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It was hard. It was the hardest thing I've ever, ever done. Looking into the eyes of the families who's lives I have ruined. Looking into the eyes of the countless people pretending to be happy for me, when all they feel is vengeance and hatred towards me, for killing their children.
But it shouldn't be me. It shouldn't be me they're angry at.
It should be the President
It should be the Gamemakers
It should be the very twisted minds behind the yearly games.
I received nothing but cold smiles and blank stares from District 2 and 3. Of course, if I had died, one of the more career-like tributes would have likely taken my place. Yes, being in District 4 classes me as a Career, but not as privileged and strong as District 1. They were the worst, and the angriest. I mean, they do spend their whole lives prepping for the games and only the games.
However, when I arrived at District 11, the atmosphere was completely different to what I had previously been experiencing.
On two small stages towards the back of the crowd, stood the families of the tributes. Although, I had no encounter with the male tribute from 11, Branch, his family, along with every other person in the crowd looked up at me with the most utmost respect. Their eyes pleading and hopeful.
I've earned their respect by showing compassion for their youngest ever tribute.
I did plan on what to say. But, in that moment, all my plans had left my head, so I relied on my improvisational skills instead.
I felt pressured. Pressured because in the short amount of time I had come to know Fern, she had taken up a place in my heart, and I can never repay her for what she did in that arena.
"I didn't know your tributes very well. Well, I didn't know Branch at all, actually. But I did know Fern. And the couple of hours I was lucky to spend with her, every second felt like a year. She saved my life, and I could never, ever repay her for doing so. Without Fern, I wouldn't be standing here today. Without her, I'd have been sent home in a black box, just like she was."
"Yes, Fern is no longer with us. She can no longer spend time with her sister, who I've been told resembles me. She can no longer brighten up someone's day with her innocent smile. Much like my dear brother... everything which she had the right to has been snatched away from her."
"But I still see her. Not only in my dreams. I also see her in my own sister, Cordelia. I see her in the tiny meadow we have back at District 4. Just last week, I asked Cordelia to wash my hair, so I could imagine fern's fingers running through it again. Imagine her youthful, perky voice as she spoke with no doubt that I would use her trust to my advantage."
"I wish I could do more for you. I wish I could bring her back. I'm sure you all do too. But, but the most I can do is make a request. A very important request. If I don't, then I wouldn't be repaying your child at all."
"Please, never, ever forget her. But when you remember her, don't recall her smile with sadness. Don't look back at your memories with tears. Look back with pride. With fondness and happiness. Because in reality, I'm not the Victor, she is. She is a Victor, a winner, a savior, and even more."
The audience grew silent, but then I heard loud clapping. I didn't think it was possible, but I was being looked up to with even more respect than before.
That's when I saw it.
A girl around my age, who I'm guessing is Fern's sister, pressed her three middle fingers of her left hand to her lips and then held them out to me. She was then followed by every single person in the crowd. From young to old, male and female, wealthy and poor, they all held out a three finger salute to me. For me. Or for Fern. Or for us both.
I did the same, repeating their action and held it out to them. An act of respect for an act of respect. It was for Fern. She was the real winner.
A strip of wax being pulled off my leg pulls me out of my thoughts, but I don't react to the pain. Instead, I just sit still, staring at my feet. Completely oblivious to the painful stinging sensation on my legs.
My prep team must know I'm not feeling so good, as Goldie isn't asking her usual questions about Fin.
Tears prick my eyes, but I don't know if they're from the physical pain, or the emotional pain, that just keeps on growing. These past few days, I've gotten no break. No break from having to put on a brave face, having to smile and laugh, when all I want to do is break down into tears.
Soon enough they start chatting about their own personal lives and gossip whilst applying product after product onto my face.
"Oh, have you heard about Tinle?"
"OMG, I didn't know she was pregnant!"
"I can't believe she was talking with her mouth full at my party!"
After what seems like hours, Sequoia arrives and dismisses them, unpacking my dress and completing any adjustments.
First comes the interview, to which I wear a gold, floor-length gown. It's beautiful, as always. But, I can't allow myself to be grateful. If I had taken care of Anson. If I stuck with him. If I stood by his side.... he could have been here. He should be here. Not me.
I look at myself in the floor length mirror, what am I doing? It's all just a game. This isn't who I am. Tears threaten to spill from my eyes and Seqouia takes me into her arms.
"It's okay, love. It'll be all okay. You'll be home by the end of tomorrow, yes?" I nod my head and blink away the water.
"Yes, yes. I'll be fine."
She gives me a look of sympathy. The one everyone seems to be giving to me. I hate it. If I'm not known as the Capitol's Princess, then I'm the girl who got reaped with her brother in the same games. The girl who watched her older brother be torn to shreds.
I'm guided through a dark hallway, from where I can see Caesar Flickerman announcing me to the large audience.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have the pleasure of presenting our beautiful victor, Nerissa Alvaro"
I walk onto the stage, smiling and waving at the crowd below, praying I don't trip.
The interview consists of Caesar asking me questions and me answering them with scripted replies, but most if it is a blur. The past few weeks have been a blur, everything going through one ear and coming out the other. The endless fake smiles and laughs as tiring as ever.
I wish Finnick was with me every second. As there was no need for him to come, with Mags in attendance, but he always manages to make me feel better. Always eases my nerves and calms my anxiety. His smile the antidote to my pain. His soft words of affirmation following me everywhere.
I lay on my back, on the lush Capitol mattress. As comfortable it may be, I can't bring myself to sleep. The monster under my bed that used to haunt me during my younger years terrorizing my mind and heightening my paranoia. Anson's innocent face flashes in my mind. Then Fern's. Then the countless tributes who's lives I ended.
Oh, how I wish to be back in my brother's arms. For him to protect me and never fail to. For him to protect me although I couldn't protect him. I see his face again. The Minotaur. A life-threatening growl louder than anything I've ever heard. I see blood and torn flesh everywhere. All over the floor. All over the bed. Splatters of red across the ceiling and walls. Screams. His screams. His cried for help. Me. Helpless. Him, even more so.
I scream so loudly. My shrieks begging for someone to help him. I scream in hope that it's all a dream. A bad dream. None of it is real. No, I'll be home soon. Home to my older brother's delicious fish stew. The sound of him whistling as he stands busy at the stove. His smile and warmth will greet me as I go inside, and he'll give me one of those mellow bear hugs that I complain about so much. A smile forms on my face as I remember his, and I close my eyes in hope of getting some well-needed rest.
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I'm back! So, so sorry for the late update! I've just been SO busy with school work. But, the next update will be very soon :)
I've got a lot of ideas for this story, so have been trying to sort out my chaotic mind! But I do have an idea of what's going to happen next and how the story will end :P
Anyway, if you're enjoying it please do tell me! Some feedback would be lovely!!