*PHOEBE'S POV*
Sleeping is always something I struggled with, but never like this.
It's been an hour since I left the bar, Harry never came running after me, which I wasn't complaining about then, but I'm complaining about it now. I shouldn't have even tried to sleep, because I know I can't if he's not in my presence.
It's like all the trauma made me go sleepless then, so it wants me to suffer now.
I don't even know what it is, but I don't think I want to anyway. Could it be my mom? That I abandoned her?
She did it first. Well technically, my dad did it first. But, I forgive him because he still tries. He still wants contact with us, he still wants to be in our lives.
And the good thing is, I want to be in his too.
With that thought on my mind, I can't sleep. It's like I'm drowning, and there's no way to get out until that specific person comes to help. In my case, it's Harry.
Music has always been an escape. Maybe it can help me right now, help this feeling of drowning turn to floating. Making it out of the water.
I unwrapped the blanket on Harry's bed off of my body, getting up slowly because of the dizziness the alcohol cost me. I walked over slowly to the electric guitar that I brought with me, it's my baby. I plug the cord into the end, allowing all of the sound to come out of the loud speakers. No one's home, I'll play as loud as I want.
Deciding to play random shit, I start off with the C chord, moving to Dm, then to F. I like this progression, now I just need to speak my mind. Now I need to let the trauma shine in.
"Throw me in the deep end, I'm ready now to swim... The air in my lungs may not last very long but I'm in." I start off, singing out softly, still strumming those three chords accordingly.
"I see you on the weekend... Dancing like a star." Harry and I used to hang out every weekend when we were little, we'd have dance parties and sing together. My heart hurt. "You've practiced your lines to convince us you're fine, but I know, that's not where you are." I put everyone's problems before my own, I convince everyone I'm fine, and later everyone convinces me to shove my problems down their throats.
"Once in a blue moon, you may come undone... We're made up of the same blood." H and I are practically blood, just in a different way. But I'm glad we aren't at the same time. "I'll be your medicine if you let me, give you reason to get out of bed."
Harry is my medicine. And I wish I could take it.
"Sister I'm trying to hold off the lighting, and help you escape from your head..." The first thing I need is help to escape my own head, my own thoughts. I wish I wasn't so stubborn or even helpless.
I sang the rest of the song out loud, letting random lyrics slip from my mouth to perform my own song. I'm proud of it, but the stories behind the lyrics aren't the happiest.
That's alright, I'm not happy either.
I don't know why this wave of sadness came over me in the past week, being here in Jamaica was supposed to heal that patch. Depressive episodes come and go, and I was hoping they wouldn't come here.
That was wishful thinking, mindless dreaming.
It's now 4am, I haven't been able to sleep, and Harry never came home. It's been 6 hours, and no text. No calls. No nothing.
I decided to come down to the couch and watch Tangled, Pascal was calling my name at 4am.
I'm hoping that it was him giving me space, and not him doing something stupid or hurting himself in any way. I feel silly wanting to call him, especially since I'm the one who stormed out and completely shut him out.
But, he was drunk. And I don't want to believe what he said until he admits it while sober. I can't trust anyone when they're drunk, all thanks to mommy dearest.
At this point I don't care, I want to sleep, and I know I want to see him. That works perfectly cause I can't sleep without him.
Goddamnit I can't do anything without him, and it's infuriating sometimes. I want to be independent at times, I want to be able to do things myself, fuck. I'm pressing the call button.
But before I can do that, he walks through the front door, head hung low. Did he not get any sleep as well? It sure looks like it. My face turns up right away, looking as he sets his jacket on the hanger, looking into my eyes to find me on the couch, eyes wide open.
"Hi." I spoke out quietly, he made his way over to the couch where I sat.
"Hi." He replied as he gestured for me to stand up. I followed, and he immediately wrapped his arms around me in a bear hug. I felt him bury his head into my neck, choking out a few silent sobs. I instantly put my hand up to his neck, scratching the little hairs that laid there.
"Hey... What's wrong?" I brought his face out from my neck, wiping his little tears as he decided whether to tell me or not.
"I'm s-sorry for d-doing that at the b-bar." He tried to speak through his sniffles, causing me to pout my lips at him because I felt bad now for storming out.
"H, it's my fault. All my fault." I take his face in my hands, cradling them as if he's in his most fragile state, about to completely shatter.
"No, it's not. I went too far, said the right things at the wrong time. I-I'm so sorry." He looked me in the eyes, examining my tired ones. "You haven't slept, have you?"
"Jackpot, curly." I laughed it off, but I guess he didn't find it funny, because he just stood there.
"Why didn't you sleep?" He asked seriously, holding onto my face now.
"You know I can't sleep without you." I whispered, almost to an extent where he couldn't hear, which immediately made him hug me again. "Where's everyone else?"
"They all got a hotel for the night because Mitch decided he wanted to get hammered. We all took a cab to a hotel, I tried to give you space and go to sleep, but that resulted in me crying in the shower for an hour." He explained as he took my hand, leading me upstairs to his bedroom. "I let them all sleep, and I figured I'd come back here and see what you were doing."
"Yeah, I tried to sleep but I couldn't, so I wrote a cool song out of it. Tried to sleep again but it didn't work, so I watched Tangled." I explained back to him, climbing into his bed, making myself comfortable as he changed out of his drunken clothes, only leaving his boxers on.
"Come here, P..." He whispered, hopping into bed, opening up his arm to cuddle me to his chest.
At this moment, nothing else matters. When I'm tangled in his arms, nothing can stop me from leaving. He's my bad habit.
"I feel like we should-"
"No, we can talk more tomorrow... Let's get some sleep, angel..." He let his free hand twist itself into my hair, scratching it, knowing this is how I love to fall asleep.
I let out a long breath, feeling like I can finally breathe again. Like I'm not drowning, like my lungs are free of water and filled with the feeling of him.
"I love you so much." I whispered before falling into the comfortable word of sleep. It's only comfortable when I'm with him.
"I love you more, P." He whispered back, closing his eyes as I traced a heart over his chest before completely falling into slumber.
I don't even wanna fall into tomorrow, the thought of talking about earlier tonight makes me wanna scream myself into oblivion.
Waking up without Harry freaked me out at first, but then he came up with a big ass breakfast tray with an assortment of different foods. As we're sitting here eating, all I can think about is how normal he's acting. He's sitting there like nothing happened, and all I can do is fidget with myself because that's the only topic on my mind.
I also think he could just be nervous, the same as I am. He was drunk, he had some control over himself but he let a different part of him take over.
And I can't lie, I liked it.
But it was wrong, I can't believe anything he said or did till he proves it while being sober. I can't let myself believe that he actually wants me, because nobody does.
Heartbreak after heartbreak, I need to realize that maybe I need to be independent, even though Harry's been here with me through it all. My heart needs a break, but not when it comes to him.
"C'mon, let's go for a drive. Get ready while I clean up." He spoke sternly but with a smile, causing me to get up straight away, heading to my own room where I have my clothes.
I know I'm just going with Harry, but I still wanna look presentable, not that I just shoved 5 pieces of bacon down my throat after not eating much. I'm actually stomaching things today.
I'm proud of myself.
I'm proud of myself until I allow it to happen again, and my spiral goes down again.
Picking out my outfit, I picked a simple grey knitted sweater, a plain pair of mom jeans, along with my Doc Martens once more. I brushed out my hair, leaving my mild curls just the way they are, heading downstairs to meet Harry who stood in the kitchen.
"I'm ready, where are we going?" I asked curiously, inching closer to him as he finished the dishes, heading to put his phone is his pocket, leading me out of the front door.
"Nowhere, just gonna go on a drive." He grinned simply, guiding me to his car per usual. Maybe he thought it'd be easier to talk here instead of the house?
Car rides are my favorite things in the world, he knows that. If I could be in a car for the rest of my life, I'd do it. You can blast music from the stereo, eat your favorite snacks, see sights you never thought you'd ever see. It's amazingly calming, it's where I feel most comfortable in life.
I also lived in a car for awhile, well not lived. I got left in a car for days, I was only about 5. It's surprising to this day that I remember something like that at such a young age...
That's what led Spencer and I to get adopted.
Our birth parents were junkies, didn't care about anyone or anything besides drugs and it's best friend, dear old alcohol.
It's more embarrassing than it is to be hurt by it, why did Spencer and I have to get unlucky with these kinds of parents?
"You alright, Phibs?" He shocked me with the old nickname, earning the loudest laugh I've had in a long time, catching my breath to calm myself down.
"You're still stuck on that nickname from 2nd grade?" I nagged, laughing back at him as he started the car.
"Your name was hard to pronounce in 2nd grade! Give me a break." He smiled back, gazing at me quickly before pretending like he didn't just drive me crazy.
"Absolutely not." I finally calmed down, connecting my phone to the Bluetooth in his car, playing him a surprise.
*PLAY SONG NOW*
"What's this?" He asked as my guitar chords started to play, reverbed to how I liked them. I spent two hours on producing last night, I don't know why to be honest. I'm not putting it out or anything, but I just figured it was a nice thing to do for myself in case I ever wanted to.
"Just listen. Drive and listen." I choked out, scared to show him my work even though he's the only one who's ever heard any of my songs.
"Throw me in the deep end... I'm ready now to swim." I heard my voice start off, which Harry immediately recognized because he had to take a double take. I saw his eyes get wide, tuning into my own music.
"The air in my lungs may not last very long, but I'm in. I see you on the weekend... dancing like a star." Referring that line to H, I know he knew that, because his smile instantly shined brighter than the sun in the sky ever could.
"You've practiced your lines to convince us you're fine, but I know, that's not where you are." But his smile instantly faded, hearing that lyric, knowing I'm not fine and I have never been fully happy.
I guess that's where mommy issues will get you.
"Once in a blue moon you may come undone... We're made of the same blood." I look to my side, seeing H's eyes glued to the rode, but they're definitely glossed over. "I'll be your medicine if you let me, give you reason to get out of bed." I wrote that line based on how I think H would think in his point of view to me, helping me but I don't let him.
"Sister, I'm trying to hold off the lightning, and help you escape from your head." He'll forever be my escape from my own head, which is sad because even when I'm mad at him, I need him in my arms.
"Come and waste the day, watching a super 8 video tape... We were kids in a car having light hearted arguments, we don't know what's dead till it's gone." I watched the tears come out of his eyes, strolling down his emotionless expression.
"Just hear me out, and you might understand... We're made up of the same blood." I wish it was easy enough to tell him how I really feel, but my head is telling me not to. That he actually hates me, and he'd never want me.
The chorus repeated itself as we kept driving along the Jamaica coast, looking at all the sights across the whole town we were in.
"Throw me in the deep end... I'm ready now to swim." I ended the song with just my vocal, no guitar, nothing. I could hear Harry exhale a deep breath, finally looking over at each other, noticing Harry parked the car on some random sidewalk, eyes teary, mouth quivering.
"P... Holy fuck. What... what was that?" He stumbled over his words, grabbing my hand as he usually does. I didn't even realize that I myself was crying, and he was quick to wipe my tears like I do his.
"I made it last night... when I couldn't sleep. About you." I confessed in a whisper, licking my lips to distract myself from crying about how much I love this man. And I'll never be able to tell him in that way.
"Me?" He asked genuinely, but he can't be serious... Is he? Why wouldn't I write a million songs about him? He's so beautiful and full of things to write about.
"You."
***
Song: Deep End - Holly Humberstone.
Okay so this chapter didn't turn out how I wanted it to but I'm just gonna keep it and get to the actual convo we're all waiting for next chapter...
I love y'all.