Whaaat? Red updating early??
A blessing and a curse😏
—————
The third alarm for you to wake up this morning went off as you got dressed, and you turned it off with an optimistic air, you didn't want to disappoint Louie this time, and you were off to a good start with half an hour to spare before Philip picked you up.
Speaking of which, you hoped he would wake up, you had sent a good morning text when you woke up, and he still hadn't responded, that was weird, specially since he was usually the one who sent them first.
Not paying it too much mind you strutted downstairs and straight for the coffee pot, it was gonna be a long day, probably longer than you could imagine.
There was a cold breeze rustling the trees outside, but other than that it was a nice day, your good mood from yesterday still wasn't washing away, the excitement to get news from the apartment had you constantly checking your email and planning ahead of yourself, eager to have your own space, especially if it was that one, you had a great feeling about it.
The doorbell rung bringing you back from your imaginary decorating of the living room, and you checked your bag to make sure you had everything you needed, a small prick of guilt stabbed your stomach when you reached the doorknob, remembering that you had to keep up the lie in front of Philip, and who knew for how long? Wasn't it worse if you just kept on lying until he found out? Wouldn't it be worse if he didn't find out from you??
You shook your head, it wasn't even that big of a lie, just a small one, you were worried, you didn't want your mom to have an attitude and make him feel bad, he could understand that when you apologized right?
-Morning...- you heard him say with a small smile while you closed the door behind you.
-Good morning!- you smiled, hooking your arms around his neck to kiss him, you felt him hum against your lips before you pulled away.
It bummed you out that you couldn't ramble to him about the apartment, about how pretty it looked with those huge windows that let so much light in and how you hoped that it wouldn't be unbearable during the summer, and you thought about this for the first portion of the ride while he rubbed lazy circles on your thigh with his thumb.
-So how was your day yesterday? Everything alright at the store?- you initiated the conversation before you went ahead and rambled about your stuff.
He made a 'meh' sound, the corner of his mouth tugging in an expression that paired the lazy noise, and he tilted his head from side to side.
-Let me guess, Paul.- you stated with a closed smile.
Without taking his eyes off the road, he smirked at your knowledge and squeezed you thigh, you furrowed your brows, he was awfully quiet for...well, for being Philip. He turned when he felt you still looking at him, and spoke.
-He just thinks I'm like an "irresponsible teenager" that's all...- he sighed- Nothing new in my family...-
That last statement caught your attention, the Paul thing wasn't something unusual at this point, and maybe the family thing either, but they weren't in place here. You realized then that this was one of those moments where he actually shows how he feels about his family's treatment towards him, you've seen this before.
-Why do you say that?- you asked casually, looking back at the road as to not scare him off.
The car turned and from your periphery you saw him clench his jaw a little before his hand rubbed up your thigh and he turned to you for a second with a small smile.
-Well, being the cutest comes with a price- he said proudly before focusing back on the road.
It didn't work. His comment sounded like he was putting an end to the subject, and that was most likely his goal, to get you to roll your eyes at him and smile, but truth was this little actions didn't go unnoticed to you, he always seemed to quietly try and let out some of his baggage, but then draw back quickly as if he did something he wasn't supposed to.
-Why do you always do that?- your voice was quiet and nice, again, trying not to come off too strong.
-Do what?- he didn't look at you, but his brow drew confusion.
-That.- you pointed out- You start talking about something that bothers you and then you make a joke to divert the subject-
-It was just a joke- he defended.
-Okay then...tell me more about what you said before, what was Paul talking about?- you shrugged, mimicking his oh so casual demeanor.
You felt his hand draw away from your thigh to grip at the wheel, a little tighter than before as his face went from neutral to neutral-serious.
-It's no big deal okay? I shouldn't have said anything...- he sighed, muttering the last part.
You knew that attitude perfectly, he was being defensive, and kind of petty, which was getting you irritated.
-Look i just want you to talk to me...- you said calmly.
-Well, I don't want to talk about it with you.- he mocked your tone.
Okay, that was uncalled for.
-Oh really?- you scoffed- And who would you rather talk about it with?- you shrugged, almost sarcastically.
-I don't know maybe a therapist, you know the people who you are supposed to talk about stuff with.- he raised his brows at you, his tone exasperated.
He was talking to you as if you were the one exaggerating or overreacting, he was being defensive, and it wasn't fair, not to mention you felt like you were being pushed away, which didn't feel nice at all. You thought you had built some type of trust so far, from the beginning you were never shy to talk to him about your feelings, so why was he?
Maybe it's some toxic masculinity shit...
-I just don't understand why you wouldn't feel comfortable talking to me, i feel comfortable talking to you!-
The corners of his lips tugged upwards and so did his brows, and out of his mouth came something between a scoff and a laugh. You widened your eyes, feeling the car slowing down as you approached your destination, but there was no way you were leaving this here.
-What??- you asked, actually confused and offended.
-Alright, you wanna talk?- he turned- How about we talk about the fact that you never want me around when your mom's around because she hates that we're together.- he leaned closer with affirmation- Don't think I haven't noticed.-
Now it was your turn to scoff, sure maybe she didn't like him, but she does now.
-You don't know what you're talking about.-
-Ohh see, you don't feel comfortable talking about that do you?- again, his tone sounded mocking, you didn't like it.
-No, because it's not true!-
-Really?? It's not true??- more sarcasm.
-No!- you exclaimed.
-Right, okay!- he gestured with his hands- How did your mom like the apartment by the way...Hm??-
There was a second of silence before he said it where you think maybe the argument was over, and then you felt your stomach sink.
-You knew about that?- your voice had lowered back to a normal volume.
-Of course i fucking knew, but you know what? I wasn't gonna say anything, i was gonna let it slide because I understood that maybe it was a touchy subject for you. But since you want us to share and talk about everything!- his hands moved around dramatically.
So he did hear your mom over the phone, and he never said anything. Now it all came back to you, and suddenly you noticed why he was so cool with you blowing him off at the last second, why his tone was so short over the phone last night.
But he was also trying to change the roles around, and you weren't having it. Or was it the other way around?
-I don't want you to share everything i just want to know what bothers you!!You never talk about that! You always evade the subject and that's not good!!- your voice was loud again in your frustration at him.
-Why does it bother you so much!? How do you know what's good for me??- he almost groaned.
-I don't know it's just my opinion because I'm your girlfriend and i WORRY about your closed off ass!!-
-Noo no don't turn this around, you're the one who LIED!- he shook his head, now you were both yelling.
-Is that it? Is that your whole argument??-
-Yeah!-
He nodded at you like he had just won a competition with tight odds, it made your blood boil, and you were also reminding yourself that you currently didn't have time for any of this, he was being so difficult and it was starting to hurt.
-WELL I DIDNT FUCKING WANT TO LIE OKAY?? IM SORRY! ARE YOU HAPPY???-
-FANTASTIC!-
You were already out of the car and slamming the door in fury when he yelled this, and as soon as you stepped onto the sidewalk he drove off with a screech of his wheels that could light the asphalt on fire, you wanted to scream and groan at his attitude, he wasn't being fair, you were just trying to be a good, caring girlfriend, you weren't even trying you just wanted to be it. But you couldn't be around him when he acted like that, thankfully he wasn't your ride back, after a good amount of deep breaths, you stomped over to the place where you'd be working.
Louie and Erica had gotten there about fifteen minutes before you, or maybe they didn't, you honestly didn't know how long you were arguing with Philip on the street. You helped set up, your frown set tight on your forehead and your scowl still plastered on your face, you couldn't contain it, but you would have to force yourself to if you wanted to cause a good impression.
Tedious after tedious hour was spent with you fake smiling and rushing around to take everything on time, you really wanted to enjoy today, like Louie seemed to be, proud of catering such a large event, but your head was still buzzing with your fight with Philip, your first fight, you reminded yourself, but that wasn't something worth pointing out.
-Hey, Louie said if we want to we can take the next half hour as a break- Erica walked into the kitchen with a sigh, plopping down on a chair.
-I'm good, thanks- you tried saying as nicely as possible.
-Are you sure? You've been working non stop i think you deserve it..- she tilted her head.
Truth be told, work was working as a nice piece of distraction as of right now, or that's what you kept convincing yourself of, you didn't want your mind to keep going over and over Philip's petty tone in his voice or the way he just drove off like a fucking maniac, yes you were doing so even while twisting the frosting filled sleeve over the small pastries, but at least you also had to be focused on this so you could focus less on that.
You felt like a steam locomotive with it's chimney closed up, having nowhere to let all the hot, pressuring steam out, you kept having to remind yourself that you were at work, and you couldn't get distracted or explode right then and there, every few minutes you would unconsciously let out a noticeably exasperated sigh of huff, just wanting to be done so you could either go home and scream into a pillow, or talk Erica's ears away.
Speaking of whom, she could see your shitty humor from miles away, but you were sure at this point it wasn't surprising, it was literally palpable.
-You okay?- she asked quietly as you step up one of the tables with all your arrays of sweets.
-Yeah, why?- you answered out of instinct.
-Look no offense, but you look like you could cut someone's throat right now- she half joked.
You cocked a brow at how accurate that description was, you were in fact feeling quite violent, your leg was tapping away at all the pent up anger and your head was starting to ache. You were already resenting Philip for ruining your first big job catering.
-Sorry, I swear I'm fine i just...-you sighed- Had a fight with Philip. It's wasn't nice.- you kept your gaze focused on your task.
-Sounds like it sucked...- she looked over at you again.
Just then one of the costumers came around asking for Louie and, to your delight, complimented you on the food so far, that drew a smile on your face, at least this was going well. You gave Erica a look that read "I'll tell you when we finish this" and went back to plating, she gave you an assertive nod, she knew she was in for a never ending furious rant, you were grateful she was willing to listen to you.
-Right...- you sighed, walking back into the kitchen- We fought because he doesn't talk to me.- you resumed- I mean he does talk to me, but he doesn't talk to me, y'know?-
Today made you realize how little Philip shared with you, his dad passed away less than a year ago and he never showed even the minimum amount of grief with you, you never knew if he was heart broken about it or if he didn't suffer too much because he wasn't close to him, not to mention every other thing that seemed to be going on in his head, you knew he thought his family thought little of him, but why? Why did he feel that way? What had gotten him to think like that?
-Oh trust me i know...- Erica agreed with a smile- It's like nothing ever bothers them-
-Exactly!!- you exclaimed- But with Philip, it's different in the sense that I know something's bothering him, because i see it, i hear it, but then he makes a joke or a flirtatious comment and totally dodges his own feelings, it's like he's afraid I'll notice...-
-He probably feels like he can't talk about it, maybe it's toxic masculinity...-
-Yeah I thought that too...- you shook your head, thinking- Do you think I'm totally out of place? Like it shouldn't bother me? Maybe I should leave him alone...-
-I mean, I don't think so, you could leave him alone yes, but it's not nice to never know how your partner feels about certain stuff.- you nodded, agreeing- You're his girlfriend, of course you want to know, of course you're worried, maybe he's not used to that?- she shrugged.
-Thank you!- you exclaimed with your arms extended, happy to hear you weren't crazy- And i dunno, maybe? I wouldn't know, but how could he ever have other relationships where no one cared about him like that?-
The idea sounded vague and unusual to you, and also pretty sad, you were placing fondant decorations while you thought about it, maybe you should buy his mom's book, see if that gave you any idea of what was it about him shutting off as quickly as that. Coming to think of it buying a book literally about all of his puberty was the most ironic answer to your question.
-Is Toby like that?- you asked Erica, seeing you had been quiet for a bit.
-Not really, the guy before him was, I remember his dad had passed away in a car accident when they were coming back from school when he was like seven, and he never told me, when i asked him why he said 'well, i dunno, you never asked...'-
Okay that may be a little more extreme than Philip, still, same point, kinda. You both shared a confused and shocked look at the anecdote and she chuckled at the mimicked action, you were starting to cool off, but were still tense at the thought of talking to him, 'maybe not today' you thought to yourself, thinking about the anger and speed with which he drove off after you fought.
Coincidentally, just as you were thinking that, Louie came over to help you and to mention your phone was buzzing and going off in the pocket of your bag, you frowned, but brushed it off, people didn't usually call you, and the ones who did knew you were at work and busy, you wondered if maybe it was Philip trying to reach you, but you didn't think so.
After everything was done and the three of you cleaned, packed everything and waited for Louie to get your paychecks for the day, you washed your face in the bathroom in an attempt to relax as well as stretching, feeling your back crack a few times.
-Need a chiro?- Erica teased.
-More like a full body massage...- you groaned, the idea sounded amazing actually.
Thankfully Erica was your ride back, it was around six when you were finally ready to leave, when you took your phone out to check who was bothering, you found it completely blown off, as in around twelve calls from your mom, with another dozen of texts from her and yet more calls and voicemails from an unknown number which, upon checking the texts that also matched it, you found out was Paul.
Turns out you weren't way off when you thought it had something to do with Philip.
A frown of confusion formed in your brow as your steps halted, reading all of the texts at light speed while Erica turned to ask you if everything was alright, holding her car keys between her fingers, you didn't read all of the texts carefully, but you distinguished the same two words in almost every one of them.
"Philip" and "Accident"