I just found out about the word "Hiraeth" and it is the most beautiful word I have ever come across. It means homesickness for a home you can't return to, or a home that never existed in the first place.
- Me
The following few weeks didn't leave much of an impression on me. I had formed a routine to get myself back into a life that was a bit more normal. I woke up, took a shower, went to breakfast, then to class, spent some time in the library and I spent most nights, at least if my schoolwork allowed it, in the common room with my friends.
Since Tracey and Blaise had been a sort of thing these past weeks - I still wasn't quite sure what exactly was going on and neither did they - we spent more time with him and Theo too. I had misjudged Theo, he was actually quite pleasant to be around, although he still had strong opinions I didn't agree with most of the time. But I had learned that keeping my opinion to myself was the smartest thing to do.
Draco was never in the common room, so I didn't see him often.
I hadn't followed him anymore after that one time. He had noticed me. I knew I hadn't dreamt it because in the following few days, he stared at me more than before, a knowing look in his eyes. I knew he was trying to read my thoughts, to know what I thought of the situation, but I wouldn't let him in.
If he wanted to know what I was thinking, he simply had to ask me, but he didn't.
And although that moment, that one sentence he said before he left had turned my blood to ice, it had also made me feel a little bit happy inside afterwards. He recognised me by the scent of berries, not roses and mahogany.
Still, he didn't speak to me, and neither did I.
Every day seemed to pass by exceptionally slow, but when a month had passed and I looked back, it seemed as if it had gone by in a glimpse. Maybe that was because there weren't that many memorable days to remember.
"Lea, are you alright?" Daphne asked, shaking me from my thoughts.
"What?" I mumbled, trying to focus on what was going on.
"I know we're brewing a Potion for Dreamless Sleep, but you are not supposed to actually fall asleep, you know", she chuckled.
"Right, sorry, I had a bit of a headache last night, so I didn't sleep well", I lied, reading the recipe again. It was true that I didn't sleep very well, but not because of headaches, I simply worried too much.
"You miss him, don't you?" Daphne asked, looking across the room at Draco, who didn't seem to pay attention either. His gaze was fixated on something far away, a distant look in his eyes.
"It's fine, I'm fine", I said, not wanting to focus on that. I was okay. I had my friends to distract me and I got good grades. It was just difficult to be content with being "okay" after experiencing what it felt like to be entirely happy.
"That looks quite good", Slughorn said, seeming even more awkward than usual.
"Thank you, sir", Daphne beamed. She was really good at Potions, better than me.
"Miss Selwyn, I recently learned about your father. I'm sorry to hear what happened to him", he said. He sounded compassionate, but upon seeing the nervous look in his eyes, I knew he wasn't.
"I'm sure he- Well, the circumstances were simply not- not in his favour", he stammered. He clearly seemed uncomfortable talking about the situation and I had a feeling that he genuinely didn't know about my family before very recently. He looked like Benjamin had looked when I saw him in Diagon Alley. Not wanting to act differently, but clearly feeling uncomfortable with the newfound information.
"Thank you", I answered shortly, wanting this subject to be over with as soon as possible.
"Have you gotten my invitation to the Christmas party I'm hosting?" he asked. Daphne and I had attended one of his dinners in October, but it had been absolutely dreadful, as Harry Potter, the Weasley girl - I forgot her name - and Hermione Granger were among the ten students he had invited. Having dinner with them was the last thing I wanted to spend my time on, so I wasn't very upset when I learned that the second dinner party interfered with my Astronomy class.
We had gotten the invitation to this lavish Christmas party he was hosting only a few days ago. At first I was dreading it, but then I learned that Blaise had gotten invited to this party as well and since we were allowed to bring a date, that would mean that Tracey would be attending too. It could actually be an enjoyable way to end the semester, even if it meant having the bunch of Gryffindors around.
"We have, professor, thank you for the invitation", I said, ignoring the potion for a while. It was best to maintain a good relationship with him as he was inviting many well-known alumni to attend said Christmas party. My parents had taught me from birth that one of the most important assets a witch or wizard could have was strong connections.
"Oh, you did?" he laughed awkwardly. "That's- that's great. Don't worry if you won't be able to make it, though, that's all good." I knew that tone very well and I felt a little sting in my chest. He didn't want me to come, at least not anymore.
He had recently learned about what my father had done, and now he'd rather not associate himself with me. It made sense, as Draco nor Theo were in the Slug Club, even though both were amongst the best students in our year and excelled at Potions. He didn't want to be associated with me because my father was a Death Eater.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and forced out a classic Selwyn-smile. I was not going to let it get to me. I was much stronger than him and his stupid prejudices were not going to take this chance away from me.
"I wouldn't miss it for the world", I said.
"Oh, good, good", he said. "That's uhm ... good." He walked away, the smile faded from his face. I had been a model student in this class, always friendly and correct. At his dinner party I had politely engaged in small-talk and even spoken about a few of my passions, such as Arithmancy. I thought I had shown him that I was a promising witch, but yet again the influence of my parents made it all go to waste.
If our side would win the Wizarding War, I could probably get any job I wanted, or I'd be forced into being a house-wife, living off of the inheritance of my exceptionally long list of ancestors.
As bad as that sounded, the other option wasn't very appealing either. If we wouldn't win the Wizarding War and Voldemort somehow got defeated again, what future did I have then? A life in Azkaban? And if not, a life in the shadows of the actions of my parents? Could I ever pursue any dream I had, when everyone knew that my parents had been close to the Dark Lord, when everyone judged me for their actions?
I shook those thoughts away. These were my actions too, I was helping him too, right? Technically I was doing it for Draco, for someone who didn't want my help, so why was I so wrapped in a war I didn't want any part of? I didn't want to kill people, betray people, destroy this world. I just made everyone think I did and everyone believed it.
So, was this all my fault? No, It wasn't. I wasn't in the wrong here, I wouldn't let myself believe that. At Hogwarts, I hadn't done anything to prove that I supported Lord Voldemort.
It were these narrow-minded people like Slughorn and Benjamin and so many others who decided to judge me based on something I had no control over. It was not my fault that I was born a Selwyn.
"I'm sorry", Daphne said, squeezing my hand under the table. She knew.
"Don't be", I smiled. "I should have expected it. Still, we're going to that party."
"Are you going to ask Draco?" she asked, a little unsure. I hadn't even thought about that. I was supposed to bring a date. I was not going to ask Draco in any circumstance. He hadn't spoken to me since I had voiced my opinion on the situation, at least if we're not counting that single sentence in the Room of Requirement a while ago.
He hadn't tried to reach out, so neither should I.
"I don't need a date, I'll just go solo", I shrugged.
Slughorn dismissed us after a few more minutes, so I mentally prepared myself for Double Charms in the afternoon. At first there was lunch, though.
"Eleanor, can we talk?"
I frowned and turned around. Someone I hadn't expected stood in front of me, looking most awkward.
"Benjamin, what can I do for you?" I asked, grabbing my bag and making my way out of the classroom, a placid look on my face. I couldn't look at him without feeling angry, maybe a little sad. We hadn't spoken in months.
"I just wanted to speak to you for a bit, if that's alright", he continued, following me out. Tracey gestured something from the corner of my eyes, a suspicious look on her face.
"Go on", I told her and Daphne and walked towards an empty corridor. I couldn't help but be curious as to what he was going to say.
"Thank you", Benjamin said, standing there awkwardly for a while. I crossed my arms, leaning against the cold, stone wall.
"Uhm, I'd just like to apologize", he started eventually. "For being rude, I shouldn't have stopped talking to you."
"I'm quite used to it by now", I said, keeping my eyes trained on him. I could not show that I had missed him. He had just tossed me aside because of some news about my dad. I thought he knew me better than that.
"It shouldn't be like that", he sighed. "You've always been nothing but nice to me, I'm sorry for avoiding you. It's just that my family wants absolutely nothing to do with Voldemort's side."
I didn't know exactly what to say. I understood where they came from. They wanted to stay away from any dark magic and I was the daughter of a Death Eater. But even though I understood, it still hurt.
"I guess this isn't easy for you either, are you okay?" he asked as I hadn't responded to him.
"I'll manage, don't worry about it", I said, crossing my arms a little tighter, the usual defence mechanism.
"Well, if you ever want to talk, I'm still here for you, just know that", he said. Things were so much different than they had been last year. Benjamin had been the only person ever to see me cry properly. Not even Daphne or Tracey had witnessed such a thing. And now that friendship seemed miles away, permanently fractured.
"Sure", I said, not wanting to be petty. It was over, I knew that. He'd never really be a friend anymore.
"Oi, Benji, are you coming?" I heard behind him. Seamus was waiting for him, Weasley next to him.
"I'll see you around, okay?" Benji said awkwardly. I nodded and he left.
"You should watch out with her", I heard Weasley say before they disappeared around the corner. "She's bad news. I bet her parents would kill you in cold blood if they found out about you." I swallowed the lump in my throat. This was just the way it was going to be from now on and I had to get used to it.