35 weeks pregnant
two months. it's been two months since michael and i's huge fight. i haven't seen him or talked to him since. it really hurts not having him around. not just for my sake, but for luna too. she misses him so much and it hurts watching her grow up without him being here. but hey, he chose the rockstar life over his child.
the guys went back on tour about a month ago. bee only got hired to be the photographer for the second half of their tour so they've been staying with luna and i. i guess neither of us likes to be alone. so at least the house hasn't been empty between bee, luna, duke, and i running around.
"luna, please don't pull duke's tail!"
i yelled as i scooped the nearly two-year-old up off the floor. it feels so weird that she's going to be two in just four months. i finally realize why people call their children by how many months they are. it's not as hard to hear how big your child has gotten when it's just a few months. but when it comes to years, that feels like an eternity.
luna started to cry as i placed her on my hip. ever since michael left, she's been acting out more and more. i know it's because of him not being here but there's really nothing i can do to change that. he never answers my texts or calls. not even the guys can get to him. i don't know what's going to happen. maybe he'll finally admit that he never wanted to be a parent. because it's becoming pretty damn clear that he didn't want to become a father when he was 23. and now we're 25 and he still can't take fucking responsibility for his child.
"please don't cry luna. mummy is really trying here."
i said as i walked down the hall and into her room. trying to take care of a moody toddler while being 35 weeks pregnant is definitely not easy. when i first became pregnant, i thought michael would be here to help out. but I'm beginning to realize more and more that i can't depend on anyone but myself.
"why's my pretty goddaughter crying?"
bee asked as they walked into luna's room.
"she was trying to grab duke's tail and i wouldn't let her."
i said as i placed luna into her crib.
"luna! you can't grab duke's tail, buddy. that'll hurt him."
bee said as they lightly pinched luna's cheek. luna sniffled and a smile grew on her face.
"there's my favorite smile! now why don't you take a little nap?"
bee said as they handed luna her favorite stuffed animal; a tiger michael had bought her when he was on their last press tour. luna laid down and quickly fell asleep while bee and i went out to the living room.
"so, how are you doing today?"
bee asked me. what a loaded question. i wonder if anyone ever really wants to hear about your struggles and what's really going on in your head when they ask this question.
"i'm surviving. i miss michael and i know luna does too. that's why she's been acting out so much. and it's like lailia knows he isn't here either. all she does is move and kick at night. i barely get any sleep."
i said as a few stray tears fell down my cheeks. it sucks feeling like this. i just wish michael was here with us. that's all i want. i don't even need to be with him. i just want him here for luna and lailia's sake. but i don't think we're ever going to get that.
"you should've told me you didn't get any sleep. i would've watched luna for you."
bee said as i shrugged.
"i just need to learn how to take care of both of them by myself. because that's what it's coming down to at this point."
i sighed as i rested my head on my hand. the house feels so empty without michael here. my heart does too. i just hope the tour is everything he hopes it is.
michael's pov
"you sure you haven't had enough?"
kaykay asked with a raise of her eyebrow as i downed another shot. i rolled my eyes as i turned away from her and scanned the dance floor from our VIP area. everyone else seemed to be having a great time besides kaykay and calum; both of who were both too sober to be here.
neither of them has had a good view of me after alex and i's fight. hell, calum won't even talk to me if it doesn't have to do with the band. I'll admit, i was harsh on alex. but most of what i said was true. she was being selfish that night. and maybe she really was part of the reason i never grieved luca. i was too busy chasing her to catch up with my own feelings. do i believe she was the reason luca died? not entirely. but a part of me still believes she didn't want him as badly as i did.
"i'm sure i can handle another one."
i said to kaykay as she rolled her eyes at me. of course she took alex's side in the fight. she's best friends with alex. why wouldn't she take her side? i think all the guys took her side to be honest. ashton and luke just aren't showing it as much as calum is. i looked down at my phone and sighed as i saw the picture of luna and alex. i would be lying if i said i didn't miss both of them. especially luna.
i should've answered alex's calls and texts. i should've seen luna before i went on tour. i guess i just thought it would be easier to let the both of us calm down before i talked to alex. biggest mistake i could've made. now it feels like i have an empty void in my heart that nothing can feel.
after a few more minutes pass and the alcohol had a chance to settle in, i found myself dancing with some girl in the middle of the dance floor. and the second she got the chance, she connected her lips to mine. i could feel all eyes fall on me, especially the ones of my bandmates. i guess in this moment, i couldn't care less. alex and i are separated, most likely heading for a divorce. it doesn't matter anymore. i don't have a family to come home too. so maybe i can enjoy the bachelor life I've missed out on for the last three years.