You didn't know you could feel that peaceful in Kattegat, but the warmth of the room, softness of the bed and the small waves of sleep along with the sunlight showering the room in gold felt as peaceful as it could get. You rested your head on Ivar's chest while he was sitting up straight with his back against the headboard of the bed, his attention on the wooden rune sticks Bjorn and Ubbe had given him last night with one hand almost lazily playing with your hair while you kept your gaze on the pages of your book. The falcon was flying in the room as she wished and the sound of her wings almost felt like a soothing song to you at this point.
"Ivar?"
"Hm?"
"I think I got the translation wrong-what does this word mean?" You pointed at the line and Ivar turned his head, then leaned in closer.
"Auga?"
"Yes."
"It means eye."
You gawked at the page, frowning, "Wait-" You read the line again, then frowned, "Then it says here- Odin took out his own eye."
"To gain wisdom of the world, yes."
"In return of water from a well- this means a well, does it not?"
"Mm hm. The water of Mimir's Well contained knowledge."
"He took out his own eye?" You repeated, making a face and he chuckled.
"You're getting good at this," he nodded at the book, and you smiled softly, running your fingertip on the yellow page.
"Still not fast enough, though."
"How come you know so many languages and no one taught you anything about ours?"
"When I was growing up?" You asked, then shrugged, "I think that- they expected to marry me off to one of those kings whose language I could speak- or at least close to it, when I grew up. No one really thought about Viking kings and their huge armies."
Ivar scoffed, "They should have," he muttered into your hair, resting his nose on top of your head while you played with your necklace.
"They should have," you repeated "That would surely be more beneficial than other things I've learned."
"Such as?"
"Sewing, for example. I hated it, I was terrible at it and I kept poking my finger."
Ivar scoffed, "What is it with you and sharp objects?"
"And now that I think of it, they should have thought me how to use a sword instead. Nobody taught us anything of the sort, and now I see all these shieldmaidens, they're very good with swords."
"They can surely raise a sword indeed, I think you should start from that."
You elbowed him, making him chuckle silently,
"You will learn. Not even those shieldmaidens you seem to adore so much learned it quickly."
You clicked your tongue and stole a look at the sticks he was holding. "What are you reading?"
"Something much less entertaining than story of Odin's eye."
You reached out to grab one from him "Is this what Ubbe gave you?"
"Yes. Merchants and their monthly incomes when we're on a raid."
You looked at the lines, but the language was more complex than your book's language. Ivar's grip around your waist tightened as he pressed his lips to your shoulder, making your cheeks burn as you sat up straighter.
"I can help you if you translate this to me."
He didn't even raise his head, "Hm?"
"I can help you with this- where is the rest that shows their income when you're not on a raid?"
"Y/N-"
"Where is it?"
"On the table, but-" he was cut off when you got up from the bed, and made your way to the table, making him heave a sigh. You could feel his intense gaze on you, watching your every move but you forced yourself to focus on finding what you were looking for.
"That's way too troublesome." Ivar commented, "I'd rather deal with the raid instead."
"Some of your people aren't warriors," You reminded him, "And I should learn of the finances and the treasury, if I will be responsible of everything while you're away."
That seemed to make him smile a little and you raised your head from the rune sticks, smiling back at him.
"What?" You asked and he shook his head.
"Nothing. You will grow weary of it very soon."
"Contrary to what you seem to believe, I wasn't only educated in sewing." You shot him a reprimanding look, "I know how to deal with treasury, all the princesses know."
Ivar held up his hands, mocking surrender, "Very well then."
"Is it alright if I have Gala translate these for me?"
"It's not as if they're very important," Ivar shrugged, "You will get bored though."
You grabbed the quill and the ink pot along with your parchments .
"How am I supposed to rule when you're away?"
"But will you write me?" You insisted, tears filling your eyes once again as Bree squeezed your hand. Your bedchamber was empty, and all your trunks were already in Ivar's ships-
Your husband's ships.
Oh God.
"You write me first," she said, "So that I can know whether you're well or not, Y/N. Remember, if you write; "I miss the warm weather"-"
"It means he's planning an attack."
"And if you write I'm grateful for the furs-"
"The ships are already on the way, I memorized everything don't worry." You swallowed thickly, "What should I write if I'm unhappy though, Bree?"
Bree heaved a deep sigh, "Y/N..."
"I- I don't know what to do...at night." You whispered, "I know you taught me some things but I don't think I can do them and- and-"
"Y/N, stop worrying about that."
"Do you know what mother told me?" You asked her, "She told me to please him, that it would work on my own benefit. As if that's the only thing that matters, as if- as if my comfort means nothing to her."
"Don't listen to her."
"That's what everyone thinks." You commented bitterly, "My mother, my brother...everyone around me. Everyone in Kattegat will think the same, my husband included."
"You don't know that, Y/N."
"You and I both know Vikings care very little about feelings, if at all."
Bree opened her mouth, but stopped when somebody knocked on the door, then opened it.
Your brother's men.
"We're ready, your majesty."
You felt as if you would faint, but then Bree pulled you into a deep hug and put something into your palm before closing your fingers around it. You frowned.
"Bree, what-?"You asked, looking down at it and you felt your blood freeze.
A small vial of powder.
Poison.
"Do not let anybody hurt you and walk away unharmed, do you hear me?" her whisper was inaudible to anyone else but you, and she pulled back to look you in the eye, "You were a princess before, and now you're a Queen, you will not be disrespected, in any way."
"Will you come back or not?" Ivar's voice pulled you away from your thoughts and your head snapped up.
"I- yes," You said and took a step but froze upon seeing him, gasping.
"What?"
"Ivar, your eyes!" You rushed to bed to climb it while Ivar looked momentarily confused,
"Hm?"
"Your eyes are too...blue?" You said, looking at the whites of his eyes that had a slight bluish tint, making his blue irises even more vibrant and he closed them for a moment, muttering something that awfully sounded like a cuss under his breath before he opened them back and pulled himself upright, but the mere movement seemed to make him clench his jaw.
"What is it?"
"Nothing."
"Ivar-"
"It'll go away soon," he said curtly and you licked your lips, your eyes searching his face,
"Are you in pain?"
"No," he said through his teeth, his voice carrying none of the softness from minutes ago. Instead it was cold and bitter like before everything.
"Maybe you could rest a little-"
"Y/N."
A part of you wanted to insist but he looked way too annoyed already, and you had a feeling that it would do more harm than good so you just stared at him while gritted his teeth.
"Um-" You forced your mind to come up with something, anything to dissolve this tenseness and let out a small laugh, "I mean I would not oppose if you decided to stay here the whole day."
Nothing.
"In fact, we should do that. Much to Ubbe's displeasure, I'm sure."
Silence.
Alright.
Apparently it would not be that easy this time.
"Have I told you about the time I almost drowned once?"
Ivar turned his head and looked at you silently, as if waiting for you to continue.
"I don't know how to swim, you see. And I-"
"What?"
"I never learned," You shrugged, "We were running around, me and Bree, and I fell down into a lake and by the time guards pulled me up, I had already swallowed so much water, it was terrible. And it was winter time so by the time we got to the castle, I got cold-"
"You don't know how to swim?"
"Because my clothes were drenched," you said, as if he hadn't interrupted you, "Anyway, I had such a fever and I had to stay in bed for days, and couple of days later I thought I would lose my mind. So Bree came up with this little game, to entertain me. Would you wish to hear it?"
Ivar shrugged silently, his jaw still clenched.
"Bree named it What If." You said and cleared your throat, propping your head up on your closed fist, looking up at him. "You will tell me how we would have met if we were commoners."
"That's a foolish game," he commented, "And we would not have met if that were the case."
"That's not true!"
"I would be here in Kattegat and you would be in your country, Y/N."
You frowned, "Well if I were here though."
"Nothing would happen."
"Ivar, you're terrible at this game-"
"Let's say you were here, and not a royal," He said, his tone full of sarcasm, "And if I were not a king, you never would have married me anyway."
"You don't know that."
He shot you a look, then motioned at himself and his legs which were under the heavy covers, "You would laugh in my face and walk away, while I was crawling on the ground."
You gawked at him "You think so low of me?"
He rolled his eyes, "You think highly of the situation."
Part of you wanted to snap at him but you managed to get a hold of your emotions before licking your lips.
"Well then I shall start if you will keep being bad at this," You stated, making him heave a sigh. "If we were not royals, you would be-"
"Dead. Killed by my father after birth."
You ignored his spiteful remarks, "You would be...hmm, what would be your occupation?"
"I think you and I can both agree on one thing for once, it would be very limited."
You thought for a moment, then your head shot up, "Blacksmith!"
"What?"
"You would be a blacksmith, they do not need to run around to forge swords after all. And I would be-"
"Oh I think I can see where this is going..."
"I would be a shieldmaiden, Ivar!" You said with a big smile on your face, making him scoff.
"Of course." he raised his brows, "A shieldmaiden, who can lift her sword I assume?"
"I would be the best shieldmaiden, going to raids, going to war..."
"By the Gods, little shark-"
"In fact, I would be the best shieldmaiden and that's how we would meet."
And thanks to Freyja, Ivar finally looked interested in what you were saying, other than focusing on the pain or his snarky remarks.
"That's how we would meet?" he repeated and you nodded, sitting up straight.
"Because think about it, Ivar. One day, I come back from a raid, all bloody everywhere-"
"Because you had no access to water on a ship?"
You hushed him, waving your hands, "Because I am very ruthless and blood does not scare me."
Ivar pressed his lips together, as if trying to repress a smile and frowned, "Hmm?"
"And I walk into your um- your hut, your blacksmith hut and demand a new sword-"
"What's wrong with your sword?"
"It's dull due to the... blood on it."
"Have you considered wiping the blood and sharpening it?" He commented and you pointed at him,
"See that's what you tell me and I let that slide because it's fate and we're meant to be."
"Speak for yourself, I do not know if I want to end up with a shieldmaiden who walks into blacksmith huts right after a raid, before food or a bath."
You narrowed your eyes at him, making him chuckle.
Finally.
"And when I come back, days later, you present me a new sword and it has my initials on it, and-"
"How do I know your initials?"
"I told you of them."
"You told me your initials?"
"I told you my name, Ivar!" You exclaimed, "And as you give me the sword, you ask for my hand in marriage."
"I feel like I should have done that without any sharp objects around-" he started but was cut off when someone knocked on the door.
"I don't know how Hvitserk always convinces me to be the one to do this," Ubbe's voice carried out inside "What is it with you and waking up late these days?"
"We have been up for hours, Ubbe."
"Of course you have been."
You rolled your eyes, "And you may come in, yelling at each other behind doors is not polite."
Ubbe heaved a deep sigh and opened the door to step inside.
"Come on," he told Ivar as he pushed the covers off of him and grabbed his crutches more slowly than usual, as if trying to be careful.
"You two could leave here when you wake up, you do realize that?"
"But then we wouldn't know how we would have met if we were commoners, brother."
Ubbe looked between you, "What?"
"And Y/N wants me to ask for her hand in marriage with a sword."
"Ivar, you're already married."
"I know," Ivar said as you smiled at Ubbe, and Ivar leaned in to press a kiss to the top of your head, making your smile widen, "I will see you today, hm?"
You nodded, and wrapping your arms around your knees, still looking at them.
"Why are you asking for her hand in marriage again?"
"Come on, I will tell you." Ivar said as he walked past Ubbe and Ubbe nodded at you as you waved at him, then closed the door behind him and you fell back on the bed, smiling wide.
Oh well.
Maybe you were learning more than just the language after all.
***
The brothers apparently had decided to gather once more, much to your surprise. Ivar had sent you a guard, telling you to be in the map room in an hour and you had decided to be there a little early, just in case.
They needed to see that you were taking this seriously after all.
As you walked through the empty hall, away from everyone else, you were murmuring yourself a song that you had learned when you were a child, but two very familiar voices discussing made you stop dead on your tracks.
Bjorn. And Hvitserk.
All of the brothers seemed like they had a deal to talk in your language whenever you were present in the room –for which you were grateful- but when it was just them, of course they spoke in their own language.
Which made it much more difficult to eavesdrop.
You frowned slightly, leaning your back on the wall and tried to make sense of what they were saying.
Bjorn sounded like he was scolding him, and Hvitserk kept trying to interrupt him but then Bjorn snapped, his voice like a whip.
They were talking about...
A bridge-
No, a woman.
You wished you could understand why both of them sounded so angry and Bjorn said something about the woman again, and how he should stop, if you weren't mistaken. You thought for a second, then walked away silently, making sure they couldn't see or hear you. Soon enough, you reached the end of the hall and turned a corner to see the crowd, then crossed your arms and leaned back to the wall again, waiting patiently.
Couple of minutes later, you saw Bjorn leaving the hall and Hvitserk turned the corner before he made his way to the table to get himself a cup of drink. You rocked back and forth on your heels before you made your way to him, then touched his arm.
He turned around, his frown disappearing almost immediately.
"Y/N," he said, "Hello."
"Hello," You smiled at him, "How are you?"
He shook his head slightly before sipping his drink, "Not great, you?"
"Um- I heard you and Bjorn."
His hand froze in the air and his eyes widened as he stared at you,
"What?"
You shrugged slightly, "Yes, I was actually walking in-"
"What have you heard?" Hvitserk cut you off for the first time and you shrugged again,
"Is it because she's a servant?"
Hvitserk blinked a couple of times, "What?"
"You were talking about a lady, it's your lover, is it not? Bjorn doesn't approve because she's a servant?"
He let out a breath, then cleared his throat, as if he was trying to focus, "Uh...yes. Yes- he doesn't approve."
"Do you want me to talk to him?"
"To Bjorn? No-" he shook his head fervently, "No, I can handle him."
"Really? Because one of my ladies in waiting, she ran off with a stable boy and everyone kept saying it was such a foolish thing, but I heard they were really happy."
Hvitserk stared at you with a small smile on his face, "Is that right?"
"I think all that matters is your feelings, not anybody's social status. We can't choose our birth after all, I'd be a shieldmaiden if we could."
That seemed to make him chuckle, "A shieldmaiden? You?"
"Why does everyone sound so surprised?" You asked as both of you started walking to the map room, and the guards opened the door for you, "I was telling Ivar the same thing, I would be a great shieldmaiden were I born in Kattegat."
"I probably gave the same reaction, Hvitserk," Ivar said as you took your seat beside him, and looked around,
"Where's Ubbe?"
"He will be here in a moment," Bjorn said as Hvitserk sat down as well and you cleared your throat, sitting up straighter.
"I checked the list of incomes and I have some ideas, can we talk about them later on?" You asked Ivar who turned his head to look at you,
"Already?"
"Yes, I think we can actually make it not very-" you started but somebody knocked on the door and opened it.
"My queen, there's a letter for you."
"What?" You asked as she approached you to put the letter on the table, and you thought your blood froze in your veins.
Your family crest.
The room fell silent and you stared at the letter, then grabbed Gala's hand to pull her towards the window to inspect it.
"My queen?"
"Gala, you can't touch any letter coming from my family, you don't know what they dipped it in!" You said as you pulled back, seeing no sign of poison on her skin.
"What-"
"You're alright, don't worry." The relief hit you so hard that you felt your head spin "Oh I need to sit down, I just..." You waved a hand in the air, and supported yourself by holding onto the table and Ivar frowned.
"Your people poison letters?"
You nodded slowly, still pressing a hand on your chest and Hvitserk took a look at the letter,
"Will you not open it?"
"My brother would never write me unless something bad happened," You mumbled, your heart beating in your ears but then you reached out to break the wax seal, then pulled the paper out of the envelope, your eyes skimming the lines to find any kind of code, but there was none.
Only then, you could focus on what the letter was saying.
The beginning was exactly what you would expect him to write, starting with Dear sister, and being condescending in the first paragraph, then talking about Rowan, how sad he was to hear the news, some news about the battle and-
He was coming to Kattegat.
"...I need some fresh air, excuse me." You managed to say and put the letter on the table before you made your way out of the room. You walked through the Great Hall and stepped outside, the cold weather hitting your skin making you hold your breath for only a moment.
Your brother was coming to Kattegat.
You could feel the anger boiling in the pit of your stomach but that was tainted by the fear running through your veins. You didn't know why, you just knew you did not want to see him again, not unless you had to.
He would look down on everything in Kattegat. The people, their traditions...
Your traditions.
You could feel the burning in your eyes but you kept your gaze on the people of Kattegat, deep in thought before the sound of Ivar's crutches pulled you out of your thoughts and he entered your sight, then turned around to lean back to the wooden railings.
"I will probably kill him, if that makes you feel better."
A nervous laugh you couldn't stop escaped from your lips and you turned your head to see him better as you wiped at your eyes quickly.
"I appreciate the sentiment," You said silently and Ivar shrugged, as if it wasn't a big issue.
"I mean he had it coming."
"Ivar..."
"Why are you distressed?"
You bit down on your bottom lip hard enough to hurt, then took a shaky breath.
"I don't want him here."
"But why not?"
To that, you had no answer to. You only knew that this feeling of weakness and fear was way too familiar, and just when you thought it was gone-
It was back. That sense of dread was back.
"He is very condescending, with everyone and everything," you said, "And he has always managed to make me feel bad, since we were children."
A shadow crossed Ivar's eyes, as if the feeling was familiar to him as well.
"No one will make you feel bad," his voice was way too low and you gritted your teeth.
"I do not want him to- to belittle anything here. I love it here, and I don't- he cannot judge anything, he does not have the right to- to judge anything here, my people included and if he even dares to try-"
"Your people?"
You hesitated, "Our people." You mumbled and he tilted his head, a look of pride crossing his eyes.
"He will not do anything you do not want him to, Y/N."
A silence fell upon you for only a moment as you clenched your jaw.
"That's very brave of him, is it not?" You mused out loud, crossing your arms, "Thinking that he can just come here as he wishes."
"It's foolish, not brave."
You nodded, deep in thought, "I'm certain he expects to find me as he remembers."
Ivar scoffed, "That is not happening," he commented, "You have been growing feral since you stepped a foot in Kattegat, little shark."
Your narrowed your eyes slightly, and for some reason a small smile pulled at your lips upon hearing that.
"Well perhaps we should show him then." You asked, making a smirk flash over his lips.
"And that is what you want?"
It took you only a moment to decide whether it really was or not before you realized you had known the answer to that all along.
Ever since you had stepped a foot in Kattegat.
"Deeply." You said as you reached up to fix the crown on top of your head, "That's what my heart desires."