As far as warnings go, I'm not sure there is one to name that isn't in this chapter, though mostly they are just mentions nothing graphic Also, this is a beast of a chapter, but that's because it has snippets from all over the CIOaR – and it's from Matt's POV.
Anyway, the warnings: violence, blood, death, death of an (unborn) child, thought of suicide and a suicide, your typical AoS stuff... and few guests ;)
-.-.-.-
"Are you seeing any of this?"
"Seeing, still working on believing."
Steve Rogers and Tony Stark in Avengers (2012)
------
Matt felt... hollow.
Once, there had been a raging sea of emotion, growling and trying to claw its way out – he had been calling it the devil. The devil inside him. Now he was sure that he truly did have a smidge of Satan in his heart; but strangely enough, that smidge didn't feel dark. It just felt like a void where his soul should be.
He would never forget the day Caitlin Snow said his name in that tone, one single syllable that sent his whole world crushing down even before the statement itself followed.
He would never forget the day the peculiar warm electricity hummed in the apartment and Cisco appeared out of nowhere, followed by the Flash himself.
"We have a big big problem," was all he said instead of a greeting, causing Matt to blink furiously as he eased his fighting stance once he was sure that no enemy had broken in – only friends from Central City. And they had probably came in via a portal.
Losing his stance did not equal relaxing however, seeing as Cisco announced a big big problem.
"What's going on?"
Barry's heart always ran very fast, fluttering like a hummingbird's, but for Cisco, it was an unusual occurrence; and Matt could taste fear and anxiety in the air.
"I had a vision," the man explained, gulping, the material of his vigilante suit rusting as he shifted uncomfortably, hand clenching into a fist and unclenching again. "And I saw you die."
Funnily enough, that wasn't the strangest thing Matt had ever heard – in fact, it wasn't the first time he was told about a precise image of him dying in the future and he had heard weirder too. In the world where metahumans existed, where Terri had a vision about Vera's death and prevented it, where a man had earned special abilities by punching a dragon and aliens rained from the sky... yeah, it was perfectly possible for someone to see the future.
Not that the weird got any easier to grasp at with time, didn't get any less scary. And the solutions for this sort of trouble never got easier either.
"Is he having a panic attack?" Matt heard distantly and shook his head to snap himself back to the present.
Right. Reaction.
"What do we do about it?"
"Well, we preferably remove you so you don't get killed," Barry blurted out, sounding as if he was doubting Matt's sanity, not that Matt could blame him. "Unless you want to be stabbed to death?"
Matt took a shuddering breath, trying to settle the icy fear in his gut, desperately trying to comprehend what was happening and attempting to follow nothing but cold logic.
"Well, no, but if I don't get killed, then what if the killer-" Fuck, he didn't even want to think it, let alone finish that sentence- his heart was squeezed in a brutal fist of horror, air turning heavy in his lungs. "-what if they wait here and run into Vera?"
"We take her too, obviously," Cisco said, bewildered, unable to follow Matt's train of thought – hell, Matt couldn't tell he himself was.
His mind raced way too fast for that.
"Who's going to kill me? Why? Do you think it's a robbery go wrong or something else? I don't know, a hit? Have someone figured out who I am?"
Cisco huffed and threw his hands in the air in exasperation. "I don't know! Why are we having this conversation?"
"Because if it is a hit, they'll be back and you can't babysit me, Vera and Jackie for the rest of our lives!" Matt snapped, a flare of rage lighting up in his chest.
"...okay, good point, but do we have to deal with that now? We catch the guy and go from there," Barry offered.
Matt did not like it.
"And if it's a mob and he's not gonna say a word—"
"Dammit, Matt, you realize that we're running out of time, right?"
Funny, Matt thought now. If only, if only they had gone with that simple solution, just grab them all and keep them safe... maybe it wouldn't have gone so bad. But no, Matt had been so fucking stupid at that time...
"Yes, but you said we have a few hours, so we can work out a plan... what if we let them, eh, stab me and you get me to the hospital really fast after?"
The pounding of hearts grew considerably louder – and wilder.
"I'm sorry, what?!" Cisco yelped, horrified, Barry echoing his valid question.
"We need to know-"
"So you're gonna get stabbed? Are you crazy?!"
Matt sighed, irritation spiking again, his brain hurting with how hard and fast he was trying to figure out what to do. Weren't they some of the most brilliant minds walking the damn Earth?
"Well, if it helps us to eliminate the threat and prevent them from coming at me and my family again – because people don't try to kill an already dead man – then yeah. I might be crazy, because I am willing to get stabbed."
The room fell into stunned silence – as silent as it ever got for Matt – no one daring to question his logic even if no one really liked the idea, for obvious reasons.
But shit, Matt had to protect Vera at any cost. Vera and Jackie.
What a fool and an arrogant asshole he had been thinking he could trick fate.
"Multiplex," Cisco suddenly whispered, the word hanging in the air – and causing Barry's heart skip a beat.
"You think we could--- grow?" Barry questioned, leaving out Matt out of the conversation entirely, much to his frustration which was already running high.
"Well, Cait did it with his cells. Maybe we could somehow—somehow. Is worth a shot, don't you think?"
Matt's chest instinctively rumbled with a growl as they spoke of something he didn't understand at all – and yet he was ignored still. Grh! They were talking about his impending death dammit!
"That's... a really grey area," Barry stated hesitantly and Matt could finally sense the two friends turn to him again, their body language all messed up, uncertainty and fear whispering of something which was about to happen – and which he probably wouldn't like.
"So... we might have a solution. But it's really messed up."
It was incredibly and absolutely fucked up in fact.
Cloning. 'Multiplex' was an already dead metahuman with the ability to clone himself without limits, creating empty vessels of himself – braindead bodies only following his orders.
The man Caitlin was able to grow – the really ethically grey area Barry had mentioned – was no real man. Matt assumed he did look like himself, but he was nothing but a puppet without a master. But the team agreed that it would do.
It was crazy. It was stupid. It was wrong on so many levels. But Matt had been walking the blurred line between good and bad for a while now and he knew one thing – if this 'man' never lived and if he had to sacrifice it to ensure that his family was safe... there was no choice to make.
Oh, how had they fucked it up.
Grey area of killing a mindless clone was not the issue – no, Matt's mind was preoccupied with something else entirely. With Vera.
They didn't tell her about this whole operation at all as they should, hoping she would forgive him once they were sure that they tracked down the real danger and the family was safe again – that she would forgive him for pretending to be dead. They should have known better.
They should have figured she would be the one to find Matt's body – they hadn't given an anonymous tip to the police beforehand as they should.
They sure as fuck were supposed to know that she would be the main suspect and would be charged with murder – with the only fingerprints on the kitchen-knife being hers and Matt's.
They should have removed her damn vigilante suit, but they hadn't thought of it, because Matt's own was at Melvin's at that time.
They were so insanely dumb.
They should have contacted her after at least, anything, but since they had started it, they wanted to finish it, wanting for her to look sincerely devastated by Matt' death-- God, such an asshole move and so, so dumb.
And yet, that wasn't Matt's biggest regret.
He had made so many mistakes along the way.
He would never forget the news anchor's voice saying she was stabbed at the hearing. And Barry's voice telling him that it cost Jackie her life.
Matt threw up at the news, screamed and trashed everything in his reach and kicked and punched and cried—and still, there was this excruciating pain in his chest, mixing with pure undiluted hate aimed straight at himself and no one else.
At that point, the void was there, but it quite wasn't – his heart was filled with hatred and guilt and agony, his soul pitch black, but— the most overwhelming emotion was fear.
Because he could never ever face Vera again, knowing this was on him. Yeah, Barry, Cisco, Caitlin, they had held his hand through this insane plan, but this blood, his own daughter's blood, was on his hands. More so than his father's was, because Jack Murdock might have been inspired by Matt's words, but his will had been his own and he might have had a hunch of what awaited him. But not Jackie. Not Vera.
And he should have, should have somehow pulled Vera out right then, just so Vera wouldn't have to deal with such loss on her own, so desperately alone, thinking both her husband and— Christ, her unborn daughter, were dead- but he clung to the idea of catching the men responsible, the origin of this misery, just so he didn't come empty-handed... he could lull himself with the false thought that the terrible sacrifice not being it vain.
He was such a bullshitter, telling himself it was that rather than that he was simply the biggest coward in the universe.
And then. Then.
The emergency meeting in the middle of the night and Caitlin's voice.
Caitlin's voice telling him that a certain inmate had committed suicide.
Vera was dead too.
-.-.-
Ever since that night, Matt felt... hollow.
Once, there had been a raging sea of emotion, growling and trying to claw its way out – he had been calling it the devil. The devil inside him. Now he was sure that he truly did have a smidge of Satan in his heart; but strangely enough, that smidge didn't feel dark. It just felt like a void where his soul should be.
He wondered sometimes, if how was it possible to have a little cosmic black hole in his chest, but his own thoughts had become so difficult to follow.
He thought... he wondered if there was a way to fill that void and what should it be filled with. And why should he try. He wondered if ripping this emptiness out, drawing the knife that should have been implanted in him a long time ago – was it long time ago, or wasn't it, who knew what was the flow of time, what was the sense – if that would cure it. If he deserved a cure – and he knew that he didn't.
He pondered that perhaps this truly was where God came in and he couldn't help but pray whenever his thoughts were enough to grasp at to mumble a few words. Matt didn't pray for himself – oh, he had been damned a long time ago, so damned that there wasn't even a place in hell for him, he would have his own when wandering purgatory, the same emptiness that he thought was inside him – no, he prayed for Vera and for Jackie. And sometimes he dreamed of them, he dreamed in colour and with the smell of blood and salt of tears and he couldn't tell anymore if those were dreams or reality.
The reality resigned on having a shape, time and sense.
Matt would do anything to turn back time. He would give anything to kiss his wife again, the only light in his life, again. He would give his life for a chance to cradle his unborn daughter in his arms and hearing her laugh, hell, cry even. Anything.
But there was nothing; not one thing in this goddamn world, full of superpowered individuals and aliens, that could bring his family back.
He was left alone till the end of his days came and as much as could hope that his days would end quickly, he masochistically craved for them to last as long as possible – so that he would be left to suffer for many years to come, because there was no worse punishment than that for his sins.
But Vera? God, if there was a God, Matt prayed to him so she found peace in His Kingdom.
"Do you think God makes exceptions?"
In all honesty, Matt didn't think anyone would answer him – he was barely aware that he wasn't alone in the room, he had lost interest about things and people surrounding him a long time ago. He was probably similarly startled as Caitlin who jumped in her seat when she heard him speak.
He supposed it had been a while since he used his voice – the sensation in his dry throat only confirmed that.
To her credit, the scientist sounded admirably collected despite the fright he had caused her.
"What kind of exceptions?" she asked softly, spinning in her chair to him, heart racing.
Matt would feel guilty for giving her a fright, but what was a little drop in the sea of guilt he was supposed to be swimming in and had been drowning instead in, resigning on doing anything at all when he had already fucked up every good thing in his life?
Matt Murdock was guilty of many things and despite reality not making sense anymore, there were things to grasp at sometimes, like pain and the naïve hope for his wife and child. The pain from the loss alone was tearing him apart – but the guilt and regret, those were the gasoline to dip matches in and there truly were the only beacons of his meaningless existence.
"For her," Matt rasped, unable to even push her name through his lips for it felt like a blasphemy. He wasn't worth of speaking it. "Bringing-- her to Heaven. She was a good person. The best woman I've ever met."
And he had killed her. He could have as well inject her with the drug himself-- he shook his head, clutched at his aching chest and swallowed the burn of his tears. And once he started talking, no matter the scratch in his throat, he couldn't stop.
"She wasn't a believer, not literally speaking, but figuratively... when I was away, fighting with the Chaste... she would go to my church, several times a week, just to light a candle for me-- I think maybe she was praying for me too. She married a Catholic, but she wasn't baptized, only obtained a dispensation. She kill- she killed, but didn't have time to repent, because she only killed her-herself." He ignored the stab of guilt telling him exactly what a lie it was. But he still had no idea how technical God tended to get about suicide. "But she was... she was so good, so loving, she was... she was like an angel. If I knew-- if I knew she went to hell, I would follow, God, I would follow, but... do you think she might have got an exception? She would, wouldn't she?"
Salt and copper scented the air as Caitlin dug her nails into her palms a little too much, tears gathering in her eyes. Her voice carried only a fraction of pain, little broken, but inarguably kind, kinder than Matt deserved.
"I didn't know Vera as much as you did, not even close. But I met her. And from what I heard and the little I know?" she whispered gently, a hint of a smile in her voice, a tear running down her cheek. "Yes. I don't know if God makes exceptions. But if he does... she's got one."
Matt let her words sink in, revelling in the flicker of hope she had provided him, a flicker than felt like a supernova in his empty heart. Then he slowly nodded, very inconspicuous smile on his lips, small shy thing so foreign to his muscle memory. He didn't say a word out loud, but his thoughts had turned sharper, grew into a shape.
Yes, there must have been a place for them in Heaven.
It was the thinnest bit hope to hold onto, but he would, he would grab it tight and never let go, because if he did, that the last straw he could clutch onto would be gone and he just might die from grief and guilt alone.
-.-.-
Matt didn't believe in redemption – not for a redemption of his own, not after all he had done.
But as his own world, sad pathetic little world of shame and hate gained shapes, he was able to fully comprehend what a burden to the Team Flash had he become – let alone as they were stretched thin still, taking care of Central City and gathering evidence proving Vera's innocence and bringing up the conspiracy that had set off the chain of tragedies with Matt's name on it – he knew something had to change.
He might not be able to redeem himself in the eyes of God, but he could be useful to Team Flash.
Their enthusiasm about it was ridiculous, but mildly contagious. Cisco managed to fix the remnants of what he called an invisible suit ("I'll come with a better name, I swear, gimme a minute-") and suddenly there was a new mysterious sidekick to the Flash, one people whispered about and wondered if he truly existed – but Matt didn't give a damn about getting any credit.
It felt... good to do anything at all.
Matt didn't think he deserved a chance at redemption, but sometimes even the scums got something they had no right for.
And Matt's chance had the form of Barry Allen rushing in one afternoon, shooting for Caitlin and Matt to get to him as soon as possible.
Cisco breached to the cortex half a minute later.
"What's the fire about?! I didn't get any alert on my phone! Is my app broken again?" Cisco asked breathlessly, trying to tame his wild locks. "Why did you call me, Barry? I was having a great time at Jitters-"
Barry shook his head frantically, gesturing for all of them to look at what Matt supposed was a file – several papers brushing one another, the smell of ink and a light residue of a woman's perfume, distantly familiar.
"Forget about a fucking coffee," Barry blurted out, making everyone wince at the uncharacteristically crude language. Matt tasted salt in the air, both from sweat and—tears?
His brows furrowed in concern as the speedster's heart was beating even more madly than usual.
"Guys, I—you'll never believe who just paid me a visit."
"Dammit, Barry! Just tell us," Cisco grunted, crossing his arms on his chest. "What's the-"
"Is that a logo of SHIELD?!" Caitlin demanded incredulously.
Matt's heart suddenly weighted a ton. SHIELD must have found him – or they found out about Barry and that was not any better, to be honest.
"Yeah, it is, but—you don't get it, guys, you have no idea, it's a—a miracle, it's impossible, but I am impossible too and-"
"Barry, what's going on?" Matt asked, trying his best to sound coaxing despite the dread filling his lungs.
The speedster winced at the question and wordlessly opened the file and let his teammates to see.
Sharp breaths were drawn in, hearts sent into frenzy and Matt's couldn't but follow the lead despite not seeing what was inside, anxiety kicking in hard, making his breathing nearly impossible.
"Matt, uhm... I had a visit from Natasha Romanoff..." Barry said slowly, voice cracking, Matt's own breathing ragged as the only thing he was able to think about was oh fuck. "She got me this file and there's a picture too and she said that it's hundred percent true and-" Barry inhaled and exhaled shakily, stretching Matt's patience very thin. "And it really looks like Vera is alive."
Barry Allen telling him that his wife might be alive was another event that Matt would remember in the sharpest detail his whole damn life.
Because at that moment, he once again realized how dim and bland his emotions had turned – everything he had felt for last weeks and months was nothing, nothing in comparison with the intensity of emotions that hit him like a sledgehammer now.
His knees actually buckled under the weight of it, his brain freezing and overheating at the same time, his chest too full and too empty, all sense of space vanishing and for the briefest second, he would swear that his vision had returned.
Matt Murdock didn't think he deserved redemption – but he sure as hell wasn't about to look a given horse in the mouth.
-.-.-
Cisco Ramon was, without doubt, a genius. Once they swallowed the fact that Vera actually was alive – and each of them had their own way of working through the whirlwind of emotions that followed the discovery, some more than others, Matt undoubtedly the most – Cisco attempted to actually find her.
And four days in, they were none the wiser, because Cisco might have been a genius, but whoever had designed SHIELD's security system had apparently had even brighter mind, much to the team's frustrations.
Matt was obviously suffering the most – but he revelled in it, moments of utter despair and frustration, rage searing hot inside him aimed at everyone who had hurt her in her time as a SHIELD agent, alternating with those where he wanted to do nothing but tear his hair out and fall to his knees under the weight of guilt – because not only that he had hurt her himself, indescribably so, but he had chased her straight into that life. And what more, he had had no clue she still had a life to live for so long and the whole time she had been catching blows and bullets he could have been keeping her safe, or at least safer. But he hadn't.
He lost count of the times he had snapped at someone from the moment they had found out. Spitting insults around and punching things worked well for him as a point of release from the bubbling ache and anger in his chest, but his brain was useless – he was useless, period.
Luckily, Caitlin wasn't. And even if she cringed slightly at approaching someone else for help with such a delicate situation... there were out of options. They needed a better hacker.
And Cisco and Matt were the beggars.
The portal was left opened a fraction as Cisco made his way to the 'Arrow Cave' in Staring City, allowing Matt to hear what was going on, letting him know just how effectively he startled Felicity – and Oliver by her side.
Good news was that no one got shot... yet.
"Oh Cisco, hey," Felicity breathed out, her heart racing with the fright the breacher gave her. "Hey. How are you doing? I'm so proud of you guys for putting all the evidence together..."
Matt winced as did Cisco when the woman commented on their long-time crusade to clear Vera's name— her name wasn't Vera anymore though, Matt thought bitterly, his stomach twisting at the reminder. They were trying to clear a name of a dead woman, that much they had known – but now they knew that the actual person, the only thing that mattered, wasn't nearly as dead as they had believed.
Though she might as well be; because being a SHIELD agent could be nothing but Russian roulette. And Vera, it seemed, had been playing all in— fuck, all the injuries Barry read out for him- Matt felt the nausea hit him all over again, his hands clenched into fists and yet trembling. How did she even survive that much?
Was it a miracle? Or was it a punishment?
"Hi, Felicity... Oliver," Cisco greeted them lowly, a drop of guilt creeping into his voice already.
"Hi, Cisco. What brings you to Starling?"
The young engineer sighed at Oliver's inviting tone and subtly waved the file at them.
"This. You might not be so proud of us in about a minute... I know I'm not."
Felicity chuckled lightly, genuinely baffled. "What are you talking about?"
Matt sensed the spike of energy as the portal widened for him and with a deep inhale, heart in his throat and stomach at his feet, he cautiously walked in, for once grateful he couldn't see anyone's facial expression.
The spike in the blood pressure, the stumble of their heartbeats, their breathing wavering and the sound of an arrow drawn and bowstring stretched, those were more than enough.
Matt was just glad that Oliver only aimed at him and hadn't released the arrow just yet.
Though there was no doubt that he would deserve that – and perhaps even welcomed the sensation, because physical pain was always easier for him to bite though than the emotional one.
"What the hell is this?!" Felicity hissed, rising from her chair, taking a step aside to circle Oliver from behind. She was clearly not afraid – and Matt had quickly had his hunch confirmed that fear would not be the dominant emotion here today. Anger would. "Was it the Pit? Did you somehow get him to Nanda Parbat?!"
Matt had no idea what any of those words meant, but Oliver only grumbled, shifting in attempt to stop Felicity from coming any closer to them.
"No, he's... he's Matt Murdock. All himself," Cisco whispered reluctantly, head hung in anticipation of a verbal combat.
"Cisco, what the hell are you talking about?" Felicity asked slowly, her voice cracking, salt spicing the heavy air. Matt gulped and finally found courage to speak.
"I never got murdered."
"I'm sorry-- what?! How is that-"
"I saw it happen. We were able to stop it... but we faked his death in order to catch the criminal organization that was about to kill him."
Silence fell on the space, the infamous calm before the storm brewing – Matt could almost taste the electricity on his tongue, his chest growing tighter. Judgement would come, soon, and he told himself he was ready for it – and maybe he wasn't, but he needed their help.
Oliver lowered his bow the same moment Felicity inhaled and stalked forward.
"You did WHAT?!"
And Matt saw what was coming. He didn't stop her.
The slap that echoed through the bunker stung on his cheek, burning pain, the force behind the blow actually making his head snap to side- and he welcomed it. Her hand curled into a fist and she made a motion with her foot that told Matt to brace himself for a very well-aimed kick from the usually sweet blond, but she never delivered, cursing under her breath, her chest heaving as she stood face to face with him, grinding her teeth while Cisco just drew in a sharp breath.
It didn't escape Matt's attention that Oliver didn't interfere at all – or spoke ever since their revelation.
"Are you out of your FUCKING mind?! Both of you! Hell, all of you!"
"We couldn't let him die-" Cisco protested, but was instantly cut off by another shriek tasting of salt of Felicity's tears of righteous anger – and grief.
"And now VERA IS DEAD! And she was the one to find your. Damn. Corpse!" Three blows of her palm to Matt's chest – and once again, he let her. "She lost her baby!"
It was the verbal blow that hit Mat like a ton of bricks, a bullet straight to his heart he had earned.
Her baby.
Jackie was gone; and she had been Vera's. Matt wasn't even worthy of the title of a father and it felt like searing hot ember on his bare feet, stuffed into his insides – but he couldn't bring himself to protest, to disprove her exclaim.
He just felt his eyes fill with tears.
"Felicity..." Oliver took a step forward to be closer to them, maybe to stop her from being more violent, such an unusual behaviour for her. But Matt didn't blame her; she was just that upset and she had every right. The archer laid a palm on her shoulder, his breathing ragged, voice hard. "What are you two doing here?"
"We know all this. We messed it up in the worst way imaginable-" Cisco started slowly, once again interrupted by Felicity spitting venom.
"You're damn right you did! You ruined two lives!"
Three, in fact, but Matt's own was unsignificant in this complex picture.
"Felicity, sweetheart... Cisco, you're here to us this for a reason. Why?"
"...because we need your help."
While Matt could feel Oliver's anger flare with intensity, it was once again Felicity who burst out.
"Our HELP?! You got some nerve showing up here! Our help-" she parroted sarcastically, her laugh a little broken, her palm covering her mouth to muffle a sob blending with an angry grunt.
"Actually, it's mainly yours, Felicity," Matt explained lowly, earning another incredulous chuckle as she started pacing.
"My- you want my help? What on Earth gives you the impression I'm going to help you after what you did to my friend?"
"This file," Cisco said matter-of-factly.
"What's in it?" Oliver asked, while Felicity walked away mumbling under her breath and massaging the bridge of her nose as if a headache started building because of the stress they had brought with them.
"It's a file on a SHIELD agent Nicole Davis. We need to pinpoint her location, but I can't crack the code. I tried, for days now. It's protected by a Stark system."
The emotions ran high, but with the anger, suddenly there was confusion in the mix. Not that Felicity let them know she felt that, her tone icy.
"Why do you need it?"
Hope ignited in Matt's chest. She was a good person, truly good. Even so endlessly angry with them, she couldn't quite refuse to land a helping hand.
"You're not going to believe me. You need to see for yourself," Cisco stated and shook his head, stepping forward and handing them the file.
Felicity walked to them but didn't even touch the file, unimpressed, exhausted.
"Just tell us, Cisco. I'm in no mood for games."
Oliver was more hands-on. He picked up the file, opening it, probably quickly skimming the text – and Matt could pinpoint exactly the moment he saw the photo, because his pulse skyrocketed, his breath hitching.
"It there any chance that it's photoshopped?" he demanded, the same flicker of hope Matt felt creeping into his voice. It solidified when Cisco shook his head.
"Not unless you want to call Black Widow a liar."
Matt was positive Oliver raised an eyebrow, but he beckoned for Felicity to come over, gently handing her the file.
Her eyes must have gone straight for the photo, because her reaction was immediate.
"What the fuck is going on here?" she questioned, her voice breaking at the curse. "Is this—is this a metahuman? Is it- how—wait you think this could actually be her? Was she in the Pit?"
"Doubt it. It's more likely that SHIELD found her in the prison, having connected the dots about her being... well, her. Recruited her and faked her suicide."
Matt still winced at the word even if they now knew that Vera had not taken her own life. It still felt like a punch to his solar plexus.
"...okay. Okay. Let's pretend for a second that it doesn't sound absolutely insane. You want me to do what exactly?"
"Find her team if she has one, or just find her, really," Matt explained carefully, once again preparing for the storm to come. He was not disappointed – but he was.
"So you could do what? Tell her that you're not dead and take this mess to another level? No! I'm not gonna be a part of this. If this is— if this really is Vera, she's better off without you. Just leave her alone!"
Matt had expected such reaction, it was a perfectly reasonable one – but it still stung more than the literal slap. More so when Oliver didn't disagree.
"I just... I just need to see that she's okay, Felicity. Please."
"I'm not buying that," she noted, crossing her arms on her chest. Dammit, stubborn woman, he hadn't come this far only to have her say no!
"I want to make sure she's safe-"
"Of course she's not safe, she's a freaking government agent!" Felicity snapped back and Matt's blood suddenly boiled, an automatic reaction to pain.
"I know that! Okay? I just want to try-"
"Don't you think you've done enough? Messed her up enough already? What do you think is gonna happen when you show up, Matt? Huh?! You think she'll jump into your arms and you'll kiss it all better?!"
"I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A HAPPY END!" Matt roared, the words out before he could stop himself, his throat hurting from the volume his vocal cords produced, his fists clenched tight and begging him to punch something, anything, just to release this all-consuming pressure inside him, because he hated it, he fucking HATED IT, but he spoke the truth and he had been thinking too much and bottling his emotions for too long. "Goddammit! I'm not, okay? I know I fucked up, I know I lost any right to be in her life a long time ago-- you have no idea, no idea, what I would do to take it back-- anything, Felicity. Anything. I got my daughter killed, I got my wife killed, and maybe she's not dead but just in this file, there's a record of her having broken bones, being shot, stabbed and—and having a building fallen on her."
Jesus fucking Christ, a damn building, and he hadn't been there and it was just so fucking ironic-
Matt couldn't see anyone stare at him for over twenty years now – but the stunned silence that followed the outburst, that he could hear and he could sense those astonished and absolutely horrified stares – and he cared for neither as few hot tears ran down his cheeks.
His body was trebling under the weight of his confession, his throat hurting from shouting; he didn't feel any better getting it all out, but by God, he hoped, he prayed that his point got across. He truly couldn't even begin to hope that Vera would ever want to as much as see him again, but God, merciful and cruel God, he needed to see her, to watch over her, because he had fucked up enough.
The least he could do was to keep her safe – even if his preferred solution would be just breach her out of the spiderweb of danger she tangled herself in; in a spiderweb he had helped to spin.
He inhaled shakily, attempting to slow his ragged breathing before breaking the silence.
"I swear, I don't want to try to interfere with her life again. She'll never even see me. I know that whatever we had is beyond saving, I have that much sanity left. But please, Felicity. Please," he pleaded with all he had, having half a mind to just fall to his knees to beg.
The lack of knowledge of Vera's whereabouts and the last shed of her well-being, the physical need to shelter her from harm had been rooted in him for too long – and how it flared brighter in him than ever. And he wasn't above doing anything to get what he wanted.
"Help me to keep-- my wife as safe as possible. Help me keep your friend safe."
The last sentence was a dirty pool – and the flash of anger he could sense from Felicity only proved it. But still, she yielded, he could sense that too.
"You fucking bastard."
A smile broke on his tear-stained face, pained, but endlessly grateful.
"Thank you, Felicity. You can't imagine how much that means to me."
She only grunted, snatching the file and making her way to her set of computers, heels clicking angrily as she went.
"Oh I do.... Dammit I should have slapped you harder."
-.-.-
Matt didn't think he was naïve – but Christ, he had not been prepared to see Vera flirting with death with such determination.
Hell, he hadn't been ready to be close to her again; the onslaught on his senses once he was in her proximity – and she had passed him, so many times, all he could have to do was to reach out just a few inches and he would feel her warmth, even over the miraculous technology he had all over him, once Cisco brought to utter perfection.
And God, did he want to touch her. Feel her. And steal her, just tie her up in the damn plane until the battle was over.
But he remembered his promise to Felicity; more so, he remembered his promise to himself. He wouldn't reveal himself, he wouldn't approach her. Despite the crazy amount of danger, she had a good thing going; she had friends, she had a team with a kind-hearted leader, she had people watching her back, caring for her – and he was simply one of them, but hidden in the shadows.
Hidden in the shadows most of the time anyway. With Cisco's breaching device, he could easily teleport – and how crazy was that – and he had often used the convenience, more than once to pop out of nowhere, obviously, but also to disappear after he managed to get his suit ripped which resulted in the area with affected circuit to turn visible.
He would always get ripped a new once after brining the damaged suit, never too much, but enough, apparently – but each and every time was worth it. He was helping to keep Vera a fraction safer when he could. Of course, certain limitations were still present, mostly his own; he couldn't very well disarm a damn bomb, especially when he didn't have Cisco on the line (which was most times). Other times, while his primary objective was to protect Vera, he had to watch himself so the rumour wouldn't start spreading about an invisible fighter being on SHIELD's side.
And then... Jesus Christ, then Vera took that damn job undercover with that—murderous pig, practically blowing her whole identity, the real identity no less, and Matt knew from the start that it could never end good, even wondering if she had finally snapped and lost her mind.
He wanted to pull her out before it even started, but it wasn't just her life on the line. He tried to respect her choice, to stay out, but dammit, that was just another mistake. He should have known that as successful as her mission proved to be... she wouldn't complete it unscathed.
-.-.-
Matt would have been impressed with the large aircraft just landing in a backyard of the mansion, but he had become rather familiar with it – and with Agent May being an extremely capable pilot too.
Agent Ward was everything but fond of him, mostly learning about who Matt was from his earpiece, but he acted professional and understood what had to be done. So he carried Vera towards the aircraft while Matt applied pressure and pretended that the smell of blood and the idea of losing Vera yet again was not making him nauseous.
And the sensation did not subdue with the ramp falling down to welcome them, two more people – Agent Coulson and Fitz rushing down with a stretcher, while the extraction team took care of the criminals.
"She needs a doctor, right now," Matt barked, his anxiety creeping into his voice – probably along his frustration that this was happening dammit. He was pissed at Vera for putting herself at risk like that and ending up hurt, but he could hardly call her out at it at the moment – or ever.
"We can see that," the Brit hissed as Matt was forced to ease the pressure in order to let Ward lay Vera down and help them to get her back to the jet. "Wow, I really thought you were just a fata morgana."
Matt ignored the awkward and absolutely inappropriate remark.
"You have blood for her stocked somewhere? Because if not, she's my type."
"We can see that," Ward muttered under his breath and Matt wished he could shoot him a glare that would kill on spot.
"Not really time for jokes, Ward," Coulson reprimanded him swiftly, a light tremble to his breathy voice. His heart was beating its was out of his chest – Matt could see without any effort that he cared for Vera dearly.
Good.
"Sorry," the agent shot them an apology, surprisingly heartfelt. "I'm a little bit nervous about this guy we know pretty much nothing about being on the plane with us."
"Well, we all are a little nervous about the fact we have another ghost on board," Fitz noted, pulling on gloves while the rest of them strolled Vera's unconscious body to the lab slash operating room, where Simmons already waited, fully prepared.
At least someone, dammit, Matt thought, his chest feeling tighter with each weak beat of Vera's heart. What the fuck the quip about a ghost meant?
"I don't know what that means, but if you don't get her help soon, she will be one! So get fucking moving or I'm moving her elsewhere!"
"Moving her how exactly?" Ward questioned Matt's angry exclaims and he just grunted in return. He was not about to explain how Cisco's breaching devices worked, but unless they got into work the next second, he'd just use it and disappeared like he had been doing for the past months he had been following the quinjet around.
"Blood type?" Simmons asked swiftly and made a hush-hush gesture at all of them so she had space to move around.
"A-," Fitz read from a nearby screen, the words blending with the ones Matt spoken, confirming it.
"You're compactible?" Simmons clearly addressed Matt despite already hovering over Vera and the equipment, already working; Matt always considered her a godsent.
"That's what I said. She donated me hers before."
"Good to know. I think we have enough, but stay around just in case we'd have to use... less usual methods."
Matt gulped, feeling as if the glass walls were closing in along with the ramp of the quinjet and thanked God that the big boss clearly had nothing against having him on board – because fighting with the team so they would let him stay would only be a waste of time.
"I didn't plan on leaving."
-.-.-
Eventually, everyone but Fitz and Simmons cleared the room, getting out of the way. Matt remained on the lower level, right behind the door to the lab the whole time, needing to hear every little development – and when he heard Vera's heart stop at one point, he was certain that his heart gave out as well.
Time dragged uncomfortably, but at least he was left alone while the rest of the team debriefed on the mission – and on him. In what felt like an eternity, he was allowed in Vera's improvised hospital room while Fitz-Simmons went to speak with others in his previous spot – just so he would always be on sight, he assumed.
He couldn't care less for their proximity and their words.
He had Vera literally lying at his fingertips and he didn't have a reason to flee just yet; he certainly couldn't find the strength to do so. Not when he could hold her clammy cold hand, letting his very being sink into the sound of both the heart monitor and her heart itself, into her breathing and the rustle of fabric shifting with each inhale and exhale.
"He's cuter than I thought he would be," Skye hummed, lightly tapping at the tablet in her hands.
Matt couldn't but smile a little at that; he might not be exactly spying on the team 24/7, but he had got to learn about their dynamics during the mission. He liked Skye; she reminded him of Terri, the bright soul at Vera's side.
"He's much more alive than I thought," Ward responded in kind, few approving grunts following.
"Blinder than I thought." That was Simmons, the doctor. Matt was grateful to her more than anyone for she had patched Vera up on so many occasions and downright saved her life that he would worship the land she walked on for the rest of his life.
"Matthew Michael Murdock. A blind lawyer. Was one, anyway.... Is one?" Skye questioned, reading the intel on him. "Oh my god. She was actually accused of his murder. That's terrible. And— oh."
Matt stiffened, not very comfortable with that – but he knew it was only natural that they wanted to learn about the unknown variable he was. He calmed his frantic heart by lifting Vera's hand and pressing a light kiss to the back of her hand. He was aware that he had no right – but was it truly so wrong of him to steal a little moment to shower her with the most innocent affection, making sure she was here, real and alive under his touch, when she couldn't send him away?
"What is it?" Simmons whispered, sensing a shift in the air and Matt felt darkness envelop his being, cold shiver running down his spine, a stab of pain in his gut.
He knew what Skye discovered – he didn't want to even think about it.
"Nothing! Never mind. They got enough evidence against it and caught the real killers, which was some serious conspiracy there, but that was too late."
Coulson cleared his throat. "Yes. And that's already more than we need to know. The evidence came after she agreed to join us and dropped off the face of the Earth. It wasn't... she wasn't at her best when I found her, but you already knew that. You called her an Ice Queen."
"Well, given what she had been through, I think we can't hold it against her. Gee, I feel like an asshole," Skye muttered, once again brining a light smile to Matt's lips – even if he hated hearing that Vera hadn't fit well at first. But how could she? If she had been hurting as he had; and she had been hurting more, he was certain of it, even if he couldn't imagine how would it be possible to be consumed by more pain than he had been... and still was.
"I still cannot believe it. She dated a blind vigilante. Did he come back from death? Should we run some tests?" Simmons questioned, no doubt turning to their leader.
"I don't know. We don't even know how he knew where to find us – how he kept finding us. But for now, all we have is a belief that he wouldn't do anything to harm her, potentially us. I'm afraid these questions will have to wait. 'Cause I don't think there's a force in this universe that would get him from her side now."
Matt could feel all pairs of eyes burning into the back of his head – but he didn't move a muscle. The only thing that mattered was that for now, he was apparently allowed to stay.
"You didn't know he was alive, did you?"
"No, Skye. I didn't." Coulson sighed. "I don't know what happened and I don't think Vera does either. They'll have a lot to talk about."
He certainly got that right – and so did Simmons, ominously confirming his words.
"I think that's an understatement of the year, sir."
-----Notes:
That awkward moment when character A fakes their death, mostly because of the death of character B and then proceeds to find that character B also only faked their death. Are you lost yet?
The Lazarus Pit is a mystical Pit in Nanda Parbat, home to the League of Assassins. In Arrow, they used it for brining Sara Lance back to life, but for terrible a price – her soul, which only returned after they teamed up with Constantin.
Sorry if the whole cloning Matt's body thing feels to farfetched to you – I really used the metahuman who was in The Flash in episode 2 in fact, aka Multiplex (originally Captain Clone).
Thank you for reading if you're still here ♥