• • •
𝕣𝕦𝕕𝕪
Sydney has barely left her room for the past week.
When she does adventure out of it on the rare occasion— she's either throwing her dirty clothes into the laundry or grabbing a snack from the pantry... nothing else. None of us have spoken to her except for Madelyn, and she has even barely gotten a full sentence out of her. Madelyn drops off her meals when she know that she hasn't eaten.
We know when she hasn't eaten because when she has, her section of the pantry is missing a packet of TimTams. I go out to buy her some more every two days to replace it.
I tried sending her messages after she stopped talking to me— I stopped after the first couple of days, though. It's a little exhausting when you're left with nothing but un-read text messages... I just wished she'd talk to me about it.
I know that it has something to do with her label and the fact that they didn't approve of the songs. Ever since her first studio session shit's gone downhill so it would make sense. I knew that she tried to explain it to me the first couple of times, but after that she just gave up. I know she has problems with being open, but I wish that she would just give me a chance. It's only me— Rudy Pankow, practically harmless and completely hopeless when it comes to a certain blonde girl with an Australian accent that is named after a city.
"You okay, bro?" Chases voice snaps me out of my thoughts, making me turn to him.
I adjust my seating on the couch and clear my throat, looking back up to the TV. "Yeah, fine." I briefly respond, chewing on the inside of my cheek.
Everyone else was out tonight, Chase and I were the only ones home... well, expect for Syd, but that's different. We both decided on just having a movie night as there was nothing else to do. I kept spacing out though, I was worried about Sydney.
He lets out a sigh. "Doubt it, you missed the good part of the movie. Last time I checked, the screen is in front of you, not down the hall and at Sydney's door." he deadpans, making me roll my eyes.
I knew that he was only trying to help cheer me up... Chase is good for that, but I had too much floating around my head to even focus on one thing.
"Chase, we're only like thirty minutes into the movie... how can we already be up to the good part?" I say, stuffing my face with a handful of the popcorn between us.
He lets out a scoff. "The hot one was in a bikini!"
As soon as he says that, I pinch my eyes shut and refrain from throwing the remote at his stupid head of blonde highlights. "Jesus, Chase—"
"No, no!" he says, turning to me. "Don't start with that shit."
"Dude, you have a girlfriend."
"That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to respectfully look at her knockers... it's Kelly Rohbach, for god sakes. If Madelyn was here I'm sure she'd be staring at Zac Efron's abs and drooling at Dwayne Johnson's bald head." he says matter of factly. "It's Baywatch, this movie was practically made for people to drool over."
I pause. "Did you just say his bald head?"
"Yes," he confirms, making me laugh. "If you run a rag over it I'm sure it would make squeaking sounds." he jokes, pretending to rub a rag over someone's head and making high-pitch squealing noises.
And just somehow, Chase has me from being an anxious mess to practically falling onto the ground in laughter— the kind of laughter that has you feeling like you've gained a six pack after doing so.
I was grateful for Chase. He got her off my mind for a short moment.
• • •
𝕤𝕪𝕕𝕟𝕖𝕪
This past week has been quiet.
I thought that quiet is what I needed, but maybe I was wrong. The constant silence was practically eating me alive.
I had only somehow written a few melodies and came up with some beats within this whole week, still left with no written songs though. I'm not sure what to do... I need a proper break. A proper break from the stress, from this fucking bedroom, I needed a break from it all.
Last night everyone had gone out and only Rudy and Chase were home. I haven't spoken to either of them and I've been purposely ignoring their text messages— even the ones were Chase calls himself 'Daddy Chase'. He had also sent me multiple feet pics and threatened to hack into my instagram and post them onto my account... so yes, ignoring them was quite difficult.
I couldn't help but feel a little bit happier last night while listening to the boys banter. I was mentally thanking Chase to the gods and back for the fact that he got Rudy into a better mood— I'm the one to blame for that... so I'm just happy that someone's keeping him on his toes.
Not talking to anyone is probably the worst way to go about my situation but I'm finding it super hard to be myself at the moment. I can barely talk to anyone, I haven't posted for a week and my supporters are getting worried, I cried while on the phone to my mother the other night— and that's shocking because I couldn't even recall the last time I broke down until then.
I'm just about ready to throw my song book across the room when there's a soft knock at my bedroom door. I tense up at first, waiting for whoever it is to talk. If it's anyone else other than Madelyn, I pretend that I can't hear them and wait until they give up and leave.
"It's just me." Madelyns voice is heard from the other side, making me breathe out a breath of relieved air.
"Come in." I respond, my throat feeling dry from not talking much.
She walks into my room and softly shuts the door behind her, slowly walking further into my room. "Hey, Syd... how are you feeling?"
"The usual." I grumble, leaning back onto my bed frame.
She sighs and sits on the edge of my bed. "I'm worried, Syd... we all are."
I clench my jaw. "I don't won't you guys to worry about me, though," I say, now feeling upset. "That's not what I want. I want you guys to be happy."
"We can't be happy when we know that our friend is struggling." she softly says.
I know I'm screwed when I feel the unfamiliar burn in my eyes and nose. As soon as I feel the wetness drop onto my cheek, I'm quick to hide my face in my hands.
"I'm so sorry, Mads," I sob— my emotions flying out from the bottle i've kept it in the last week. "I'm sorry for making you guys stress out about me. I didn't mean for that to happen. I don't wanna disappoint anyone, that's why I'm trying to get these songs done." I try to explain myself in the best way I possibly can while in this state.
She's quick to fly over to my side and wrap her arms around me, helping me calm down. "No ones disappointed in you. I couldn't be more proud of you, honestly."
I shake my head, my hands still covering my face as she rubs my back. "My label's upset because we could potentially lose a lot of money if i don't get this done, I feel like I'm letting my fans down because I'm not giving them proper content, I'm making you guys worry about me— I'm just constantly fucking up. I want a break. I need a break. I miss home." I ramble.
"Shhh." she whispers, pulling me into her side.
"I miss feeling at home, Mads. I miss feeling like I used to." I stammer, holding onto her tighter.
"I know you do, Sydney, I know you do."
• • •
lol rip
y'all i have the phattest migraine someone come slap it out of my head for me pls
anyways
love u all
stay safe and follow the covid restrictions because i wanna see harry in concert soon and not in seven years 🤡