*PHOEBE'S POV*
What the fuck just happened?
How is Harry in my bed, sleeping, after all of this just happened? How's he even sleeping? I can't fucking sleep, so how can he?
The shock hasn't gone away. The sweat hasn't disappeared. The feeling of his lips and hands all over my body haven't disappeared. Have mine disappeared on his?
I hope not.
He's tucked into my neck per usual, becoming the biggest teddy bear when he gets tired. Harry's all tough and dominant, but when it's done his whole demeanor changes, and I love it.
I love playing with his long hair, I know it helps him fall asleep faster. I love how he always needs to have his hand connected with my waist, it seems as if he thinks it protects him. Tonight he put it up in a soft, messy bun to sleep in, which was the cutest thing I think I've ever seen. It's all frizzy now, but I love it even more.
And that's also the other reason I'm not asleep... He still hasn't talked to me about the nightmare, and he knows he's not getting away with it.
I know he didn't kiss me as a distraction, he wouldn't do that, especially if he stopped me mid-kiss to ask me if it was okay to do so. I know he wants to tell me, it's just eating him alive every second he doesn't spit it out.
He wants to sleep the pain away, I get it. But avoiding the problem, especially with me, isn't gonna make anything better.
I just wish he wasn't scared.
Watching him be in so much agony due to this subject is hurting me, and I think he finally figured it out. I don't wanna pry it out of him, but he can't keep holding back from me.
That's not what best friends do.
But best friends don't kiss either, so what the fuck is going on here?
I still can't believe that happened.
Laying with my eyes open to the ceiling for hours on end isn't helping one bit, but I don't wanna fall asleep. I feel like if I fall asleep, that every kiss he gave me tonight, every loving touch, it'll just go away.
And I don't want it to go, and I for sure don't want him too either.
His touch, the feel of his lips on mine and all over my skin, he's found a way to get under it, to the point where I never want it to stop. He's got me wrapped around his little fingers, and I'm glad.
I never wanna be tangled with anyone else's.
And I hope it goes the same way for him.
I don't know why I doubt so much when all he's been showing me tonight is that he wants the same things I do. Maybe it's because he couldn't admit it at first, but he knew he'd give in at some point. A part of me still might think that he's unsure, but fuck, that's not how he was acting two hours ago.
Yes, I've been sitting here for two hours.
Waking him up just to talk about this would benefit me, but not him. I don't wanna invade his sleepy time, but it should come out sooner or later.
He looks so cozy, though. He has the comforter over his shoulders, his bare stomach resting by my waist. He only wore sweatpants in here, and that's exactly what he fell asleep in.
I ended up putting on one of Harry's shirts, knowing it'd be oversized and just how liked it, and it also smelt like them. I'm too scared and nervous to wear not pants, so I kept his pair of sweats on me too.
Does he like when I wear his stuff? I love to wear it, it makes me think of him every second that it covers my body. It's also very snuggly, just like him.
Sorry Harry, I'm about to ruin your sleep because of my obnoxious mind again.
I played with his hair lightly to maybe get him to softly wake up, but all he did was cuddle into me more, his mouth now touching my neck on accident.
I like it though, I never thought I'd be this close with him. Never did I ever think I'd get confident enough to kiss him, or kiss him back in this case. He's all I've ever wanted, and now I get to show him that in any way I want to.
Am I overthinking it all? What if we just kissed, and made out, just for it to not go anywhere.
No, I'm too attached to let that happen to us.
Why the fuck do I need so much reassurance?
I started again by scratching his shoulder, and it's probably more comforting to him than something that'd wake up.
But I feel too bad to wake him up.
I need to just do it.
Shaking his shoulder slightly, he popped up very slowly, his eyes almost too tired to open. His head came from my next, looking up at me and smiling. I grinned back, giving him that soft smile of reassurance.
"Hi, angel..." He whispered, and I almost couldn't hear him because of how low his voice is when he wakes up.
No, Phoebe... Don't get turned on at two in the morning from his morning voice.
"Hi, H..." I replied back as he gave me a quick kiss on my neck.
"What time is it?" He asked, but instead of actually getting back, he cuddled right back into me. Harry squeezed my waist once more, but left his fingertips to leave love scratches, making goosebumps arise over my body.
"Like... Two in the morning." I mumbled.
"Why're you up, love? Have you even gone to sleep?" He asked the obvious question that I knew was coming, and that I hate answering.
"No..." I continued to scratch his hair to take my mind off of the topic. I know I wanted to talk about it because I hate when he keeps things from me, but I'm still nervous to bring it up.
"What's keeping you up?" He snuggled into me more, tugging on his own that was on my body. I relaxed a bit, allowing myself to just take a second. Cause sometimes that's all you need to do. "C'mon, bug... What is it?"
My heart has never melted as much as it just did. He makes me feel so comfortable, and this is literally about him, not even me. But whatever hurts him, it'll hurt me at some point, too.
"I... I don't wanna cause issues." I start to hesitate in myself.
"Hey..." He looked up at me with his woozy eyes, letting me know he's awake, but could still fall back asleep. He gripped the side of my face with his rather big palm, securing me in with the thumb stroke. "We always make it through the issues, don't we?" He asked, and I nodded with my eyes closed to stop as many tears as I could. Fuck, I don't wanna cry. "So whatever this is... We'll get through it."
His reassurance means more than he'll ever know, no matter how much I tell him in this lifetime.
"Thank you." I leaned into his hand, accepting the gesture, putting my full trust and attention to him, even at 2am.
"Can I..." I drug his thumb to my bottom lip softly, brushing it over the soft skin like he'll forever be mesmerized by my lips. "Can I kiss you, P?"
And I had the softest, yet biggest smile on my face. I don't think I'll ever get sick of that question.
"Yes." I whispered, feeling the admiration as he stared straight at my lips for another moment, then looking in my eyes before he went full in. His hands grasped my waist slowly, while the other one worked the side of my face.
This is the most magical and developed feeling I've ever felt.
I never want it to go away.
My hands still tangled at the sides of his messy bun, I brought them down to one side of his face, my palm reaching out to his bare neck, tangling my fingers into the hairs there.
Our lips seemed to know what to do on their own, fitting in sync as we collided them together.
It's sort of a strange feeling, I haven't kissed someone in basically two years. I never thought it'd feel this easy to connect with such an important part of the body again, but yet again, everything's easier with him.
I'm the purest person around him, he brings anything he wants out of me. And I'll gladly give it to him. He's the person you feel at ease with catching your eye down a darkened street, a guy who gives food to the homeless, a person who'd wave to a stranger and tell them to have the best day ever.
That's who he is, and I never want him to stop being that person. It's the best person to be. And I don't think he realizes how many people are inspired and taken courage from, I don't think it'll ever fully set in for him.
Cause I'm not even the famous one, and it hasn't set in for me that he has millions of people by his side.
I didn't even realize I'm still kissing him till I lightly pulled back, knowing if I kept doing that, I'd go further than kissing. And I don't think I can take more firsts with H tonight.
"You ready now?" He smiled at me with his half dazed eyes, going right back to my chest, laying his head right back down as I put my arms behind my head.
"Yeah uh... I actually wanted to talk about you." I muttered, keeping my voice quiet as I knew it was shaky.
"Me?" He asked rather calmly, just surprised.
"Mhm... About your nightmare." And as soon as I said it, I felt his breathing stop, I felt the panic set in his body.
But he shouldn't have to feel that panic or fear with me, so why does he?
He seemed to have taken a minute to calm himself down, breathing in and out very slowly. I brought one of my hands down to grasp his, knowing he needs some sort of comfort.
I hate that it's my fault with things like these. I hate feeling like I did something wrong when I know deep down I didn't, but my conscious just wants me to believe that I do every bad thing around me.
"Okay, yeah... Let's do that." He stated, but he moved to the side of the bed next to mine. Why'd he move? Does he not wanna be next to me? I know he could feel the fear set in on my face because of what he said next. "Hey... I'm only moving so I can collect myself, nothing to do with you, okay?" He grabbed my hand, holding it as we stared at the ceiling, inches apart from each other, but our hands connected.
"I should be the one comforting you... I'm sorry." I muttered, looking over at him before going back to the ceiling, but he stopped me before I could turn fully.
"Don't apologize, it's alright, pretty girl." He whispered delicately, leaving me to softly smile and look back to the ceiling.
We paused for a good minute, just sitting and taking seconds to ourselves.
"Why wouldn't you tell me about the dream?" I blurted out tenderly.
I could tell he got tense, like this is too hard for him. But, I've told him my biggest secret, and the little ones that follow.
"Because it's the only thing I've kept from you my whole entire life." He whispered, keeping his eyes on the blue ceiling, the LED's that we never turned off still illuminating the room. I don't know if he wants them on blue or not, I know he likes green.
Out of instinct, I grabbed the remote, pointed it towards the strips of color, turning them to a dark green, only so he's not awoken by the super bright ones.
I can see why he likes this color, it's comforting and collecting.
"Thank you." Harry spoke, and I could tell his voice was already shaking.
"Hey... take it slow. There's no rush here. It's just you and me, okay?" I reminded him, assuring him that no matter what, I'm gonna be here.
Even if it's in a separate bedroom after this conversation, that doesn't mean I'm gone and I'm never coming back.
That just means I would need space and time to process it all, eventually bouncing back into my favorite pair of arms, and now my favorite tasteful lips.
"I uh... We were in my old house..." He started, pinching his lip with his free hand as I rubbed his other one in mine.
"We?" I asked.
"Mhm... Um... I kinda need to tell you the secret before the nightmare, it would make more sense." He started to stutter.
"Just do whatever makes you more comfortable, okay?" I looked over at him, watching as the real fear started to set in, completely being open now. He seemed like he wanted to rush the words out and get rid of them, but I don't want that.
I want him to say it like it matters, like it was worth keeping that secret from me.
"Don't rush it, H... You kept it from me for a reason, now say it like it had that kind of purpose." I said kind of sternly on accident, which I know he could tell because his eyes got all worried.
"Can I have a hug first? If... if this doesn't go well... I just want a hug before I say it." He mumbled, looking over at me as I slowly scooted over, wrapping my arms around his waist, squeezing just a bit to let him know I'm here.
I truly don't want him to do anything that causes him to be this scared or fearful, but we don't keep secrets from each other. It's always been our thing to tell each other everything, even if it's easy or hard.
"It's gonna be okay, you know that?" I muttered into his chest where my head was for a short moment, coming out from the hug. I rested my elbow on the mattress, putting the other hand on his chest to softly trace his bare tattoos.
"I hope so..." He mumbled, telling me as truthful as it'll ever get from either of us. "It's about my dad."
"Your dad? You never talk about him..." I got confused, my brows furrowing as a result. Max has never really been worth a deep conversation to us, so whatever he did... it's not good and I know it.
"I know.. I just.. I don't know why my nightmares started to come again, why he decided to finally show up when I don't need him... I mean I've never needed him." He started shaking his head like he had too many thoughts stuck in his head, mushing together in all of his words.
"You mean you've been having nightmares for how long, and didn't wanna tell me?" I've never known that, I didn't know he struggled with anything of that sort. That's why I didn't know what was going on, he's never expressed any sort of thing like this to me, and now I feel bad.
But I also feel kind of... mad and overprotective?
"I swear I was going to, P... But it's hard to talk about that kind of stuff when you don't even know how to handle it yourself." He mumbled, almost sounding ashamed to be wary for himself.
"I know... I'm sorry, it shouldn't have come out like that. I just... I've never kept anything from you, even my darkest times." I looked away from him. I know I'm selfish for feeling like this, but I swear I've told him everything. Well, not that I've loved him for years, but I think that came out when we kissed.
"No, you're right in a sense." His breathing started to slow down, his chest looking prepared for the worst to come.
And I hate seeing that awful, fearful look on his face. It scares the absolutely shit out of me, and that's because he's always the strong one. So, when I see him break down, it kills me in ways I didn't know I could feel it.
"My dad- Max." He quickly corrected himself. "He used to beat me. Really bad." He expressed, and my whole face dropped.
That would explain everything.
How scared he used to get when we'd talk about our future as kids, when I'd bring up how good of a dad he'd be, and he'd totally flip out or just stay silent. I never knew why...
The scars on his body... The ones I've never known the story behind.
How could I not put two and two together? What is wrong with me? Obviously something, because I should've known.
I must've been younger when this happened, but still, I could've been there.
I could've saved him so many scars.
So many bruises.
But I didn't. I didn't realize that he was only about 13 or 14 when it happened, Max left him, Anne, and Gemma when Harry was 15.
"Please... say something, P." He grabbed my hand, but all I did was snatch it right back out.
It's not that I don't want his hand or his touch, it's the fact that Max has abused that part of him, and I didn't even know.
It's not that I don't wanna be his comfort right now, I'm just in complete shock, I don't think anything his shocked me this much.
"P..." He whispered as I started to get out of bed. "Please stay." His voice quivered for just a second before he cleared his throat, trying to cover how sad and afraid he is at this moment in time.
Imagine how scared he must've been when Max hit him over and over again, and bruise after bruise, he didn't care enough to know that he was abusing his own son, his fourteen year old son.
He's fucked in the head for that one.
"Did he ever hurt Anne or Gem?" My hands started to shake. I shouldn't be the one flipping out, but it's hard not to when he's spent years bottling this up, too scared to tell anyone.
"No... no. Just me." He whispered as he shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe I just told you that. Please, ask any question." He muttered. " I wanna let you in."
And that last sentence just broke me open into pieces.
He wants to let me in. No more secrets, no more lies. Fully let in.
Holy shit.
I feel like walking out of his room right now would be the wrong answer and solution, so I decided to walk over to the other side of my bed where he was, sitting on the ledge next to him.
The tears kept silently falling, but I wanted to know more.
"How long did he do it?" I whispered as I looked into his worried, but free eyes.
He looks so free, like he can breathe.
I haven't seen him look like this in days, since the nightmare happened.
"Two years." Harry's head hung low, but I picked it back up with my finger on his chin.
"Hey... Wanna know something?" I smiled at him to give him some relief. He shook his head. "I'm so so proud of you." I whispered, laughing into my own cries. He leaned into my hand, letting his emotions fully shine through. "I'm glad you told me."
"Me too... Thank you for not leaving, just like he did." He told me, and I made my way over to my guitar stand, taking the guitar off hand sitting back down on my side of the bed.
"Play me something." I handed him the black acoustic, watching as he took it from my hands, placing my capo on the third fret, no idea what he's gonna play.
"Lay down, get comfy. I know you need sleep." He muttered as I got under the covers, completely allowing myself to sleep now that I know the answers.
I looked up at him as he started strumming, a small smile coming on my face as I exhaled, watching as he allowed himself to go into the guitar fully.
*PLAY SONG NOW*
"I can't imagine... what a world would be. I can't imagine... what a world would be. I can't imagine... what a world would be..." He started softly, his vibrato shining through with his raspy tone.
"Without you... All the birds would stop their song." My heart has completely melted for this man. "Without you... All things right would feel so wrong." I wanna know how long he's had this song for, it would explain a lot of things and feelings.
I haven't really seen him write much unless it's with the team lately, he hasn't written much with me either, and I need that to change, because this is absolutely beautiful and so heartfelt.
"I can't imagine what a world would be... No, I can't imagine what a world would be... No, I can't imagine what a world would be." He continues to close his eyes and sing softly as mine only closed out of comfort and happiness.
Happiness for him.
"Without you... I'd always be alone. Without you... I don't know where to go." Life wouldn't be complete without him, and I sure hope by this song, I complete his life.
"I can't imagine what a world would be.. No, I can't imagine what a world could be.. I can't imagine what a world would be." He got just a tad bit louder, but his voice still contained and was shallow to help me sleep.
"I can't imagine... I can't imagine, no... I can't imagine, no, what a world would be..." He stopped his strum for a little second, or maybe he didn't.
I'm too tired and too out of it to even tell anymore.
"Without you... I'd always be alone. I'd always be alone." Harry finished the song as I thought I heard, maybe I'm asleep, maybe I'm not. I don't know anymore.
I heard him get up, and it was probably to put the guitar away. He definitely turned the lights low because there was a dim glow in the room. I felt him dip back down into bed, lightly grabbing me so he could snuggle me onto his shoulder, my nose now touching his neck.
"Goodnight, P... Get some sleep." H whispered before covering us both up with the covers, tangling our legs together, placing my arm over his waist. Feeling his skin on mine is such an euphoric feeling, even if it's sexual or not.
Never did I used to know what comfort was, or what that felt like. I mean, I knew with Ashlyn, but it never felt like this. It never felt lifeless, in the best way.
Is it bad that all I want to do is be with Harry?
Ashlyn is here for another 4 days, so I definitely need to be without H for a little bit, but fuck, it's so hard to detatch from someone you've basically given your life too.
Because he is my whole lifeline, my whole existence.
And this is just the peak of it.
***
Song: Can't Imagine - Shawn Mendes.
Stop cause I loved writing this chapter, and I hope you guys liked it as much as I do. Thank you for the endless support and love, we're right behind 800 reads, and that's truly insane to me.
This is also my longest chapter yet, appreciate it.
I love you all.