I left Randhir's room abruptly. I was scared... scared about what would happen today when I meet her... scared about what would I say to her... scared about how I showed my vulnerable side to Randhir... Scared about what would have happened if I would have stayed there any longer.
I was walking on the side step of the road. The city was waking up slowly. Paper boys were on their duties, few school kids were waiting on the side of the road for their bus. Wind was blowing through my hair and gently caressing my face but all I could think about was my hug with Randhir and how it would go with my mom.
What must he be thinking when I hugged him abruptly? Does he think I am scared? Of course he does... I specifically told him that.
What will I say to my mom when I meet her today? Should I call her mom or Sonam Jain? How will today go? Will she recognise me?
That is when I started feeling cool raindrops on my face. They felt good as against my hot skin and burning thoughts. All I want is a normal life, with an end to all this. I asked a bystander about NEW LIFE NGO. Its an NGO for women and kids. My mom works there.
I still dont know what will I say to her? I had been practicing this conversation in my head over and over again for 10 years but no, nothing seems right. I dont want today to go terribly. I just felt under prepared. Should I buy her flowers or something? I feel as if I am about to give me Physics exam all over again.
Though I was deliberately walking slowly, the red brick building of the NGO was visible now from a distance. There was no turning back now. It was now or never.
Sanyukta, you can do this! Randhir's words rang in my head. That guy had more faith in me than I had in myself. It's not like I dont know that he has a thing for me. It is so obvious with him being all shy and nervous around me, remembering even the smallest details of whatever I tell him and just being there for me and putting up with my craziness. He tries to hide it well, but growing up alone I am very observant, I notice all his little efforts to make me happy. But I don't acknowledge them. I know its rude and I shouldn't do this but... its not like he is a bad guy. He is really nice, everything a girl would ask for. He has been putting up with all my tantrums all this time but how can I lead him on when I am already in such a huge mess called my life. I don't want him to feel left out just because I can't solve my own issues, moreover I don't want to burden him with my emotional baggage. That will be so selfish, wouldn't it be?
I was thinking all this when I found myself outside the gate of the huge building.
"Yes ma'am... Do you have an appointment?" A watchman asked me and I looked around confused. Do I really want to go in there?
I was about to say no when someone interrupted me.
"Are you Mitali? You are here for the interview, right?" This voice... This soothing, comforting voice. The voice that had sung lullabies to me. I looked up at the source of this voice and saw the woman I had come to meet here. Sonam Jain Kashyap. But now her name tag said Sonam Mehra.
So she remarried.
Of course, she did. A bitter chuckle came in my throat but I stopped it from escaping.
I just wanted to look at her for a while. She hadn't changed much, except that few of her hair had turned gray and she had some wrinkles on her face but she still looked beautiful in that salwar kurta as always. Mustard colour always suited her. She had her hair down, unlike how she used to keep it in a bun when she was still Sonam Kashyap. Taking a deep breath and gulping, I croaked out a small yes.
Damn, what am I doing? Why don't I confront her directly? What has happened to you, Sanyukta? What if the real Mitali comes in? What happened to all your resolutions and questions you had to ask her?
Shaking my head, I entered and started walking behind her.
"So what do you want to ask?" She asked in her mellow voice and I just wanted to shake her and cry and ask her everything.
"So mo... I mean maam..." Damn, I dont know what to ask her. What do I do now?
"You can call me Sonam."
"So Sonam maam... Tell us something about the NGO?" I tried my best to sound like an interviewer.
"I have been working with these people for 10 years now. Here, we teach the ladies to sustain themselves and their kids, to stand up for themselves and such things. They are taught and told the need to have their own identity. I like to see the smile on their faces every time they achieve something huge. I came here from Varanasi for this only and I am really happy with their progress." She said with sparkle in her eyes.
But this made my heart drop down. She had really forgotten about me. She didn't mention Lucknow, the place where she came as a daughter in law, the place where I was born. She has totally moved on from us. Why am I even here? Is there any point to all this?
"... As of these kids, some of them all orphans while others were abandoned by their parents. It is really difficult to re unite them. After all these years of separation, neither the parents recognise them, nor do they. Even if parents do recognise them, they don't want them back because they have moved on from them and don't want any new beginning or addition in their otherwise stable life." I knew she was talking about something else... But this sentence pinched me in my heart. I just want to throw up now. I dont want to do this anymore.
"So will this article appear online?" She asked me and turned towards me. I hurriedly masked my emotions... Well I have mastered this covering of my emotions after all these years of practice and nodded in affirmation.
"Will you let me know when you post this? You know, there is not a lot of awareness about this issue and people don't really care about it. Kids who have been abandoned at a young age get very depressed and its really hard to bring them back to their normal selves. They grow up to be commitment phobic and mostly under confident and are neglected by the whole world. They grow up in a shell and don't let anyone near them or into their heart as they are scared that everyone would leave them." Right now, I just wanted to shake her and shout at her.
I followed her to her office and when I stepped inside, I was shocked to say the least. On the mantelpiece, I saw me. Different stages of my life. It was covered with my pictures from age 13 to age 18. Every important day of my life was there. My dance rehearsals, my birthdays everything was on the mantel piece in the form of a picture. Was she in contact with my grandparents? Why didn't she ever come to meet me? Why would she do this?
"She... she is my daughter. Sanyukta!" She must have noticed me looking at the pictures and I kicked myself. What am I doing? Why am I making everything so obvious? Am I an idiot?
"So Sonam maam, did you have to sacrifice a lot? You know, it is a time consuming work and stuff." I looked closely to catch her reaction.
A guilty smile came on her lips as she kept quiet for moment thinking about my question.
Taking a sip of her now cold coffee, she spoke, "I made a mistake. An unforgivable one at that. I hurt someone very close to me, someone who should never have been hurt at the first place, who didn't deserve anything that she had to go through. She was supposed to be my angel and I hurt her. Not a day had passed since then that I haven't cursed myself for this. I tried a lot to contact her, to apologise but every time I chickened out. I just hope she forgives me." She looked at me and as if realised that I was a stranger. Clearing her throat, she chuckled, "Look at me, boring you with stuff like this. I am so silly."
"No it is totally fine. If you dont mind me asking, whom are you talking about?" I knew I was over stepping but I had to know what she was thinking.
"My daughter, Sanyukta. I had to leave her when she was 12. Maybe it was the guilt of doing this that brought me here to help these people. I want to meet her now, but I don't even know where she is. She has just vanished in thin air. I just hope to meet her someday. She will be 24 this year." She looked at me again and gave me a small smile and then frowned.
"Now that I think about it... You have an uncanny resemblance with her." This caught me tongue – tied as I raked my mind as to what to say.
"Umm... I just... I just have one of those faces." I smiled hoping that she got convinced.
We talked a bit more about the NGO and she invited me to have lunch with her only. When my eyes went to the watch, it was already 3. I was here for almost 5 hours and I haven't told her the truth... I didn't want to. I was scared. I didn't want today to end on a bad note even though I knew that she wanted to meet her daughter.
I got ready to leave and soon was out of the gate signing off on the register. Once on the road I started rewinding everything that happened today.
This simple conversation wasn't why I was here. I was here for answers. I was here to tell her that I hated her... For ruining my childhood and my growing up years. I was here to ask her if she is happy after abandoning me, if sleep comes easily to her at night. Is she happy after remarrying, after costing me my own happiness? I needed her to protect me, to help me with everything... but whenever I looked around for support I never found her hand to hold on to. I couldn't believe I let her make me all emotional and think that she is a good person. How can I be so naive? How can I let her do this to me again?
I turned back to the NGO determined to tell her what I felt about her... and even if she kept trying her daughter whom she abandoned wont ever be back to her... things will never get back to normal. The enraged Sanyukta took over me with all the emotions inside me fighting to come out.
As I entered the watchman looked at me with tired eyes... he then shrugged at me and let me go inside without again registering my name. Wow, that's really dangerous and careless on his part.
I went to her office and saw her standing near my pictures, just looking at them. So she does think about me... She was mumbling something incoherent and I couldn't disturb her.
That is when a girl of about 10 came and hugged her. My mom hugged her back and they chatted for a while about stuff in her school. That could have been me... that should have been me. The anger started to build again and I cleared my throat thus breaking their moment.
"Mitali... did you need something?" She came towards me and hadn't noticed the anger on my face.
"Oh yes... Sorry to disturb your family moment." I said trying hard to keep away the anger from my voice. I didn't want to snap in front of a child.
"No its okay. Sanjana get me some water please." With this, the girl who was shying away behind my mom, holding her dupatta.
Wish I had a cigarette with me right now.
"So she is your daughter?" I asked scared that I will choke. Before answering she looked around as if scared that someone will hear us.
"Actually she thinks that she is my daughter."
"Umm... what? I dont follow."
"She was 2 when she lost both her parents during earthquake. She doesn't remembers anything. As she grew up she started calling me mom... I also liked it as I had lost my daughter. So yes that's that."
I was now confused about why she had changed her last name. That is when a man of about 40 entered the room and stood near my mom with a hand on her shoulder.
"Sona... where have you been all day? And who is she?" He asked looking at me.
"Pratap, this is Mitali. I had told you about the interview, right? Mitali this is my husband, Pratap." I stood there looking at them with my fists clenched as they started talking about something.
"Umm... Sonam maam I forgot to take a picture of you. Can I have a picture of you two?" There was a sparkle in his eyes as he held her closer to him and they smiled at the camera.
She looked happy.
They looked happy.
Maybe, it was time for me to be happy too.
Part 2 coming right up :)
Btw do watch the video attached... I found it cute 😸