whoever said it gets easier with time was a fat fucking liar and i hate them
im very VERY tired of just. existing.
im always letting everyone down and i'm so so so lonely and
i don't know
i really want someone to just listen to me for once. listen to what i actually want to say, not what i have to say to feel like i'm even there in a conversation at all. you know?
i want someone to listen to me ramble about art history and fashion and textiles and ancient civilisations and old bands i like. i want someone to KNOW me.
it's really hard to let that happen
im really scared of letting people in. it feels less like sharing something with them, and more like i've just cut myself open and laid myself down on the operating table for them to examine, despite my perfect health.
it feels like i'm digging for something that isn't there, and i'm just hurting myself in the process.
it feels like instead of 'opening up', i'm letting them rifle around in my brain and disrupt the quiet and dig things out of old dusty corners and run away with parts of myself i didn't know were there but i will sorely miss now they're not.
it sucks to share anything i like, no matter how much i want to. i crave validation, especially validation of my interests.
i don't know anymore
what do i want in life??
i want contentment. in what, i've yet to figure.
ive had my fill of lonliness, it would be pretty sad for me to be grow up alone and die alone.
i think i'll treat this thing like. i'm just talking to myself. instead of having to explain anything.
i don't like explaining myself.
i dont like myself.
ha.
poet of the year award surely won't be going to me.
what am i on about im not a poet im a loser who can't differentiate between fancy emotional language and poetry. i'm a failure and im the jack with significantly less talent than would be expected.
that makes sense.
im the jack