Chapter Twenty-one: The New Home
"This is you." The mayor gives me an apprehensive smile.
I don't return it, simply watching him. He's the only person remaining.
The District had a little welcoming party waiting for me when I got off the train: a collection of the wealthiest business owners in the community trailed by Finnick, Mags, and a horde of Peacekeepers. But, everyone quickly dispersed. No one wanted to be there.
District Four is not proud to have me as their victor. I am the victor with the most blood on her hands in history; I executed the games with a scary order and calculation. Also, James' blood is on my hands. For that, I will never be accepted here.
The mayor walked me over to Victor's Village alone. He hasn't spoken a single word since we left the village, only stopping when we enter the gates to open them. It wasn't until he was standing in front of one of the marble houses in this small village that he speaks, gesturing to it.
I analyze it's exterior. This is one of the smaller victor houses, and I think that's because I have no family moving in with me. Most victors have parents or siblings or maybe even children that want to live with them, so they get bigger homes. Unlike them, I'm all alone.
Then, I dip my head. "Okay. You have a key?"
He extends his hand out to me. There is a small metal key in his plan. "Yeah, here."
I take it and sigh. "Anything else?"
His jaw clenches. It takes him a few seconds before he speaks. "Are you Viper?"
"Am I what?" I frown at his question instantly.
Something flickers through his eyes at my clear confusion. Does he really think that I would slip up at such a simple question? That's a rookie move, and I am very far from a rookie. "Never mind. Can I ask you something?"
"You just did." I make no effort to hide my annoyance with this conversation.
The mayor purses his lips. "How did you pay me to keep your name in the reaping only once?"
Ah, there is it.
He's suspicious of me.
This isn't new; he always has been. Every year, I provide him with a large sum of money from who knows where to keep my name down in the Reaping and at only one slip. I know he's always been intrigued how someone who doesn't even have a stall in the market can comfortably fork over that amount of money yearly, but we've always worked on a "don't ask, don't tell" mentality. But, with my success in the games, he must have thought that that didn't apply anymore - that he's entitled to some answers.
To guess that I'm Viper is impressive, though. I thought he would expect prostitution or something of that manner to be the reason for my apparent wealth, not that I'm a highly skilled killer; kudos to him.
I raise my eyebrow at him. "I got some cash and put it in a duffel bag-"
"Where does the money come from, Kai?" He's studying me intently now.
I open my mouth before closing it. Immediately, my classic excuse for when conversation is awkward comes to mind. I haven't used it in years, but it will definitely shut off this conversation.
There's a moment before I speak. My voice is a little softer than before, holding more emotion than he's ever heard from me. "It's what I got for selling my parent's house and their stall in the market."
His eyes widen with understanding.
"Are we done?" After a pause, I duck my head from his gaze - which is now full of pity instead of anger and suspicion. The parents always work in the district as a perfect explanation: why I stopped being seen in public, why I basically removed myself from District Four socially and financially - they shut everyone up.
"Sorry for-"
"That sounds like a yes." I turn and, without even saying goodbye, I walk over to the house.
He's too skeptical for his own good. I'm going to have to keep tabs on him.
It takes me a few moments to stick the key in the lock and figure out how to open the door. My other house wasn't locked with a key, so I honestly don't think I've used one in a while. I eventually get it open and step into the entrance level of the house. It looks to be only two stories, although I wouldn't be surprised if there was a basement or even some sort of attic.
The door closes behind me and I step into the house. The lights turn on automatically as I do so, allowing me to survey what I entered into. The house leads straight into what looks to be a living room. It's actually pretty furnished, complete with a few black couches, a marble table, and an elaborate looking chandelier. This is classic capitol deco -
My train of thought disappears completely as my eyes zero in on one of the couches. Or, more specifically, on the person sitting on it.
Jewel looks more tired than normal. She's got her hair down, and it is messily framing her face, adding to the general vibe of stress and worry that is emanating from her. Her eyes are trained on me and, when I notice her, she offers me a weak smile. "Hey, Kai."
A small sigh exits me. "I guess you win our bet."
She lets out a small snort. "Guess so."
We had a bet that she would find out who I was. I wasn't worried about it, because I knew that Jewel would never actually invade my privacy like that. She was too close to me to understand just how much I valued my anonymity.
Jewel is one of the few informants that I've recruited to supply me with information. She is housed in District One, and she spends her days working in one of the jewelry factories there - keeping her ears peeled for information that I would value. But, more importantly, she is one of the few people who Viper would consider a friend. I found her when she was in a bad patch and helped her get back onto her feet, providing her power and a place in the criminal world of Panem. Through that, she became one of the few people who I trusted and cared for. She's seen my face - she once helped me sew a cut on it - so it makes sense that she would make the connection that I, Kai, am Viper.
It is surprising to see her here, though.
"What, um, it's good to see you." I start, walking further into the room and over to her. I drop the keys that I'm holding off on the large marble table in front of the couch before sitting down next to her. I take a seat on the couch and shift so that my head is facing her. It looks just as stiff as it feels. "Why are you here, though?"
I've never asked her to travel anywhere except the capitol. In fact, I doubt that she's ever been to District Four.
She bites her lip. "I figured I should check in."
I exhale at that. Jewel will be able to see through my lie if I say that I'm okay. But, what should I even say? That I can't sleep because I'm being haunted by the face of a child whose death I caused? That I'm drowning in regret over choosing to side with Snow and to follow through with my deal. That I feel like I have no purpose left - that I really valued my life more than James.
Concern takes over her face at my lack of an immediate answer, but she lets me collect my thoughts and speak.
I look away from her as I talk. I basically avoid her question entirely. "I made a deal with Snow, you know."
"You did? Does he know that you're Viper?" She asks, thankfully ignoring my lack of response to her original question.
I nod. "I told him before the games. I - I knew I'd win the games when my name was drafted. I mean - of course I would. I kill people for a living." I go silent at that, choosing to continue after a brief pause. "And I knew that he would figure out who I was during the games, so I decided to tell him before that happened and strike a deal with him."
Jewel frowns at that. "So you struck a deal with him before the games? That seems risky."
"Well, it paid off. He got to control what I did during them and I can't be controlled after." Treacherous thoughts are starting to get the best of me - all of the regrets that I'm beginning to have. I should have not taken that deal. I should have not let Alice kill James. I should have - no. I need to stop. "I - I'm not sure if I want to keep on being Viper. At the very least I'm going to take a break."
Her eyes soften. "That's okay."
I let out a sigh of relief that I didn't know I was holding in. I wasn't sure if she's going to be happy with this or not. It's good to know that she'll still stay by my side regardless of business. My mind shifts onto Viper and my conundrum with her.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't know if I have the heart to go right back into working for the highest bidder. Well, I was sure that I wasn't ever going to kill someone again and then I killed Keller. For whatever reason, his death didn't affect me as negatively as I thought it would. It made me rethink my plan of pretending that Viper doesn't exist anymore. Now, I'm deciding between two choices. I can either dissolve her entirely, which could have some dangerous repercussions. Including Jewel, I pay around seven people throughout Panem for information. My disappearance would leave some of them stranded and without income, and I'm not an asshole. I don't want to expose them and threaten their wellbeing. Also, if I stop being Viper, Snow will think I'm weak. The other option is to keep her active but try to cease or at least not do my own killing directly.
I speak after a few seconds. "I don't know what to do with Viper."
"I - why can't you just pretend that you got killed?" She asks. "It wouldn't be hard to fake your death."
"I can't make Snow think that I'm as fucked up by the games as I am." I admit. Jewel exhales at that; I think that was the first time that I verbally acknowledged just how bad the games affected me. "I think I'll just delay until people start asking questions and then make a decision."
"Okay, I assume you have enough money to wait for a while." She nods.
I nod to that.
Something flickers through Jewel's eyes. It's something that I can't explicitly make out, but it shows that she wants to tell me something. "What?"
She lets out a small huff. "I just - don't feel pressured to do anything that you're not comfortable with, regardless of Snow. I'll go and fucking kill him if I need to."
I smile at the idea of that. "That wouldn't hurt."
"It might hurt him." She replies, chucking a little.
My smile widens a little.
Jewel waits a few seconds before she speaks, her voice a little happier than it was before. "Oh, guess who moved all of the shit from your house into this new place?"
My eyebrows raise. "Really?"
That was my day plan, actually - to move everything from my old house into this new museum-like establishment. I may not like the decor at all, but it is a much better house than where I was living before. There is a lot more space and, frankly, I would be stupid not to take advantage of it.
Jewel nods, her eyes brightening at my clear happiness for what she did. "I left the furniture and most of your decorations, but I brought all of your clothing and such. I even found your motorcycle and parked it out back."
A small laugh escapes me. "I stashed that in a bush before the reaping."
"A fucking prickly bush too." Her voice turns serious. "And I emptied out your shed into the basement of this place."
The shed was where I stored all of my work clothing and tools. It had an assortment of weapons and different types of armor, as well as a large variety of bandanas; even though I value keeping my name a secret, I have never been one for a consistent mask. I usually just tie a black piece of cloth over my face and put on a hoodie. People recognize me through my voice and the black rose that I leave behind, not from a costume. One benefit of this is that, if caught in a suspicious area, there would be nothing incriminating about my uniform - because Viper doesn't have one.
I look away from Jewel and casually survey the living room that we're in. It's so - so stiff. I'm going to have to get some paint or something to make this place a little more home-y for me. I also definitely need to order some better couches. "How long can you stay?"
Jewel hesitates before she answers. "I kind of have to leave tonight. I - the factory doesn't really have vacation days for people sneaking out of the district."
A small snort leaves my mouth. "That's more than enough time. I've got nothing to do today, though; you did what I was planning on doing."
"What, move all your shit?" She asks and I nod. "Well, you still need to look around. Let me give you a tour!" Jewel jumps to her feet.
I smile at her enthusiasm and stand. I've sat enough in this living room to realize that there is a set of french doors that lead into what I think is a kitchen. Jewel walks towards them instantly and I follow her. Sure enough, there is a pretty large sized kitchen, complete with a stove top, oven, dishwasher, and a hearty amount of cabinet space.
I stop and survey the area as Jewel starts talking. "It came with plates and utensils and things, but they're all grey."
It's a nice room, at least double the size of my other one. But, like she said, it has the same pristine vibe of the living room. The cabinets are made of glass, so the depressing colored plates are visible. I look at all of the details for a long moment before my eyes move on to the next location. "Why does the capitol have such a boring color palette?"
Jewel snorts. "They love their eccentric outfits so much that I think they don't want their homes reflecting that."
I turn.
This isn't really just a kitchen. Away from the appliances, there is a long wooden table. It's flanked by six red chairs, the only bright color that I've noticed has been added to this house. There are three paper bags on the dining room table that I walk towards, frowning.
I pull open one of the bags and realize that it's food. There is a loaf of bread sticking out of it and, as I sift through the bag, there are also eggs, some jams, and a wrapped up package that I assume is a piece of meat or fish. "I - did you get me food?"
"Yeah. It should last you a couple days." I look over to Jewel to see her scratching the back of her neck. There is a moment of silence between us before she speaks again. "I figured your district members wouldn't like to see you out and about."
I nod to that wordlessly.
After another brief pause, I move back into the living room. Right next to the entrance of the kitchen is a small hallway that has two doors on either side. I go towards the right one and turn the doorknob, opening it up to reveal a bedroom.
"How white." I remark, earning a chuckle. My eyes snake around this bedroom. It's pretty airy, with three different windows that each have a good view of the lake. This one is white themed, with an all white bed and extremely light grey dressers. I turn away pretty quickly and look over to Jewel, who was sticking her head in next to me to see the room. "Do you know how many bedrooms there are?"
"Three. The house is like a loft, so there's two down here." She pauses to walk over to the left door and open it, revealing a bedroom that is identical to the one we just looked in. A seed of happiness plants itself in my heart. I can waste a lot of time personalizing this home; I was worried that, if I tried to quit Viper, I would have nothing to do. The state of this formal house is giving me a huge project to work on, something that I kind of am looking forward to.
After my parents died and I sold their house, I never really had a home. The house I bought was a tiny place and one that I was rarely staying in. I have a small apartment that I rent in the capitol, but even that I stay in for a few days before leaving it. No matter how wrong it is for me to be here - not matter how much I don't deserve this - it will be nice to have a house that I actually stay in for an extended period of time.
Jewel walks back into the living room and points to a large set of marble stairs in the corner. They extend over the kitchen, going up to what must be the loft that she mentioned. I noticed the stairs when I first walked in only because the ceilings on this place were massive; the second floor only covers the kitchen and one of the bedrooms, meaning that the living room is very vertically tall. "There's a bedroom up there that I'm assuming you're going to take because it's the biggest and then if you go down the stairs, is the basement. I put all your clothes and shit in there, although you don't really have that much clothes."
"I'm usually on the move." I reply.
Jewel hums in response to that. When we reach the stairs, I head up them, holding onto the strangely ornate gold railing as I do. It's surprisingly cold to my touch. She follows me up them.
I suck in a breath once I see the second floor.
It's huge.
There is a bed that is probably bigger than the entirety of my old house. A few lengths away from it is a basically floor to ceiling window that shows off the view that I saw briefly downstairs: the lake.
Most of the fishing that District Four actually does is on the ocean, but this lake is a few miles inland. It's the lake that my other house was on, actually, so it is a familiar site. But, this is nothing like the view I used to have. The sun is almost at its zenith, but there are still scores of lush vegetation and light waves visible regardless of its bright glare. I can see the other victors' houses. There are a collection of probably ten homes in this little village, although only four are inhabited: Finnick's, Mags', the family of Annie Cresta who is a victor who went insane shortly after winning her games, and me. I don't know who is in each, but they all look as imposing as the inside of this house feels.
I tear my eyes away from the view and back into the room. There is a black couch that is facing the open window and, under it, a brown carpet has been laid out.
I look over to Jewel. "This is pretty nice."
"I knew you'd like the view." She smiles. "District Four's are always suckers for large expanses of water."
I laugh, shaking my head slightly, and walk towards the bed. "You literally like to be called Jewel. Don't start with me on district stereotypes."
Jewel chuckles loudly at my words.
I reach the bed and fall backwards onto it, sighing softly as I do. Jewel follows my example and, together, we lie on our backs and look up at the wooden bracketing of the ceiling. Peace settles between us. For once, my thoughts are free of James and of my uncertainty for the future. They are just calm, sweeping through the wood that I am mindlessly staring at.
I'm the one who breaks the silence. My volume is low, but my words are steady. "It means a lot that you came here, Jewel."
"You know I'd do anything for you." She replies. It's a true statement, too. Jewel would probably do anything for me. She's not scared to call me out on my shit or yell at me, but she would stand by me through whatever happens - through whatever is going to happen. "Can I ask what the deal between you and Snow was?"
I sit up and look over to her. Our eyes meet.
Regret flashes through her face. "Sorry. I don't mean to-"
"No, it's good. I haven't talked to anyone who, well, who knows everything. It'll be nice to put it out there." I pause before delving into the details of my past - well - my past two weeks. Jewel's eyes stay trained on my face as the words exit my mouth and swim not only to her ears but also throughout this house, almost christening it in its purpose and in how I truly got it.
|||
I breathe out a sigh of relief as I open the door and see who knocked. "Hey."
It's Finnick. He is wearing a loose black sweater and some sweatpants. At first glance, he looks like he just woke up, but the concern in his eyes tells me that he has probably been thinking about coming over here for a while.
I tilt my head to the side. "Do you need anything-"
"Who is it?" Jewel taps my arm and I move aside, revealing Finnick to her. I see her discreetly slip a pocket knife into her back pocket as she registers who he is. What? We're used to people knocking on doors and then trying to kill us. Sorry that we're jumpy. "Oh, it's the concerned mentor."
I let out a snort.
Now that Jewel is all filled in, she gets just how concerned Finnick has been for me. I mentioned almost all of the extra meetings and discussions that we've had about how I'm acting rash and not listening to him - both before and after the games. The only thing I didn't mention is how I got the hoodie that I'm currently wearing, or the intimate hug we shared before the games. It just - his gesture to give it to me seemed like something personal.
Finnick frowns. I doubt he was expecting me to have a friend over; I'm sure he knows that I have no family left and am considered a bit of a pariah within the district. "I didn't realize Kai wasn't alone. It's nice to meet you - I'm Finnick."
"Yeah, I know." Jewel replies, amusement still lining her words.
I shake my head slightly at that, a slightly exasperated smile flickering across my face. "This is Jewel. Do you want to come in, Finnick?"
He gives me a small smile. "I don't want to intru-"
"Nonsense!" Jewel turns and walks further into the house. I push the door open more and Finnick steps through it. She walks over into the kitchen, which was where me and her were hanging out. We finished our dinner probably around a half an hour ago, and were now just shooting the shit at the large table in the kitchen. Surprisingly, the red chairs around it are really comfortable - more so than the stiff couches that litter the rest of the house - so that is where we have perched ourselves.
Finnick's eyes flick over to me and I give him a small smile.
We both walk towards the kitchen, our strides matching. Neither of us talk; I have anything to say and I think that Finnick is a little too surprised by the existence of my strangely cheery friend to say anything to me.
Jewel grins at me when we enter, but her eyes quickly switch over to Finnick. They slide over his body before she speaks. "Is that for us?"
I sit down in one of the chairs next to Jewel and look over to him. He hesitates and then lifts his hand up. I didn't notice before, but he is holding a bottle of ocean water. Ocean water is the district liquor. It's not really water from the ocean, but it is tinged a blue color, as are most things in District Four. It's one of the stronger alcohols that can be purchased, but it is pretty commonly used as a housewarming gift."I mean - yeah. Where are your glasses, Kai?"
I jerk my head towards the main part of the kitchen. "They're in one of those cabinets, I'm sure, but only get two. Jewel is good."
Amusement flashes over his face. "Deciding that for her?"
"Yeah, deciding that for me?" Jewel looks over to me, a mischievous glint in her eyes.
I shake my head at her. "No way am I letting you leave here drunk."
"That's alcohol?"
I see Finnick's head turn at her question and resist the urge to sigh. He'll be suspicious of where she's from now; no local wouldn't know what a bottle of that was. I nod. "District special. Don't even think about it."
She rolls her eyes, but she doesn't fight me. We both know that she has a long night ahead of her that involves jumping onto high speed trains, so she shouldn't be drunk at all. Speaking of, Jewel should probably get going. It is around seven hours by train from District Four to One, and her factory job starts at seven in the morning. She'd better make her way over to the train tracks.
I open my mouth but Jewel is already talking, her voice raised to address Finnick. "So, what are you doing here?"
I look over to him. He has his back turned away from us and is opening basically all of the cabinets. At her words, he turns and glances at us. "I just wanted to make sure that Kai was okay."
Jewel turns to me and puts a hand over her heart. "How caring."
"Okay." I stand, chuckling. "You should get a move on."
She turns and looks out one of the windows. The sun is just about to set. All of the happiness on her face drops off of it as she realizes that, yes, she should leave. Her eyes meet mine. "You're right. Walk me out?"
I nod.
Jewel stands and looks past me to Finnick. He finally found glasses, and he is pouring some of the alcohol into it. She speaks, although I can tell that her happiness has gone away slightly. It's clear that she doesn't want to leave me here. "Well, it seems I can't truly bond with the famed victor."
"You don't have to go just because I got here." He looks up and meets her eyes. "I really don't mean to alter your evening."
"No, I would have to leave anyway." Her lips tug downwards a little. "Maybe I'll see you again, Finnick."
He frowns at that, but dips his head wordlessly.
Jewel looks like she wants to say more, but I grab her wrist and firmly guide her out of the kitchen and into the living room. I release her when we reach the door and turn. "I-"
I trail off as a pair of arms grab my body and encircle me, giving me a tight hug. I accept it instantly, my posture softening and embracing her also.
The hug lasts for a few seconds before Jewel pulls away. "I should stay."
"No. You've got a life in One. Don't drop it because I'm a little fucked up." I state. She exhales at that. There is a brief moment of silence before I continue. "Just, I'll make sure to contact you if you want-"
"I want proof of life daily."
I raise my eyebrows, slightly amused. "Am I going to be kidnapped?"
"You could be. I just - just call me or even if you send me a message, I don't care. I don't want you to be in this house all alone plagued by memories." Jewel hesitates and then speaks again. "And you know I'm here for you on Viper shit. We'll figure out what to do about her."
I swallow. I - that's some heavy shit to say. I - I don't trust myself enough to speak, so I just nod and reach forwards, turning and opening the door.
Jewel steps through it. A small smirk flies back onto her face. "Have fun with him."
"Get your mind out of the gutter." I retort. I lean on the door briefly before exhaling. "I'm going to be fine, Jewel. I really am."
Then, the door closes between us. I collect myself for a long moment, just looking blankly at the wood in front of me, before walking back into the kitchen.
Finnick is sitting down at the table. Our eyes meet for the second time tonight as I walk over to him and sit across from him where a half full glass is greeting me. "Sorry. I-"
"She had to go. It's not your fault." I cut him off. My hands curl around the glass, just holding it. "Are you close?"
"What?" He frowns.
"To this house. Like, am I surrounded by empty houses or are you close by?" My eyes break away from his piercing stare and look down into the liquid that I'm holding.
It takes him a brief moment to answer. "Oh, I'm two houses down from you. Annie's family lives in the biggest house because they have six people. That's the first one when you enter the district. The, um, Mags lives next to them. Her house is the same as yours except not so, so capitol." His voice sours at the last word.
I smile at that. "You don't like the decor?"
His voice turns surprised and I glance up to see that he has raised his eyebrows. "Do you?"
I bring the glass to my lips and take a small sip of it. It's actually been years since I had this drink. I always found it sad to drink alone, and there's no one in this district still alive who I would have ever asked to drink with. It's a nostalgic taste, though; the drink is flavored with cherries but it's also quite salty, hence the name. I answer Finnick after I swallow my sip. "Not at all. At least I have something to do during the day, though."
He tilts his head to the side and I elaborate. "I can decorate it - burn all of this shitty capitol furniture and replace it with something that's actually comfortable."
"Ah, yeah, that's true. You, um, what did you do before?" It's my turn to raise my eyebrows and silently ask for him to elaborate. He does after sipping his own drink and setting it down on the table. "Did you fish? Like what was your profession?"
"Oh." You know, Finnick, it's funny you should ask; I used to kill people for money. I wait a few seconds before speaking. "Well, I worked with my parents but when they died I just lived off of the water. I, um, my house is on this lake, actually."
"Really?" He lets out a small chuckle. "No one could find where you lived, you know. We normally move stuff into the new house of a victor."
"Yeah, the mayor told me that. Jewel moved all my stuff, though." My lips tilt up briefly at mention of her name. I'll probably call her tomorrow, just to make sure that she got home safely and also to get her to stop worrying. I feel like half of Jewel is just ready to quit her life in District One and come here permanently, or at least until I feel more like myself. I can't let her do that, though - throw away what little life she has for me. That's not worth it. I'm not worth it. Not after - god, I was doing so well.
Finnick frowns at my sudden solemness. "You okay?"
Again he asks me that question. You would think that another victor would know better than to pry like this. I start off ready to lie before breaking myself off. He knows the truth; Finnick has gone through exactly what I'm going through - or almost what I've gone through. It won't hurt to be at least a tad honest. "I - of course not."
His eyes fill with concern and I look back down at the drink I'm holding.
After a prolonged moment, he speaks. "I, um, I came over today to see if you were settled in but I also wanted to say sorry."
That's random.
I peer back up to him. "You've got nothing to apologize for."
He shakes his head. "No, I wasn't supportive when you left the games. I just - I want you to know that I'm here for you. We, there are few people still living who went through what you - what both of us went through. You can always come to my house if you need anything or even if you just feel like you don't want to be alone. But the offer seems stupid now."
It takes me a moment to respond. I'm surprised that he's being this kind to me; I kind of assumed that if he were going to come here it would be to ask questions about why Snow actually listened to me - or why the Head Gamemaker was pronounced dead the night I saw him. The fact that he ignored all of that and just said he'd be there for me is pretty weird to me. Maybe I'm just not used to people being concerned with my wellbeing. "It's not stupid."
"No, you've obviously got friends within the district." He references Jewel. "I doubt you'll be alone."
I let out a small snort at that. I don't think that a single person in this district likes me right now, with the exception of maybe Finnick and Mags. Even within all of Panem, there are only probably four or five people who I would truly consider friends. I decide not to mention any of that, though. "They all have lives. I - it's a nice offer, Finnick. Really. But I, um, I'm going to be fine."
I don't think I would ever want to bother him with my shit, but it is nice that he seems to need to keep mentoring me.
Finnick hesitates, as though he wants to say something else to me, before he tilts his head back and downs the rest of his drink. Then, he stands. "Well, I'll leave you, then."
"Okay. I'll see you around." I give him a small smile.
He holds my gaze for a few seconds before nodding and turning. His footsteps echo around the house and then the door clicks closed quietly, leaving me alone with a bottle of ocean water and my treacherous, treacherous thoughts.