𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲
NOVA
I knew it was time to go home now.
I had stayed with Jimin another night, sleeping in the spare room this time instead of next to him... I didn't want to have another sex dream about him, that was already awkward enough the first time.
It was good for me to have some time alone to clear my head, and I really valued Jimin's company, so I didn't think twice before agreeing to stay another night. The two of us knew what the other needed and we made a great team.
Jungkook wasn't there when I got home. Instead, I was greeted by an anxious Sana sitting quietly on the sofa. I felt terrible for getting up and leaving without saying goodbye, but Jungkook had pushed me until I couldn't handle anymore.
Surely, she would understand that?
"Where have you been?" She asked, her voice low and laced with bitterness. Sana usually reminded me of the sun with her sweet voice and golden locks. Something about her was angelic – she reminded me of everything good in the world.
But she was my best friend, and best friends argue.
"I went to Jimin's," I answered, honestly, knowing it wasn't the time to lie.
"I sent you so many messages, Nova. I was so worried and you had the audacity to leave me on read! And this, this is just the icing on top of the cake!" She said throwing her hands into the air. "You went to Jimin instead of sorting things out with JK? What were you thinking, Nova? I know what he did was awful, and I've told him that, but this isn't you," she'd left herself breathless.
I sighed, walking to the kitchen to get a drink. I was tired of hearing those words. "What do you mean this isn't me?"
"This person, you're a million miles away? You still look like my best friend but it's not you, it's not the Nova I know and love..." She sounded like she was holding back tears. "Out of everyone, why Jimin? You heard what Jungkook said, he's insecure around him!"
"Oh just shutup!" I yelled, turning around and making my best friend jump as I slammed the fridge shut. "You have no clue what you're talking about!"
The damage was already done. Sana had fallen back in her seat, tears in her eyes and her mouth slightly ajar. "What's gotten into you?" She whispered, furrowing her eyebrows like she was trying to make sense of the situation.
"HE CHEATED ON ME SANA! HE KISSED ANOTHER GIRL! DO YOU NOT SEE HOW WRONG THAT IS?" I screamed, running my nails through my hair.
"Oh, don't act so innocent, Nova. I've seen you; I've seen the way you act when people bring up Jimin, I've seen the way you watch each other when no one else is looking. Have you forgotten that I know you better than anyone? Jungkook may have physically cheated, but at least he still loves you, we all know he still loves you."
She didn't know me better than anyone. Nobody knew me because I hid everything from everyone. She saw the version I allowed her to see.
"I don't like Jimin like that, he's just a friend. I was in love with Jungkook. It's was always Jungkook," I threw my hands in the air in frustration, somewhat trying to convince myself as I said it.
"No, Nova," she shook her head, lowering her voice as she looked me dead in the eyes, "you just admitted it, check your tense," she finished, pressing her lips together before getting up and walking into her room.
Why was she doing this to me? She was my best friend and that means siding with me over anyone. Jungkook was in the wrong here, he cheated, he abused my trust.
I was infuriated, I wanted to punch something, break something. Hell, I'd probably kill someone right now if I could.
Biting down on my lip, hard enough to draw blood, I stormed to my bedroom, flinging a vase off of the counter as I went.
"DON'T BE SO CHILDISH, NOVA!" Sana screamed from her room as the glass smashing filled the flat.
"OH, JUST FUCK OFF WILL YOU!" I screamed back louder, slamming my bedroom door.
I'd never fought with Sana like that. She had this hatred for Jimin and a part of me couldn't blame her. He'd hurt me at the beginning, but he'd changed since then. He wasn't that guy anymore; I'd found out what made him so violent and so out of control.
It was me. I was Jimin's enigma. How could I blame someone for their behaviour, when I was the one causing them to act that way?
I sat down on the edge of my bed, kicking my heels off and stretching my bruised feet. I rubbed my hands up and down the clothes Jimin leant to me, taking in his scent. Immediately, my heart rate lowered and I relaxed into my surroundings.
That was until a sudden ping echoed through my room, making me reach for my phone. I was sure I didn't have anything planned today.
"Shit!" I cursed under my breath, looking at the time, "I can get there in fifteen minutes, right?" I jumped back up and grabbed a pair of trainers out of my closet.
I had totally forgotten about my second session with Dr Jeong. So much had happened in the couple of days that I'd completely spaced. I wouldn't miss it for the world, he made me feel so much better and I really needed someone to talk to right now.
Without even changing out of my clothes, I grabbed my bag and ran out of the house, not even saying goodbye to Sana. His office building wasn't that far away, I could probably make it in time if I ran.
***
"Stop apologising, Miss Mae!" Dr Jeong laughed, motioning for me to take a seat.
"I'm sorry I'm late, it's been a crazy week!" I chuckled, sitting down on the sofa and crossing my legs.
"Well, that means you have a lot to tell me then!" He replied, scribbling down in his notebook. "I feel like something is different, you've got a healthy glow about you," he mentioned, looking up at me over his glasses.
"You and everyone else, Dr Jeong," I sighed, picking at my nails. "Let's cut to the chase, shall we? So, Jungkook cheated on me. The love of my life, the boy I would have done anything for, the man I wanted to grow old with cheated on me," I laughed, realising how conflicted I felt about the situation.
"I'm sorry to hear that, Miss Mae. Are you comfortable talking about it?" He asked, leaning forward in his chair, giving me his full attention.
"Yeah sure," I shrugged, "I caught him cheating with his ex-girlfriend, they were literally eating each other's face. Sort of a shame really, I guess we aren't getting married or having little babies anymore," I ended with a scoff, finding it hurt less when I joked about it.
"You don't really seem that upset? Correct me if I'm wrong..." He jotted something else down in his little notepad. I wasn't really affected by his writing anymore, it's not like whatever he was he writing would get out and hurt me - I was already pushed to the brink of pain.
"Well, I suffered a whole load of Deja Vu that night. It was like a repeat of that night I was telling you about with Kai... Same place, same words, slightly different pain. It was like someone was making me live out one of the worst moments in my life again. It was horrible, haha." I caught Dr Jeong's eyes flicker as I explained.
"That is weird," he replied, scratching his head. "I can't help but notice a change in your attitude and appearance, Miss Mae, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" He said after clearing his throat and moving uncomfortably in his seat.
"Sure!" I smiled, wriggling in my seat to prepare myself.
I was an open book now, there were only a few things I was keeping secret but that wasn't hurting anyone but me.
You are upset. You're devastated, just admit it. He's here to help you so just let him do his job, answer his questions honestly okay?
"Shutup!" I let out accidentally, making Dr Jeong look up from his notebook.
"What was that?" He asked, cocking his head to one side.
"Oh, sorry nothing!" I grinned, waiting for him to start.
"Okay, Miss Mae, I'd just like to remind you that I'm a licensed therapist. So everything I ask has meaning and is valid in helping you with your mental health. I'm also a licensed psychiatrist, so I have the authority and expertise to diagnose you if needed." He raised his eyebrows at me, "you understand, that right?"
"Yeah!" I winked, shooting him with my finger guns.
"Okay, let's begin. Miss Mae, do you often have intense and unstable relationships with others? For example, do you feel like you idealise and undervalue your relationships with the people closest to you?"
"I'm not sure," I answered honestly, "I have a hard time trusting people but at the same time I get so emotionally attached that I can fall extremely hard. My romantic relationships are very rocky, and I guess my best friend and I can get into fights a lot. I can rarely understand someone's true intentions with me, I'm wrong about everyone I meet."
"Can you give me an example?" Dr Jeong asked, looking at me intensely.
"Well, I thought Jungkook was the one when he clearly wasn't... I romanticised his possessiveness, I looked past his flaws because I was so in love with the idea of love. I also undervalued Jimin. I thought he was a terrible person at the beginning and refused to give him the time of day but right now he might be the most important person to me," I explained confidently, gaining a nod from Dr Jeong.
"Okay next question. Do you find that your emotions change quickly? For example, can you feel irritated easily? Do you experience intense episodes of sadness or anxiety?"
Wow, he sure is asking some deep questions.
"Yes! Oh my God, my mood swings are insane! I think it's hormones though, I am still young," I laughed, trying to make light of the situation.
"Explain please."
"Well, you've already seen me have a panic attack, but I've also tried to kill myself a couple of times!" I admitted nonchalantly, not really thinking about the implications until after I said it. "But don't ask me to explain, because I won't!" I scolded, pointing my finger at the man in front of me.
"Okay, I won't," he laughed, "that answers question number three then so let's move on to question four. Are you reckless, Miss Mae? Do you find yourself driving over the speed limit? Engaging in sexual relations just to feel a high? Binge eating? Drug addiction?"
Wow, things are about out to get pretty awkward if you tell him your body count.
"Hey! My body count isn't even that high!" I whined, pouting as the voice in my head tried to embarrass me.
"I never said it was, Miss Mae..." Dr Jeong was looking super confused.
"Oh, I wasn't talking to- Never mind," I mumbled, looking down at my hands and away from his prying eyes. "I guess you could say I've recklessly gotten involved with men just to feel something, and I guess you could say I've had a drug addiction in the past, but it wasn't exactly voluntary."
"Okay, Miss Mae, do you have a fear of abandonment? Do you jump to conclusions easily? Do you forgive people for things you shouldn't, because you're more afraid of them leaving you than hearing the truth of the matter?"
"I think you already know the answer to that one, doctor," I laughed, thinking back to Kai and how even though my gut was telling me he was being unfaithful, I was too scared to pick him up on it in case he'd leave me. "I'm terrified of being alone, so much that it makes me reckless and forgiving, yes."
"That answers my next question too," he said gently, noting more things down. "Let's talk about rage...".
"I guess I can be nasty when I want to be," I thought back to my fight with Sana earlier, "but I usually regret it right after, I feel guilty because I can see where they're coming from," I quickly added onto the end, before he jumped to some conclusion that I had psychopathic tendencies.
"Okay, Miss Mae, it's important that you answer my final question honestly, okay?"
"Okay..." I agreed reluctantly, wondering why this question was going to be any different than the others.
He leant forward in his chair, placing his fingertips together as I avoided his gaze and stared out of the window. This was getting pretty intense; I was almost sweating.
"Miss Mae... Do you hear voices?"
My heart dropped into my stomach, making my whole body pulsate. I didn't move, I was frozen in my spot. The hairs on my arms stood on end as a few chills ran down my spine, my breaths were getting heavier and heavier by the second. I didn't even want to turn my head, I knew he was there, his eyes staring deep into my soul.
"No, of course not!" I suddenly found the power to spit out. "Why would you even ask that?" I laughed anxiously.
"Miss Mae, please don't be offended or embarrassed. I'm here to help you and in order to do that, I need to know if you hear anything in your head?" Dr Jeong said calmly.
I wasn't crazy, only crazy people hear voices.
I know I said to answer his questions honestly, but I think this is something we should keep to ourselves, Nova. The little voice let out, almost desperately.
If you answer, he'll know everything. He'll know what happened to us!
He was only trying to help. I remembered how better I felt after leaving his office the last time. Maybe telling him was the best thing I could do. Everyone talks to themselves; everyone has an angel and devil sitting on their shoulder. It was just my conscience.
"What if I did? It's normal for people to have an inner voice. People talk to themselves all the time..." I was half laughing and half choking.
"Well yes, you're completely right. However, some people hear voices in a different way... Do your voices try to control your emotions or how you react to situations? Do they determine whether or not you lash out? Do they take control of your body when you can't?"
Don't tell him, Nova!
"I'm not crazy..." I was getting defensive. There was this look on his face telling me this wasn't normal... That I wasn't normal.
Miss Mae, I think I'm going to need some time to look over your answers and my notes from our previous appointment. I think that's enough for today. I think next time we should really start looking into your childhood. I think it will be really insightful for me and helpful for you," Dr Jeong smiled, a fake sort of smile that showed more concern than anything.
"I'm not crazy, Dr Jeong," I repeated as I walked towards the door.
"I never said that you were, Miss Mae. Take care of yourself, okay?"
"Mmhm," I answered before walking out of his office.
Why did that feel so exposing? I felt vulnerable like someone had jumped into the deepest darkest corners of my mind. My voices weren't dangerous... They never put me in serious danger, everything I'd ever done has been my decision... Right?
Lost in thought, I left the building and stood by the side of the road trying to even out my thoughts.
"Nova?" A voice called out from in front of me, making me jump.
I recognised the voice instantly. I would never forget it, no matter how much I hated him right now.
"Jungkook?" I whispered, wondering why he was here.
"You asked me to pick you up last time... I know these things are hard for you, so I wanted to be here waiting when you came out..." He said softly, raking his fingers through his short hair and blinking innocently with his sparkly doe eyes.
I was feeling super conflicted, that I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream and hit him, I wanted to punch him over and over again until he apologised, but at the same time, I just needed a hug. I wanted somebody to be there for me and the only person that knew I was going to these appointments was Jungkook.
Don't! Don't do it! I urged myself, trying to stop myself from doing what I was going to do next.
Putting all of my hatred towards him to the back of my head, I ran forwards and pressed my head against his chest. It was the comfort I needed for the time being... It wasn't the same as- never mind-but it was enough to clear my head a little bit.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered into my hair, making my body warm to his touch.
"Please take me home."
***
NAMJOON
The phone rang, right on time. My last plan had worked perfectly, both Nova and Jungkook had fallen into my trap. Jin had told us what happened with the two of them and how it looked like Nova wasn't going to forgive him this time.
A girl can only take so much heartbreak, I guess. Bringing back Jungkook's girlfriend was a risky move and I wasn't expecting her to be on my side after everything I put her through, but money fixes everything.
"Please tell me this week's session was better than last weeks!" I sighed down the phone to Ji-ho.
"Be patient bro, I think you'll be more than happy with what I found out," he replied, sounding sort of cocky.
This better be good.
"Go on..." I encouraged, trying to hold back my excitement.
"Well... She shows all of the signs, I sort of suspected it from the beginning. The anxiety, the extreme emotional attachments, fear of abandonment, mood swings, fits of rage... She has so many more symptoms. Namjoon I'm positive she has BPD."
"BPD?" I repeated, confused. "I'm not a doctor, what's BPD?"
"Borderline Personality Disorder."
***
What do you guys think? Did you guess it?
Nova has BPD, if you think back through the story, it's quote obvious now that you think about it. I did my research on the disorder before including it, some of you were smart thinking Bipolar. BPD can be similar to Schizophrenia, they often coexist with each other.
More will be explained in the next chapter so stay tuned!
Also that fight with Sana and Nova... Aish. What do you think about that?
Lot's of love!
I really gotta get Tae back into this, but I'm struggling because Tae found his peace with Nova back when he told her he was the one that saved her. I don't want to ruin that ahhhh.