THERE WAS BREAKFAST waiting for me when I woke. Fresh eggs, mixed berries, and a toasted slice of homemade wheat bread with apple butter spread.
And that spread might have been the only thing to coax me out of bed this morning.
There had been a lot of bad days in the past weeks, where the nausea was so bad I would stay in bed all day with a bucket nearby. On those days, Parker would stay in bed with me, rub my back, read softly to me, leaving only long enough to bring meals up to our room.
Thankfully, I hadn't had a bad day for over a week; the nausea had seemed to all but vanish –a turn of events that I couldn't be happier about.
So, no. Getting out of bed this morning wasn't so taxing because it was a bad day, but because I knew it was going to be a hard day. It seemed Parker knew that too, because he was extra patient, his voice and his touches somehow more comforting than usual.
We'd been doing a good job of being grateful for every moment, of accepting the situation we were in, but at this point, it still didn't feel real. It would get harder once there was more proof that this was actually happening. Once my stomach began to round out, once we could feel the baby's movements, once we saw the image on the screen and heard the heartbeat during the ultrasound we had scheduled with Shepard today.
Once it felt really real.
I could tell that Parker was excited –I'd be lying if there wasn't a part of me that was excited too- but the fear and helplessness of uncertainty drowned it out mostly.
It was hard to be accepting when I knew there could be a solution out there somewhere.
But when we went to visit Shepard and the image of our baby came up on that screen, its little heart pumping away and its little legs kicking ferociously, all of the bitterness washed away. I remembered what Hannah had told me and I finally understood. This pregnancy, every second spent with this baby... it was worth it. No matter what came after.
I felt Parker's hand squeeze mine tighter and I turned to see him smiling at the screen, a tear slipping from the corner of his eye. I could see it all there –all the same things I was feeling. The fear, the heartache, the determination. But more pronounced was the indisputable joy. It literally sparkled in his eyes.
His gaze moved to me then and his smile grew broader. And when he brought my hand to his mouth to place a kiss against my knuckles, I felt his lips trembling with emotion. Then he just held my hand against his face with both hands, cradled it there, and nodded to me.
I found myself questioning again: who needed words? Words were clumsy things, never really expressing exactly what it was you needed to say.
But this? His eyes? It was the only language I needed, and it was ours and our alone.
Then he turned his attention to Shepard. "When can we find out the gender?"
"Is that something you want to know?" she asked, glancing between the two of us.
"Yes," I told her while Parker nodded.
"We'll do another ultrasound at the halfway point of your pregnancy to make sure everything is developing as it should. We should be able to tell then." After another long moment, she turned off the machine. "Alright. Well, everything looks great so far. I'll see you two in eight weeks. But if you have any questions or concerns before then, you can come see me any time."
We thanked her, wiping the dampness from our eyes, and as we walked back through the school, I let this new resolve I felt settle warmly in my chest.
I knew that we'd be okay. No matter what happened, we'd be okay. And that didn't mean I was giving up. There was no giving up when it came to this baby. We'd do everything we could, but now I finally had the acceptance I knew I'd need if everything we could just wasn't enough.
...
It was two weeks later the first time we noticed it.
I had just made my way out of bed and was in the process of putting a clean shirt on. I'd only managed to get my arms through the sleeves when Parker's voice caused me to pause.
"Hold on. Wait," he said, and I turned to see him staring at me with a furrowed brow. "Come here."
I paced over to him to where he sat on the edge of the bed and raised an eyebrow at him. "Is there something I can help you with?"
I expected him to run his fingers along my bare thighs or pull me in and kiss my hipbone as was his wont in the mornings, but he surprised me by simply placing a hand gently against the exposed skin of my stomach.
"You're starting to show," he whispered up to me, his eyes filled with a tenderness that made my heart expand in my chest.
"That wasn't there last night," I said.
It wasn't much of a bump –so subtle that no one else would have noticed- but it was there. I put my hand over his and smiled down at him as he leaned in to press a soft kiss to my skin.
"I'm going to get fat, you know."
He scoffed and rolled his eyes with a grin. "You're not going to get fat-"
"Oh, yes I am," I disagreed playfully. "I'm going to blow up like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!"
That made him laugh, and my heart sang as I listened to the sound.
"You're going to gain weight," he continued after recuperating, "which is exactly what you're supposed to do."
"Pfft. Like you would know."
"That book Hannah gave you is very informational." He shrugged, then took my hips in his hands and pushed gently with a soft excuse me so that I took a few steps back, giving him space to stand up. "Speaking of which, did you know the baby is roughly the size of a lemon this week?"
"You've been reading that?" I asked, watching as he pulled some clothes on.
"Of course I have. I want to know what to expect when you're expecting," he said with a wink.
I pursed my lips in attempts to hide my grin. "A lemon, eh?"
"Yup," he said, fasting his holster around his hips. "Also, frowning, grimacing, squinting. All that's starting to happen this week, too."
"Oh. Well, it's good to know that someone knows what's going on in there."
He paced back over to me, wrapped an arm around my waist to pull me closer, and when he kissed my temple, I could feel the smile on his lips.
"Get dressed," he chuckled. "Let's get some breakfast before we head out."
...
There had been nothing but silence from the Zone since our last visit. Not a single thing of note on any of their radius checks. After speaking with Charlotte, we decided it best to begin our own radius checks around the school; more eyes on more land was always better.
To everyone's surprise, Spencer had quickly volunteered to be a regular on these expeditions as soon as they were suggested. He'd even sometimes leave on his own and be gone for hours.
Maybe he was just sick of being behind the school's walls. It wouldn't surprise me. Whatever reputation he'd had before we arrived had quickly diminished after the events in the elementary last fall. He'd been quiet and secluded, keeping his distance from most everyone –something I didn't mind at all.
His demeanor had changed, too. He was less hostile and cocky, and more... reserved. Maybe even a little timid?
Regardless of what he did or how he did it, he just didn't sit right with me or Parker. Maybe we were biased, but I didn't care.
And so I was not the least bit happy to be in the same car as him, on our way to some mystery location of his knowledge.
It had been last night, after one of his solo excursions that he went to Charlotte with the news that he had a lead. The two of them had talked in length before she brought it to me and Parker's attention. And while we hadn't been entirely comfortable with the situation –we'd probably never be comfortable going anywhere with Spencer- it was a lead to George, and we had to take it.
It seemed Charlotte could sense our hesitation, and suggested we take a couple others with us. Lance and Xavier had been happy to help, if not keep an eye on Spencer.
There was a lot to worry about, bust mostly I was just trying not to get my hopes up about today. And still, the fear of finding George and the thrill of finally getting a cure were at battle in my mind. So instead of trying to sort through that whole mess, I just watched out the window as the jeep flew across pavement.
For as harsh as the winter had started off, it had tapered off rather quickly. The grass had seemed to turn to green overnight the first day of April, and while the soft drizzle of rain made it a chilly day for May, I was thankful that the only extra layer I had to wear was a jacket. But we'd been driving for a while now, and with the five of us, my jacket, and the heat on, it was getting a bit balmy.
"Can we turn the heat off?" I asked from the back seat.
"Yeah," Xavier agreed, leaning forward in the passenger seat. "It is kinda hot."
Lance huffed, hands on the wheel. "Sure. Fine. Go ahead. Bunch of warm blooded pansies."
"We can't all be..." Xavier waved his hands around animatedly while he searched for the right word, "lizards like you."
He frowned. "A lizard? Really?"
"Yeah. 'Cause, you know, you don't like the cold?"
"Fair enough," he said with an acquiescing shrug. "So what does that make you guys then?"
"Me?" Xavier shimmied his shoulders, gave us a smoldering look. "I'm a tiger."
Everyone but Spencer immediately burst out in laughter.
"So that's funny, is it? Come on, I'm totally a tiger!"
Lance gave him a patronizing pat on the shoulder. "Sure you are, bud."
"So you're a tiger," Parker said, leaning forward slightly. "Alright. What are we?"
"You're... you're a bear," he decided after thinking a moment. And while that put a furrow in Parker's brow, Xavier turned to me. "You're a seal."
Hm. Not sure how he came to that conclusion so quickly.
"And you," he glanced at Spencer who didn't seem to be paying attention. "You're... I don't know. A mole or something."
Spencer's eyes snapped to Xavier, but he was already turning back around to look out the windshield again with a sneaky little smile.
Someone must not have liked their animal comparison. And to be honest, I didn't really know how to feel about mine either.
"Care to elaborate?" Parker pressed.
Xavier crossed his arms over his chest and settled into the seat. "Nope. I'll leave you to think about it."
"Alright, mystery man, quiet down. We're getting close." Lance glanced at Spencer in the rear view mirror. "Anything we should be aware of?"
He shook his head. "Just the Infected."
But as we neared the location on the map, the place looked barren.
"Ferals must have cleared out," Lance noted, bringing the jeep to a stop.
"Well that's good," Xavier added. "It'll make this a helluva lot easier."
As those two went to the back hatch to grab our supplies, Parker and I checked the surrounding area.
Spencer had said that this place drew his attention because of the Feral activity –how they'd apparently been swarming the entrance, convincing him that someone must be inside. There were enough footprints in the earth, and even dead Ferals with blunt force trauma to contest to that. Someone had definitely been here. But what had made him decide that it must be George? There were tire tracks that resembled those of the SUV he'd fled the Zone in, so Spencer's story matched the evidence. It was just sad that this was literally all we were going off of. It was barely more than a scrap, but it was something –the first something since the abandoned bunker.
The building was tucked into the side of a hill, its body hidden beneath the ground, making it impossible to tell how big it was. There were no windows, but there were rusting metal letters nailed into the cement that read Municipal Water & Sewer along with a sign on the heavy door stating that only authorized personnel were allowed entry. However, the electricity that powered the security system had long been lost, and we were able to pull the door open easily.
A musty darkness greeted us like the maw of a hungry beast, and we walked in slowly, flicking on our flashlights before the door could swing shut and the darkness could swallow us.
Inside were cement walls and floors, lockers lining a wall to the left with a few benches in front of them, and a large sign with a long list of warnings and safety measures.
"Is this the only exit?" Parker asked, his low voice loud in the stillness.
"I have no idea what the layout is like," Spencer answered.
This wasn't a good idea -being here in the dark with no idea what to expect. We barely even had a plan A let alone a plan B in case things went to shit. Parker must have felt the same, because as the others began further into the room, he stepped half way in front of me and leaned in close.
"Stay close to me."
"You stay close to me," I whispered back to him.
"I'm not going anywhere," he said with a tiny grin before nudging me forward.