When you said your last goodbye,
I died a little bit inside.
I lay in tears in bed all night,
Alone without you by my side.
Alice spent the whole night tossing and turning in bed. She couldn't seem to be able to sleep when she felt like a part of her was missing. She couldn't get herself to stop thinking about him. He might have physically left, but he couldn't seem to leave her mind. It was getting harder. She knew it would be hard but it has only now struck her that she wouldn't be able to handle it. She missed her man. She missed her soulmate. Why did it have to be this way? She wanted to know why. They were happy. It took years to get to where they were and it only took a blink of an eye for it to be taken away again.
She could feel the heartbreak taking over her body again. The excruciating pain teased every inch of her. It felt like she was saying goodbye to him all over again and she would think that going through it once was enough.
He had held her tight in his arms as he leaned against his motorcycle. The look in his eyes was all she needed to know that he was sorry for doing this. He wanted her to come but she couldn't. She had to stay and it only made it hurt more.
Their son was gone. His son would be leaving for the midwest soon. Her eldest daughter was gone. Her other daughter would be leaving soon for college, too. She thought he was lucky though. He still got to have his daughter. She on the other hand had no one. Not her grandchildren. Not one person she could call her friend. She was alone. FP was everything to her and now he was leaving.
She grabbed a hold of his face. The tears in his eyes were just like her own. She couldn't say goodbye. She just couldn't. She wanted to hold onto him forever.
"I love you, Al. This isn't a goodbye, alright?"
"You really mean that?"
"I will be back for you, baby. Don't you worry."
"I'll be waiting," A tiny smile formed on the corner of her lips before it dropped. "I love you, too, FP." She pulled his face up to hers. Her lips latched onto his. He pulled her closer to him. He didn't think he would be able to let go either.
FP pulled back to say something important. "There's something I wanted to give you, but I don't have it on me. I left it back at the house for you to find." He could see the curiosity in her eyes so he continued to explain. "I left it there for a reason. It was going to be too hard to do it in person. You'll find a letter addressed to you. It was meant to get to you years ago, but it never did. I held onto it for a reason. I want you to have it."
"You wrote me a letter?"
"It's only fair that you get it now."
"Where is it?"
"You'll find it when the time is right. I promise." FP pressed his forehead against hers. He has yet to let go of her. "You'll just know."
The chatter of their children started to fill their ears. Betty and Jughead were coming towards them hand and hand. Jellybean was at their side. They had given their parents a moment alone.
FP pressed a kiss on Alice's forehead then stood up straight. It was time to say goodbye to his son, too. She watched him pull his son into a hug. It was all happening so fast. In the blink of an eye he was driving away with Jellybean and she was holding onto Betty's hand fighting more tears from falling. She just wanted to know why it had to be this way.
But if you loved me,
Why'd you leave me?
She never expected to fall in love with FP Jones at such a young age. She never expected to be in love with him for this long. She never expected for a teenage love affair to blossom into a blended family, but she wouldn't change it one bit. There was only one thing she would change if she could. His decision to always leave her. This last one hurt the most. She was sure he loved her. From every stolen kiss to every single fight they have ever had, she was sure he was the one. So why was he gone?
They shared a life together. They pretended to hate each other for years because they were afraid of admitting the truth. They watched their kids ironically fall in love.
She had tried to prove his innocence when he was sentenced to prison. She was there for him the moment he was released, even taking the opportunity to tease him like back in the day. She had warned him about the dangers of the town while he was cooped up in a cell. She tried watching out for him in her own little way.
He had attempted to convince her that everything that happened between them were not all mistakes. He had even let it slip that he wanted her to leave her husband. He had disappointed her when he took back what he said about leaving the Serpents, but the same man risked his parole to help her resolve a problem she got wrangled into. We take care of our own, he said, and he lived up to every word. He had helped her try to resolve things with her daughter because he didn't want her to go through what he did with his son.
She had started to feel that same old spark she had felt when they were just a couple of kids themselves. She was grateful and she had found ways to prove it to him. She had built up the courage to fall in love with him all over again. Then there it was. She broke her heart again. He didn't accept her invite to her performance at the high school. Or so she was led to believe. She unintentionally broke his heart in return when he did show up. He knew he deserved it then.
He was her rock. He was the comfort when she needed it most. When she told him the truth about their secret son's existence, he held her close. When the truth about Hal came out, he was there to help her through the pain. When she felt unsafe in her own home, he was there to make her feel safe. When she heard about what Polly had done, he was there to reassure her that everything was going to be okay.
She had done the same for him. She was there for him when he was conflicted on who he was, a northside hero sheriff or a southside gang member. She supported him as whoever he wanted to be. She comforted him when his son went missing. She comforted him when his father made an unwanted appearance. She comforted him when Hiram was trying to get under his skin. She comforted him when they found out the truth about what his daughter has done to this town.
And ultimately they were there for each other after finding out what their son was capable of. They were left heartbroken.
Cause you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I'd never seen.
You took my soul wiped it clean,
Our love was made for movie screens.
Alice had taken ever moment shared with FP to be a part of what made her who she was. She only found herself again when FP was there to love her and vice versa.
It was all those moments, happy or not, that made their love stronger. She gave up everything for him, but she would say it was worth it. She gave his family her home, but they turned it into their home. She gave up their son, but they found a way to bring their families together. She gave up the reputation she worked years to perfect, but together they went back to their roots. What was once hers became theirs. They had always shared a life with each other.
He could break her heart a million times but she could never be able to let him go. Do you love her, FP? She was once afraid to ask. Do you love me? Why must they be so complicated? They both knew the real answer to those questions. Why was it hard for them to let themselves be happy? But no matter the choice, she meant what she said when she would back him up one hundred percent. She loved him too much to not be able to do that for him.
But even with the many shed tears, he was there. They relived what they didn't get to experience in their past. He took her to prom and they shared a dance. He woke up beside her in the mornings and they had breakfast with their kids like a family. The family they wished they had growing up. He listened to her and helped her with anything she had her heart on. He was there to make her feel loved again.
Now, she couldn't operate without him with her. She couldn't go back to sleep. She needed to find that letter he told her about. She needed to know what he had to say. She climbed out of bed and turned the lights on. She began to search every inch of their room for that letter. She didn't care that it was the middle of the night. She opened every drawer and rummaged through the closet. She couldn't find it!
She sat back down on the bed. She wiped away a couple of her tears of frustration. Why did he have to make it this difficult? She turned to look at the picture frame on the nightstand. FP left it behind for her to have. He took a copy with him. It was a sweet picture Jughead took of them on his camera.
"Why?" Alice asked out loud when she picked up the picture. She ran her fingers across his face. "Why did you make it hurt even more?"
She sat in silence, staring at the picture for a good chunk of time. She missed him more now. It took a few more tears for something to finally click. Could it be? She wondered. She carefully picked apart the photo frame and inside was a pink envelope with her name on it. She found it. She took it out gently. Out fell a ticket stub he saved all these years, too. He went to the Carrie play?
She was eager to know what was in the letter. She couldn't wait any longer so she opened the envelope. She grabbed the letter inside and opened it.
Alice,
I'm the one making all of those same mistakes again. Not you. You were right. I was putting up the same old act again and for that I am sorry. I know an apology won't be good enough. I will make it up to you one day.
I didn't realize how much I lost when I watched you walk out that door. Falling in love with you has been the one thing I did right with my life and I made the mistake of pushing myself away again.
I don't expect you to let me back into your heart again, but if I'm lucky, maybe one day I'll be the one you go home to. Maybe I'll be the lucky one that gets to make you feel loved. Maybe one day it won't be a maybe anymore. I learned something today and it's that I can't live without you. No matter what the future has in store for us, I will come back for you. That's a promise I will honor when the time comes.
Love,
FP
Alice reread it over and over again. She believed him. She believed he would come back to her.
*
The next day Betty was in her room packing the last of her items she was taking with her to New Haven. Her mother stopped at her door to check up on her. Betty turned around and noticed her. She looked upset. "Mom?" She wanted to ask if everything was okay.
"My baby is all grown up."
"Oh, mom, don't cry." Betty opened her arms for a hug. Alice walked in and accepted it. Betty sat them both down on her bed. She held her in her arms. Just like FP would have done if he was here. The idea made Alice sob. "I'm going to miss you all."
"Everything is going to be okay, mom. I promise. I know it hurts but we're going to get through this, okay? You're the strongest person I know."
"I don't feel like I am. It hurts, Betty. You're the last one to leave me. You're moving away for school. I'm proud of you going to Yale, but I'm going to miss you. You deserve this so much. You've worked so hard for this."
"I'm going to make you so proud, mom. I promise."
"You already have, honey. Everything you do makes me proud. I just wish I could be able to be there for you, but I know you're not going to need me."
"I'm always going to need you. You're my mom." Betty assured her, but she knew there was something else that was bothering her most. "But you won't be alone. I'm sure Mr. Jones will be back soon. It's not a forever thing."
"He's gone again," Alice croaked out. "It hurts so much. I don't know how I'll be able to wait that long."
"He loves you, mom. We all know that. We have seen how happy he makes you. There is no way that is going to waste. You both made it too far to give it up. He will be back and you two will get your happily ever after. That, I don't doubt."
"But what if he doesn't?" Alice didn't want to think about that but it kept looming her mind.
"We both know damn he will be back for you. If there's one thing that I learned from you two is that when you fall in love, you always find your way back to each other. And I think you know that you two are the epitome of that saying. So don't cry anymore, mom. We're not going anywhere. We'll all be back."
"I'll be waiting," Alice put all of her faith into this thought.