ADAM
I needed to get out. The walls of my apartment felt as if they would crush me at any moment. I spent the night tossing and turning in bed and didn't want to disturb Claire's sleep. The TV in the living room didn't provide any comfort and I can't work since we are officially on vacation during this month. My chest hurt and I began sweating again. The only solution that occurred to me was to get out and walk my anxiety away. If it wasn't for the fact that I have an appointment with the cardiologist this afternoon, I would have gone to the emergency room. I don't want to worry anyone unnecessarily so I'll wait. My hands are freezing and I'm not wearing a hat, but the cold air seems to calm me.
Claire has spent the past two evenings with me since New Year's Eve. We are tip-toeing around each other on the subject of what's bothering her. I've been busy and when I have free time, she doesn't seem in the mood for a deep conversation. I care about her so much, and it's puzzling not knowing what I could have done wrong.
Time has gone by, but I don't know how much since I forgot to put my watch on and left my phone at the apartment. People jog or walk to a nearby train station, so I guess I must have been sitting here for a few hours. I should go home, but can't face what waits for me. A police agent watches me and before he approaches, I change my mind and walk back to my building. When I open the door, I find Claire at the dining table, her phone in her hands and a packed bag at her feet.
"Where were you? I was worried to death!" She stands up when she sees me.
"I went for a walk."
"A walk? I woke up and it was five fifteen. You were gone, and left your wallet and phone here. Do you know how much it freaked me out that you were gone? I was about to call Erin right when you opened the door!"
"I just needed some fresh air, that's all," I say and feel like wanting to run out of the door again.
"Why? If something was bothering you, if you were not feeling well, you could have woken me up!"
"I couldn't sleep. I have a doctor's appointment at one today."
"An appointment? Adam, this irritates the hell out of me. What is the purpose of us being in a relationship when you can't even share with me when you have a doctor's appointment?"
"Well, you haven't been too talkative in the last weeks."
Claire's eyes turn into slits and her face turns furious. "How do you think it feels when everybody around you has stable relationships and plans for the future? I don't even know where we are headed off or if we have a future at all. You don't talk to me unless it is to tell me something about the club's administration. For all I know, you only keep me around for a convenient fuck."
"Claire, I really love you," I hold her arm and she shakes free of it.
"You love me? Well, you have quite a nice way of showing it. Whenever I'm here, I feel as if I'm an inconvenience. I don't dare to leave one hairpin around that you might think I'm invading your space."
"Claire, please," I hold onto the kitchen counter for fear of falling. Breathing is difficult.
"Adam, we need to rethink this. I thought it was a matter of being patient, but I don't see changes. You don't trust me. You don't share what's in your mind. I stayed at my parents after Christmas with the hope that it would open your eyes, make you miss me. But nothing happened. This isn't working."
Claire grabs her bag and leaves the apartment without turning to look back. My air pipes open but I feel like someone has ripped the life out of me.
"Adam? Are you okay?" Erin says when she hears me sniffling on the phone.
"Claire broke up with me," I manage to say before I break into sobs.
"I'll be there soon," my sister says and hangs up.
I still don't understand what happened, but it seems to be on me. Her anger and disappointed face keep replaying in my head until the door opens and Erin comes inside.
"Come here," she opens her arms and I accept the hug while wetting her shoulder with tears.
Once I calm down enough to talk I let Erin know what happened. "She pretty much said that I don't trust her and find it inconvenient that she stays here. That is not true. I really like having her here. She said I don't communicate too."
"And do you?"
"I mean, sometimes I want to tell her stuff, but she will worry."
"Adam, that is part of being in a relationship. If she worries it only means she cares about you. I know where you come from, that's when our pact started. I have reconsidered it and we should tell our parents when things aren't well instead of them finding out through Rory."
"Or we should include Rory in the pact," I say and she shakes her head.
"You need to open your heart to her to gain her trust. You need to realize that she isn't just a guest around here and the moment you shared your bed with her, she had the right to feel at home in this place. In fact, why don't you ask her to move in with you?"
"Erin, we have known each other for months only. You still live with Sam, even though you are engaged."
"For practical reasons. Matt and I are looking for a bigger apartment to live in when we get married. If I move now, I'll have to move again next year. You need to realize that things won't be much different than now. The difference is that Claire can help you pay for this place and be here whenever you need her. You should be having this conversation with her instead of me."
"It's different. We shared a womb," I try to joke. "And I'm too late to make amends."
"Give her time to cool off and then talk with her. Like really talk and not about the club. Don't you have a doctor's appointment today?"
"I do. Which is also information I kept from her and didn't go well."
"Do you want me to come with you to the appointment?" She rubs my back in a soothing way.
"Please. Erin, I'm so scared. I've been feeling this strange flutters when I'm anxious and breathing gets difficult. I didn't even know I was having a heart attack when I had it, what if I have something serious?"
"Are you feeling them now?"
"No, I'm just exhausted. I barely slept."
"Take a hot shower and a nap. I'll wake you up on time to get dressed."
Since I feel as if I'm going to crumble at any moment, I follow her advice and fall asleep after letting the hot water relax my body.
-*-
"Adam, wake up."
I sit in the bed and notice something. "Something smells good. Did you cook?"
"You know I can't cook to save my life. I had soup delivered. Seemed like the right option and it's on the nutritionist menu on the fridge."
I get ready and my stomach welcomes the warm food. After finishing, we grab our jackets and get in my car. Erin entertains me during the drive talking about how she's looking forward to spending time with our parents in Sea Glass Beach and that she hopes the time off gives her inspiration to write more songs. I must admit that our patrons enjoy them plenty at the club.
We arrive at the doctor's office and I announce myself at the reception. Erin shows me stuff from an entertainment magazine while we wait and I think of Claire, who loves those. I don't know exactly how I'll fix things, but I really need to because she's the best thing that has happened to me.
"Adam Sommer," a nurse calls.
Erin joins me as I get my vital signs checked and then the same nurse escorts us to an examination room.
"Adam, how are you doing?" The doctor shakes hands with me and Erin, and sits behind his desk. "Your results show great improvement. You've lost enough weight that I can order to relax your nutritional plan. Only your readings from a moment ago were quite high. Are you going through stress right now?"
"My girlfriend broke up with me this morning."
"I'm very sorry to hear that. At the same time it explains the high blood pressure."
The doctor uses an echo to check my heart and seems pleased with what he sees. I tell him about the heart flutters and he says it's a common side effect of my medicine. As a result, I get a new prescription before we say good bye. As we walk outside, I see Claire standing next to my car.
"Erin called me," she says.
"Can we go somewhere to talk? Just you and I?"
Claire nods. I offer to take Erin home first, but she says she'll take a taxi. Claire and I drive our respective cars to O'Brien's. Once we take place at a table I begin to talk in a way that only she can hear me.
"I'm really sorry... For everything. I'm not great at sharing what's in my mind. The times I've done so I end up worrying people if it's about my health issues, or end up being made fun at. In class people disliked me, thought of me as a know-it-all. When I realized this, I just stopped participating in class, kept to myself. My only friends were Noah and Sam, and people found it difficult to believe that I was related to Erin and Rory since they were both social butterflies. I only talk about the club because it's the one place where I can be myself, and people like me and respect me. I never wanted to make you feel like you don't belong at home... Our home. In the days after Christmas, the apartment felt so empty without you. I knew you were feeling upset, but I didn't know how to approach the situation. I guess all the talks about marriage have you wondering if I want that with you. I do, but I'm not as fast as the guys. I just want to enjoy the moment as boyfriend and girlfriend if you take me back."
A server comes to get our order, and seeing that Claire ordered an assortment of pastries makes me think that the conversation is not over.
"This is all I wanted, Adam. Listening to marriage plans didn't upset me. What did was feeling that everyone around us had a connection so deep that it moved them to make a commitment. I felt we didn't have that. This is a start."
"Claire, it will take some time for me to adjust and open up. Just remind me, please."
Claire moves her chair next to mine, then holds my hand and kisses me. I feel light flutters in my heart, but this time I know they are the right kind.