[🌙]
[Y/N's POV]
1:48 AM.
I've stayed up past 12, unable to find that wishful doze of sleepiness to wash over me. I was but a motionless body on the bed, covers pulled up to my chest as I tried to feel comfortable. Taehyun was already sleeping peacefully beside me. I have been staring at him for some time, admiring his godly beauty. However, I still wasn't put to an ease.
"Just sleep," I mumbled, covering my eyes. "Ria said skincare doesn't work if I stay up late.. Shit, just sleep.."
I tossed, turned, and curled. Nothing. I kept on finding myself staring either at the ceiling or the bedside clock, flashing its dim, red numbers.
"No, God.."
My mouth belted a yawn but my eyes didn't feel heavy. I gave up. I slowly heaved myself out of bed, careful not to wake the sleeping angel next to me. He softly grunted and turned to his side as I left. I then wore my glasses, dragged myself to the vanity, and took a hand mirror before seeing myself out in the balcony.
The city was still awake despite the late hour. Buildings standing close to each other were either black blocks in the night or radiated square lights from several windows. Streets below held a few cars speeding through since it was no longer rush hour. Engines and honks were songs to my ears as I looked up. There were no stars tonight but the moon shyly peeked behind a thin curtain of clouds.
"Nights like this," I hummed. "I remember Ria and I stargazing with our friends by the cliff at this late hour.."
A small laughter rang out of me as I reminisced the joyful memories. It wasn't long enough though that my smile faded.
"Not until I figured out they were talking behind.. Behind my back.." I quaver. "..and it was only Ria who stood up instead of leaving like they did.."
Two tears rolled down my cheeks. I looked down on the hand mirror. My reflection sadly stared back at me. The more I gaze at my glasses and messed up demeanor, the more my heart twists and my stomach churns.
"You look horrible." I spat. "There's no wonder why your friends left you. Yeah? They wouldn't like to keep a freak around the squad."
"Why can't you be like Ria? Why didn't you just listen to her advices for so long? Why did it take you years to fully understand how much of a throwaway you are unless you become pretty?!"
"You should be thankful that Taehyun had the guts to stick with you because if he weren't made to see you as a goddess, he'd fucking run away the moment you breathe on his face."
I silently sobbed. Those words I just threw hurt me. They felt like daggers stabbed all through my body. I didn't know why; I've always felt like belittling myself for it was all that I deserve. Maybe.. Maybe the problem really is in me.
"You're probably the hard-headed piece of shit who tries to stand out from the crowd by being different. You definitely deserve a place for jokes, stupid."
"Pathetic. You're just pathetic, Y/N. Your 'being different' drama won't make you feel loved. Why are you so hungry for attention? Just be like them. It's not that hard."
My grip on the mirror tightened. My chest felt heavier, like there was a boulder sitting on top of it. I sobbed harder, one hand holding onto the railings shakily as I felt my knees weaken. Too much. It was all too much.
The way I hated myself.. The way people bury the fact that no one will ever accept me unless I have to do something.. It was just too much..
"Y/N?"
Before I could wipe my tears, I heard footsteps rushing to me. A pair of hands grabbed my shoulders, turning my body to face him. His eyelids were heavy from waking up, though one could see a hint of concern and panic in his eyes.
"There, there.." Taehyun wiped my tears away. "It's alright, I'm here now.. I got you, I got you.."
"I can't.." I struggled to talk. "Take it.. Anymore.."
"Shhh, shhh.. Take it easy, Y/N.."
"It's.. Too much.. I don't want to.. Be here.. Anymore.."
"Hey, hey, look at me." He held my chin. "Don't say that, baby. Please, deep breaths for me, hmm?"
"Please, don't look.. At me.."
"But.. But why..?" He brushed my stray hairs. "Why shouldn't I?"
"Taehyun, I'm ugly!" I finally said. "You just can't.. You can't see it! I'm disgusting! I am worth to be hated! I don't deserve you! Or this! Or even the fact that I'm here! I don't deserve anything! Please, don't look at me!"
He blinked once, probably on disbelief. I tore my gaze away from him due to frustration. I could still feel his eyes set to me though. He didn't say anything. We were trapped in this tensioned silence. One was confused, the other was crumbling apart. All of a sudden, he snatched my hand mirror and smashed it against the railing.
"What are you doing?!" I shrieked.
The frame fell to the floor. Shards of broken glass spread all around. He glared at it. For the first time, he glared.. At a broken mirror.. As if it did him wrong.
"That," he pointed at it. "Is what makes you think this way, I know."
"You didn't have to do that!" My voice shook. "You can't break my things just because you wanted to!"
"It's not that I wanted to," he gently said. "It's because I didn't want you to see yourself this way."
I scoffed. "That doesn't make sense."
"I woke up thinking you were off doing fine," he sighed. "I didn't realize you were still suffering in silence until I got up to look for you."
I didn't speak. I just hugged myself, beckoning him to speak further if he had anything else to say. He did.
"I wanted you beside me because it's you where I can feel warmth, Y/N. Your looks don't matter to m-"
"It's because you were made that way."
"And that frustrates me!" He raised his voice. "It pisses me that everytime I try to invalidate your self-hatred, all you had to say was that I was made to see you beautifully when I'm not!"
I trembled. Never did he raise his voice before which alarmed me. He sounded agitated yet hurt. I swallowed the courage and met his eyes. There were tears in them.
"I wasn't made to praise you.. Or to see you as an angel.. No, you didn't make me for that.." He muttered. "You made me to love you.."
"..I-"
"And it hurts to see you in pain.. It hurts knowing that even with my presence, you still can't forget the horrible things you've been through.. I wanted to take them away, Y/N.. If you would just let me.. You made me.."
He took my hands to his and brought it up to his soft chest. My tension drained at the warmth he radiated.
"Use me.." He begged. "Let me erase your nightmares, please.."
My head mindlessly nodded at his plea. Within a second, I found myself in his loving embrace. At that moment, I just lost it. My eyes were waterfalls, shoulders shaking as he soothed me with gentle back pats. He gently swayed me sideways. His chin was sitting on top of my head.
"I found a love for me," he suddenly sang. "Darling, just dive right in and follow my lead."
"Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet. Oh, I never knew you were that someone waiting for me."
He slowly parted from me. He took my hand and kissed it, making me blush. By then, he took me to a waltz.
"'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love, not knowing what it was. I will not give you up this time."
"But darling, just kiss me slow. Your heart is all I own. And in your eyes, you're holding mine."
"Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms. Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite songs."
I eventually snuggled my face against his shirt. We moved all over the balcony, him singing like an angel as I hummed along. It came to a point where he backed me up against the wall. He stood before me, eyes looking down lovingly to mine as he smiled. His hands traveled up to my face, cupping it as he inched close. I pressed myself further to the concrete, bracing for what's to come.
"When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath but you heard it.. Baby you look perfect tonight."
"I don't deserve this.. You look perfect tonight.."
And then he kissed me.