19 weeks pregnant
when i was growing up, mental health was never shown to be a priority. my family never talked about the importance of taking care of yourself mentally. to be honest, it was more shame than anything. if you were depressed or had anxiety, you were seen as crazy by my family. well, at least by my parents. asher and dustin have helped me out a lot. but maybe this is why i'm sitting here in this waiting room, my leg shaking up and down, as i wait for the therapist to call my name. i felt michael wrap his hand around mine as i took a deep breath.
"are you okay?"
michael asked. what a loaded question.
"no. i'm so fucking nervous."
i sighed. the last time i saw a therapist was after we lost luca. and even then, i didn't go more than a handful of times. maybe that's why i never truly mourned him.
"there's nothing to be scared of. they're here to help you."
michael said.
"yeah, but i hate talking about my feelings. you know that."
"i know but if you want to get rid of these nightmares, you need to talk it through with someone."
"and that someone can't be you?"
i asked with a pout. michael just looked at me and smiled.
"no, babe. you need to talk to someone who can professionally help you. and then you can tell me all about it when you get out."
michael said as i sighed.
"i just don't want to do this."
"i know you don't. but it's so important that you talk to someone. if not for yourself, do it for the baby. you need to sleep, alex, and you won't be able to sleep if you keep having nightmares."
michael said as i nodded. he's right. why the fuck does he have to be right?
"i miss luca."
i sighed as i rested my head on michael's shoulder. being here just reminds me of the pain that i went through when we lost him. he should be here. we should be able to hold him and love him. we never got to hold him. and i guess that's what hurts the most.
"i do too."
michael said.
"did you ever really mourn?"
i asked michael. that's a loaded question.
"yes and no. sometimes i think i'm doing good and other times i close my eyes and see you crying in pain and knowing he's gone. it comes in waves."
michael said. it hurts so much to know that he still feels hurt by losing luca. i know neither of us are really never going to be able to move past losing him without feeling something. we'll both always be in pain. i guess it's just easier for me to accept my own pain than to know michael is still in pain.
"i'm sorry."
"it's not your fault. it's just one of those feelings that never really goes away. but it just gets easier to deal with as time goes on. and having luna around made it a bit easier too. if she wasn't around then i think i would have found myself in a deep depression. i just wanted to be strong for the both of you."
michael said. my heart shattered to hear him talk like that. i never want him to feel like he can't show his feelings to me or isn't allowed to have feelings because of luna and i.
"you know you're always allowed to feel. and i'll always be here to talk when you need it."
i said as i ran my hand through his blonde hair.
"i know. i love you."
"i love you too."
i said as i placed a kiss to his lips. that's when i heard my name being called by the therapist. i sighed as i stood up off the chair.
"good luck. you'll be okay."
michael said with a slight smile. i smiled back at him before heading back with the therapist. talking to michael really helped to relieve my anxiety. i'm just praying that this therapist can be as easy to talk to as michael. and hopefully, this therapist can actually help with my nightmares and anxiety.