CW: anxiety, physical pain, paranoia
(Ranboo becomes unable to speak English when stressed)
You just need to make it to the panic room.
Just run.
I was in full auto pilot as I ran from my new house, my new friends. I knew they would hurt me. I knew since the moment Phil found me. I couldn't get comfortable, but I allowed myself to try and this is where it got me.
Alone. Again.
It wasn't even a big argument. My mind skidded and spun out and I had to follow it. God, why did I think they liked me? Why did I think that was okay? Obviously Techno would have been upset about it. Stealing, even something as insignificant as a few pieces of wood, is stupid.
Stupid and wrong and horrible and-
"Ranboo, wait!" I didn't need to turn to know that Phil was chasing me. I tried to speak but my words caught in my throat as though it was coated in barbed wire. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't apologize. I was stuck in my mind.
What remained of L'manburg loomed in the distance as I reached the beach. I didn't have any armor on, but whatever was making me move didn't care. The water hit my skin like acid. Cold and hot at the same time.
I deserve this. This is my punishment.
Only once I made it into my small dark room did I realize the extent of my pain. Pins stabbed up and down my body. My fingers flushed with the color and feeling of fire as I covered my face. The corner of the room felt safe but excruciating as my skin made contact with the rough walls and floor. I tried to scream but only garbled speech came out. Who was I even screaming out for? I scrambled about, looking for my memory book, but coming up empty. I must of dropped it.
Dream has it again. You'll never escape him.
"Oh god, Dream ⍑ᔑᓭ ╎ℸ ̣. No, it must be a mistake. It has to be here. It has to. Where could it be? Did you hide it? No, I had it with me. You must of ↸∷𝙹!¡!¡ᒷ↸ it somewhere. No, no, I'm careful I wouldn't have..."
I curled into a ball. It was too much. The light from the entrance grew into a painful, blinding beam and the sound of murmuring water turned into a roar. I covered my ears and put my pounding head between my shaking knees. I had to remember, or I wasn't going to be able to leave.
"Okay, okay... who are my friends?" I started to recite my journal, my anchor. "Phil... No, no he's ᒲᔑ↸ at us... Um- Techno! No, he hates us now as well... Tommy? No, we exiled him. It's our ⎓ᔑ⚍ꖎℸ ̣. Who- ∴⍑𝙹 ᒷꖎᓭᒷ?"
I stopped.
I didn't have anyone. I hurt everyone.
"Ranboo, where are you?" Phil called from outside. I hid as far into the corner as I could. He just wants to hurt me. Just like everyone else I hurt.
I flinched as I felt a hand touch my shoulder. My breath caught again and my yelp didn't leave my throat. I covered my mouth with my hands and tried to block out everything. I existed in the eye of the storm in my mind. The chaos swirled and fought to reach me but I was numb. I didn't even realize Phil was frantically trying to get me to respond.
The slicing feeling of my tears brought me back into the storm. Phil was grabbing me. I couldn't understand what he was saying over the water and light, but I could see he looked worried. He hugged me and I could feel the chaos beginning to settle. My breathing settled, the light dimmed, and the noises outside the walls of the panic room began to subside. I finally could hear Phil.
"You're okay, mate. Just breathe. I'm not mad. Techno isn't mad. He just freaks out sometimes and forgets what he's saying." His words blew away the storm in my mind and slowly tempted me to trust again. I moved my hands from my face and put them around Phil. Even if he was lying, his words felt good to hear. He pulled back at this and looked me in the eyes. Through the tears, I could see the remorse plastered onto his face. Maybe he did mean it.
"Do you feel better now?"
"I ᔑᒲ ⎓╎リᒷ" I spoke but only garbled speech came out. I don't understand. I sounded like an enderman, but I couldn't stop. Phil looked at me, concerned.
"Do you not feel like talking?" I nodded. He smiled weakly at me. "Don't worry, mate. We'll get you home." I didn't resist as he helped me up and brought me through the door. As I attempted to block the sun from my eyes, Phil placed his cloak over my shoulders and put the hood up.
"T⍑ᔑリꖌ ||𝙹⚍" I tried again. Embarrassed, I turned away from his stares. He squeezed my hand and lead me back to Techno's house. On the way, Phil entertained the both of us by talking about the stupid things Wilbur, Tommy, and Techno did as kids. I enjoyed the distraction but it didn't stop me from feeling bad. I knew I would have to apologize at some point.
We arrived at the house near sunset. I could see Techno looking through the window at us as we made our way. When we got closer, he came out of the door and stood there, blank faced. I closed my eyes, preparing for the worst. I felt a thud as Techno wrapped his arms around me in a massive hug. He was shaking.
"Are you okay? You look all kinds of messed up." He chuckled, hiding the tears. I laughed.
" ╎ ᔑᒲ 𝙹ꖌᔑ||. ᓭ𝙹∷∷|| ⎓𝙹∷ ᒷ⍊ᒷ∷||ℸ ̣ ⍑╎リ⊣" I forgot myself as I responded. I flinched as I felt Techno draw back a bit. I opened my eyes to Techno snickering.
"I don't know what you just said, but whatever it is, I hope you're okay." He turned more serious. "I know I took it too far, and I'm sorry. You can take what you'd like, but just ask first, okay?" He smiled.
The fog cleared from my mind at this. Maybe I did have friends.
"Also!" Techno said suddenly, "I think you dropped this..." In his hand was my memory book, slightly wet with snow. I took it and flipped to the first page.
'Friends: Phil, Techno'
"ℸ ̣ ⍑ᔑリꖌ... thaリk you..."