• • •
𝕤𝕪𝕕𝕟𝕖𝕪
I woke up in a better mood. I still felt like shit, but it was better.
I had breakfast with everyone and watched a movie on the couch. Chase and I had a playful argument over yesterday's sheet problem— nearly ending in me throwing his own bedsheets off the balcony until Madelyn made us stop. Everything felt normal again except for the fact that I felt a little distracted. Rudy was distant... I don't blame him, I ended our conversation yesterday on a rough note— it makes sense, I guess.
Everything was going okay until Jacob called me into the studio. This morning made me forget about the album and the current problems with it— but as soon as he mentioned it, I quickly came down from my high.
But now, I'm currently right back to where I was yesterday. Sitting at the desk of my studio, empty notebook in front of me and a worried Kelsie on my left— and now, a stressed Jacob on my right.
"Syd, we promised from the get go that we wouldn't have writers help you out with your songs. You wanted them to be completely raw..." Jacob trails off, running his hands through his hair that is now a tousled mess due to the amount of times he's pulled at it.
"I know, I know," I mumble, nervously picking at my nails. "I just- I have no inspiration. I cant— I don't mean to disappoint you guys, but I have nothing." I apologise, feeling awfully guilty.
Every time I try to think of something to write about, my mind goes completely blank. There's nothing, absolutely nothing. I've been trying my hardest... I even stayed up late last night trying to figure something out— but I was left with yet again a blank page.
"I don't mean to be an asshole," Jacob starts. "But we need some songs soon as possible. If we don't get this done— we are going to lose so much money. I don't want to disappoint your fans either, I know how much you love them."
I nod my head, chewing on the inside of my cheek. "I understand... again, I'm so sorry."
He lets out a sigh. "I'm going to leave... I'm stressed and I know it's making you feel even worse," he says, picking up his bag from the floor and rising from his seat. "I'll catch you both later."
Kelsie and I watch at he walks out of the studio in a rush, leaving the two of us in silence. Kelsie slowly turns back around to face me, a look of sympathy on her face.
"Tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours." she says, her London accent making her words seem professional and posh.
I put my head in my hands. "I can't write. I miss home. I'm disappointing you guys. I just—" I let out a frustrated sigh. "I don't know anymore, Kels. Lately I've been feeling like shit... I've never felt like this."
She nods understandingly. "You've got a lot on your plate at the moment, it's normal to feel this way... but at the moment, Syd— we need to get some songs started..."
Of course... it's all about the stupid fucking songs and getting this album out on time.
I don't respond, looking at the ground and fiddling with the pen in my hands— now feeling super overwhelmed. "I think I'm gonna head home."
"Sydney-"
I stand up from my seat and grab my bag, heading for the door.
"Sydney, wait."
I turn to Kelsie as I pull on the door handle. "Don't worry, I'll try to write some more songs or whatever— that's all you and Jacob care about anyway."
"That's not-"
"Goodbye, Kels."
And with that, I walk out of the studio with no progress once again.
• • •
It's quiet when I return to the apartment.
I knew I was going to be home alone from the get go due to the 'we're not home, stay away from my bedsheets you loser - daddy chase' that was written in rather sloppy writing on the whiteboard. I was fine with that, it gave me a quiet place to chill out for a bit.
Though, only the message on the whiteboard was wrong. I definitely wasn't expecting to see Rudy sprawled out on the couch when I walked through the apartment and I'm sure he wasn't expecting to see me either.
"Oh-" he mutters, moving so he's sitting up on the couch. "Hey, you're home early..."
I can tell he hasn't moved from this spot for a while due to the movie that he's halfway through and the fact that he's still in sweats. Looking at him now, I can't help but notice that this is probably the first thing he's actually said to me today apart from the quick 'good morning' at breakfast.
I stand there awkwardly, tightly grasping the strap of my bag. "Yeah... didn't get much done so I got sent home early. No biggie."
I mean, half of that's true.
"Didn't get much done?" he asks, making me bite my lip. "I thought you'd nearly be done by now— I mean, you wrote so many songs."
I feel myself start to feel a little upset, but I keep reminding myself that it's not his fault. He obviously can't read minds and definitely has no clue about what's been happening this past week, therefore I need to push it aside. I mean, I also haven't really spoken to him... I haven't really spoken to anyone for that matter.
"I- um... they didn't get accepted... yeah." I trail off, moving my gaze to the floor. It was a brief explanation— i didn't want to leave him with nothing.
"What?" he asks, a little shocked. My heart beats a little faster when he gets up off the couch and moves closer to me— the familiar scent of vanilla invading my senses. "What do you mean they didn't accept it?"
I breathe in deeply. "They didn't like the songs. They didn't... It wasn't raw enough, apparently." I say, slightly stammering as I try to explain.
I don't like talking about my feelings, and I don't like being open about it. It makes me feel like I'm just throwing my problems onto other people and I hate it.
"...do you want to talk about it?" he slowly asks.
No.
"Actually," I say, taking a step back. I wince when I see the rejection settle in on his face. "I think I'm just gonna head to my room. I need to write a few more songs and what not... I'm sorry, Rudy, but I don't really have time." I explain, trying to be as honest with him as i'll let myself.
He eventually shakes his head, glancing at the ground. "No, that's okay... do what you need."
I give him a tight-lipped smile. "Thank you."
"No worries." he replies.
I can feel his eyes on my as I make my way to my room. As soon as I enter the hallway, I hear him call out my name.
"If you need anything, I'm here, okay?" he calls out.
He's too kind.
That kind that he'll offer to be there for me even after I purposely brush him off for the second time.
• • •
hi kids
another update? *gasps* don't worry i'm lowkey shocked too
anyways
syd's being a cry baby rip
jk but what is happening because i don't even know at this point
love u
bye <3