Chapter 15
Finn
"Nico look at the stars tonight, they're thousands of them," I said as we left the dining room to go out on deck. I rushed out and was amazed at the evening sky. I pulled my sketch book out of my messenger bag, which is always with me and sat down in a chair and began to sketch some of the swirls the sunset was making, I'd have to just remember the colours, but as long as I got down the basic movement, I was good. This was going to be my next painting. "It almost reminds me of the sky in Edvard Munch's The Scream, or some of his other less dramatic paintings," I observed as Nico walked up behind me.
"Or Van Gogh's Starry Night," he added. "It is beautiful…it's gotten chilly, I'll go get us some sweaters. I'll be right back."
"Okay, thanks." I kept sketching out as many details as I could and a few minutes later Nico came back wearing a midnight blue sweater and carrying another for me. It was a dark green, light cashmere sweater, just warm enough without being too heavy…and the soft, luxurious cashmere, very Nico I thought to myself. It even smelled like him, a hint of his favourite cologne mixed with his own masculine scent that I loved. Oh god, why won't my brain just shut up.
"Thanks," I said once I had pulled it over my head.
"I brought your journal too," he said, putting the book on the table next to me. He sat down in one of the sofas nearby and looked up at the sky I was sketching.
The journal made me think of some of the questions I'd had since Declan and Ajax first told me Nico had left.
"Nico, why exactly did you choose that time, to…leave. Was it what happened at the club…or…what exactly."
"It was a combination of things; what you went through after…what you saw…"
"Yeah, but that wasn't your fault...Ajax said you were drugged." Nico's face dropped and the pain and anguish was so evident I could feel it from my seat. "I…I'm sorry, Nico, I should have brought that up." He shook his head like it didn't matter, but I could tell it did.
I had more questions and thought if I was ever going to ask, now was the time. "Will you tell me the truth…" His eyes shot up immediately.
"I told you I wouldn't lie to you anymore."
"Did Declan say something to you, to get you to leave…to get you to leave me with him?" Nico's face paled and I knew my answer already. It took him a long time to answer as he seemed to try to figure out what to say.
"I don't want to come between you and Declan, he and Jaime took care of you."
"There is no me and Declan. I have a relationship with Jaime, but Declan and I barely spoke the last year I was in New York. I don't even want him at my opening next month, Jaime and baby Daisy are flying in, but I asked Jaime to come without Declan."
"Are you sure about that? I mean, if it's because of me, I could stay back."
"No, Nico," I sighed, "It's because of things that happened between Declan and I, he and I don't see eye to eye on most things and our relationship just turned toxic. Besides, I want you to be there more than anyone. If it weren't for you, I never would have been painting in the first place." The tension in Nico's face relaxed, but I still wanted the truth about Declan's involvement.
"Please tell me the truth about Declan, did he tell you to leave me?"
"He did what he thought was best for you. When he found out about us…and what happened…he…he didn't give me any choice Finn. He insisted I leave and wouldn't even let me say goodbye." Nico paused and I stayed silent, Cynthia always used that trick on me to get me to spill all of my guts. "Declan said he would call the police if I didn't leave. That wouldn't have been good for either of us, I thought I was doing what would hurt you the least."
I let out another long sigh. "I thought for so long, you left because you didn't love me anymore, that you didn't want to be with me."
"I know, when I read that in your journal…it wasn't at all true Finn. It couldn't have been farther from the truth. Just after…the…what happened at the club…once it all set in, I…couldn't face you…"
Nico trailed off and I watched his chest rise and fall as his breathing picked up. But with all I had learned with Cynthia, I knew it was important to let it out and face all the truths, no matter how hard, otherwise you couldn't get past them…and I'm sure Nico hadn't sought any professional help.
"After the rape Nico. You were raped. That wasn't your fault, they drugged and raped you, Ajax told me what happened. I knew that you had nothing to do with…being with Gerard, you didn't choose to be a part of that scene. Why I even thought you did at first is beyond me. Gerard took your phone and sent these pictures and texts…"
"I know, I saw them after. The pictures…I was just demonstrating for the other Dom's on Quentin, Phillip's submissive. Phillip was right there, he asked me to show them the technique."
"That was actually one detail I never found out," I admitted.
"Gerard was in the audience and he must have taken my phone out of my jacket. I'm sorry Finn, that part was my fault. I should have checked with you first before I agreed, to make sure you were comfortable with it."
"How…what happened that night Nico? Do you remember how they drugged you?"
"Probably in one of my drinks. Gerard had been cheating on Jeff with some guy and the two of them cooked it all up to hurt you and get back at me. I really don't remember much after that." Nico looked more and more distressed as he spoke.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to Nico, but it might help to get it all out."
"It wasn't until the drugs wore off that I started to get flashbacks of what happened. I…would see Gerard's face above me and I could." Nico paused as a tear started to roll down his cheek. I moved over to the sofa and sat next to him, taking his hand in mine. "I could feel his hands all over me…they had undressed me…I guess you know that part…I'm so sorry you had to see that." The tears were flowing faster and I reached up and wiped them away gently with my thumbs.
"Whenever I thought about it, my skin would crawl…I didn't want to be around anyone, I didn't want anyone to touch me. It was like…during it…I had no control over anything…not even my body…the drugs, they made me…"
"I understand," I said softly.
"I don't even know, I don’t remember if they put a condom on me…Dr. Cortez gave me antibiotics right away and tested me for everything…I kept getting tested every six months and thank god nothing ever showed up." I rubbed my thumb over the back of Nico's hand and it seemed to relax him.
"It made me so sick to think about, I began to drink to try to erase the images. Doc said I was suffering from depression and maybe some Post Traumatic Stress, he tried to get me to talk to someone, but I…I didn't want to talk about it."
"I wish I was there to help you Nico." He looked up at me full of sadness and it felt like my heart dropped.
"I wouldn't have wanted you to see me like that. I…there were times…I just wanted it over…I didn't want to feel the pain anymore."
I felt my breath catch in my throat. The thought of Nico, killing himself. Of never having this opportunity, to see him again. It scared me more than anything. "Don't say that Nico," I hissed as I tried to breathe again. "Don't ever think like that again."
"But…I lost everything. The only thing I held on to, finally…was you. Your pictures, your paintings…my memories of us. And when Ajax would visit me, he'd tell me what he knew…he texted me a picture he took on his phone of you and Benji in New York….God! You looked so happy and, it helped. As long as I knew you were okay, I could keep going."
"Did you ever…um…try to find Gerard and that guy, to press charges or anything?"
"I had some people trying to find them, but nobody really knew who the guy was, he used a fake name, they just dropped off the radar…until…"
"Until when?"
"One of my security people picked up a lead in New York last year. They kept feelers out even though I'd given up."
"New York! Shit! Did they find him?"
"They found someone…they weren't sure at first, but eventually got confirmation."
"Where in New York?"
"In a morgue, drug overdose."
"Oh my god." I was stunned and I didn't know how to feel. I could sense the same sentiment from Nico. I mean, Gerard was a horrible, horrible person…but to end up like that. Nobody deserved such an ending. "I don't know what to say or to think," I admitted.
"That's pretty much where I was left."
We sat together for a while, not saying much. I had Nico's hand in my lap and just ran my fingers over his palm. It felt comforting to me, just to sit there with him and I hoped he felt the same.
When I was ready to leave, Nico texted his men to meet us at the speed boat. I started to take off the sweater, but he stopped me. "Keep it, it will be chilly out on the water. I have some windbreakers down by the launch, I'll get you one of those too." I was more than happy to keep it on, more for the comfort of his smell than anything else. The evening had taken a difficult turn and I was feeling uncertain and confused.
"Will you be okay to drive home?" Nico asked.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. I only had the one beer this afternoon."
"I know, it wasn't that. You look…a bit drained."
"I'm fine. It's all been a lot to take in. So much…craziness. All stemming from Gerard's…I guess it was jealousy."
"I know, I've run it through my head a million times, what could I have done to change the way things unfolded."
"Yeah, but there's nothing you could have done, who could have known what was going to happen. All you can do is heal and move forward. Gerard certainly paid the price for his actions, we have to put it behind us as well."
"I know. And seeing you, talking about it tonight, it really helped."
We walked down to the lower level down the hallways to the boat launch. I saw ahead of us, the two security men starting up the small boat and getting it ready. Nico was a few steps ahead of me and I stopped. When Nico realized I wasn't moving he came back. He said I looked drained, but Nico looked worse. It had been hard for him to talk about what happened, to be so candid and open up with the most intimate details of a horrific experience. I was pretty sure he hadn't spoken to anyone before in such detail, maybe Ajax, but I was pretty sure he had held back a lot from his brother as well.
Nico's eyes held a question in them as he looked at me silently.
I'm sure mine looked quite the same. My hands felt clammy with nerves. Do I? Maybe this isn’t what he wants. What do I want. Do I risk it?
Worst case he pushes me away and we go back to where we were, maybe a bit uncomfortable at first, but I’d been through worse, I could take it.
I turned to Nico and stepped right up in front of him. He looked almost stricken in his uncertainty and took a step back. We began a slow dance, me taking a step forward and he taking one back until we reached the wall behind him and he had nowhere to go. I was well into his personal space and there was no doubt what my intentions were. I reached up and took his face in my hands and before he could object, I leaned in and pressed my lips into his.
His body was so tense it was almost trembling. He held his arms stiffly at his sides the palms against the wall and although he let me kiss him, he made no movement to reciprocate. Had I made a mistake?
“Kiss me back Nico…please.”
He hesitated for a moment more, as if running it over in his head and then I felt his arms slowly brush against my arms as they rose until his hands were on my shoulders. I leaned in again, pressing my lips against his once more, and he kissed back this time, tentatively at first and then I felt his mouth relax into the kiss until he opened up to me and our tongues met, taking turns moving from his mouth to mine. His arms snaked around my back and pulled me into his chest. As his arms became tighter I brought my hands around his neck and we pulled ourselves together so every part of our bodies were touching. The almost electric charge between us was tangible…I felt shivers go up and down my body like never before, even more than when we were together back before everything went awry.
The kiss became stronger, more fervent and impassioned. I was so lost in his arms and our connection that it made me dizzy, heady. I don't even know if I remembered to breathe, but breathing didn't seem so important at the moment. When we finally broke we both gasped for air, our bodies giving us a blatant reminder of the necessities of life. But to me, was it true…that maybe Nico, was also a necessity in my life?
"I'd better go," I said meekly, more confusion washing in. Everything was changing and I didn't know how Nico fit into my plans. I think he understood because he slowly relaxed his arms and let me go. I took a few steps back and then turned toward the waiting speed boat.
"Finn," Nico called out. I turned back and he held out one of the windbreakers I remember from our trip down the coast, with Serenity embroidered on the front. I took the jacket with a nod and put it on while his eyes stayed trained on mine. Finally I turned back and jumped down onto the boat, took my seat and looked back up at Nico, whose eyes hadn't left me.
The driver revved the boat and backed it up before taking off for shore, I turned my head and watched Nico until I lost sight of him in the dark night.