38| dumb
"tell me why you actually left this morning."
taehyung gulped and looked to his and jeongguk's intertwined hands, as a heavy feeling settled down in the pit of his stomach.
it was the perfect moment to let out what his heart had been keeping in during their whole relationship— jeongguk's ex-lover, jaehee.
he could let go of the pressure that lies on his shoulders when thinking about her, he could talk to jeongguk about it and tell him. but he was scared to disappoint the blond, scared that he'll get angry at him. as far as taehyung knows, jaehee is a sensitive topic for the older male. so sensitive, jeongguk tend to loose his mind and burst out in anger.
taehyung was scared.
all that kept bugging him was the fear of not being the one jeongguk really loves, but only being a replacement, the second option. he was scared, because he loves jeongguk just too much and thinking about him loving someone else more, hurts.
sudden tears formed in the black haired eyes and jeongguk noticed that, turning the steering wheel and driving off to the side of the highway, stopping there.
"what's wrong, princess?"
taehyung looked up to him, eyes getting lost into jeongguk's black orbs that were glistening with a slight worry, suffocating the younger male even more.
"jeon..." he looked back to their hands, jeongguk's tattooed, bigger hand spooning taehyung's smaller perfectly. the words were forming on his tongue and before he even processed what his thoughts were on about, his lips were faster, "do you love me... the most?"
taehyung felt childish and stupid for asking such a question, for appearing like a teenager in fifth grade being jealous of someone's ex-girlfriend.
but the ravenette wanted to let it out now, he tries to not bring jaehee into it, he'll try to get convinced that he was the only one jeongguk loved.
jeongguk stared at the smaller male for a few seconds, confusion written in his face by the unexpected question. he turned his gaze forward again, before letting go of the steering wheel with a deep sigh. next thing he did, was unbuckle his seatbelt and then reaching over to do the same with taehyung's, before he sat back down, adjusting in the seat a little better
and then he patted his thigh, looking straight into taehyung's eyes.
the smaller male gulped, "y-you don't want me to sit on your lap—
with an eyeroll, jeongguk reached forward again, this time lifting taehyung up, sitting him on his lap, hands resting on his hips.
taehyung tried to avoid jeongguk's gaze by turning away, but jeongguk took taehyung's chin in his hand, softly turning his face to him.
"why are you crying?" he asked softly, taehyung feeling like a lost puppy. "i-i am scared you love someone else more."
jeongguk was confused, he couldn't understand why taehyung was acting like this, saying things like that. he sighed softly and pulled taehyung's head against the left side of his chest.
taehyung let out a surprised sound, but jeongguk shushed him with a small 'shh'.
"do you hear it?" the blond asked and taehyung tried to understand what he was meaning, furrowed eyebrows loosening when he heard the other's heartbeat.
thump
thump
thump
taehyung had no other option but to close his eyes, as the sound of jeongguk's heart thumping inside of him was causing his tears to stop and him to relax.
"do you hear it?" jeongguk asked once again and taehyung sat up a little, so he could look up to jeongguk. "i do." he whispered.
jeongguk eyed taehyung fondly, moving his hand up to tuck a small strand of his hair behind his ear. "i love you, taehyung. you are the cause of this." he said, pointing to his heart. "there's no one who can do that to me besides you. no one who i love more or as much as i love you."
he takes taehyung's hand in his, moving it to his lips, where he pressed a featherlight kiss to his knuckles. still straddling jeongguk's lap, taehyung looked into his eyes, finding the whole galaxy reflecting in them.
now taehyung felt nothing more but dumb. jeongguk let his whole guard down for him, he changed for the better through him, he risked his life for him, got hurt for him, did everything for taehyung to be happy, to be contented, live comfortably.
and he deadass dares to questions jeongguk's love to him.
"i-i'm so sorry, i-i love you, jeon— i'm so dumb—
taehyung let a surprised sound out, when his next words got swallowed by a pair of lips on his own. jeongguk kissed him softly, with no shown demand, but the wish for taehyung to shut up and stop apologizing.
hesitantly, the younger kissed back, eventually scooting closer to jeongguk, as he succumbed to the feeling of love and comfort.
jeongguk was the first to cut off. he opened his eyes, only to find a tear running down taehyung's cheek and brushed it away.
"why are you apologizing and... how come a question like that ran through your mind? have i done something?" never before had taehyung felt a colder shiver run down his spine than now.
in the end the truth will always find its way to the surface, so maybe speaking out his concerns was the right decision to make now.
"if i tell you, promise me you won't be mad..."
jeongguk tilted his head confused, raising his eyebrow and taehyung gulped. it was a hot move, seriously, but it was making taehyung only more nervous because jeongguk looked so demanding. well, shit.
he just sighed. "is it... alright if i talk about jaehee?"
taehyung felt jeongguk tense up by that, the older male's expression got even more confused. "you know her?"
taehyung nodded softly "jin hyung had told me a lot about her."
jeongguk took a shallow breath. "why do you want to talk about her?"
taehyung looked down, regretting that he started this topic now. the two were still sitting in the car, on the side of a street, taehyung straddling the older's lap. he didn't know what to do, he suddenly felt so nervous and dumb, he just started playing with the hem of jeongguk's shirt, trying to distract himself.
"i'm really sorry that she isn't here anymore" he started, feeling jeongguk tense even more. was he doing the right thing? "and i don't know how she was and the way jin hyung described her, she was an amazing person, you loved her a lot, she was your everything ." taehyung continued looking down and playing with jeongguk's shirt, while the older listened to him, with a confused look and mixed feelings.
he really didn't understand what taehyung has to do with jaehee.
"i'm kinda scared... that you still love her more than me."
jeongguk raised an eyebrow by that, leaning back. "what do you mean?" taehyung shuddered, just wanting to cry again, because jeongguk's voice was so deep and for the first time since a month, he was scared of him again.
"i'm sorry... i just maybe... want to let it go now. you are always so easily irritated when someone mentions her and you... keep mentioning her name in sleep and i don't know, it makes me feel... suffocated. i hate to be this person.." taehyung cursed at himself for acting like a toxic boyfriend.
"are you serious?" jeongguk's tone was tight, his teeth gritted, taehyung felt like crying.
"i-i'm sorry, i just feel like this..."
jeongguk huffed, averting his gaze from taehyung. he couldn't believe it. "you can't compare the two of you."
taehyung's breath hitched. "i-i know." he gulped, heart shattering into thousands of small pieces. "but, i thought you still love her too much, to be able to... you know, really love me.."
jeongguk turned back to look at him, glare at him, he never knew that he'll be that mad at taehyung someday. taehyung wanted to go down from jeongguk's lap, he was scared the older might do something and taehyung couldn't escape.
"you're not seriously comparing how much i love the two of you." the mafia leader scoffed, flicking his tongue.
taehyung's lips must already be bloody red by now, it even started to sting, as he bit to hard on it.
"i-i know, she's your first love and she holds a special place in your heart forever—" jeongguk stared at taehyung with widened eyes, "—you miss her and y-you probably want her back, i can understand.."
"r-remember when i was a little distant in the beginning? you always told me i make you feel a way no one else ever did and i instantly had to think about jaehee, i didn't trust you, because she probably also made you feel this way—
"what—
"w-wait. let me explain." jeongguk stayed quiet, he looked at taehyung with an unbelieving expression, wondering what the hell brought taehyung to think like this.
"i-i was insecure, you know. i thought you don't love me the way you probably love jaehee, i mean jin hyung showed me so many pictures and you always looked so happy and you.. changed your whole life when she wasn't there anymore... i'm so dumb, i know you love me and i-i love you, i shouldn't have thought that... i'm so sorry."
"i should be there for you to forget jaehee, but i can't help to feel this way, to feel this suffocated knowing... your ex-girlfriend still means so much to you."
"then yesterday night when you mentioned her name in sleep, i started crying." taehyung felt jeongguk's hand on his waist. "i-i'm so dumb... she was your first love, i shouldn't be this... pathetic. you're probably disappointed in me—
"are you done talking, taehyung?"
taehyung froze, the words getting knocked out of his lung. he stayed quiet and just looked down, feeling pathetic and useless. he didn't dare to look up to jeongguk.
he was waiting for the older to shout at him and to tell him what a bitch he is for saying things like that, for doing something like that. but he never expected these next words to leave the older's lips.
"you know, that you are my first love, do you?"
taehyung was confused, he looked up to jeongguk, the male was neither glaring, nor was he smiling, his expression wasn't plain either though. he just looked at him with something expecting in his eyes.
"i-i don't understand..." taehyung mumbled. jaehee was jeongguk's ex-girlfriend, he loved her, how can he then be his first love?
"you loved jaehee though."
"i still love her." jeongguk said and taehyung nodded understanding, looking back down. "and i do miss her." he added, taehyung felt his chest tightening.
"then why are you telling me that i am your first love?" taehyung's voice was almost a whisper.
"because kim taehyung is the only person i ever fell in love with."
taehyung stared at him.
"you're confusing me."
"that's how i felt when you began to talk about jaehee" jeongguk shrugged and taehyung thought there must be something wrong.
"or... weren't we talking about the same jeon jaehee?"
taehyung's eyes widened. "jeon? you were married?!"
jeongguk looked at him in disbelief and then laughed. "i'm not a fan of incest, baby. jin hyung told you i love her, but not that she is our sister?"
"sister?" taehyung repeated in a whisper to himself and then clasped his hands onto his mouth. "oh my god."
jeongguk chuckled. he doesn't know how taehyung succeeds to make him forget his biggest trauma and even kind of laugh about it, but he is more than thankful that he's doing that. that he is here with him.
"sh-she is your sister and i-i thought, what. i'm so dumb, i'm so sorry, ggukie, i—
"you couldn't know." jeongguk patted taehyung's hair. "i thought you were out your mind when you mentioned jaehee like she was your opponent, but when i realized you were misunderstanding it, i just tried to hold back from laughing."
taehyung still felt bad as hell though. "i'm a bad boyfriend, ain't i? i didn't even know you had a—"
"i... didn't want you to know."
taehyung looked up through batted eyelashes, when jeongguk let out a deep sigh. "you told me about what concerns you... i'm going to tell you what concerns me."
author
i bet by now no one is even surprised anymore lmao
half of the comments will be like: I KNEW IT
soooo, ramadan is over and you can expect updates from now on:D