Time passed slowly.
Being alone was harder than I thought. I was okay before, before they were both engraved into my daily routine. It was more than that, I was completely consumed in everything about them.
I didn't know how to be okay and alone at the same time.
It was different than before. I've grown used to being spoiled with attention, their attention. I didn't have to worry when I looked at my phone, I knew there would be a text waiting. If I left my room, Kyler would always be there, as if he were waiting for me. If I wanted to see Rylan, we would meet halfway.
I couldn't do that right now and I didn't feel okay.
I felt empty and anxious and sad all at once.
I wanted to see them but they were on a date without me. Telling myself they needed time for themselves only helped so much. Because while I knew they did, I was selfish and have grown too dependent on them.
It's only been two hours since Kyler left to pick Rylan up. Rylan texted me a picture of them together an hour ago but that's it. They're busy, I thought, and I'm supposed to be busy too.
I tried texting Rylan about how my night was going but after I typed out the lie, I quickly deleted it. I didn't want to lie anymore, hopefully he'll just think I'm busy.
Two hours later and I was just growing more anxious. There was no explanation for my anxiety, all I knew was that it was slowly consuming me.
I cleaned for a while. And not just a light sweep of each room, no- I brought out all the cleaning supplies and pulled a pair of gloves on. Mom would be proud.
She always used to scold how I cleaned. With a click of her tongue, she'd take whatever I was holding and clean whatever I just had. And somehow, it always looked better. A momma's touch, she would say.
Sammy cleaned with me. Every room I went to, he followed and laid down until it was time to move to the next room. He sleeps a lot, I felt jealous, I'm tired too.
Our apartment was usually pretty clean, but we never set days aside to deep clean like this. I wanted a distraction, something to keep my mind off Kyler and Rylan. A smaller part of me did it so Kyler would praise me and give me a few minutes of extra attention.
Unlike at home, I didn't burn out halfway and want to stop. I continued on and looked for other things to clean just as I thought I ran out. He'll be happy if I do this, I thought as I scrubbed the kitchen floor, and he'll like me more.
Sammy sneezed from the chemicals.
Lucas wasn't home so I was completely alone, save for Sammy. I wouldn't have even minded his company. Earlier, I silently hoped he didn't have work but it turned out he did. An adults life.
I cleaned for another hour and by then, I was just wasting products by cleaning the same things over and over. Everything was spotless besides Lucas' room, I didn't dare go in there.
I somewhat cleaned Kyler's, knowing he wouldn't mind, but I held off on deep cleaning.
Currently, I was waiting for the laundry to get done so I could put another load in. I wonder if I'm being an adult right now. Sammy and I both sat in the laundry room for no other reason than exhaustion. After putting one load in, I couldn't bring myself to walk all the way to the couch and sit down.
So the floor it was. It was cold and smelled like bleach.
My head tipped back against the washing machine. It vibrated and made my ears twitch. Still, I didn't pull away.
The air vents were dirty and if I had the proper items to replace and clean it, I would've. But I didn't, so I closed my eyes and let myself feel the exhaustion I've been ignoring.
I'm tired. I've been tired every day, no matter how much I sleep. To be fair, it wasn't much so that was probably why. I thought my sleepless nights would gradually fade after I told them about Naomi.
Somehow, it's gotten worse. I don't sleep much, five hours max. Usually it's enough but today felt longer, and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep so I didn't try.
Kyler's probably going to stay at Rylan's place. The realization left me upset. Because he thinks I'm not home. Suddenly, I felt a lot more tired. All the cleaning I just did felt useless. He would praise me tomorrow, or whenever he got home, but I wanted him home tonight.
The washing machine sang that it was done but the dryer was still going so I stayed put.
Would I have to feel this way until he got home? My throat suddenly felt raw and it grew hard to swallow. And every other time he- they leave?
I didn't like it, I hated feeling this way. I wanted to go back to before when I was okay with being by myself- but somehow still have them in my life. I wanted to go back to when I could sculpt without thinking of anything but that- when it was something that made me happy.
I felt happy when I used to sculpt. Now I just used it as a distraction- something to keep my mind off Kyler and Rylan.
Sammy sneezed again. I petted his back.
I hated being tired all the time and constantly counting down the hours until I could see them. Five more hours and I won't be alone. Two more hours and Rylan will pick me up. Three more hours and Kyler will be home. I didn't realize how much I did that until now.
Right now, I felt helpless. I couldn't count because I didn't know when Kyler would be home. If I asked him, he would worry. I didn't want to worry him.
When's the last time I facetimed Harrison? It used to be every day- three times a day, but now it's dwindled into nothing. He reaches out and I respond only because I have to.
I immediately felt guilt pull at my stomach. I only asked him to hang out because I didn't want to be alone, not because I genuinely wanted to see him.
Remembering how often we would see each other left me sad. His boyfriends even started feeling like my own friends but I haven't seen them in weeks. Am I that type of person? The type to forget everything else when he likes someone?
Has he noticed we aren't as close?
I pulled out my phone and texted him. It was a simple how's work. It didn't make me feel better, because that felt forced too. He didn't respond and I didn't expect him to, he's busy. Everyone is busy right now expect me.
Sammy sneezed again and I decided to finish the laundry later. "Come on." I called softly and watched him perk.
In the hallway, my steps faltered. Kyler's door was left open from when I cleaned, just in case Sammy wanted to sleep in there. He wouldn't be mad, I still hesitated, just for tonight.
Sammy followed me, suddenly excited, into Kyler's room. His disappointment showed when he saw Kyler wasn't actually in there. He sniffed around and nudged the pillows around, as if Kyler was somehow hiding.
"He's not here." I told him. He continued to sniff around. "He left." A frowned tugged at my lips when he kept looking around but there was nothing I could do so I left him to it.
As I turned to change, my eyes caught on his mirror.
It was large and took up a good portion of his wall. An adult mirror. Mine was five dollars from Walmart.
It might've been from how expensive it was or maybe I just actually looked that exhausted, but either way, I didn't like it. My frown stared back at me and it only made me frown more.
I looked as tired as I felt, if not more. There were dark circles under my eyes, dark circles that usually weren't that bad. They were always there but these were different.
Have I lost weight? The longer I stared, the more things I picked out that upset me. Kyler would've told me if I had, right? I'm probably just imagining it.
Is this what I look like to them? No, I hoped, just when I'm alone. I smile when I'm with them because I feel happy. I laugh, and smile, and blush- but I don't frown.
I looked away and grabbed one of Kyler's shirts. When I changed, I turned away from the mirror, not wanting to know if I've actually lost weight. Because I probably have.
It smelled like him but didn't calm me like it normally would. I just missed them more.
Do I really only smile when I'm with them? I couldn't remember the last time I was by myself and genuinely felt happy- or at least content. Am I not happy?
Mom used to say all the time that I was one of the happiest kids she's ever seen. You always smile, she said. It could light up a whole room, and that itself would make me smile more.
I didn't feel like smiling right now. I feel happy when I'm with them, isn't that enough? Deep down, I knew it wasn't.
Because I missed when I enjoyed time by myself. When I could spend days upon days locked in my room doing whatever. It didn't matter what I did, I just liked my life as it was.
I felt scared when I was alone now. I felt so alone and sad.
When did I start feeling like this? I wanted to blame Naomi and everything she did but it didn't feel right. She made me feel so many things I'll never forget, even now I feel them, but she didn't make me feel this alone when she dropped me.
I eventually bounced back when I was in therapy and felt happy again. I was making friends, I had friends, I was going to school, selling my artwork- I was just happy, even after everything that happened.
So then it started a couple months ago.
After turning the light off, I felt around for Kyler's bed and avoided stepping on Sammy.
I met Rylan a few months ago. I realized I liked Kyler a couple months ago.
I still have friends but I don't talk to them. There was no artwork to sell because I wasn't making it. I still go to school, I do my work, but it's not the same. I still sat with Harrison but we didn't talk as much. I didn't talk to the girls at all anymore.
Because they're Harrison's friends first. I wouldn't want to be around them by myself anyways. I still missed them though.
I didn't want to think about Rylan and Kyler anymore. If I kept thinking about them, I would eventually come to the conclusion that I'm not happy and I didn't want to admit that.
They make me feel happy but I'm just not happy. It was an upsetting revelation, one that left me uncomfortable in my own skin. They're everything I could want, why am I not happy?
I have two boyfriends- that's two people to like me. That's all I've ever wanted but somehow, I didn't feel happy.
Stop thinking about it. It was making my chest rise too fast and my breath quicken. I forced myself to calm down and reached for my phone. You're fine.
It was stupid and in a few hours when I couldn't sleep, I'd wonder why I even looked it up. But right now, I felt desperate to stop this panicky feeling that had my chest tightening. How to stop thinking about your boyfriend?
Google surprisingly had a lot of solutions.
Take a walk, try to sleep, set your phone aside and connect with yourself, try something you're passionate about, bake. There were a lot of solutions that I didn't find helpful. I'd find a way to think about them.
Clicking onto a different website, my eyes read the title. It was a post from reddit and had almost a hundred responses.
It wasn't what I expected or wanted to read.
Okay, so I was hesitant to do this but really don't know what to do anymore! I'm hoping someone else has maybe gone through this and can help me.
So my boyfriend and I have been together for three years (we're coming up on our fourth soon) and we live together. I love him so much, I really do, but he does things that drive me crazy sometimes. He wasn't always like this, it started happening much later in our relationship.
I feel bad saying this, but it's like he's so insecure. Or, like, insecure about our relationship! I don't know how to explain it without him coming across as /: but I really need help.
Lately it's like he can't function without me. He freaks out when I have to go to work or even just shopping. He goes with me everywhere, literally everywhere. Even when I go to the bathroom he follows me. I didn't mind at first but it's slowly driving me crazy!
I asked him why and he just says he misses me. He constantly asks me if I still love him and if I ever think about leaving him. Before anyone asks, I've given him no reason to think this. We're always together so I'm not sure why!
I just want some time to myself but he goes full blown panic attack when we're not together. I love him so much but it's too much for me sometimes :( I want to get him back to normal but I feel like I've tried everything. I suggested maybe going to therapy and he flipped out on me.
He asks where I'm going every time I leave the house and even recently he's been telling me not go places :( He's getting pretty controlling and I'm not scared but I am scared that he might get more aggressive as time goes on.
When I'm not around, he'll do nothing too. It's like he's not even a person if I'm not with him. It makes me so sad to see him in the same spot when I left for work as when I get back.
If anyone has any suggestions I'd really love to hear them. I love him so much and want to make it work :(
I read it once, and then went back and skimmed it a second time. Finally, I just stared at my screen.
It's like he's not even a person if I'm not with him. It repeated in my head a few times until only silence lingered.
I shouldn't read the responses, I thought.
My thumb swiped down and read some of the first one.
Hey, girl! I'm so sorry to hear that and you might not like what I have to say but I think I need to.
If your entire being affects how he feels/what he does/and his emotions- that's a red flag. He needs to be okay with you not there 24/7, it's not healthy. The rest of the reply was telling her what to do.
I read almost every reply for the next hour. Sammy snorted softly next to me.
The first and most popular reply had many of its own, most agreeing with her, some disagreeing.
I didn't know what to feel.
Our date went well, better than expected.
I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't ice shaking. It turns out, we both didn't know how. Still, it was fun.
Some little brat that couldn't have been older than five laughed at us. I wanted to tell her to fuck off, and that we're trying our best, but if I saw two grown men gripping the wall in the kids rink, I'd laugh too.
Every time the little shit came around, she didn't hesitate to smirk and do some little trick that we didn't know. But because she was barely five, I had to act like an adult and throw her a thumbs up. If it was sarcastic, she didn't know.
"They're out lapping us, babe." Kyler was gripping the wall just like me as another kid passed us.
The ice was homophobic, I was sure of it.
After almost being taken out by some baby with a chair, I decided to go get a drink. "I'll be right back." I told him. "Stay here."
"You don't want me to come with?"
"No, no. I'll be right back."
He nodded and waited off to the entrance while I shimmied my way off the ice. I was just happy I didn't have to crawl.
Forgoing my drink, I carried my skates over to where we rented them and watched as the employee perked up, ready to help. "What's up?" She asked me.
I leaned forward, trying to make it as secretive as possible. She smiled and did the same. "How do I skate?" I whispered.
Her smile was all braces and showed how young she was, probably still in high school. She laughed and leaned back. "Skate? It's not too hard once you get used to it, but you gotta let go of the wall." She tried hiding her smile but it was evident. "I saw you earlier with your friend."
"Ah," I groaned, "so you saw that little kid ram a chair into my leg."
"I saw you almost fall, yeah."
"Great." I chuckled. "Any suggestions how to fix that~ I can't roller skate either."
"Um, I'm not really the best teacher." She admitted sheepishly. "But your friend comes here with these group of guys sometimes, he can teach you."
My eyebrows raised. "He does?" I subtly waved in Kyler's direction. "That guy?"
One look over my shoulder showed him holding a little girl's hand as she stepped onto the ice. She wobbled until he steadied her. Her smile was all teeth, even the missing two.
"The tall one? Yeah, he's pretty good."
Mother fucker- "Thank you~ I'll ask him."
Once I was close enough to the rink, I leaned over the wall and pulled his shirt. "Kyler~" He turned and my stomach almost clenched when a smile grew on his lips, happy to see me. "You ass." I lightly punched him in the stomach. It was more of a tap. "Why didn't you tell me you could skate?"
His eyes drifted over to the skates girl who was watching us very unsubtly. "I didn't say I couldn't. You were just so bad so then I had to be bad too."
I pulled on the edge of his shirt. "Teach me."
He rounded the corner and stepped off the ice. "I charge a fee."
"What kind?" He eyed me for a few seconds, longer than what was appropriate while standing by the kids rink. Still, my stomach warmed. "If I can skate without holding the edge, then I'll pay you your worth."
He chuckled and led me over to the adults rink. "My worth, huh? I'll try my best." After my skates were tied once again, he held my waist and helped me onto the ice. "You're kind of a lost cause, though."
"All I'm hearing is that you're a bad teacher."
When I went to grab the ledge, he took my hand instead. "Just skate."
"Yeah, you're a really bad teacher."
"I'm serious." He laughed softly and held my waist from behind. "If you keep holding onto the ledge then you're gonna be too dependent on it."
"I'm gonna fall." I told him, already feeling my knees shake.
"You might."
My hands clenched around nothing and that itself was a problem. The wall was my safe haven and he took it away from me. "If I do, then we both have to. I can't be the only one to embarrass myself."
"Alright." He agreed. "If you get taken out, I'll fall with you."
I could kiss him. What a man.
The adults were surprisingly not as judgmental as the little kids were and I wish we had started out in here. We went ignored besides a stare or two. Other people, just like me, were struggling too. Others weren't.
Kyler was in front of me now, hands out while trying to coax me forward. "Come on~ Skate to daddy."
"I would turn around if I could."
He laughed and gripped my fingers when I was close enough. Pulling me forward, I couldn't stop his embrace even I wanted. I gently ran into his chest as his hands steadied my waist.
"See?" His voice was soft next to my ear. "It's not too hard."
My lip caught between my teeth as he pulled back. He held one of my hands and I wasn't sure if it was for balance or not. For my own selfish reasons, I'm gonna think it wasn't. "I still like the wall more."
Eventually, after we'd done some more practice, I could skate slowly by his side. I didn't need him to hold my hand anymore but neither of us let go. "Uh oh~" I glanced at him with a playful expression. "The homophobes are staring."
"Where?" He looked around until he caught an older couple staring at us distastefully. Yeah, I didn't fucking like you either. "Aw, they're kind of cute."
"When you get past all the wrinkles and scowls, maybe a little." And they were, a little. Maybe if they weren't scowling at us, I would've thought them holding hands was cuter. But since they were, I silently looked for the kid with the chair. He'll deal with them.
Kyler wrapped his arm around my waist and skated behind me when we passed them. I silently laughed and gripped his arm. "They're cursing us in their head."
"Oh definitely. Probably wishing us a bumpy path to hell as we speak." He told me.
We didn't stay for much longer, not because of the homophones, but because we were hungry. "That was fun." I ruffled my hair, shaking any snow out, before I got into his car. "Thanks."
"I really thought you were gonna fall." He reached over and patted my thigh. "Good job." His hand stayed there for the entire car ride.
"You're not the worst teacher, even if you laughed at me the whole time."
"I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing with you. There's a difference."
"Oh yes, what guy would laugh at their boyfriend as they struggled to not fall on their ass?"
"A bad one." He nodded with a tsk.
After we arrived and he parked, I pulled out my phone. "Chet wants a picture." It took me three separate tries to make him give an actual smile but eventually he did. I sent Chet the picture, along with the other failed ones, and asked how his night was.
Pocketing my phone, I held his hand as we walked to the entrance. "You've never had Korean barbecue?"
"No." He shook his head after we were seated. He sat across from me. "I didn't even know there was one this close."
"I come here with my friends sometimes." I thought about it, "They're Korean too, though."
Kyler paid for ice skating so I paid for dinner. It was an equal exchange and I was grateful he didn't try to pay for everything. I knew he would've but I felt better when it was split equally.
I ordered for us, in Korean of course, and our food quickly arrived. As he stared at the raw beef, I could really tell it was his first time. "I'll cook it." I assured him, somewhat amused from his lost expression.
Between us sat a mini grilling tablet for us to cook everything on. I started by cutting the meat into small pieces and then laid as many of them out as I could. "How do you like it done?" I asked.
"Whatever you like."
After the vegetables and some meat got done grilling, I put some on a plate for him and then filled my own.
When he hesitated with his chopsticks, I gazed at him questionably. "What's up?"
"Nothing." He dismissed and went to pick up a piece of meat. A few seconds later, it fell from his chopsticks and back onto the plate.
We both stared at it for three long seconds. Finally, my lips twitched up. He's cute. "Like this." I showed him how to grip the chopsticks. He didn't get the hang of it even after the third try. "This feels right. I can't skate and you can't use chopsticks~"
"I feel like one is worse than the other."
I hummed softly while making him a wrap. "I know. Everyone should know how to use chopsticks." I showed him how to make a wrap with the lettuce and he did that instead.
I offered to ask for a fork but he waved me off. "This tastes good."
Silently, I felt relieved. I wasn't sure if he would shy away from the meat since it wasn't what American's usually ate but he ate and ate, and it made me happy.
Before I could ask why he was spending so much time on this one specific wrap, "Here." Just like I did for him, he made me a lettuce wrap. He held it out for me to take and I did with a small smile.
It was mostly meat but it tasted good nonetheless. I let him know and he seemed pleased with himself. Cute.
"Did Chet answer your text?"
"Not yet." I added some more vegetables to the grill. "He's probably busy with his friend." We haven't talked about it so I silently wondered if Kyler was staying the night. Chet wasn't at home so I was hoping he was. Just to be sure, "Do you wanna stay the night at my place?"
No hesitation as he nodded, "Yeah, of course."
By the end of the night, he still didn't know how to use chopsticks so I'd say I won the nonexistent bet between us.
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hey besties 🧎 i'm going to reply to comments right now i promise 🏃🏽♀️💨 i really appreciate them so thank u
okay bye ily,
maddie.