Chapter 6
"Hi Mr. Carter. Are you alone today?" Dr. Hard said, seeing Shawn at the waiting area without his wife.
"Well, Bey should be here, but she got caught up with some things." He said awkwardly. Beyoncé had told him she would meet him there after she finished with some shopping she said she needed to do, but now that she didn't show up, he felt like she never really intended to come.
"It's okay. Come in please." The doctor told him, pointing at the door.
Shawn reluctantly did so. He actually thought about leaving when he realized Bey wasn't coming. After all, she was the only reason why he was doing this. He wanted to get help for her, but after the days they been having, he started to feel that he needed help too. He needed help with his wife.
"So, how are you doing?" Dr. Hard asked as they took a seat.
"I'm uh I honestly feel like I'm doing something wrong." Shawn blurted it out, figuring he wouldn't have the courage to say it otherwise.
"Why what happened?" Dr. Hard said concerned.
"I've been trying really hard to help my wife through this. I know she's hurting, but I'm trying my best to make it better anyway I can. But it doesn't work. Nothing works."
"It's not easy for her." The doctor tried to appease.
"I thought I just needed to be strong for her. Until she figured things out, but she asked for a divorce." He said staring at the floor, still unable to believe she actually said that.
"Were you arguing when she said that?"
"No. She went out with her sisters and friends then the next morning she wanted to talk to me about that. It seemed like she thought about it for a while, but what I believe is that her friends put that shit in her mind. It is driving me crazy. I have no idea what to do. I just know I'm not signing any papers."
"Why do you think her friends put that in her mind?"
"That's what they always do, or maybe it was her sisters, but every time they go out Bey comes back talking about crazy things."
"Are you sure that she really meant what she said?"
"I have no idea. I don't know my wife anymore." Shawn said while shaking his head.
"I know it must be hard for you and your wife as well. You need to be patient and it's important that you two talk about everything, you need to share what you both are feeling."
"I'm tired... I'm so tired of feeling like this. I want to close this chapter of my life, but I can't do it without my wife."
"Sometimes when things like this happen, it can bring couples closer together or it can tear them apart. Try to give Beyoncé her space, but make sure to let her know she can reach out for you."
"I can try, but the space between us only grows."
"It would be good if you tried to bring her with you for the next session."
"Okay. I will try that too." He said.
Shawn stayed and talked to Dr. Hard until his time was up. He wasn't feeling any better, but at least he talked to someone.
When he got home, he wasn't surprised to see that his wife wasn't back yet. Ever since she stopped going to work, she started spending most of her time outside doing god knows what.
Shawn went upstairs to his room feeling absolutely empty, there weren't any emotions left, he wasn't even mad anymore. He just wanted to move on and leave the last few months behind him.
Sitting down on his bed, he reached out for the wedding picture that was on the nightstand. It was his favorite picture of him and Beyoncé. It showed both of them laughing together, not noticing that someone was taking a picture of them.
Shawn would never forget how happy they were that day. Getting married was something they both wanted and now with Bey asking for divorce, it was like a slap to his face. For the first time since their baby died, Shawn was feeling tears running down his face. He had no idea what to do anymore.
***
Beyoncé felt conflicted when she saw her husband's car on the driveway when she got home. She wasn't sure what he would say to her about the appointment she missed. It wasn't planned, but she didn't really make the effort to be there.
Now she was just hoping Shawn wouldn't make a big deal about it.
She went in thinking his face would be the first thing she would see, but he actually was nowhere in sight. She went upstairs and walked by his room, actually the guestroom, and he wasn't there either. She thought it was odd, but felt almost relieved until she walked to her bedroom and found him sitting on their bed.
Beyoncé walked in slowly and almost said something to him, but then she heard the sob. Then another came after that and she realized her husband was crying.
She felt her heart drop. This was much more devastating and horrifying than witnessing her husband trying to take care of his needs all by himself. It wasn't just about his body and their marriage. She had never seen Shawn cry like that.
"Shawn." She called out as she tentatively walked closer to him.
He looked up at her with tears still filling his eyes. She couldn't recognize that man. It didn't look like the man she married at all. Was that what he had been seeing in her all these months?
"Why can't we be them, Bey?" Shawn said looking down at the picture he was holding of them and then back at his wife.
Beyoncé's eyes filled up with tears. "I'm sorry."
Shawn nodded. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I don't know exactly what to do to make you feel like life with me is still worthy. And I'm sorry I don't know the right words to say to you. I'm sorry I don't seem to know how you really feel. I'm sorry that our son died, Bey. And I'm also sorry that we died with him."
Before Beyoncé could say anything, Shawn got up from the bed and walked out of the room.
"Shawn" She called out, but he didn't stop. She had never seen her husband so broken and she had no idea what to do to fix it.
After the moment passed, Beyoncé sat down on her bed and took the frame that Shawn was holding when she walked in. Was what she witnessed only a minute ago, the way Shawn had been feeling all this time? Had she been that blind?
"Oh God." She said looking at their wedding picture with tears running down her cheek.
She knew he was hurt by the loss of their son, and she knew he had pushed his feelings aside, so he would be the strong one between the two of them, but she never stopped to think that he was hiding that much pain. She had never felt so connected to her husband as she did while looking into his tear-soaked eyes and yet. she had never felt so powerless and unable to reach him.
She couldn't stop feeling like that was how Shawn felt for these past months, desperately trying to help her and still, unable to do so. She had been feeling so hurt and alone and she knew now, that Shawn felt exactly the same.
Seeing him cry like that made Beyoncé realize how selfish she had been all this time. Of course she'd seen him cry before, but it were only little tears, and aside for the day when their son died, he had only cried out of happiness. She knew it was finally time to stop being selfish and be there for her husband. After all, he was right, they promised each other in good and bad times.
After taking a shower and trying to calm down a little Beyoncé changed and went downstairs were she knew that Shawn was probably cooking dinner.
"What did you cook?" Bey asked stepping inside the kitchen. He was already eating all by himself. It was like that since a while. The only meal that they would eat together would be breakfast and sometimes lunch. But every time he would come back from work he cooked something for himself while Beyoncé was in her room or watching TV.
"Some rice with chicken." He mumbled without even looking up.
Beyoncé took her plate from the microwave and then started to eat as well. She wanted to talk about what happened upstairs but she had no idea what to say.
"I'm sorry for missing our appointment. I lost track of time." She said after a while
"It's not like you really wanted to be there." Shawn said getting up to put his plate into the sink.
"I will go with you to the next one."
"You don't need to. Anyway, I'm going to my mother's birthday dinner tomorrow. I don't know when I will come back just in case you wonder where I am." Shawn said harshly
"Okay."
"Good night." Shawn said walking out of the kitchen and leaving his wife alone.
The minute Shawn left Beyoncé started to cry again. She needed to fix what she broke but had no idea how. For the first time she felt how far from each other she and Shawn were. She wanted to be the woman from her wedding picture, she wanted to be happy like she was on that day and she wanted Shawn to be as happy as he was then.
Before even realizing what she was doing, she grabbed her car keys and headed out. She didn't even know if there was still someone at her office, but she needed to talk to someone.
"Mrs. Carter? What are you doing here?" Dr. Hard said surprised when Beyoncé stormed into her office. She was putting her things into her briefcase and it seemed like she was about to leave.
"I need... I need help." Beyoncé said out of breath, with a shaking voice.
"Sit down. You want a glass of water?" The doctor said and Beyoncé was only able to nod.
"Here. What happened?"
Beyoncé took the glass she was handed and sipped while trying to talk. "I... I need... I need my husband. I never saw him like that."
"How?"
"He was crying."
"You never saw him cry before?"
"Not like that. The minute I saw him and the things he said to me made me realize how selfish I was acting since everything happened."
"Beyoncé after what happened to you it was okay to be selfish for a while. The thing that you need to understand is that it happened to him as well." Dr. Hard said.
"I couldn't see his pain. I just couldn't." Beyoncé's voice started shaking again.
"But you saw it today."
"I don't know what to do."
"Beyoncé just do what your heart is telling you. If you want to be closer to your husband again, then do that."
"I asked for divorce."
"I know, Shawn told me today."
"I thought it would be the best for him."
"It wasn't." Dr. Hard said.
"I will fix everything. I will fix us." Beyoncé said determined.
"Maybe you should come to the next session with your husband."
"Yes, I think I'll do that." Beyoncé said getting up. "Thank you for listening to me."
"No problem. I'm glad you came." Dr. Hard said before Beyoncé walked out.
She wasn't really feeling that much better, but at least now, she had a clear thought in her mind. She would fight for her marriage, and to bringing her and Shawn's happiness back.
***
Shawn still felt his throat tight when he laid in his bed to sleep. He wasn't used to crying like he did earlier, and he had promised himself he wouldn't do that, but he couldn't hold it.
After seeing his wife breakdown at the hospital, he promised himself he would be the strength for her to hold on to. He would keep her up on her feet. But he knew she would also be his strength. She would be the one he would do all of this for, the one he would wake up in the morning for. And now, with her trying to leave him, he felt terrified of being all alone. He didn't think that he would be able to be strong anymore. He could actually feel himself getting weaker by the minute, and it was getting harder and harder to hide it.
Shawn squeezed his eyes tight shut, desperately wanting to hold it together, then he heard a light knock on the door.
"Come in." He said, knowing it had to be Beyoncé outside.
She had left the house for a while after dinner, and when she came back, she locked herself in the bedroom. He actually thought she was asleep by now, but maybe she was in there just to avoid him as usual.
"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in bed." Beyoncé said a little awkwardly seeing him lying in the dark, with only the bedside lamp on.
"It's okay, what is it?" He said sounding exasperated, unable to use his calm voice with her today.
"It's nothing, I just I couldn't sleep and I thought" She sighed. "Never mind." She started to walk away, but Shawn stopped her.
"Bey come here."
Beyoncé looked at her husband, feeling stupid for even knocking at his door.
"It's okay, Shawn, I didn't want t-"
"Come here." He said again, sitting up straight now.
Beyoncé reluctantly stepped into the room and approached his bed. Shawn pulled the covers back for her and they briefly looked at each other before she laid down next to him.
Shawn reached for the lamp to turn it off, and then pulled Beyoncé closer to him. She felt her heart tighten when her husband wrapped his arms around her body. She didn't even know how badly she missed that warm sensation.
She had spent the last hour or so trying to think of the right words to say to him, but nothing came to her. When she finally gave up for the night and tried to sleep, she only tossed and turned, never able to wipe Shawn's tears off her mind. She had no idea that all she needed to tell him was that she couldn't sleep.
"Good night, Bey." Shawn whispered in the dark to his already sleep wife, then he closed his eyes to go to sleep himself.
Just 2 minutes later, they were both sound asleep.