Ten months later...
Darby, Montana
"Are you sure we need that much fudge?"
I looked up at Stellan's question with raised eyebrows. "Yes, we do. I'll eat three-quarters of it myself on my best behavior so count yourself lucky I'm getting extra for you."
"We're not even going to attempt to make it to the new year, are we?" he said in a wry tone as he glanced over the rest of the holiday goodies I was still taking out of my basket and heaping on to the counter. "Between all the sweets and the Christmas meals, we're in for a pancreatic shutdown."
"Now, now, dear," the elderly lady who was ringing our items through said to Stellan with a gentle shake of her head. "We have January to worry about those kinds of things. It's the holidays. Enjoy the food, the festivities and most especially, being in your wife's good graces. If she wants all the fudge she can eat, let her have it."
She winked at Stellan and turned a knowing smile to me, whispering in a lowered voice that was still loud enough for all three of us to hear. "Don't worry, dear. It took my sweet Henry nearly a decade to learn it's just easier to say yes to me. Men need time, that's all."
I blinked and mentally scrambled to decide on a reaction—let out a loud, awkward laugh, sink into a metaphorical hole on the floor, or just roll with it.
Of course, Stellan didn't seem to be having the same dilemma.
His face lit up like a Christmas tree as he draped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me in a little. "Giving me plenty of time is something my wife is an expert at so it seems we're on the right path here, assuming you and Henry are still blissfully growing old together."
My eyes widened because what if sweet Henry was already six feet under and we were just reminding this poor but nosy woman of that fact days before Christmas and—
"Oh, yes, we still are," the woman happily answered, her eyes crinkling in the corners. "And that's after six children and eighteen grandbabies. We started young. Do you have any of your own?"
This whole thing was like a train wreck in slow-mo but I was too stupefied to do anything about it.
Since Miami, Stellan and I have carefully skirted any mention of marriage, or any kind of a real next step. Because we know what happened last time and it seemed like neither of us was interested in getting near that kind of pain again.
Limbo has its silver linings—if you look really, really hard.
But Stellan, to my surprise again, didn't seem bothered by it at the moment, because he laughed like he had this conversation with random people everyday.
"Not yet but maybe in a couple of years," he said with a big-ass grin, glancing at me, his eyes teasing. "Maybe when we're ready to share each other with one or two little ones. I understand they can be quite demanding."
"Oh, yes, but they bring you so much joy," the woman said. "Not always a lot of fun but so much joy. And don't worry. It might seem impossible in theory but you find time to make it work. You don't have to stop being selfish of each other."
"Alright, then!" I finally burst out, slapping down some cash and grabbing our bags. "Thank you for the ever so helpful family-planning advice. My, uh, husband and I are going to um, make those babies. Merry Christmas. Bye!"
Do you have brain rot, Kady? Because it sure sounded like it back there.
I ran out of there like I was on fire.
The words 'my husband' haven't touched my mouth in years. I remember how they burned like acid each time I had to say them—and that was before Warren's assault. They were words I swore I would never say again.
And wife, in reference to me, was another word that always felt like a tightening leash around my neck.
It was constricting.
It always felt cheap especially under the circumstances I became one.
It made me shudder.
Made my skin crawl.
Except it didn't for a second there, when Stellan pretended you were his. Like how you'd imagine it sometimes before you kick yourself.
"Kady, where are you going?" Stellan called after me, catching up as I marched down the sidewalk.
"To the car!"
"But it's in the opposite direction."
I almost tripped but Stellan caught my elbow and steadied me on my feet.
I pivoted quickly and started going down the sidewalk again, avoiding Stellan's eyes.
"Kady, wait," Stellan said, stepping in front of me so quickly, my boobs bumped against his hard chest. Yup. Still a time-traveling pair.
I took a deep breath and met his eyes because that was the only option. I didn't like coming undone in front of him and I was real close at the moment.
Usually, I hold it together pretty well against triggers. But there were times when they would just take me under with no warning.
"We will drop off the bags in the car but we're going to stay in downtown, find a nice local restaurant for dinner, and enjoy the rest of the evening," he said, firmly grasping my shoulders as if he didn't trust me not to bolt again.
That's been a thing lately, actual and metaphorical.
"Sure. That works," I said with a slow nod.
Stellan raised a brow, unconvinced. "I was just teasing in there, Kady. Just humoring the lady."
Of course, he was.
I knew that.
I was just overreacting, like always.
A laugh broke out of me—lamely, of course. "Well, it was kinda hard not to. She was really into it. I didn't have the heart to stop her."
I really didn't.
Because for a second there... No.
"But you're right. You were just pulling my leg there," I said with a shake of my head. "We're here to have fun, right? To have a good time. Now that I think about it, that was pretty funny."
Of course, I was rambling.
It was awkward as shit and we still had two days left to this trip.
After separate flights to Seattle and a long drive on winter roads, we arrived at the quaint little town of Darby yesterday evening but we pretty much fainted straight into bed and slept for about sixteen hours total. We each had a granola bar before bundling up and heading into town for supplies.
With Christmas just a week away, downtown was decked out in twinkling lights, holiday decor, and a fresh dusting of snow from this morning. Our first stop had been the town's famed candy shop.
"The look on your face was definitely something to see."
I gave him a sheepish smile, really committing to it now because laughing about it was better than fighting about it. "I'm sure. I don't know what I was thinking. It wasn't like you were going to drop down on one knee and propose to me right then and there just because a total stranger thought we were married."
A corner of Stellan's mouth turned up in a half-smile. "No, I wasn't."
Something came loose in my chest and I choked out a breathless laugh.
Relief's a weird feeling that it doesn't always feel the same way.
"Exactly," I said, rolling my eyes. I puffed up my cheeks and released a loud exhale. "Fuck, that was brutal! Small towns, eh? Everyone's so damned nosy."
"Part of the charm," Stellan muttered before glancing up and around. "Let's drop off the bags and get something to eat, shall we? I'm starving."
I happily agreed.
This trip is critical for us after the last couple of months.
I've been knee-deep in a massive new flip for a row of townhomes this time—my biggest project yet. Stellan had been traveling a lot for work as he got ready to launch a new medical robotics company. While I missed him, I gave him wide berth. It was a passion project he'd been working on for years and I didn't want to distract him from it. Also, it helped that we both had something to keep us preoccupied separately. It didn't leave much time for thinking, or talking, or, most importantly, dealing with this growing awareness that we were now hanging on by our fingernails at this point.
About two months ago, after a little breather, he showed up at the construction site and asked me to go with him to his annual birthday fundraiser gala. He spotlighted a charity organization each year and it was always well-attended by high-profilers from his world. He'd asked me to go the last couple times since we've been hooking up and I always said no.
When I hesitated this year, he pounced on it with thorough reassurance that we didn't have to admit to anything.
We were mutual friends through Max.
It's just one date, one night.
No big deal.
It would be nice, that's all.
But it was never not a big deal.
Because Stellan attended these things solo unless he was in a relationship with a woman. Or unless he was escorting family or close friends.
So for Kady Lynn Jones to suddenly show up on his arm, it was going to get everyone talking. And it wasn't going to be pleasant talk.
I might do it if I could honestly admit that I didn't care about what anyone said.
About me, I really didn't.
About him, I cared a whole fucking ton.
But it wasn't just the nasty gossip.
It also meant getting on the radar of Stellan's family and closest friends. He'd tried a few times to talk me into going with him to events involving them but I always steered clear.
If this had been somebody else, an appearance or two might not necessarily signify some kind of grand romance leading to the altar. But there was no doubt that the people who knew Stellan very well would have questions and expectations, and we couldn't afford either. Our close call with his best friends in Miami was already under terrible circumstances. They defended me there but I was afraid to find out if they would change their tune when it's Stellan they might have to protect this time around. No one faulted me that night, as was right, but that was one interaction against my mile-long rap sheet. History carried a lot of weight.
The last thing I wanted to do was put Stellan at odds with the people that mattered most to him. I had no doubt he would take my side, and that would hurt him, and that would break my heart. He'll try to win them over, to get them to see this non-existent version of me that only he is enlightened enough to recognize. They would get angry and likely accuse me of seducing him out of his wits as plenty other people have in the past, as if that was the only explanation as to why some men risked so much for the chance to slobber all over me. And then I'd get fired up and fight everyone and then where would we all be? Stellan would be picking up the pieces and bearing it for everyone, and that wasn't acceptable.
He's never happy about my refusal but avoiding a problem in the first place is only way to fix it.
And it's not exactly like I'm having the time of my life being a dirty secret.
It's becoming harder for me to numb the longing, shrug it off, and move along like it was no big deal.
It has always cost us but now that cost is adding up.
So I was flailing, aware that the driftwood keeping us afloat was disintegrating but still pretty sure that there was no way to swim safely back to shore.
Which is why, on an impulse, I sent him a photo of this remote cabin in a small Montana town that I'd been eyeing as a mountain getaway. It was dirt cheap and in need of work. I just casually mentioned I was going to have a look at it before buying it for myself as a Christmas gift. Not a flip this time. Just something for me.
And he insisted we were going together, no matter the dates.
I would've loved to spend actual Christmas alone with him for the first time ever but like I do each year, I left that for him to spend with his family. We had a handful of days together close to the holidays and like always, as the official catchphrase of our relationship, it would have to be enough.
So here we were—starting somewhat disastrously but nothing that plenty of booze and amazing sex couldn't get back on track.
Dinner had been heavy and delicious at this little smokehouse filled to the rafters with locals. We'd gotten several curious glances but in our hefty scarves and winter hats, I was confident no one actually recognized us. We sipped hot chocolate as we walked holding hands along the very small downtown, stopping at store after store like we would never be able to do at home or in major cities.
The drive back to the cabin was slow and scenic, the long stretch of road quiet and lined with huge, frost-covered trees that glinted almost magically in the moonlight.
The cabin was on a sizeable hillside parcel of land at the southern outskirts of town. A decent-sized creek ran alongside the property which was mostly surrounded by old, massive trees with the occasional peek at the view of the Bitterroot Mountains. Jamie wasn't around to give me a proper estimate but with some serious sweat equity, the cabin could be transformed into a perfect winter getaway.
Maybe this could be a new tradition.
I glanced at Stellan who was driving, his gaze intent on the long, snow-covered driveway that led to the cabin.
Traditions are for the traditional, Kady, and that's not what you two are.
But who said we couldn't be in some small way?
"I'm thinking that a long, warm soak in the tub would be nice," I said just as we pulled up by the front door. "We can light some candles, put some music on and pop open a bottle of wine."
Stellan looked at me with faint crease on his forehead. "Can the hot water tank handle it? I haven't checked but it's probably old and under capacity."
I mentally groaned because the last thing I wanted to talk about was the hot water tank but he had a point. Nothing romantic about an ice-cold bath in a Montana winter.
We promptly located the tank in a small utilities closet just off the kitchen and no, it wasn't big enough to fill the tub. So it had to be quick, joint shower.
And normally, this is when we would jump into bed together, naked and eager.
But it was freezing, thanks to the thirty-year-old furnace, and Stellan seemed pensive. Distant. It felt wrong to just jump him, even knowing he usually couldn't resist my very obvious charms.
Wine. Music. Get him all warm and feeling sexy.
I was starting to feel a little desperate, unable to put a finger on it, but I was scrambling to salvage the situation.
"Can you please pour us some?" I asked, handing him a bottle of red and a small stack of clear plastic cups from the bag we'd taken home from the Darby general store. "Real classy, I know, but this isn't exactly turn-key accommodations."
Stellan smiled faintly and dug out a multi-tool set he always carried in his pocket. "We'll survive."
I was already looking through the playlists on my phone and realized the volume was going to need some help. "Did you bring that speaker-cube thing you have? Maxwell needs a little more respect than this."
"In the right side pocket of my duffel bag, at the very bottom," Stellan said, just as his grip on the multi-tool slipped and he hissed in pain. The sharp tip of the corkscrew-end must've caught him.
"Are you okay?" I asked, rushing to inspect the palm he held up to the light. There was an inch-long gash on the heel of his hand, just under the thumb, and blood was quickly seeping out of it. I cringed. "That looks nasty."
"I'll wash it but it shouldn't be too bad," he said. "Maybe grab the first-aid kit too. I have some antiseptic wipes and Band-Aids in there."
That's Stellan, for you. Ready for anything.
"Shall I kiss it better?" I asked, smiling up at him gently.
He grinned. "I might let you. There is research supporting the idea that something in the composition of saliva triggers the white blood cells to produce a protective barrier that can aid the healing process."
I made a face. "Intriguing but kind of gross."
Stellan raised a brow in challenge. "Is it, considering where else you've put your saliva on me?"
"Okay, that's enough," I said, knowing that when Stellan would go the route of literal logic in an argument, he was bound to win. "I don't like to think about it when I'm putting my saliva on you and I don't intend to start now. Go wash your wound before I make it a bigger one."
"You and your delicate sensibilities." He laughed and headed for the kitchen, grabbing one of our big water bottles along the way.
I went into the only bedroom in the cabin and looked for his duffel bag from a small heap of other bags we'd left on the floor last night.
I easily found the speaker but since I haven't ever had to use the first-aid kit before, I wasn't sure what I was looking for.
I checked all the outer pockets before pulling the whole bag open to search for the damn Band-Aids. I dug around and bumped my knuckles into something hard but velvety.
Weird.
I didn't really think it was the first-aid kit but I pulled it out anyway and the breath stilled in my lungs.
It was a small, square box in black velvet.
I could feel it burn my hand and I almost threw it back into the bag.
But for the life of me, I couldn't.
Like moth to the flame.
With my heart in my throat, I pushed the lid up.
The teardrop diamond sat solitary on an ornate filigree band, glinting brightly against the low lighting of the room, mocking me with the possible meaning of its existence.
A thousand thoughts raced in my head, none of them making the slightest sense even as an inevitable conclusion was forming itself against my will.
I staggered back up to my feet, my shaking hand still unable to release the box and all the doom it brought.
Like a sleepwalker, I found myself heading to the kitchen, too paralyzed by emotion to take command of my own body and tear myself away from this disaster.
Not a sound escaped me as I stood there, holding the ring box and watching Stellan dry his injured hand, aware that we were nowhere near being done spilling blood tonight.
He stood back and must've seen me in his periphery because he turned to face me, a frown starting between his brows.
"Kady? What's wrong?"
He glanced down and saw what was on my hand.
The change in his expression was instantaneous.
The pleats between his brows flattened, his jaw clenched, his eyes shuttered away any emotion.
He just sighed quietly and leaned back against the kitchen counter, his arms crossing.
"So you were going to drop down on one knee and propose," I said in a rough voice.
Maybe I interpreted all of this wrong.
Maybe fate was playing a sick joke on me because Stellan was actually going to propose to some other girl he might have been dating properly this whole time.
But I couldn't pretend that was a real possibility.
I knew it too well deep in my gut, in the same place where I'd always known this was the most painful kind of temptation I figured I wouldn't ever have to confront.
"Not at the candy shop, no, but I thought maybe here, when it was just the two of us," he answered simply. "But that doesn't matter anymore. I already know the answer."
Of course, he did.
My reaction earlier tonight was a solid 'fuck, no' in so many blubbering words.
In fact, everything I've said and done in last two and a half years should've pointed him to the exact opposite of this outcome.
"Why would you do this?" I demanded because the question was just bursting out of me at this point, like blood and life that were making a quick escape through the gaping wound I'd just been dealt with. "I've said from the very beginning—you know that I would never... Why would you even..."
I kept trailing off so I sucked in a deep breath, fighting the sudden trembling of my body. "I know we're kind of—well, actually, I don't really know what we are, even after all this time! But this was never in the cards for us. Why would you even take it this far when you've never even told me you loved me?"
I knew I shouldn't have asked that but I was grasping at any possible logic here because a part of me was quickly abandoning my own sense of it. My heart wanted it too much even as my soul was crumbling at the impossibility of it.
Stellan gave me a small smile—a sad one. "Could have I really said the words, Kady, when I know all they'll do is send you running? But I tried my best to show you, hoping it would be enough."
That gentle admission hit me harder than if he'd driven his fist to my stomach.
My breathing grew choppy and my heart dropped like a rock into a pit inside of me where guilt and agony churned.
Because Stellan was telling the truth, even if it's one I didn't want to admit.
Forcing myself to keep it together for both our sakes, I squared my shoulders and walked over to him with purpose. I set down the ring box on the kitchen counter and backed away, unable to meet his eyes despite my attempt at this bravado.
"That's fine. Don't say the words then. We don't need them. I don't need them. We can stay exactly like we were. It's good enough. We're happy, right? We'll make it work. It'll be just like it was before. We just have to forget this ever happened."
After all that verbal vomit, I looked up and realized Stellan appeared all warped.
Then heat gushed down my cheeks.
Shit.
I was bawling my eyes out.
Since breaking down in front of him in Miami months and months ago, I'd kept my eyes dry around him.
Once is an anomaly.
Twice is looking like I'm definitely lying about the first one.
My hands went to my face as if they could somehow stop the torrent of tears.
Strong arms pulled me in, which just made me cry harder. I bit my lip to keep from sobbing out loud.
He should be angry.
He shouldn't want to be within ten feet of me.
"We can't forget this, Kady," Stellan murmured gently, pressing a kiss on the top of my head. "We either pull through or we don't. Living a dream loses all its magic when it becomes clear that a dream is all it is."
It hurt worse than I ever imagined it—the ultimate damage from someone's love.
His for me and mine for him—our wounds all bled into each other.
The scars, I suspect, we'd share, too.
"To give you the answer you want is to be selfish. And I'm always selfish," I said as my eyes lifted to meet his. "But never, it seems, when it comes to you. At least not when it really comes down to it."
That didn't please Stellan.
If anything, his expression darkened, his jaw tightening. "Be selfish if it means you're never letting me go."
"I can't!" I snapped, moving away from his hold, angry that he still can't understand to this day why he should never ask this of me. "I can't ask you to give up what I can never give you!"
"You don't really know if you can't because you're too afraid to try," Stellan shot back. "You've already decided everything that's going to go wrong, everything that's going to be a mistake on the sole basis of the past—a past you don't realize is poisoning the present and the future which only ensures you live in the endless cycle of your own self-fulfilling prophecy."
I flinched and staggered back, reeling from the sting of his words.
"Don't you think that if I could've bled the poison out of me, I would've already have done it?" I bit out, the sharp edges of my own resentment cutting through my tone. "But I can't so I've learned to live with it. I'm stronger because of it."
"You're not living with it, Kady," Stellan said with an expression that suspiciously looked like pity. "You're slowly dying from it but you're pretending not to know the difference. You don't want to know the alternative and want it badly enough to do something about it."
I don't know if the next words out of my mouth were from somewhere brave in me.
I highly doubt it.
If anything, they came from somewhere wounded and deeply angry.
The kind of place that rips open to let your demons out.
"Maybe I've seen the alternative in the last two and a half years and just decided that while the sex is worth the trouble, it's not enough to make me put the shackles on for you."
Pain flitted across Stellan's face and I almost dropped to my knees and begged him to forgive me that absurd lie.
But I felt like I'd already been transported out of my body, a powerless spectator to my own execution. Someone else was speaking for me. Someone else was digging my grave.
Stellan's mouth thinned into a line, his dark eyes flinty with anger. "You're right. You've had all this time to decide if anything I offered was worth it. Maybe I'm just lying to myself to make it easier. You tell me. You're the expert at it."
With that blow, he made us even.
But the even bigger blow that made no winner of either of us is the fact that we've sunk so low we're now deliberately taking aim at each other where it hurt the most.
So this is how it ends.
It was inevitable.
I just always avoided thinking of how we would go, of how much it would hurt.
Of how much of it would be my own doing.
I watched him in some kind of numbing, horrified silence as he gazed down at the closed ring box for what felt like an eternity. Then he picked it up and gave me a bland half-smile.
"I'll take it so you don't have to run another return-the-ring errand for me," he said before turning away and heading back to the bedroom.
The reminder of how we first came together and how we were ending tonight—of their undeniable parallels—hit me with another wave of guilt.
I slid to the floor as soon as he was gone, my knees tucked under my chin, my arms wrapped around my legs.
As I sat there, echoes of our words and my own scrambled thoughts kept rioting in my head. They kept coming at me until finally, they started to dull and flatten into what sounded like distant chaos—the kind that would somehow dissolve into eventual quiet because they either ran out of steam or I was dead drunk. And when they're gone, maybe everything that had just happened wouldn't be true anymore.
Stupid, I know, but for some reason, I still seemed to be holding on to some lame little hope that this was a nightmare I would snap out of any second now.
Go right ahead and fucking kid yourself.
Then I saw boots on the floor, coming into my vision.
I lifted my head up just as Stellan crouched down to my eye level.
I don't know how long I'd been sitting there but he was already bundled up in his winter gear.
"I have a work emergency to get to right now. There was an equipment malfunction in one of the labs and two employees were injured. They're alright but I can't let anyone work on it until I can be sure that it's safe," he said in a mild, business-like tone, not quite making eye-contact with me. "I just got off the phone with Winslow. He's picking me up from a private air-strip about a fifteen-minute-drive south of the state highway. He's just about to board my jet."
"Okay." I blinked heavy swollen eyes at him. "You don't have to lie about why you need to leave."
Stellan's jaw clenched. "I might have started to lie to myself lately, Kady, but I would never lie to you."
I felt a pang of shame but decided it was better not to say anything.
"We can fly back together," Stellan prompted. "I know it's late but you can sleep on the flight back."
I could be as cold-blooded and practical about this as he was trying to be but it won't be long before the band snapped and I started shattering.
I didn't want it to be in front of Stellan who was going to do the noble thing and pick up the shards even if they cut him. "I think... I think I'll stay."
He finally looked at me, his face grim but concerned. "I can't leave you here on your own in the middle of nowhere. Plus, I need the car."
"It's fine."
"I still need you to pack up but if you're intent on staying then I'll drop you off downtown to check into the local hotel there," he explained slowly, almost as if I were a child.
My brain was still slogging through the rubble that nothing was registering real-time and that was probably hard for him to miss.
"I'll drive to the air-strip and I'll have someone bring you a new car tomorrow morning and pick up the other one from the air-strip to return to the rental place," he finished. And when I didn't say anything, he touched my knee briefly. "Does that make sense, Kady?"
Nothing was making sense, least of all this cold, endless ocean I could feel between us even when he was literally just a mere two inches from me.
But I nodded. Felt like it was the least I could do at the moment.
I was in some kind of a trance throughout the quick packing I had to do. Nothing was said in the drive and the twenty-minutes it took to register me at the only hotel downtown. Stellan carried my two duffel bags up the stairs and I watched him from my seat at the edge of the bed, blank-eyed most likely, as he looked around the room for a quick inspection.
"Seems safe and comfortable enough," he said, finally turning to me. "I suggest you cut this trip short and just come back with Jamie if you still need to look at the cabin. Or I can send Jamie on a flight here as early as tomorrow."
When I said nothing, Stellan ran his hand through his disheveled hair—a gesture I'd seen him do at least a dozen times tonight in the aftermath of everything that had happened. But I no longer had the right to reach up and fix it for him, even as my hand itched to do so.
He squatted in front of me. He'd managed to keep his expression and tone neutral as we went about this abrupt exit tonight but now his eyes were bright with emotion again.
"Or you can say still say yes and come with me," he said, his throat working, his voice a little choked up. "I'm not exactly sure how long I'll be tied up with the situation at work but we can sit down and figure it all out right after."
My heart glowed hot and bright with hope, refusing to be rationalized.
Yes. Anywhere. Always. Whatever you want. Whatever it takes.
It took so much for me to lift my hand and lightly cup the side of his face. "Go where you need to be."
Pain flashed in his expression for the second time tonight and he closed his eyes. "I've always hoped that it was wherever you were."
I couldn't smother a broken gasp fast enough but I bit down on it as best as I could.
I was only a few words away from begging him to stay.
He clutched my hand and turned his face slightly to press a hard kiss on my palm, his lips burning their mark on my skin.
His brows pulled tightly, deep furrows forming between them, his closed eyes squeezing.
Then he got up on his feet, releasing me like I'd burned him back. "I'll be there whenever you're ready to talk. "
There was so much he left unsaid with that statement because we both know that to seek him out now could only mean one thing.
The one thing you can never give him at the price you can afford to pay.
Tears stung behind my eyes again but I reigned them in.
I've held him back for long enough already.
It was time for him to go and he knew it.
We both did.
"Take care of yourself, Kady," he said, only the mildest tremor in his voice, before closing the door behind him.
And just like that, he was gone.
*****
Ninya's Notes:
Hi everyone! How are you?
Last week's chapter was contentious but I think it was telling that things weren't really going to be happily-ever-after by the next one. Something I've observed about failing relationships I've seen other people be in, is that sometimes, the worse things are, the harder people try to make it seem things are just fine. Which is what's happened to these two many months after that Miami incident. I hope it was obvious from the beginning of this chapter just how fragile their hold was on their relationship at this point. It was never healthy and it was never meant to last this way. No matter how much they might want and care for each other, they were coasting on very unsteady grounds that even without the amount of baggage Kady carries around, they probably wouldn't have made it.
Now onto Kady's baggage... Last week's chapter was a symptom of everything that Kady hides well behind her tough act. In the next couple chapters, we will understand more of her history and hopefully see what's led her down this self-destructive path. It might be too much for some but when I decided on Sinner and Saint as the title, I wanted the female lead to earn the reference. And I wanted the obstacles between them to be substantial enough to be worth the struggle. A reasonable woman would probably just walk down the altar where Stellan's waiting. So it had to be a woman who isn't going to be as reasonable as we might hope for someone like Stellan who probably deserves an easy happily-ever-after. But that's my brand of romance fiction for you. LOL.
Anyway, let me know what you think.
I featured Exile in this chapter because I played this song specifically on repeat around the time I was writing this section. It's my favorite song in Folklore.
Till the next post! Take care of yourselves...
Ninya
♪♪♪ Chapter Soundtrack: Exile by Taylor Swift feat. Bon Iver ♪♪♪
I can see you standin', honey
With his arms around your body
Laughin' but the joke's not funny at all
And it took you five whole minutes
To pack us up and leave me with it
Holdin' all this love out here in the hall
I think I've seen this film before
And I didn't like the ending
You're not my homeland anymore
So what am I defendin' now?
You were my town
Now I'm in exile seein' you out
I think I've seen this film before
Hoo, hoo-ooh
Hoo, hoo-ooh
Hoo, hoo-ooh
I can see you starin', honey
Like he's just your understudy
Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me
Second, third, and hundredth chances
Balancin' on breaking branches
Those eyes add insult to injury
I think I've seen this film before
And I didn't like the ending
I'm not your problem anymore
So who am I offending now?
You were my crown
Now I'm in exile seein' you out
I think I've seen this film before
So I'm leavin' out the side door
So step right out
There is no amount
Of cryin' I can do for you
All this time
We always walked a very thin line
You didn't even hear me out (You didn't even hear me out)
You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)