She loves deep and fast. With all of herself, or not one bit. She'll give people all of her light, in turn struggle to understand when they don't pay that back. She wants you to think she can't be hurt, but truth is, she gets hurt easier than most. She is fierceness and tenderness, within the same breath. This is her beauty. In her total lack of in betweens.
- Caron Patrick Bowie
I checked my watch, but it was already half past ten. Where the hell was he? If he wasn't going to show up in the next minute, I would leave without him and hex his arse the next time we crossed paths.
"Blaise?" I asked as he walked by. "Have you seen Malfoy at all? We're supposed to do patrol tonight."
"No, haven't seen him since supper", he shrugged. I grunted. Where was this boy off to? Was he avoiding me? I swore to myself to not go easy on him next time. He made promises to me over the summer, promises that I wouldn't allow him to break so easily.
I didn't see Draco at all that night. I did patrol, which was uneventful, and went to bed. He wasn't at breakfast either and the next time I'd see him would be in Defense Against the Dark Arts. That class, however, was taught by Snape this year. If there was one person who couldn't find out about our ... some sort of relationship, it was Snape. Since Lucius had fallen out of the Dark Lord's graces since the prophecy debacle, Snape had become Lord Voldemort's closest confidant, alongside Bellatrix. Lord Voldemort could not find out that I had lied to him, so that meant that Snape couldn't find out, ever.
So when I saw Draco for the first time that morning, I had to act like I didn't care, like I didn't wonder where he was constantly, like I wasn't worried about him skipping meals and looking slightly ill. I had to act like he didn't mean anything to me.
I could do so for a moment, as Draco was plainly being an arsehole, no matter his important task. But I needed to talk to him, to know that I wasn't the only one who still cared.
"I'll see you guys at lunch, I have some business to attend to", I said as I kept my eyes trained on the blonde, a couple yards ahead of me. I didn't know where he was headed, but luckily he didn't follow the stream of students on their way to their dorms or the Great Hall. But as soon as we reached a corridor void of other students, he noticed my presence. He glanced backwards and sighed.
"Don't you dare to sigh at me, Draco Malfoy", I gritted. I had quite enough of his lousy behaviour, his broken promises. I grabbed him by his coat and dragged him with me, into an empty storage room. I cast the silencio spell so no one would hear us and then pressed my wand against his Adam's apple.
"Please enlighten me as to why you're avoiding me like the plague", I hissed, narrowing my eyes. Draco coughed and gently pushed my wand away from his throat.
"I'm not", he muttered.
"You're not? Oh, that has to be the best joke of the bloody year. We haven't spoken a word since my birthday! That was almost three weeks ago! And now we've been at Hogwarts for days, away from the Dark Lord and you continue to act like I don't exist! You promised me things would change when we'd go back. I didn't expect it to be so easy for you to just-"
I was cut off by his lips on mine. I gasped slightly at the unexpected action, one that I had to miss for weeks.
"I'm sorry", he whispered as he pulled back. "It's not easy for me, it's really bloody hard to stay away from you, Ellie."
"Then why do you do it? Snape is hardly around!"
"But Pansy is, and so are Crabbe and Goyle. They have been acting differently since the summer. I know they will sell me out if they ever get the chance."
I sighed. This was absolutely ridiculous. Everyone was a threat suddenly.
"And what do you expect them to do if they find out? Go to the Dark Lord himself, telling him about your relationship status? Don't make me laugh", I scoffed. Draco sighed and put his hands on my upper arms, pulling me closer.
"I just don't want to risk it. In any other situation I would, but these are our lives we're talking about, Ellie."
"So what, Draco?" I sighed. "Do you really think it matters if they know? The Dark Lord has never and will never ask for their opinion. Not even morons like Crabbe and Goyle would consider a high school romance important enough to bother the Dark Lord with. Besides, they were aware of it last year and nothing happened either. They don't know that the Dark Lord thinks I hate you."
Draco looked conflicted, as if he knew that I was right, but something was keeping him from relaxing. He looked incredibly tense.
"I missed you, Draco. The summer holiday wasn't exactly pleasant, but I had something to look forward to. I looked forward to seeing you again, here at Hogwarts."
"I missed you too", he said, gently caressing my cheek. "I really did miss you, more than anything."
"It doesn't really seem like it", I whispered, looking down. It might have been pathetic to crave his attention like that, but it hurt that he didn't seem to prioritise me at all.
"Hey, don't be like that", Draco said, lifting up my chin and putting his other hand on my waist. "You know it isn't like that. You're important to me, Ellie. I know my way of showing that might not seem like the best way right now, but I'm just trying to protect you here." He pressed his lips on my forehead, pulling me closer.
"I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself."
"I know you can", he mumbled, resting his chin on top of my head.
"Can you at least acknowledge me then, once in a while? I know we have to be really careful around Snape, but he's not around most of the time."
"You're right", he smiled. "I can do that. I have a good idea, by the way."
"And what's that?" I asked. I suddenly felt much better.
"There's a Hogsmeade trip next month. Snape never attends those. Let's go, just the two of us."
"Are you asking me out on a date, Draco?" I smirked, pulling him closer by his waist.
"And what if I am?" he pushed my hair behind my shoulder, placing a soft kiss on my nose.
"Then I guess I'm agreeing." I smiled and gently kissed him, really happy that he kissed me back. And then he pulled back, a pained look on his face.
"Are you okay?" I asked, worried about his sudden change of emotion. I noticed how his right hand gripped his left wrist.
"Yeah, just stings a little", he grunted. I took a step back, hoping it would ease the pain.
"Is it always going to be like this?" I asked.
"Perhaps", he sighed. "But then I'll just have to get used to it, because no amount of pain is keeping me away from you, Ellie."
"So, you're joining me on patrol again? It's boring without you", I sighed, still keeping my distance.
"I haven't got much time, but I'll try, okay?" I nodded, happy with the bare minimum by now.
"How are things? Have you found a way to complete the task?"
"I'm working on it", he said, avoiding my gaze.
"Hey, look at me", I said, turning his head my way. "You can trust me, okay? If the Dark Lord asks for an update, I'll just tell him something to keep him off your back, but you can still trust me if you want to talk about it. It's quite the burden to carry alone."
"And it's not your burden", Draco said, pulling me closer again. I glanced at his lower arm, but he seemed to be ignoring the ache, for me. "I'll be fine. It's a lot of work, but nothing you need to worry about. But if I ever feel like I need help, you'll be the first person I'll go to, okay?" he placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then nuzzling his face in my neck.
"You and I both know you're never going to ask for help", I chuckled, burying my hands in his light blonde hair. He chuckled, before starting a trail of kisses down my neck.
"We should head to lunch", I said reluctantly. I'd rather not skip lunch, but us both being absent would be suspicious, especially if I'd walk around the school with a hickey in my neck. Those rumours would reach even Snape's office.
"Yeah, you go ahead. I have some things to do", he said.
"You can do that after lunch. You have to eat, Draco, or you'll turn into a skeleton soon. I traced his cheekbone with my finger. He had gotten skinnier since the beginning of the summer.
"Stop worrying, I'm fine. I'll see you around." I nodded and gave him one last kiss before leaving the room, having very mixed feelings. I was happy to still have him, but it being like this was terribly draining. I just wish we could be normal, careless.
But it wasn't like that.
"Hey, are you okay?" Daphne asked as I sat down for lunch.
"Yeah, don't worry." I noticed Tracey and Blaise sharing a deep conversation on the other side of the room. I wondered if that would ever become a thing or not. Tracey wasn't one to get attached to boys, but the Blaise phase had continued for quite a while now, so maybe she was actually catching feelings. An interesting topic to discuss tonight, together with the continuation of last night's conversation about Daphne's new love interest.
My eyes travelled to Benji at the Gryffindor table, laughing with Weasley and Finnigan. We shared a couple classes, but we hadn't spoken at all since arriving at Hogwarts. I wanted to talk to him, to ask him if he would really avoid me because his sister told him to, but my pride didn't allow that. If he was going to stop being my friend simply because of my background - which he had always been aware of - then he wasn't worthy of my time. I didn't need prejudiced people in my life, people who didn't care for who I was as a person, but simply judged me for my parents.
But it still hurt, to think about some of our moments last year and to realise that that probably wouldn't happen again. People always admired me for my wealth and status, but what did it get me in the end? A whole lot of loneliness and judgemental people. I guess that's why I couldn't give up on the idea of Voldemort's side being the good side. In my brain I knew that our ways were wrong and unethical, but at least they accepted me there. Was it so wrong for me to want to feel like I was a part of something?
"Lea, you're zoning out again. Are you sure you're okay?" Daphne asked again. I shook the stupid thoughts away. I was overthinking again and for what? I was back at Hogwarts, not at home anymore. I had to relax.
"I'm fine, honestly, so what are the plans for this afternoon since we both don't have class?"