I knew I was lacking love for myself when I expected people to recognise my hurting and make it a priority to save me. I needed to save me.
- Mia
"Daisy?" I called for the house elf. I didn't usually call for her when it came to such matters, I didn't request her often in general, but I had barely spoken to my mother and I'd like to get through the night without an awkward conversation with her.
"Yes, Miss Selwyn?" she asked as she appeared in the doorway to my room.
"Could you please help me tighten my dress? I can't reach it properly", I said.
"Certainly, Miss Selwyn", she said. I kneeled down so she could reach the back of my dress and sucked in again. The elf gently pulled on the ribbons.
"You can pull them tighter, as tight as you can, actually", I chuckled at how careful she was being.
"Daisy doesn't want to hurt Miss Selwyn", she said quietly.
"Don't worry, Daisy, I'm used to it", I said. I was quite used to it and I didn't mind corset dresses that much. They were highly uncomfortable, yes, but they made me look stunning.
"Come on", I encouraged her. "Three, two, one." I sucked in again and Daisy now pulled on the ribbons much tighter, securing the corset.
"Thank you so much, Daisy", I said, taking the ribbons from her and carefully tying them in a knot, hiding the excess behind the body.
"It's no problem at all, Miss Selwyn", she said and skipped away. Daisy wasn't around often as my mother let her do all kinds of errands, but I quite liked her. She was very innocent, so pure.
I stood up slowly, as swift moves were no longer possible and straightened my dress. I had put some of my hair up with some pearl pins and curled the rest of it. I wore some silver jewellery I had gotten from Narcissa a couple years ago and the heels we had bought in Diagon Alley.
I knew Draco was going to be there tonight, and he'd sure regret his actions of the past months once he'd see me in this attire.
"Come on, Eleanor, we're almost late", my mother said when she passed my room. I quickly put on some perfume and followed her out.
Usually my dad would wait at the bottom of the staircase, following my every step as I walked down. He'd tell me how proud of me he was and what a beautiful daughter he had. He wasn't there this year. I didn't always get along with my father, but every year he took the time to tell me that he was proud of me.
This year no one would tell me how pretty I look and how proud they are, certainly not my mother.
DRACO'S POV
I checked the entrance for the hundredth time, but she still wasn't here. I didn't quite know if I was looking forward to it or if I was dreading it. I usually enjoyed seeing her, but that's exactly why I also dreaded it this year. I'd have to put up my best act again and I didn't feel like doing so anymore. I wanted to be the one she arrived with, I wanted to get her a drink and ask her to dance and I wanted to tell her genuinely that she looked absolutely beautiful.
And it was frustrating that I couldn't.
"Draco, you're slouching again", my mother said softly. I straightened my back, trying to focus on the conversation at hand. My mother was talking to Theo's father, but he himself had gone off with some random girl I didn't know.
"Look, there is the Greengrass family", mum said. I looked at the entrance to see Daphne walk in with her parents and sister. Her arm was hooked linked with a boy I vaguely recognised. He seemed about our age, maybe a little older, but I couldn't remember him attending Hogwarts.
"Oh, that's Felix Rosier", mum said, noticing my gaze. "I didn't know Daphne and him were acquainted", she shrugged. Daphne was beaming, clearly enjoying the extra attention her arm candy was providing. Her sister next to her seemed to be enjoying it way less. I didn't know her very well, but I knew that the two sisters didn't get along at all.
I watched as they walked off, and then my eyes went back to the entrance.
It still took a few minutes before she arrived, but I spotted her right away. She stood out, but not in a bad way. In fact, she stood out in the most wonderful way possible.
Her dress was blue. Not the navy blue that blended into the frequently occuring black, but light blue, or purple maybe, I couldn't really tell. It was like the colour of the sky right after sunset, the colour of the small flowers that sprouted in the woods near my house.
And I knew that everyone stopped to stare for a little while. To just admire the beauty that she carried with her in every step. She stood out, like a wildflower between dozens of roses.
"You're staring, Draco", my mother whispered, very softly. I couldn't help it. I couldn't not look at her. She was so incredibly perfect.
"I know", I said. I savoured the image for a little while longer, trying to save it into my mind forever, before looking away. There weren't too many people I had to look out for tonight, but still, I had to be more careful.
My mother put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it slightly. She knew. She knew that I was hurting.
ELEANOR'S POV
"Lea, how are you?" Daphne chimed as she pulled me into a hug. "You look so stunning, honestly!"
"You look incredible yourself", I smiled, glady accepting her hug. It was nice to experience some kind of affection after days of cold behaviour.
"Oh, I want to introduce you to Felix", she said, winking, secretly before turning around to her date.
"Felix, this is my best friend, Eleanor Selwyn. Lea, this is Felix Rosier", she said.
"Pleasure to meet you", I smiled, shaking his hand.
"Likewise." Daphne was beaming, and rightly so. Felix was a very handsome man with dark hair and strong facial features. He had a very slight accent, presumable French. He was a year or two older than us, but we had never been acquainted before.
"How has your Christmas break been so far?" Daphne asked. Dreadful, horrid, terrifying, grim, dire, awful, appalling.
"Quite alright, nothing worth mentioning", I shrugged. I didn't know this Felix guy, so I had to watch my words.
"Would you girls like a drink?" Felix offered.
"That'd be nice, thank you", Daphne said and it pleased me to see her this happy. It had been quite a while since I had seen that look on her face.
"Isn't he an absolute catch?" she grinned as he was out of hearing distance.
"I have to say, I'm impressed. Can your mother pick out someone like that for me too?" I chuckled.
"Oh please, you and Draco are getting married one day", Daphne shrugged. I quickly looked around to see if anyone had heard, but everyone was too caught up in their own world. My eyes landed on Draco shortly. I had noticed him right as I had walked in, of course, but I couldn't help but glance at him every once in a while, very carefully.
He wore a black shirt, buttoned up all the way, with a very elegant and form-fitting black suit over top. He still looked slightly sick and far too skinny, but he would never not be handsome.
"I'm not so sure about that anymore", I shrugged. It just seemed so unlikely to work out. Even if he for some reason decided to stop shutting me out and we made up, what would happen over the summer? Another two months of acting like I hated him? And then back at Hogwarts, just to do it all over again? I didn't want that, I just wanted him.
"There you go, ladies", Felix said as he handed us both a glass of champagne. I smiled shortly, before scanning the room again. And then I saw him, Adrian Pucey.
He was staring right at me, an emotionless expression on his face. I hadn't seen him since his last day at Hogwarts. I didn't mind that one bit, but I did wonder what had become of him. I wouldn't go and ask him, never in a million years, I just wondered.
"Daphne, would you like to dance?" Felix asked as some couples started to engage in some classy waltz. When we were younger, Daphne and I used to join them too, waltzing together, but as we got older, these Ministry parties were most often just small-talk for hours on end, until we found a moment to sneak away to the terrace.
"Oh, uhm, I don't want to leave Eleanor alone", Daphne said. I looked up at the mention of my name.
"Oh, please, don't stay here for me, I'll be fine", I said. I knew she wanted to dance with Felix and even though it was nice of her to keep me into account, there was no need.
"No, you told me how dreadful it was last year. I want you to enjoy yourself too", Daphne persisted. I sighed, not wanting to be that awkward third wheel.
"Then I guess I have to find a dance partner myself", I shrugged, looking around. The last thing I wanted to do was to dance with a random bloke, but it was much better than standing around awkwardly.
"Don't make it too obvious, because I think Pucey would love to ask you to dance", Daphne chuckled. I looked in his direction again and he was still staring at me. I threw him a death glare, but that probably wouldn't hold him off.
"I have a nephew who would love to dance with you. He's a year younger than you, but a nice enough boy", Felix said, pointing at a boy standing next to Felix's and Daphne's parents. I had never seen him before, but it was better to be seen with a Rosier than with someone like Pucey, Crabbe or Goyle. Felix was already on his way to his nephew before I could reply.
"Just tell me if you don't want to, we can get out of here", Daphne whispered.
"It's fine", I sighed. "Who knows, it might be fun." Felix's nephew seemed strangely excited as he bent down deeply to ask me to dance.
"Nathan Rosier, nice to meet you", he said as he gently took my hand and guided me to the dance floor. He had a thick French accent, which was quite attractive, but other than that and his height, he seemed like a young boy.
"Eleanor Selwyn, likewise", I said. At least he could dance.
"I know, I've 'eard a lot about you through Daphne", he said.
"Good things, I hope."
"Of course, of course, she said you were a lovely lady and it seems like that is true." I wasn't quite sure what this guy's deal was, but he seemed a little too excited to me.
"Why thank you", I said, forcing a smile to keep up the facade. I always got awkward when people were too nice straight off the bat. I prefered a little more mystery. Maybe that's why I was so attracted to Malfoy, he sure wasn't nice at first and there was a whole lot of mystery to him.
"You 'ave very pretty eyes too", he continued. I wondered if there was a girl alive who would be so stupid to fall for these tactics. Complimenting someone's eye colour as a fourth sentence? He probably thought he was the most charming man alive too.
"Thank you, again", I said, desperately avoiding eye contact. He made me uncomfortable. I endured it for a while longer, until the end of the song, but if it was up to this bloke, we'd be dancing for hours on end.
"Excuse me, I'm going to step outside for a bit. I need some fresh air", I said eventually.
"Shall I accompany you, Miss Selwyn? It's already quite dark out." It cost me the utmost effort not to roll my eyes. If I for some reason got attacked at the Ministry, I was sure that this man was not going to be any help.
"No need, I'll be fine", I said and quickly bid him goodbye before making my way around the dance floor. I always started this night with such a good feeling, in a pretty dress with high heels and sky-high confidence, but the night always ended miserably.
I climbed the steps to the terrace again and took a deep breath as I felt the cold but fresh December winds blowing through the hallway. I checked the terrace before walking out, as I was not in the mood for a one-on-one talk with Draco, but luckily it was empty.
I hadn't brought a coat as I didn't have anything suitable for this dress, but I did have a wand, so the Focillo charm would do. I took off the uncomfortable heels and made my way to the edge of the terrace. It was quite cloudy out, so I couldn't see the stars properly, but there were out there, somewhere, all the constellations.
A snowflake danced through the air, being carried by the wind. I watched as it landed on my hand, where it remained for a little while, before turning to water. I loved the snow. It was so delicate. It fascinated me how a vapour of water could turn into something so beautiful and intricate. So soft and yet so cold.
"This is where it all began, isn't it?"
I turned around surprised to see the one person (besides Adrian Pucey) that I'd rather not see tonight. I was not strong tonight, I was sad, and it wasn't good for me to be around Draco when I was sad, because it made me weak.
I turned around again, not sure what to say. I felt like everything that would come out of my mind was wrong in some way.
"I broke my head over it, wondering why I had kissed you that night", he continued. I had to be strong, there was no reason for me not to be. He could not improve my life at the moment and he didn't let me improve his.
And when I asked him if he loved me, he said no.
"Oh, so you're not denying that anymore?" I said, keeping my eyes focused on the occasional snowflake that landed on the bannister. They all melted right away, as it wasn't freezing, but they were beautiful for a short moment, before they turned to water again.
"No, of course not", he said quietly. "Ellie, can we talk, please?"
"That depends on what you want to talk about. If you're here with another excuse as to why you don't want me around, then spare yourself the effort and don't."
"It's not that", he said and he came a little closer. "I don't have much to say, so I won't keep you much longer, just listen to me, please." I felt a lump form in my throat. Hearing his voice and feeling his presence, it was more than I could handle.
"Go ahead", I said, my voice strained. He took a deep breath, as if he was carefully weighing the words before speaking them.
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry, but that you made the right decision", he said. "You deserve more than what I can give you, and it was wise of you to pull out before it got even more complicated." I took a deep breath. Was he giving up?
"At least one of us is sure of that", I said slowly. Why had I been such a fool? Why had I let myself fall in love with someone again? It always ended up in misery. I loved so few people, but it never ended well. My mother hated me, my father was in jail, I couldn't hang out with Tracey outside of Hogwarts, Adrian had played me and Draco ... Draco hurted the most of all of them. I had to hate him, or I had to die.
And it was really hard to hate someone when you loved them.
"You know it's better like this, Ellie", he said. "We have to make a decision before someone gets hurt, even though it seems like a really bad decision. You're strong, Ellie. You don't need me."
Didn't I? It was the question that kept me up at night, the reason for my doubts about my recent decisions. Did I need Draco Malfoy or could I go back to how life was before I grew fond of him. Could I go back to settle for okay when I had experienced what it felt like to be more than just okay, to be happy?
He was right that I didn't need another man to replace him. There was no man who could make me as happy as he made me, that was something I had to do by myself.
I was responsible for my own happiness, not some man. But could I do that? Would I ever let myself chase happiness again, the way I had chased Draco?
"And do you? Do you need me? You can't do this all by yourself, Draco", I said and I grabbed his hand shortly. They were cold and terrifyingly skinny.
"I have to, I'm sorry", he said and then his fingers slipped from mine as he walked away.
"Why?" I asked to stop him. I didn't want him to walk away, I wanted him to stay here. To plead with me not to leave him, so I could turn him down once again. Until one day, when he'd get through my barrier again and I'd let him in again so we could do this dance all over again.
It wasn't good, nor healthy, but at least I wasn't alone.
"Because I love you, Ellie. I love you, but you and I both know there is no future for us. You were right, we don't have a choice. I wish I could choose you, Ellie, I really do, but I can't do that without trading your life for it. And I love you too much to do that. Thank you for everything, Ellie, really, you made me a better person, but there's just no future for us without one of us getting hurt."
And then he turned around, and he was gone.
And again, just like a couple months ago, a single tear ran down my cheek.