and when they did, I just told them off and that's that." I nodded. I understood, kind of. I couldn't help but wonder what I would do in his situation. Probably the exact same thing.
"I know it's my fault", he said quietly.
"What is?"
"Me, you, the fact that me and you is no longer us." I swallowed at that sentence. He looked so broken and I just wanted to see him smile, that's all I ever wanted.
I had been strong these past months, I was strong, but now I was reminded of how happy I felt when he was around. He didn't really do anything, he was just there and it made me feel better than I had in the past half year. I wanted to hold onto that for as long as I could, even if it was just for a little while.
"Do you want that, for you and me to be us again?" He looked up with a mixed look in his eyes. There was a lot of sadness, combined with confusion and a little bit of longing."
"You know we can't", he said and looked down.
"We can figure something out", I tried, awkwardly tapping my fingers on my legs. "We put up quite a show over the summer, I'm sure we can come up with something. And you know that we don't have to be all that careful here." It was quiet for a long time. It felt like the words were hanging in the air, but they didn't make sense yet.
He looked down and shook his head almost unnoticeably. I couldn't help my shoulders from falling and my bottom lip from pouting slightly.
"Why?" I whispered softly. It was a question I had asked probably a hundred times already. Why did things have to be so difficult? Why couldn't we just be together?
And then Draco pulled up his sleeve and put his arm forward.
"I'm a Death Eater, Ellie", he said, a placid tone in his voice. I stared at the ink black mark on his lower arm. It was unavoidable, who he had become.
"I know", I said and I shrugged. I knew what I was getting myself into, but Draco was much more than just a Death Eater. I stood up and walked around the set-out food. He seemed a little surprised when I sat down in front of him, our knees touching.
"You don't want anything to do with this, Ellie, I know you don't", he sighed. I shrugged. It was true, but that didn't mean that it wasn't what was in my future.
"So what? You expect me to marry a kind Hufflepuff and live happily ever after?" I chuckled. "My father is a Death Eater and my mother has as much empathy for me as a Dementor. In my ideal world, I would have wanted a future that was less dark, but I don't live in that world, Draco. I live in your world, so I consider myself lucky to have fallen in love with you instead of being forced into a marriage with any other pureblooded dweep."
He stared at me for a while, his eyes looking right into my soul, but I didn't mind. I wanted him to look at me, to think about me and to not mind being close to me. It had been too long since he had done so.
"Did you just call me a dweep?" he said eventually and a smile broke onto his face. I grinned and wrapped my arms around his waist, putting my head on his chest.
"You are a dweep", I chuckled. "You're my dweep."
He put his arms around me and rested his back against the couch, pulling me closer.
"I don't understand you sometimes", he sighed, brushing some hair out of my face.
"Me neither", I mumbled, my eyes getting tired. It was late and we'd have to be at breakfast in approximately seven hours.
"We can still run away, you know?" I whispered, closing my eyes. "Just pack our bags and run off." I imagined the two of us taking a train to Merlin knows where. We probably wouldn't even last a week. Self-sufficiency was not exactly a trait that I was taught as a child, being surrounded by house-elves.
"Where would you want to go?" Draco asked. I thought about that for a while. There were many places I'd want to go to. I wanted to travel the world someday, see all the continents.
"I want to go to Prague some day, I heard it's beautiful."
"Prague? Haven't heard that one before", Draco smiled.
"I wanted to say Paris, but I didn't want to be basic", I chuckled, nestling myself against his chest. He gently rubbed his hand over my arm in rhythmic motions, lulling me to sleep. He placed a kiss on the top of my head, pulling me a little closer.
"I'll take you to Paris someday", he whispered.