Chapter 61 | FaceTiming
Lucas:
With all that Isabella had told me earlier today, I was struggling to sleep. My mind refused to shut down. All it kept doing was replaying everything that she had said and every time I even tried to close my eyes, the absolute pained expression that had been drawn across her features as she spoke proceeded to flicker in my brain. The pain that I had caused. Fuck, I was so consumed and overridden with guilt I couldn't even think. I hated myself for what I did to her, what my words and actions caused and what it led to and I hated myself even more for being completely and utterly oblivious to it all, even with all the signs that had been right in front of my eyes.
And there were many, many signs. Whether it had been Isabella getting hurt from Ivy making remarks about her appearance or her collapsing in the middle of the park and yet I still hadn't even noticed a single one.
Reading Isabella's diaries and seeing what I had said to her as I kid only heightened my feeling of guilt. She had left the box of journals with me after I had dropped her off home, so I had spent the better part of the evening running my finger across the scrawly handwriting and thumbing the tear stained pages as I read each entry, being filled with shame as I read about all the insults I had thrown her way as a kid; every time I called her fat, or ugly or something else appalling along those lines.
It was the fact that I hadn't even even given any of those jabs I made at her appearance any second thought or even remembered saying them for that matter which mortified me because on her end...little Isabella had commemorated all of those remarks that I and the several others in her life made to memory and thought about them so much that it led to crippling self esteem and a whole full fledged eating disorder.
The absolute worst part or all was that I couldn't for the life of me even remember why I used to call her names in the first place. In my memory, Bella had been the little girl next door who I had secretly been in love with. Who I adored because of her kind heart and sweet persona. Whose rosy apple cheeks and goofy smile I loved and ultimately who I believed was the cutest human in the entire planet. Most importantly however, I actually, genuinely liked that she was chubby because it meant she gave the best hugs. She was my best friend and my first love rolled into one. So why did I torment and tease her like that?
The most, I guess, understandable reason that I had come up with for why I basically bullied Isabella was because I had no clue on how to go about verbalising my like for her. It didn't justify or excuse what I did...but it made the most sense. I remember freezing up and getting a little nervous every time Bella would be around, if I thought she looked pretty one day I would freeze on trying to compliment her and instead blurt out something fucking dumb. Yeah if you thought sixteen year old me is stupid - I don't know what you would think of eight year old me. I could've easily just told her that she looked nice in her dress or something because that is what I really thought or get her a flower or some shit but no I had to get skittish every time I was around her and make fun of the way she looked instead.
By the sound of it, even despite all the times I called her names, Isabella thought the same way about me too. There were countless times she had written about my hair and my smile and my dimples. Entries where she had talked about the stupid things I did to make her laugh or her being dramatic if our hands touched one time. It was adorable but it also caused my heart to constrict on seeing how much she liked me but thought that I didn't return the feelings because of the things I had said. I couldn't even blame her, I had always thought I was obvious with my like for her but...I guess I really wasn't. Jeez why was I like this? Why am I still like this? I seriously have some self evaluation to do.
When I realise my mind isn't going to shut down any time soon or let me rest, I throw my covers off of my body, a shiver surging through me automatically from the cold and make my way over to my desk. I throw on a hoodie as I wait for my computer to switch on (navy blue to match my red and navy checkered pj pants) and slump down in my desk chair.
Earlier on, I had decided that I would spend some time researching about eating disorders when I was free, so that I could get a better understanding of what Isabella is going through. I had been planning to do it in the morning...but I find myself with a tad more free time in my schedule - y'know with not being to sleep and all so I settle for doing my research now.
I grab a notebook and a pen from my desk drawer before typing 'facts about eating disorders' into google once my computer turns on. A bunch of websites immediately load up and I click on one of the first ones that pop up after all the helplines linked. I see that it's an information page that describes the different type of eating disorders that there are with a bunch of stats written down afterwards and an overview of E.Ds as a whole before it sections on into the different types of disorders.
My eyes skim the overview as I begin to read and I shuffle in my seat, getting more comfortable in my stiff ass desk chair.
Although the term eating is in the name, eating disorders are about more than food. They're complex mental health conditions that often require the intervention of medical and psychological experts to alter their course.
These disorders are described in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition (DSM-5).
In the United States alone, an estimated 20 million women and 10 million men have or have had an eating disorder at some point in their life.
This article describes 6 of the most common types of eating disorders and their symptoms.
Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge eating disorder, Pica, Rumination disorder and Avoidant disorder. (Healthline website)
I'm sort of surprised when I note that there are more than one type of disorder, I had heard of anorexia before and binge eating disorder too because my buddy Hank's older brother suffered from it along with depression when he lost his girlfriend in a car crash last summer, but the others I had no clue existed.
I chew on the inside of my cheek as I continue reading, moving my mouse so that I can and move onto the stats portion of the website. There are a number of statistics listed, talking about the percentage amount of people who suffer from each disorder and so on.
(The stats are from 'eating disorder hope')
In the US alone, 28.8 million people will suffer from an eating disorder in their life.
75% of those diagnosed with an ED are women and 25% are men.
91% of women suffer from body image issues.
It is estimated that up to 4% of women in the United States will have bulimia during their lifetime.
Over 50% of teenage girls and 33% of teenage boys use restrictive measures to lose weight at any given time.
It is estimated that 40% of those with binge-eating disorders are male.
Eating disorders are the most fatalistic mental health disorder.
4% of anorexic individuals die from complications of the disease.
In the world, every 52 minuets, one person dies from an eating disorder.
My stomach begins to churn as I re read that last stat, once, then twice, then once more again.
To think Bella was apart of those statistics, to think she could have been apart of one of those mortality statistics, fuck, that does something to my heart.
Shit, every time I think about how she suffered, it causes my heart to sink a little further. The suffering because of me. The suffering she is still going through because of me.
I run a hand through my already dishevelled hair and let out a huff of breath, drumming my fingers on my desk. I have a lot of amending to do and I mean a lot. There are already a various number of things I have come up with to help make it up to Bella but I need something big to really show her how apologetic I am for hurting her this bad and for ultimately making her go through this trauma.
I know I was only a kid when I made those mistakes but they led to really bad outcomes for Isabella and it hurts me knowing I hurt her. I know that the damage is done but fuck, I am still so determined to fix things.
I find myself wondering if things between the two of us will ever be 'normal' again. Whatever that means for Bella and I anyways, we haven't been 'normal' since we were 10 but in my mind, there is now this persistent, lingering thought telling me that there is a very slim chance that Bella and I could ever be close friends again. I mean, I'm planning on leaving her alone after I've made it up to her anyways (although I'll give her the choice if she wants to keep me in her life or not) but I've already hurt her enough and the best thing I can honestly do for her is stay away.
A pang of hurt shoots through me at that and I frown. There is genuinely no point thinking about that now however, so I do quickly push the thought away and re-direct my attention back onto the computer screen in front of me.
I'm about to scroll and begin reading about the different disorders listed when a shrill ring breaks me out of concentration. I roll my chair back and look over to where my phone is lighting up on my bedside table showing me that there is an incoming face time call.
My eyebrows draw together and I quickly glance at the clock on my computer which shows me it's almost 4 am in the morning. Who the hell is face timing at this hour?
When I stride over to my table and glance down at the screen, to my surprise, I see that it's Isabella calling me. My eyebrows furrow further in confusion but I click the answer button regardless and seconds later, her face pops up onto the screen.
"Hey Izzy, what's up?"
Her mouth opens to speak then promptly shuts closed again before her face scrunches up in confusion.
"Your new nickname," I explain, waving my hand dismissively. "But I'll touch on that later. Is everything okay? Why are you calling this late?"
"Right sorry." She shakes her head before bringing the phone closer to her face. "I saw that your light was on and I had to share this with fucking someone because guess who fucking emailed me!"
"Emailed you?" I repeat, quirking an eyebrow as climb into bed and lean up against the headboard. I yank the covers over my leg and get comfortable. "Who?"
She flips the camera around to show her laptop screen and I squint to take a closer look but the screen is too bright. Before I can ask 'who' again, Bella speaks.
"Maria!"
I blink. "Maria?" I repeat, my lips curling into a scowl as her name leaves a bitter taste on my tongue. "Maria fucking emailed you? Why?"
I hear Isabella snort before the camera flips back around to her face. "To apologise what she said at dinner," she responds, before shuddering and making a fake gagging noise.
"No way," I retort, my eyes widening just as Isabella nods her head eagerly
"Her apology, if you can even call it that, is quite literally the worst thing I have ever read in my life, wait let me read it out to you."
She clears her throat before beginning to speak in a ridiculously high pitched voice, mocking her cousin.
"Hello Isabella, I am very sorry for what I said over dinner. That was not very nice of me and I apologise. Here is a dry cleaning bill for my skirt that you ruined by throwing your dinner at me. Once again sorry. Maria."
I gape at the screen. "Her fucking audacity what the fuck. Is she for real?"
"Unfortunately I think so." Isabella grimaces in return. "God how am I related to that...thing."
"God knows." I shake my head solemly. "I'm so glad abuela chased her out of your house with a broom, I hate that bitch."
"Me to-wait," Isabella squints at the screen like she's trying to get a better look at my face. "You don't like her?"
"Like her?" I repeat incredulously, my eyes widening in horror. "You think I actually like her. Ewwww, why would I like her?"
"Because you were sucking her face off," she repeats pointedly and grimaces once again, undoubtedly thinking about when she had caught the two of her on her sofa.
"She was sucking my face off, Izz, Maria pounced on me and wouldn't budge, I didn't want to kiss her."
Isabella merely blinks and there is silence for a moment before: "That fucking puta! Voy a cortarle las tetas!"
I nod my head at her outburst, acting like I understand what she had just said and immediately wince straight after as I think back to that incident. Isabella's dad and her aunt had just left the living room to head into the kitchen when Maria had jumped me. I had tried to wrench my face away from her and shove her off but my God did that girl have grip, she wouldn't fucking move. I'm glad Isabella came when she did or I unquestionably would have probably thrown up into Maria's mouth if she continued fucking groping me.
"She fucking assaulted you!" Isabella glowers, her face paling. "How dare she! I'm glad I beat her face in."
I chuckle softly. "Me too."
"Are you...alright? She shouldn't have done that, that's disgusting."
"Yeah I'm fine, just a bit grossed out," I say truthfully before shuddering a little. "I'm just gonna go gargle bleach, thanks for reminding me."
She snickers. "Okay no more talking about that vile creature."
"I agree, it's making me nauseous."
Bella shuffles in her bed, lying down and drawing the covers over her to mimic my own position. "Okay let's back track to the beginning of this conversation...now Izzy? Where the hell did that come from?
"I'm not entirely sure," I respond with a shrug and a sheepish expression drawing on my face. "It's a replacement nickname for...you know and I wanted something different, something else that no one else calls you."
"Huh..." she pauses momentarily, pondering on what I had just told her before her shoulders lift into a shrug. "Okay."
"You like it?"
"Yeah I guess. Anything is better than Belly."
I cringe. "You know when I used to call you that I generally didn't mean it in a bad way. I just called you that name because I thought it was a funny variation of 'Bella', not because you were chubby. I didn't stop to think how that could have been misunderstood or how the nickname would come across which is stupid on my part and I'm really sorry for that again," I frown. "Also...for the record, I know I said this before but I just wanted to clarify that I genuinely did like that you were chubby-"
Isabella frowns. "You don't have to pretend or lie for my sake-"
"No Izz, I'm not pretending," I swiftly cut her off, speaking sincerely. "I thought you were the cutest person to ever exist, like when you used to smile and your eyes used to disappear because of your little chubby cheeks...fucking adorable. Why do you think I used to squish your face so much?" I smile fondly at the memory. "I liked you for you Izzy, because you were sweet and kind and precious and I'm seriously so apologetic for making you think otherwise."
"I wish I didn't take it that way." Bella responds in a smaller voice after nodding.
"Hey." My face softens. "It's not your fault, I'm to blame but...but so is fucking Janice!"
I watch as both of Isabella's eyebrows promptly raise. "I see you've read the diaries."
I scratch the back of my neck. "Yep."
"All of it?" She then adds, wincing. "Even all the entries dedicated to your hair and dimples?"
"Read those three times over," I grin, flashing those very dimples. "By far my favourite entry has got to be when you wrote about how our hands touches at dinner one time and you were hyperventilating so much that you considered sneaking upstairs and stealing abuela's inhaler to use."
"Wow you really memorised that story huh," she mutters under my breath.
"Yup," I respond cheekily. "I counted and you wrote about my dimples 56 times. Fifty six." I enunciate the number. My smile then broadens. "Is this making you swoon?" I tease, pointing to my face.
She rolls her eyes in response but from the way she bites the inside of the cheek I know she's suppressing the smile. "Don't get too cocky," her retort comes afterwards. "How many times did you call me fat or ugly in those diaries hm?"
I pull a face and she raises an eyebrow waiting for an answer.
"10 times directly called you fat. Twice ugly and 15 other rude remakes made about your appearance," I mumble shamefully. "Not my proudest moment and I'm still very sorry about all of that."
"Mhm. That's what I thought." Bella pulls her lips into her mouth. "Anyways why are you awake anyways? It's almost 4 am?"
"Can't sleep," I sigh, glad for the change of subject when guilt wells up inside of me again at her mention of my bullying her. "You?"
"Can't sleep."
We both then fall silent, just quietly staring at each other through the screen. Isabella is lying on her side, her left cheek smooshed into the pillow, her face free of makeup and barely visible under the dim light of her beside lamp. She breaks our silence but letting out a loud yawn to which I reciprocate only seconds later and she tucks a hand under her smooshed left cheek.
"If I was there, I would so squish your face right now."
She cocks an eyebrow. "And I would stomp on your balls."
"Sheesh what's with the aggression."
"I'm preparing myself from when I'm gonna reply back to Maria." She clicks her knuckles threateningly before yelling out in pain. "Ouch not my beating Maria up knuckle."
"Ow," I wince on her behalf before nagging a finger at the screen. "Also you better make that email angry, screenshot it and show me."
"Will do," she nods. "Although I'm thinking of the being the bigger person and not replying at all."
I blink at the screen.
"You're right," she chuckles. "I am so not gonna be the bigger person and am gonna unleash my beast in that email reply instead."
"What the fuck is unleash my beast?"
"Oh shush," she wacks the camera with her hand. "Talking with you is so boring it's making me sleepy which therefore makes me delusional and say weird things." She then yawns again to emphasise her point. "See."
"Rude," I narrow my eyes playfully. "But go to sleep Bell, it's been a long ass day," my voice significantly softens. "And you need to rest so that you actually have enough energy tomorrow to channel all the fury into Maria's email."
"You're right," she nods, eyes fluttering closed. "Okay then, I'm gonna go try sleep now," another yawn over takes her and she snuggles down further into her covers. "Good night."
"Good night Izzy."
"Night night Lulu."
"Lulu?'
"You called me that horrendous nickname for basically 13 years, so it's my turn now."
"Okay I'll take it," I snort. "Dylan already calls me that when he's drunk anyways."
She giggles and waves her hand at the camera. "Bye."
"Sweet dreams."
She clicks the decline button and I chuck my phone down on my bed before stretching my limbs and rubbing my eyes with the back of my hands. Isabella might have gotten tired from our call but I'm still wide fucking awake. I check the time again and groan when I see that it's 4:01 am. Ugh this is some long fucking night but I might aswell stay up now.
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AUTHORS NOTE:
hi guys sorry for the dead-ish chapter but if i've still got ur attention please read the next bit!
so i just wanted wanted to clarify something!! my story isn't to like spread the message that 'oH iF bOyS bUlLy YoU iT mEaNs tHeY LiKe yOu' because i am not trying to normalise that at all & because most of the time in real life this isn't the case. just please keep in mind that this story is fiction.
also initially lucas wasn't supposed to have been such an asshole kid but i er got a little carried away...sorry for that guys 😫
also in real life, this message is literally used just to excuse poor behaviour (especially in the case if the boy is actually physically hurting little girl) and that is mf gross. i realised halfway when writing this book that this might be the vibe that is coming out of this story so i just wanted to clear that up :)
sure some guys, i guess, might tease you harmlessly if they like you but if it's getting to the point where you're really getting hurt by what they are saying or doing then please bitch stick your middle finger up their ass. you don't deserve that.
sorry i just wanted to put this little disclaimer out there!! i probably will be putting it in the authors note also x