5:15 p.m.,
INDORE HIGHWAY,
I stretch out my legs in the limited space of air between the two seats, the rough fabric of my socks contracting like ropes to my ankles. The taxi would not splurge back if I lift myself and sit properly, but my bottom keeps slipping down from the polythened seat. He should have atleast ripped off the cover of his taxi seats, if this is a new job to him. The seats anyway are to be ruined with the passage of time, but the injustice to first customers should not be done like this. I pull my dress down with frustration as they keep crawling up to my crotch, even my bare thighs under unable to maintain friction with the polished surface of the seat. I lift myself again and sit properly, being welcomed like thousand times here.
"Hey, look there! Would love a selfie with that waterfall", Maria points out to a giant waterfall by the side of the road, her voice filled with excitement. Maria is also an Instagram model and often posts vlog trips on her IGTV, with her fourty-six year old husband Zenith, currently based in the US.
It has been twenty minutes since we left the airport till the middle of the highway, Maria enjoying the scenes cheerfully while I struggle to lock my buttocks on the seat. I might have missed many beautiful views on the way, blurred with the frustration in my mind. She turns back at me and smiles.
"Yeah, should we stop it for you?", I ask to offer her some minutes to fulfill her desire. She simply denies it as we should not be getting late for the call. I lose a chance to make myself comfortable on the seat. Nevertheless, let's bear this for someone's sake with a helpless sigh. I will be getting a bigger bed than her in our hotel, I need to make sure of this.
□ □ □
6:28 p.m.,
We are much welcomed into a posh hotel with such warmth, the two men in their generous dark suits and prudently in their forties, looking way younger with the travels of freshness around the world. Work does keep you fit and fine both mentally and physically. It does not let you fall back to your anxieties or succumb to your laziness. I look at myself through the thick glass walls of the hotel lobby, all in a little grey shade but clear enough, and frown at the realization that I have gained few extra pounds that are hanging off the vales of my waist and making my hips look weary and ugly. All at once, a pang of jealousy hits me through my chest when I look at the lean and light Maria laughing with the men, her perfect white set without any tint of yellowishness. I better remain reserved and serious, for I should not be thinking anything that discourages my confidence in work. Maria has put her belief in me and approached me thinking that I am the best option for this. My envy should not dam our friendly bonding like this. We are then shown our respective rooms and as God sees every child of his equally, we both have gotten the same size of bed. At least He does not differentiate us, I am glad.
After a quick nap for an hour, in the evening, we all gather to release our fatigue under the chilling palm trees in the big green lawn at the back of the hotel. Jake has planned that we would not be doing any work today because, as he says, 'the two beautiful ladies should not be pressurized for giving their precious time in this'. I am happy they are being understanding, otherwise the last trip a few months ago was hectic as hell, full of mean and miser people. All the four long slender glasses clink in the air, with the red wine slightly jumping out of them and creating bloody spots on the ceramic table-cover. And her laugh ringing in our ears, Maria continues about a fiasco in one of her trips when she caught her clients wrapped together in her bedroom.
"They.....lmao....they freaked out in their naked selves looking at me. I took my heels away then", she coughs as the wine hits her in her nasal pathway. I give her a few gentle jolts at her back to ease her coughing, keeping the effect of the humour still with perky smiles on our faces.
"Seriously!", Jake cries. Maria smiles at him, her eyes a little watery with the sudden stuff. I feel familiar with them now, so I also share a funny stuff with them for the sake of the moment. Of course about the hilarious mismatch of my socks and their ruthlessness towards me in the car.
They did not react to it much, and I feel I am not fit for this humour thing in front of people who are wiser than me. I refill my glass with my eyes down, regretting my blurt about my socks. They all chuckle two seconds later, making me wonder what took them to process that for so long to laugh on my joke. They sip their wines quietly then, provoking a feeling in me that I am less interesting among them. How badly I want to run home and hug Raaz for loving me daily and bearing my ignorance on that. I don't know if it's the effect of the wine, but my eyes picture 'someone else' too whom I don't want to imagine right now. The wine feels like coagulated blood now, the reflection of the withering tree above us making it look dark and grey. And as it had to be, once a thought strikes my mind, then its series start playing one by one in my head. It's probably the part of my brain making up for the lost endorphins in me. But those days of meandering in the darkness barefoot with him, me blindfoldedly searching for him in his lawn, feeling the blessing of the moon upon our relationship, I wonder such little things trigger so much happiness in one's life. Until.....they are all shattered at once.
Maria nudges my right arm with a confused look, making me tumble down the stairs of my imagination sraight to reality. She pushes her brows up to ask me. I simply nod my head and smile at her. She does not care much and turns back to the men who are completely lost in their own words. I excuse myself for some minutes and get up from there, away from the table to a peaceful corner, enjoying the fresh air which was hindered by their loud voices. I close my eyes and inhale deeply, watching far away at the orange hue of the setting sun sleep on the yellow surroundings and spreading like a sea, the brightness slowly vanishing and a warm glow is casted in the horizon. Looking up at space, I see the sky above turn a little dark and small stars twinkling and disappearing. This would have been a wonderful place to date if it was thick sand beneath the feet and fragrant blossoms around, with trees already hustling here. And if opposite to the sun setting was a sea hitting the shores, sending tingles of relaxation in the air. It would be so soothing....... and, also.....
A kiss with him, perfect.
Unfortunately, that him in my mind seems misplaced suddenly. A flash of the memory of that day's kiss with Sameer near the shore disturbs my thoughts and the over-whelming emotions turn negative. The soft matter inside my head throbs incessantly. I hold my head and inhale deeply. The sweet scent of the palm trees calm me down as I focus on objects in the present time. I don't fantasize about anything anymore. Biding Maria a good night, I run upstairs and reach my floor, where I decide to get freshen up, order some jellies, put my night cream on and drift off to sleep as soon as possible. At last, I pull the sheet on myself and close my eyes, after I have all the delicious jellies jumping in my tummy.
□ □ □
I hear a humble knock on the door by midnight, someone calling my name out in muffles. I struggle to open my eyes as the slow voice echoes in my ears. Bringing my hands up, I try to remove the blindfold but suddenly......
I wake up with a jolt, my spine twinging with fear and my gut shrunken within me. A goose flesh out of the blue, and it's as if I can still feel it. It, slowly climbing up my arm, rubbing against my skin. His touch on my back, such warm to intensify my breathing. I literally felt it just now! He touched me on my back, near my neck, the icy feeling of it still clinging and my nape hairs all awake. It was like he wanted to tell me something, in passionate hushes and sent a yearning voice running through my bones, hitting my eardrums continuously.
Again! That same humble knock on the door, a little louder this time but....with a voice. He calls out my name. I turn my head to listen clearly if someone is calling me only or it's some waiter outside. A crystal clear voice rings in my ears, even the sound of the mild air silent around me. As I hear Sameer's voice again, I cover my ears tightly to shut the needle-like tinnitus right after his voice, until the air enters my ears and makes it all normal. I realize I have stood up while putting that sound off, and on my own I start heading towards the door. My blindfold falls down and I see the glass door at the end of this empty corridor with dim lights, suddenly spotting Sameer pass from there. I run towards him and push aside the door, reaching out to the green lawn all alone.
It's thickly dark here, the far street lights illuminating the place a little bit so that I can at least spot the white round table we were sitting around hours ago. I walk towards it but a guy pushes me from behind and disappears till I could look back at him. I steady myself up on the grass, my bare feet soaking the dews up and making me feel relaxed. Not for any longer, though....
"It's me Ziana....", he says. I hold my breath immedeately. His voice seems to be coming from a few metres away. I search him throughout the lawn, running here and there and hitting the rocks beneath. Seeing me in so much trepidation, Sameer finally speaks out, "I am not that easy to find, dear. But you know how to find me, don't you? Because you did....". His last words are clues to something, even not just them but a lot of things he did a minute ago. His touch, these green grass, the sweet glow of the moon, and I don't know what happens to me that I pull up my blindfold to my eyes.
"I am ready", I say as if it is someone else controlling me and I am all oblivious. The slap of wind on my hair, his touch along with it as he runs past me. A smile appears on my lips and I run around, hoping I will catch him soon. Another giggle from somewhere, and I run opposite. He keeps teasing me by running here and there, his footsteps audible to me but him barely coming in my hands. I get frustrated and stop in the middle of the lawn with a deep frown. "What happened? You gave up?", he says but now I am so angry, I don't turn to his direction. "I want to hug you and you're only going away from me!", I say and he exclaims a pitying sound at me.
"Hug me now, Ziana", he says, "You win".
And I don't hear any footsteps now, but I can imagine his smile when he stops teasing me. I get up and launch myself at him till I get to sink in his chest and let my soul be swallowed with that love.
But.....DANG!
What the reality I find myself in? A lonely green lawn with hallowing palm trees staring at me, truck horns blaring from the road side of the hotel smashing my ears, and the view of exactly nothing in front of me, flooding my brain with blood to ease the sudden rising ache. I look up at the dark sky twinkling with stars, which trigger me emotionally that tears of being out of my escapism start trickling down my eyes. I am lying on the ground, my ankle twisted with the stumble over the rock that brought me back to my ugly self. But I wonder how am I seeing all this? I mean, did I take my blindfold off my eyes? Or wait...where is the damn blindfold? I remember I was sleeping with the bed-sheet over my eyes and not any blindfold, then how come all this happened? Overall just a freaking sleep walk I did till here. Sameer was here....may be he was not, I don't know. I am just aware of the fact that I came here with my eyes closed but I seriously feel the exhaustion of running here and there like it actually happened.
I am checking with my psychiatrist tommorow. This Nighttime-dreaming and my constant backpain might be a symptom of an underlying condition or any eating disorder I am getting prone to or have already gotten. I am such a disease bag!
□ □ □
"Should I drop you?", she offers to me.
I collect my maroon handbag from the reception desk as I walk towards the exit. I told Maria everything this morning when we met out of our respective rooms to summon the waiter for some hot coffee. She preferred green tea though, but I can't open my eyes completely without the breakdown of caffeine in my blood. And all that dreamy stuff last night which is keeping my head heavier. She suggests me to seek a doctor before assuming any disorder. I feel I should not have shared everything with my work partner, if they are to kick me from this project work thinking me as someone mentally retarted.
"No I am good with it", I say, swearing that I need to be independent here or they will end up making a joke of me that I am weird and scared to walk around in a new city all alone. After all, how much can people be different here from my native city? And it's not like I don't know anyone here. Someone very special of mine lives in Indore.
Sheetal Preet.
"Doctor! Dr. Sheetal Preet. I don't owe a fake medical degree, please", she snorts. I laugh as I read only her name and ignore the prefix before it. I being a close patient to her, she allowed me to sit inside her clinic because when I reached here, every bench was occupied. There was already someone inside so I excused that they may get done and then it would be my turn. I have come here promising Maria that I would return soon because this is early morning I am visiting the Rutuja Mental Care, without even having my breakfast. I have a plan to gulp some South Indian food at a street vendor with Sheetal after this, rather than eating avocado dishes that are 'healthier' in the eyes of those three back in the hotel. Sheetal is still glaring at me.
"Sorry! I did not mean to....", I bite my tongue. She goes back to attending the patient's misery while I look outside the little window at the jackfruit trees. Her clinic is still small, even after all these years. The last time I met her was here only just five years ago, when I would keep up my regular check ups with her everyday. I was on some kind of medication that she gave me to relieve stress. She gave it to me on my way back to Delhi and asked me to keep following the prescription for my whole life because stress is a thing grabbing me quicker than any other disease. I have low immunity, she told me once. Though now I have skipped all those complex medics and pills, I still have the prescription rotting in one of my bedroom shelves. It was only to save me from depression. Sheetal knows what all I have been through in my past years and how I tried to keep it hidden from Raaz. Spending time with her at her home healed me from memories of Sameer and me coming back and several ups and downs happening in my life. You can say Sheetal is my Pravin and I am her Raaz. We share a bond like that because she has been my best friend since class sixth! We don't chat with or call each other daily because we don't need that to keep our friendship strong. The moment we meet, it feels like it has just been a minute of it again. Some friends are blessings; Sheetal is mine one. She smiles at me closely.
When the grumpy patient is out of the room, I sit with her for a while and we chat together for sometime, not bringing in my problems at the very start. She suggests that we should have breakfast somewhere outside because that would make her feel non-professional with me. We walk to the nearby vendor and order two suji chillas. I continue talking with the food piece in my mouth. "You remember what happened two years ago?", I ask her. She suddenly stops eating and gives me a serious look. Her kohl eyes shoot darts of suspicion at me. "I....I thought you had forgotten it all", she says. I fall silent at those words. Coldness grips me at my ribs and I try hard to swallow the melted piece down my throat.
"I still could not, Sheel", I say. She prefers to be called Sheel more often because that gives her a feel that she is modernly cool.
"He is back in my life.....Sheel", my lips tremble when I say this. She grabs a jug of water and gulps some down before freaking out her bombing reaction. People nearby stare at us wondering if the chillas here are safe enough to eat or she has gotten poisoned. She pulls my arm and drags me aside to a corner.
"What the fuck are you talking about?", her eyes look unusually darker and scary.
"I like that attitude...", I give her a smile. She shakes my arm frustratingly.
"TELL ME! HOW IS HE SUDDENLY BACK?", I did not expect her to be so much interested in my life. Did she use to like him? What the heck am I thinking?
"Yo...calm down! He rarely texts me, often follows me, some frightening calls too and sometimes comes in my dream. I have met him! Warned him to stay away from me, and so he is, disappeared nowadays. But I get a feel that I am being chased by someone. Day and night.....everywhere.....everytime", my breathing becomes heavy as I tell her.
"Stress, nothing else. Look, take this one capsule quickly...", she rummages her coat pockets to take out a white bottle with weird-coloured capsules. I show her a palm.
"Why are you acting so unreal?", I ask. She seems exaggeratedly anxious.
"Just listen to me, Ziana. DON'T LET THAT TOXIC MAN BACK IN YOUR LIFE AGAIN. Or you will suffer, I am telling you. The way he left you could have made you depressed like hell. Be grateful that I was there with you in those times, or you would have destroyed yourself years ago....that very night only", she says and shoves those pills in my mouth without caring for the volts of pain she sent to my heart with those words. The chilla remains half-eaten.