Contrary to popular belief, Yuji Itadori, is an introvert. It's honestly a rather funny thing, at least I think so, how people assume just because a person is excitable and kind that they're automatically an extrovert. But I do suppose that humans are like that. It's a rather fascinating phenomenon really, and I guess even I must say it is the one thing that I agree with Jogo on: humans are liars.
They hide their emotions behind smiles; they bury their hearts in effort to contact the perpetual system of wealth; they tell themselves they earned their positions as they step on the lives of those they trap in poverty as though they are nothing more than fallen leaves beneath their feet. They convince themselves that they're beyond saving, perhaps in some foolhardy excuse to convince themselves that they are truly helpless, that wallowing in their own sorrow is the answer to the bottomless cavern that swallowed their heart.
Yuji Itadori is no different. I mean no ill will to the boy, truly I do not, but whether he should accept it or not he is human. He will fall, he will break, he will ignore the cracks in his skin as he forces himself forward, desperate to reach his goal only for the void to seep out from within the crevice in his soul and consume him whole. I do not mean to make excuses for him either, but I do suppose to have a cursed spirit, especially one of Sukuna's nature whispering in your ear every other minute doesn't help. I, as a thing beyond the true and proper comprehension of mankind, may not be the best to speak on this matter however even so I shall try.
It wasn't the first time Yuji Itadori had intrusive thoughts. No... he'd had them as far as he could remember. Those terrible, terrible words, conjuring up in his mind and poisoning it with violence, desire, horror, dysphoria. The list goes on, slipping in and out of focus as notes scribbled in between the lines of his thoughts and wedging deep beneath his fragile facade of false positivity. It was exhausting. But he meant no harm, it was simple really, help people, don't be a burden, help people, you your strength for good, help people.
Help people.
Help.
People.
Was he helping anyone?
His grandfather's dying wish twists like a knife in his heart, twisting as water floods his vision as his gut fills with a sick dread and fear embeds it's self deep into his heart. Itadori has no wish to die. Truly when it all came down it was and he felt his hands split apart as his muscles ruptured and bones cracked as blood filled his lungs, it hurt, it all hurt so much. Regret clouds his mind because he doesn't want to die, he wants to live, he needs to live, he needs to help people. Right? He promised, he promised he might help people and if he dies Fushiguro, Kugisaki, [Name], they would blame themselves wouldn't they? He would if one of them died after leaving them behind. He had no wish truly for any of them to die.
His life is racing through his mind as he watches, a state of perpetual dissociation as Sukuna puppet's his body with such ease. He sees something, not quite Jujutsu, but something of just as much power flash in [Name]'s eyes as she takes the hit from Sukuna, the latter's foot almost driving into their skull. Had it made contact there's the feel of vomit and vile that he remembers the conversation of the previous night. It floods his mind as guilt tears his mind apart and he struggles to regain control of his body.
He couldn't sleep the night before, he'd gone out to sit on the steps of the dorm, eyes trailing upwards to the stars above. Even here in tokyo, hidden away in the mountains of Jujutsu tech there were more stars here than he had ever seen in his entire life.
Beautiful, that's what it was, truly beautiful. Silver sprinkles velvet night, galaxy's spilled from the paintbrush of the vast as it shines with the light of a thousand worlds. It was so, simply, well, vast. So great, so large and he was just a small, small part of it all. If, no, when he died, when my hand would come for him in the embrace of Death in all my horrific kindness, would it truly matter? In the grand cosmos of it all.
"I'd say it would."
Itadori startled, jumping to his feet as he whirled around, panic flashing in his mind. He'd let his mask slip too far, he didn't want anyone to think something was wrong, he wasn't supposed to be that no he was supposed to help people, he couldn't, he couldn't... he couldn't what?
[Name] frowned, they'd discarded their glasses, their clothes consisting of a worn pair of jeans, though the rips they bore were far from intentional and he didn't miss the muddy stain above one of them that brought the thought of blood to mind, a dark hoodie thrown on to complete an almost domestic look. Holding out their hand they offered the bottle of ramune to him, the blue wrapper illegible in what little light there is, a second clutched at her side.
"Here," they said, "is it okay if I join you?"
Itadori blinked, mouth dry as somewhere in the back of his mind Sukuna did nothing but scribble a stream of negativity in between the margins of his thoughts. "Yeah." His voice cracked, "I mean yeah, thanks." [Name] seemed to relax, ever so slightly, it was such a subtle thing he almost missed it. "Can I ask you something?" he blurted out, watching as his friend, (they were friends right?) sat down on the steps, patting the spot next to them.
"I mean you just did," [Name] tried, a light hearted attempt at a joke falling flat as Itadori felt something like a blush flush his cheeks. "But yeah sure," Popping open their bottle with it's typical satisfying snap, the marble inside tinkling against the glass.
Itadori sighed, doing the same to his own, copying [Name]'s motion. "You're smart right?" He shook his head, backtracking violently as he stuttered to find an answer "I mean of course you're smart! You're probably a lot smarter than me, and I—"
"Itadori."
"Huh?"
"Breathe, it's okay, I'm not going to bite your head off."
Right, of course she wasn't. But that didn't mean he didn't notice the obvious line between them both. He could see it, in his mind's eye, the line that separated [Name] from everyone. For as much as they might engage in her typical sarcastic banter with Fushiguro, chat with Kugisaki over some obscure part of fashion history, talk with him about movies, or dodge Gojo's almost brotherly nature towards them, there was still that line. Burned into the ground at their feet, that no matter how close anyone got, no matter how they joked about past traumas off hand or let slip her hidden cynicism, no one crossed the line.
Itadori nodded, swallowing thickly as he tried and failed to plaster a smile across his features. "Do you think that..." He trailed off, anxiety over taking his mind as Sukuna mocked his worries in the back of his mind. "Do you think that eating Sukuna's finger was a mistake?"
[Name] frowned, eyes shifting as they looked down at their hands, eyes trailing to the markings that stood out even now in sharp juxtaposition against her skin. "I, I don't think I can answer that in good faith."
Itadori blinked, honestly that was the last answer he expected, "huh? Why?" The words falling from his lips before he could stop them.
"Because I'm in no place to judge on the matter. Jujutsu isn't really a common thing outside of Japan, the only reason I'm here is because Gojo took pity on me after I made both the worst and best decision in my entire life. Sorcery is a lot more complicated where I'm from, it's less black and white and I've, I've hurt people before because of it. I'm in no place to say if you made the right choice." The words spill from [Name]'s lips, "I, sorry I didn't mean to dump that on you," [Name] laughed, rubbing the back of their neck sheepishly with a nervous grin.
"No," Itadori breathed, "it's alright."
"Yeah well, us vessel's need to stick together, am I right?"
"You're a vessel too?" Something inside of Itadori brightened, Sukuna's malice falling on deaf ears as he turned all of his attention on the girl beside him.
"I mean technically yeah, the right term is something more like avatar but I get it, I really do."
Itadori nodded, taking a long swig from his drink.
"Hey Yuji?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you a question?"
"You just did."
"Very funny."
"I know."
[Name] let out a snort of laughter before continuing on, "Can I ask what brought this on, no offence but I guess it just, kinda came out of nowhere? Not that that's a bad thing," she added quickly, "I guess I'm just," they paused, searching for the right words, "curious?"
Itadori sighed, hugging his knees to his chest as he set his drink down, "I, I've just been thinking and I guess I just, haven't really processed that any of this is real?" He frowned, looking down at his hands, they're worn and calloused, though not harshly, for the most part he's always had fairly soft hands, large and comforting, at least he'd like to imagine so. "All of this, it, it feels like some strange dream."
[Name]'s eyes softened, one knee held against their chest they paused, letting Itadori's words hang in the air. "Do you want to wake up?"
"I don't know." He chuckled, "I'm glad I met Fushiguro, and Gojo, and you and Kugisaki. I'm sad my grandfather died. And all of this, still doesn't feel real, but I'm not sure if I want to wake up..."
Itadori frowned, "I just... I'm supposed to help people right? Then I stay cheerful and push forward, it'll be okay then. I just need to keep my focus steady and I'll be able to help people."
"Help people, huh?"
"What?"
"It's nothing, but if it's any consolation, I'm glad I met you to."
"But, what if," Itadori pauses, looking at them, their eyes meeting. She has beautiful eyes he thinks, they seem to go on forever, a vast beauty trapping him within as something beyond anything he could possibly understand swirls in her irises. They're beautiful, he realizes, — well, he'd be lying to say he hadn't found them attractive beforehand, he just hadn't paid attention to the fact until now — and he thinks he might have been able stay like that forever and die a happy man, though the words had already begun to slip from his lips "But what if I kill someone."
[Name] stiffens, a genuine fear flashing in their eyes. "I... god," they laughed, running a hand through their hair as they leaned back, eyes trailing up to the sky above. "I'm the last person you should be asking that."
Itadori frowns, unsure how to respond. "The other day then, in the supermarket, you weren't joking were you? Have you really killed someone before?"
He watched as she presses her lips into a thin line, grip tightening on the bottle in her hand as she lets out a nervous chuckle, "Yeah I have. I won't excuse my actions, but the situation was far from black and white, if it came down to it," she met his eyes, only for a moment, before allowing her gaze to fall to the scuffed toes of their worn sneakers, "I would do it again in a heartbeat. I don't regret that choice, well, it's not like I really had a choice. I either killed him and became what I am now in full, or I died, or worse, I don't really know what would have happened if I hadn't done it." [Name] shifted, moving ever so slightly as if she wanted to offer Itadori room to breathe, "Sorry if it sounds like I'm being vague, I guess I just, I just don't want to dump my problems on anyone else."
Itadori frowned, "you aren't a bad person though..." he wondered aloud.
"I'd have to disagree," [Name] let out a dry chuckle, "so do you think you could still be friends with a murderer?"
He opened his mouth, closed it, paused, before opening it again to speak, "I don't know. But I know you, at least, I know you somewhat," he seemed small in that moment, looking at you with a kind sort of desperation. "But if it means anything, I'm glad I met you."
The memory is snapped out of his mind's eye as Fushiguro's shikigami erupts from the ground, encasing Sukuna's form in its fangs as [Name] struggles to their feet, bloody and beaten. 'I'm sorry', the words ring out in Itadori's mind over and over, 'I'm sorry I'm weak. I wanted to help people. I need to help people. I don't want to die. But I don't want to be a murderer.'
The basement room wasn't anything new to [Name]. There was a small kitchen area, a bathroom containing a single toilet sink and shower, and a small bedroom space with room enough for two cots as well as the entrance of the place. It wasn't much, brick walls, a table or two, the most impressive thing in the entirety of the space would be the flat screen tv which [Name] had long suspected that Gojo had acquired through less than legal means though she hadn't quite been able to find proof of that just yet.
But the first thing [Name] did when she saw Itadori again was slap him. It came as a bit of a shock to the boy in question but there was a part of him that might understand why. Though he had to admit it wasn't so much the stinging pain in his cheek that disturbed her, rather much more shocking was the mere idea of physical contact.
For as long as he had known them, which wasn't as long as you might presume, he hadn't failed to notice her apprehension to physical contact and yet here they seemed almost in earnest for it. The way so soon after her hand made contact with his cheek and how eyes widened behind the frames of her glasses, as a frantic apology spilled from her lips.
"Oh god—" [Name] stuttered, hands coming up to cup his cheeks, the rough calluses of her palms brushing against his skin as blush flared across Itadori's cheeks. "I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hit you that hard, and really I shouldn't have hit you at all it's just, you're okay? What the fuck I thought you died, you should have died, I mean logically speaking I don't actually want you dead." [Name] rambled frantically as her words got ahead of herself and Itadori felt himself relax.
It was a strange thing, there was a familiarity in her rambling as the pads of her fingers brushed against the scars under his eyes and Gojo chuckled in the background. Quickly drawing her hands away [Name] let out a nervous chuckle, "sorry about that, I'm just... glad you aren't dead? Also side note but if you die again I will resurrect you again just so I can kill you myself, got it?"
"Well I guess I'll just have to make sure I don't go off dying again?" Itadori said with a nervous chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.
"Something like that," [Name] said, it was a bit awkward the both of them had to admit, unsure where they stood or where to place their footing in their relationship regardless of what Gojo said.
"Alright you two!" Gojo said with a grin that was filled with nothing but a very concerning mischief, "you can engage in witty banter accompanied by sexual tension later—"
"What is he referring to," Itadori whispered to [Name] as their teacher went off on a tangent that sounded rather suspicious, almost like it had been stolen out of a Shojo manga.
"I have no idea," [Name] whispered back with a light grin, relaxing as the mood between them seemed to lose at least some of the awkward air it had carried before.
"Now then," Gojo said, having finished his monologue, "the both of you are here because you have the exact opposite problems. You!" He pointed at [Name], "have proficiency of your Jujutsu that borders the edges of grade one and special grade."
"Yeah well I mean it's that or be consumed by an eldritch god."
"I'm sorry wha?," Yuji butted in, looking back and forth between between the two with a look somewhere between the two of them.
"[Name] can explain later," Gojo said, waving his question away as he continued, "but she lacks sorely in terms of physical combat. However, when it comes to close-range combat it's not a stretch to say that you, Yuji, take the lead. So what you need to focus on is controlling your Jujutsu and gaining the minimum amount of knowledge on sorcery, while [Name] needs to get a better grasp of their physical capabilities, make sense?"
Yuji simply beamed, an honest and content smile playing on his visage as a faint but bashful blush painted his cheeks pink.
"Hm?" Gojo couldn't help but frown slightly, admittedly he hadn't expected that reaction, "what's up."
"Nothing, I was just thinking that if I received training, I would like to be from you Gojo Sensei, so I'm happy." While his smile didn't falter, there was the addition of a look of something like mourning in his eyes. "I wasn't able to save anyone because I was weak. Instead I almost killed both Fushiguro and [Name]," he glanced at the girl then, his gaze faltering as he looked back to Gojo. "In my current state, I can't show my face to them." He paused, swallowing any remaining anxiety as he looked Gojo dead in the eye, well, blindfold. "I want to become strong. Please teach me to become the strongest."
"Hehe," Gojo grinned, somehow managing to stretch his smile even wider. "And you [Name]? What do you want?"
'Oh god,' [Name] cursed to herself as the energy in the room was turned to her, 'now I need to follow up that speech? Fuck.' Opening her mouth she frowned, clenching her fist before taking to fiddling with their hands. "I need to work on my abilities in terms of combat. I'm weak in that regard. I don't really have anything grand of poetic to say," she glanced at Itadori and for a moment he saw an emotion almost like desperation flash in her eyes. But he blinked and she looked away and it was gone. "I just need to get stronger so that my physical abilities can catch up to the rest of my skills, without that I'll only be a liability in combat."
Biting her tongue [Name] didn't voice her own worries. It wasn't that she struggled with physical exercises, well, she did but that wasn't the point. There had been a time in which it had come so easily, and while they were never the fastest or the strongest they had been quick on their feet and that had been enough to win more than a few fights. And yet he could feel it so firmly, not simply that anxiety but the fatigue that wore on her mind, Beholding's grip on their soul a suffocating and terrible grip as they tired so long to ignore. But the physical toll began to seep into her life, whether it be in the greying hair covered by the vibrant colours of her dead locks, the fatigue that had settled into her muscles, locking joints in place as scars ached and the tattoos covering her body blinked.
But Gojo didn't press further, seemingly satisfied with her response though she didn't quite miss Itadori's glance of concern.
"Well the both of you have a discerning eye to come to me!" Gojo said with a grin.
"You literally never shut up about being the strongest."
"I'm with [Name]."
Gojo promptly ignored the comments from his students, gesturing to the side table. "Well then, if you would please turn your attention to those two soda cans," Gojo gestured towards the pair of cans, sitting on one of the smaller tables pushed up against the wall. "This is cursed energy." It was almost instantaneous; it was almost as if the thing had been punched. Rather than taking a more twisted route the dent appeared in full as it bent the metal sideways as it ricocheted off the wall, before collapsing in a pool of sugary brown liquid.
"And this is cursed technique." Gojo said as the first of the cans reacted. The remaining can twisted, distorting itself with a retching though subtle screech of aluminum as sticky carbonated drink spilled from it like blood.
"I see!"Itadori proclaimed, "No I don't."
"If I may," [Name] said, poking her head around Itadori as Gojo had her to go to and they continued, "Jujutsu is sort of like electricity. The raw power itself can be strong but it's also kinda useless, so we use techniques in the same way we use electrical appliances. If that makes sense..." They finish, trailing off as Gojo gives them a thumbs up.
"Exactly like that!" Gojo grinned, "using raw electricity isn't exactly convenient not to mention user friendly. That's why we make it flow through electrical appliances to get different results and most Jujutsu is the same way. For example, Shikigami or magical barriers... fundamentally technique is carved into a person from birth. That's why eighty percent of a shaman's technique comes from that ability."
[Name] pinched the bridge of their nose as the elephant in the room, Itadori's lack of technique, that is, became rather apparent. A fact that Gojo, to his credit, had seemed to completely miss.
"So do I have that?" Itadori tried.
"Oh no you have absolutely no natural Jujutsu." Well there went all of his hopes and dreams as the boy crumbled to the floor like a paper doll.
"You're the worst sometimes I hope you know that," [Name] muttered, squatting down next to Itadori as they sent a glare at an indifferent Gojo before turning their attention back towards the deflated boy. "You okay?"
"No I just thought I could maybe make thunder or fire or maybe a power bomb," he mumbled "you can make power bombs right?"
Gojo merely smiled as he observed his two students, [Name]'s attempt to dodge the question Itadori posed to her. It was rather amusing really, while Itadori couldn't use his techniques now, that doesn't mean he would be unable to in future. Before long his body would be scarred with Sukuna's technique so deeply that the ability to use it would find itself etched into his soul. Though that wasn't exactly going to come to pass prior to the goodwill event now would it?
"For now let's ignore the things you can't do! And I'll greatly enhance your strengths. We're gonna add cursed energy to your martial arts. Rather than unskillful cursed technique, I'm more interested about bulldozing through anything in your current state. I also said this before, but your hand-to-hand combat stands out, you know. In other words, you two are going to help each other with what you're best at, [Name] helps Yuji with his cursed energy and Yuji helps [Name] with their physical abilities, make sense?"
"Yeah," [Name] said, from where she was squatting on the floor.
Gojo grinned, "after all, I'm more wary of savage attacks rather than some half-assed cursed technique. Like I said before, you're awesome at physical fights—"
"Hold on!" Yuji cried, sitting bolt upright and inadvertently slamming his head into [Name]. The latter let out a yelp of surprise, falling back on their butt as they rubbed their forehead with a groan. "Ah sorry!" Yuji frantically added in, only to earn a chuckle in return as [Name] waved away his concern. "But uh, anyways, I already know how to do that!" He said, turning to Gojo as his mind wandered back to the detention centre "that time I almost got it!"
sitting up in a rush, a bit too fast and slamming his head into [Name]'s. The latter let out a yelp, as they fell back, rubbing their forehead with a hiss.
Gojo let out a chuckle as both of his students rambled out a flustered apology to each other, snapping their attention back to him with a light cough, "Then do it again," He said with a grin, pointing towards the open palm of his hand, "it's not like you can do much anyways."
Itadori jumped to his feet as [Name] leaned back on the palms of her hands, content to simply watch how it will all play out. Winding up for a punchm Itadori rammed his fist into the palm of Gojo's hand with a sharp precision and honestly a rather impressive amount of force.
"I didn't feel any cursed energy."
"Huh?" Itadori gaped, "why?"
"The basis of cursed energy is negative emotion, when you mentioned that other time you were probably overwhelmed with anger and fear right?"
Itadori gasped, eyes lighting up as if a lightbulb had gone off in his head, "When using cursed energy, I've always gotta be mad! Fushiguro always seems a little ticked off too!" He proclaimed, and while he might not have been wrong, it wasn't inaccurate to call that a logical conclusion to come too.
"Nope."
"I mean it's not an unjustified conclusion," [Name] muttered from her place on the floor."
"Even so. Every Jujutsu Sorcerer is trained to control their emotions when channeling cursed energy. So when they're overwhelmed by emotion, they try not to waste cursed energy. There are many ways to train for this, I'm going to have you do a particularly tough one."
"Like what?"
"Watching movies!"
a/n: before anyone says anything yes this chapter is named after the lorde song. in terms of something to say in how the story is being told by death, by how the timeline works as it's being told in moments that happened before the present and sometimes even after it, i stole that concept from the haunting of hill house and the haunting of blye manner. the idea of that time isn't liner for the dead, time is like rain, it falls around them in bursts of life, and so for death, the same thing could be said. or maybe i just like being cryptic like this who's to say. anyways yuji being nervous around [name] and having a bit of a crisis there is my shit, no clue why but they are my children and i adore them and i want the best for them. i say knowing full well i do not plan to give them a happy ending, but who knows that might change. as usual thank you for reading and i hope you all have a lovely day