It really didn't come as any shock that I was incapable of sleeping for the next six days.
It wasn't for a lack of trying on my part. Beauty sleep was one of the top ten cardinal rules of skincare, and if I could pick the five things that mattered most to me in this world the state of my skin definitely made that list. If I didn't have more important things to worry about I would have had several mental breakdowns over the horrendous bags that had taken up a permeant residence under my eyes.
The thing was, I did have more important things to worry about. Namely, just one, and his name was Arsen Mitchell.
From the moment he had dropped me off at home after our fairly dark auction date last Saturday I had been cycling through three emotions: anxiety, anger, and bitter sadness. For the better part of that Saturday night and into the early hours of Sunday morning I had spent most of my time by the toilet as a physical sickness from the combination of all three of those emotions overtook me.
While I hadn't spent all week throwing up, I found it very hard to shut my brain off long enough to get the rest I was in desperate need of. My mind absolutely refused to pause for even just one moment in the relay race it was doing that had no end in sight, and all my thoughts circled around the Arsen problem, and it was a problem.
I wanted so badly to help him in any way I could, but I just didn't...know.
I didn't know what I supposed to say. I didn't know how I was supposed to act. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Were we supposed to talk about it further or did we never talk about it again? Should I wait for him to bring it up? Should I bring it up myself or would that be considered rude? Should I change the way I acted around him now that I was privy to this kind of knowledge or should I act as if he had never told me? Was it okay for me to touch him? Should I only touch him in certain ways? Should I ask to touch him?
All these questions and no answers had done quite the job of causing a great deal of panic to reside in me.
Of course, I made use of the time I wasn't sleeping and did a lot of googling about sexual assault, and while I was a lot more knowledgeable about the general subject than before it still didn't feel sufficient enough. The articles always ended with vague ways of how someone could help a person who had been assaulted: believing them, listening to them, not judging them, etc., and while all that was great and certainly something I made sure to take note of I felt like I was missing something. Like there was more that I could do.
I was mulling over all of this during breakfast, pulling apart the warm chocolate chip muffin Inez had set in front of me and letting the pieces scatter across my plate. I jumped a little when I felt a hand on my forehead.
"Are you okay, Juliet?" Inez frowned, studying me carefully as she flipped her hand over and continued feeling all over my face, searching for the temperature I did not have. I swatted her hand away and leaned back.
"I'm fine," I dropped the muffin and took a sip of the orange juice in front of me. "Why?'
"You've been looking a little...well, very drained. Have you been sleeping okay?"
"Yeah," I lied with a shrug. "I mean, maybe not as well as I should. I have this really big exam today that I've been studying all week for."
Not a complete lie. I did have a biology exam today. Sure, I hadn't studied as much as I should have for it, but to be fair I had a lot on my mind.
"Oh," she nodded, stepping back.
She continued cleaning up around the kitchen, but from time to time she would sneak a concerned look over at me when she thought I wasn't looking.
"Inez, I'm fine. Seriously."
"No, I believe you," she hesitated as she stacked up the dirty dishes in the sink. "But if you ever want to talk about something I'm here."
"Mhmm," I hummed, taking another sip of my orange juice.
Thankfully Alexis walked in at that moment, so Inez couldn't continue to really prod me for answers like I knew she was dying to. I picked up my phone and busied myself in answering the string of text messages Jade had sent my way earlier this morning.
Once again she was asking me when I intended on setting our plan for blackmailing Ashleigh in motion. Despite the fact that the message was simply tiny words on a screen I could hear how it screamed with impatience, and I supposed I couldn't blame her. She went through a lot of trouble to dig up what she had on Ashleigh, and while I was certainly appreciative of having such life-ruining material literally in the palm of my hands, it all seemed very petty and insignificant at the moment.
I would get to it, I would, but at the present moment, I didn't have the appetite to scheme.
After placating Jade to the best of my ability I set my phone down and picked up my glass to finish my drink so I could head to school. I noticed Inez had left and Alexis was seated across me quietly eating her breakfast.
As I slowly took a drink, my eyes strayed to the kitchen door wondering how long Inez would be gone. I glanced over at Alexis whose fingers were flying across her the iPad she had propped out in front of her and had the same internal battle with myself I had been having all week.
I was no fan of Alexis. If she was hit by a bus right now I certainly wouldn't shed any tears. I had made it a point to never speak to her unless I was being forced by either Inez or my father, and she had given up trying to have any sort of conversation with me a while ago.
That being said I knew from the very few conversations I had with her that she was in the field of psychology. She studied it for years, was working in it now so it was possible she would have more concrete answers for me about how I should go about carrying around the knowledge Arsen had been sexually assaulted than my google search engine...
"Alexis," I said, my voice hesitant and softer than it had ever been when it was directed to her. She must have thought as much because she practically cracked her neck looking up at me.
Her eyebrows raised and she looked around as if she couldn't believe I was addressing her. I sighed. Maybe this wasn't a good idea.
"Yes?" She asked once she silently confirmed to herself that I was, indeed, talking to her.
"Um...well, you're like a psychology person right?" I asked, shifting uncomfortably in my seat.
"Yes. I'm a...psychology person," she smiled a little. "Psychotherapist to be exact."
"Right," I nodded. "What does a psychotherapist do exactly?"
"Well, to keep it short and sweet I work with and treat people who have emotional problems, people with mental health conditions. I usually see people who have depression, anxiety, stress...," she trailed off thoughtfully. "People who are addicts or have disorders like bipolar or schizophrenia. Things like that."
"Okay," I nodded. "Do you, um, do you work with people who have been sexually abused?"
Alexis's eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly together, but apart from that, her face remained completely straight as she nodded.
"Yes. I do. I do a lot of work with sexual assault survivors."
I nodded once more and lowered my gaze to my plate and picked up a piece of my torn apart muffin. Only a few moments passed before Alexis spoke up again.
"Why do you ask?"
"Um...," I sighed and rubbed my forehead, wondering how I should go about what was weighing my mind.
"Is there something on your mind?" She asked in that pleasant, casual tone. I looked up to see she was smiling at me warmly, and I relaxed just a bit.
"Kind of. You see, I have this friend...he, um, well, he told me something the other day that I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Something that happened to him when he was little. He told me that someone that he knew molested him."
I paused for a moment after the statement was out. Gaging her reaction before I proceeded. Her face remained straight, giving away nothing about where her train of thought was taking her and she nodded, indicating I should go on.
"It's really been bothering me. For a lot of different reasons. One of them being that he hasn't ever told anyone about this. Like ever. I was the first person he told, and I just...that's, like, a problem right? That he never told anyone? That he's been sitting on this for years? That he never saw a therapist or anything?"
"Well," Alexis sighed and sat back, studying me behind the thick black glasses she had on. "That's a bit complicated. People deal with their trauma in their own ways."
"Sure, but to not tell anyone? Ever? For years?"
"You'd be surprised how often that happens, and there are a lot of reasons why people who are sexually harassed or assaulted don't report it. Why they'll even go as far as to hide it from their friends and family. Sometimes they blame themselves. They'll question what it was that they did wrong to deserve it and carry around the belief that it's their fault. They may feel ashamed of themselves for not being able to stop it. They may be scared they won't be believed. Sometimes they'll suppress it, block it out completely cause they just can't handle what happened to them. It's a very heavy thing to deal with at the moment and after the moment, and to go through something like this as a child...well, it's not as easy as you think to come forward."
"I get that," I pursed my lips. "I really do, but as a therapist don't you think people should go to therapy if they need it? Don't you think they need to talk to someone?"
"Yes, I do," She nodded. "I think that a lot of people, traumatized or not, could benefit from therapy. That being said, you really need to want to participate in therapy. It only works if you want it to work and if you're willing to put in the work. You can't force someone to get that kind of help if they aren't ready for it."
"So I shouldn't suggest that he go to therapy or talk to his parents about this?" I asked, chewing on my lower lip.
"There's nothing wrong with gently encouraging him to do either one of those things," she said slowly as if she was weighing her words before she let them leave her lips. "But ultimately the decision to do so is up to him. I would recommend you don't demand him to do or anything or be forceful in any way. Being violated in that way is disempowering. You don't want to take any more of his personal power away."
I sighed and sat back in my seat, feeling more than a little defeated.
"So, I guess there isn't much I can do. I mean, I can't really help my friend can I? I've been spending so much time over the past few days doing all this research and trying to figure out what I can do for him. What I could suggest for him to do to...I don't know make the situation more bearable? To try and fix things as best I can..."
"Juliet," Alexis removed her glasses and sat them down carefully on the counter before leaning forward, pinning me with a very serious look. "First of all, you can't fix people. Nobody can. I, as a therapist, can't even do that. I understand why you would feel the need to do so, especially if this person is important to you, but we can only ever fix ourselves. Don't get me wrong, we can certainly help people. We can make them happy, show we care about them, listen to them when they need to talk to someone, but fixing them...that's not the point. And I don't know your friend, I don't know his situation, but I don't think he told you this because he wants you to fix him."
"So then why would he tell me? If I'm not supposed to fix this? I mean, he mentioned something about feeling safe with me-"
"Well, there you go," Alexis shrugged. "He feels safe with you. He trusts you. You probably treat him with a lot of respect. You're probably easy to talk to. You've probably shown him that you care very much about him. That's why he told you, and it really is as simple as that. Don't think too much about it or dwell on it. Just be there for him and listen to him and support him."
I laughed wryly and rubbed the bridge of my nose. "You sound like every article on google titled 'How to Help a Friend Whose Been Sexually Assaulted'."
"I know it may not seem like much," she said. "It may seem like you can be doing more, but I promise you that's the very best thing you can do for your friend. It'll influence his healing process greatly. So much more than trying to rescue him."
I was just going to have to take her word for it. She was the therapist after all.
A quick glance at the time told me if I didn't get going I was going to be late, and I had reached my limit of late passes for the week. I could think of far more exciting things I would rather do on a Friday afternoon instead of sitting in detention, so I hopped off the stool and gathered my things, mentally preparing for the traffic laws I was about to break.
"Hey," Alex said, holding out a small card for me to take. "If your friend does decide he would like to see a therapist tell him to reach out to me anytime. First five sessions are free of charge, or if he's a minor and doesn't want to tell his parents about this I hold support groups for sexual abuse survivors."
"Oh," I took the card and scanned the details that contained Alexis's office hours and phone numbers. "Wow. Thank you. Thank you, for this and for, you know, helping me out."
"It's not a problem," she smiled warmly, sliding her glasses back on. "And I know that just hearing about someone's experience comes with a lot of different feelings. So if you need someone to talk to I'm here for you too. Anytime."
"I'll keep that in mind," I swung my bag over my shoulder and offered her a small smile. "I will really, um...have a nice day."
"You too," she nodded, picking back up her iPad.
I sat in my car for a little bit, studying the card Alexis gave me, and by the time I got myself together and started off for school, I acknowledged that she maybe wasn't such a witch after all.
__________
"Juliet-"
"Jade, do not ask me any more questions about this," I dug around in my bag for a five-dollar bill and trying to ignore how my friend was literally breathing down my neck.
To say I had been avoiding Jade was the understatement of the century.
For the better part of the day I had been doing my best to dodge her. I was running away when I heard the familiar click-clack of her heels in the hall, I had skipped classes, hid in bathrooms, and I had completely shut off my phone.
I just did not have it in me to deal with her, especially when I was still pouring over what Alexis had told me that morning. It was quite a bit to process, everything that was said, and getting my thoughts in order before I talked to Arsen was much more important than the same spiel about the "time-sensitive" information Jade had given me.
"I just want to know when we're going to really get this whole thing going," Jade whined. "Come on, I gave you Mouse's downfall on a silver fucking platter."
"And I appreciate it," I handed the lunch lady the money and smiled at my friend, patting her on the cheek. "But these things are all about timing. Acting prematurely could ruin everything, and I don't want to risk that. Do you?"
"Well, no-"
"Okay, then there's nothing more to say about it. Don't worry. When things get going, you'll be the first to know. Until then, stop bothering me."
"Fine," she sighed, handing the lunch lady her own cash to pay for her meal. "I just want to make sure you're not going to pussy out on me."
"I wouldn't do that," I picked up my tray and started making my way over to our lunch table.
"Yes, you would and you have. Plenty of times," Jade fell into step with me and pinned me with a look. "All because you want to stay on Arsen's good side."
"He is my boyfriend. Should I not want to be on his good side?" I shot back, a spark of irritation running up my spine at the stupid little smirk playing on Jade's lips. "Don't be annoying."
"I'm not! I'm just saying," she shrugged.
"Well, why don't you say less? In fact, how about not saying anything at all?"
"Okay, Miss Snippy," she scoffed. "You know, you've been in a real bad mood for the past couple of days. More bitcher than usual. Does it have anything to do with those bags under your eyes?"
I almost dropped my tray right there in the middle of the cafeteria in my attempt to get my compact mirror out of my bag. I was so sure I had properly covered up those dreadful reminders I wasn't sleeping before I left the house.
"I do not have bags," I hissed, stopping to properly examine my eyes.
"Maybe not from afar, but when I get real close I can definitely see it," Jade leaned in and tsked in disapproval, shaking her head. "You could have done a better job hiding it don't you think?"
I snapped the mirror shut and was just about to hurl the object at her when I felt an arm slide around my waist. I felt myself relax when I saw it was Arsen and just looking at his smiling face I couldn't hold on to the anger Jade had provoked if my life depended on it.
"Hi," I leaned into his hold and welcomed the kiss he planted on my lips and then on both of my cheeks.
"Hey, Red," he smiled politely at Jade. "Hi, Jade."
"Hi, Arsen," she beamed. "You're just in time. Your girlfriend is so tightly wound up. Whatever you have to do to get her to take it down a few notches is welcomed."
I went to grab a fistful of her hair but with Arsen's tight hold on me and Jade scurrying away I was unsuccessful in my attempt to bash her head in the ground.
"Why don't you come sit with me today," Arsen suggested, guiding me over to his lunch table. "We don't want you murdering your friend now do we?"
"I wouldn't murder her," I paused as I thought about it. "I might severely injury her in blind rage..."
Arsen chuckled and pulled out the seat next to the only tray that was sitting on his table. I settled down in my seat and as soon as Arsen took his own I started to lean over, wanting to give him another kiss because he just looked so cute and the sudden pang in my heart had me realizing just how little I had seen him this week.
Despite the ache in me, I was stopped short when the worry that had been keeping me at a distance from Arsen came flooding back. It dawned on me that I had forgotten to ask Alexis about the whole touching ordeal and how she thought I should go about it. A bit idiotic of me seeing as how important that piece of information was.
I hesitated and then ultimately decided to lean back into my original position, keeping the kiss I wanted to give him. Arsen's eyebrows furrowed slightly, but he didn't say anything about it.
"I feel like I haven't really seen you this week," Arsen said after a few moments of slightly awkward silence.
"Oh. Yeah," I nodded, opening the container of salad in front of me. "I've just been really busy. Organizing the cheer trip to Florida and, um, studying."
"Mhmm," he hummed, taking a sip from his bottle of water. "Well, you know, we usually study together. I wish you hadn't canceled our study sessions though. We could have spent more time together."
"Yeah...," I trailed off, unsure what to say to that. I didn't know how much he would enjoy studying the topics I had been delving into the past few days. "Why don't we hang out tonight? My dad has finally finished refurbishing the home theater so we can watch a movie on the big screen."
"That sounds like fun," he nodded. "I'm down, but we have to watch The Avengers."
"If we watch the first Avengers we have to watch all of them," I started to grin.
"There's no other way to watch them," he gave me a look. "But let's try to keep the complaints to a minimum."
"It's not complaining," I disputed. "I just have a lot of opinions on the way certain things played out in that series."
"You have a lot of opinions on a lot of things," he said teasingly, poking my side.
"It's all apart of the charm," I giggled, swatting his hand away.
Another bout of silence passed between us, thankfully it wasn't as awkward as the last, and when Arsen reached up to stroke my hair I eagerly and automatically leaned into his pleasant touch.
"You okay, Red?" He asked as he played with my hair.
"I'm fine," I looked up, but eyes, as per usual, gave nothing away. In fact, if I didn't know what to look for the seriousness and concern that lightly laced his tone would be lost to me. "Why?"
"I don't know I just feel like you've been a little," he paused. "Off?"
I considered his words for a moment, and I very much wanted to disclose just how off I really was. How stressed out and worried and sad and angry I had been from the moment he disclosed to me the ugly way his innocence was stolen from him. I wanted to discuss what Alexis told me and to try and gently prod him to take her up on the free sessions she offered.
But now simply wasn't the time considering we were in the middle of the bustling cafeteria, so I smiled as best I could and shrugged.
"I've had a lot on my mind," I said honestly.
"Is it," he hesitated and began drumming his fingers on the table. "Is it because of what I told you?"
I knew my face gave away the answer before my lips could form a lie that wouldn't hurt me when he sighed a long heavy sigh.
"I'm sorry," he said gently and I could hear deep sorrow in his voice. "I'm sorry, Juliet I shouldn't have- I should have kept that to myself. It wasn't my intention to burden you."
I ignored the dreadful feeling that began to work its way through my entire body the moment the words left his mouth and began shaking my head, blinking back the tears that seemed to always be just one eyelash flutter from falling down my face these days.
"Arsen, no...I'm not burdened. I swear I'm not. That's not it, and I'm really glad you trusted me enough to tell me something like that. I just," I sighed harshly, frustrated that I could feel tears starting to drip down one by one and that my voice was beginning to tremble. I was being ridiculous. This was not about me. "I just want you to be okay, and I-"
The sound of a tray clattering on the table had me physically jumping right out of the moment. I watched Greg make himself comfortable in the seat across from me and it was then that I began noticing the rest of Arsen's friends had started filling in the surrounding seats. I didn't have it in me to be irritated they were interrupting, not with the hurricane of emotions that were flickering across Arsen's face.
"Alright, we just need to take a vote then," Justin said loudly as he took his seat, obviously continuing a conversation he had been having. "Everyone Team Angelina raise your hand. Everyone Team Jennifer leave my vicinity immediately."
"Of course you would side with the homewrecker," Ashleigh rolled her eyes with a scoff.
"She isn't a homewrecker!" Justin insisted. "Brad wrecked his own home. Angie does not deserve to be villainized more than the man that was married and stepped out on his wife, and that's my whole point. Arsen, back me up on this. What...are you two okay?"
The moment everyone's eyes flew in my direction I dropped my fork on the ground so I had an excuse to bend down and dry my tear-soaked eyes as discreetly as possible.
"Don't tell me you two are having your first fight," Brooke said and I didn't need to see her face to know she was grinning. "Or better yet, break up?"
Arsen didn't supply a biting answer to Brooke's bitchiness like he normally did. I felt his eyes practically burning a hole in the side of my head as I sat back up, but I didn't meet his gaze immediately because I knew I would start crying all over again if I did.
"My dog died," I lied easily, cracking open my bottle of diet coke.
"Woah," Justin frowned. "I'm sorry, Jules. That sucks."
"Yeah, well," I sighed with a shrug. "Circle of life and all that I suppose."
"I didn't know you had a dog...," Lauren's eyebrows furrowed as if she was seriously thinking about how she could have missed the dog, that did not exist, running around my house the many times she had been over.
"He's a little...well...was a little shy," I sniffed for dramatic effect and lowered my head. "He liked to hide under my bed whenever I had company, so that's why you never saw him."
"Sorry to hear that," Greg said sympathetically, which was mildly surprising seeing as he usually ignored me whenever I happened to be around. "My dog died last year. It's rough."
"Oh, great," Brooke groaned. "Before you start the soliloquy on that dog, can you just, I don't know, not?"
"Why are you so void of human emotions?" Greg demanded, looking a little ticked off. "There's not an empathetic bone in your body!"
"I have a theory about that," Justin popped a french fry in his mouth. "She has no soul. Now, hear me out."
I tuned out the conversation, not caring for the new turn it had taken, and looked over at Arsen who still had his eyes on me. There was a small smile on his face, but his eyes still looked incredibly sad. I returned his smile with a small one of my own and shrugged.
"Later?" I asked hopefully. I had so much more to say and did not want the subject to end on this note.
Arsen nodded in agreement. "Later."