TW: Panic attack, and Levi does a shitty job of helping. Go figure.
Some horses veer off, heading in different directions but remaining in small packs. Levi stays behind Erwin, with Hange on your right and Mike on your left. That's good- people you know. Some of the Corps had given you weird looks when you hopped up on Levi's horse, so it's comforting being around people who know your exact situation.
You ride for maybe half an hour before you hear a shout. "Titan in the east!" Hange shouts, and you look up. There's some sort of creature that looks vaguely human lumbering towards you, its arms swinging awkwardly. It's walking like its ankles are both broken, and it's swinging a mop of black hair side to side as it jogs.
"What the..." you trail off, eyes wide. That's a titan?
"It's too close!" Hange calls. "Must be an abnormal!"
"Zach's squad has it handled!" Erwin calls, and you tighten your grip slightly around Levi. You watch, fascinated, as two people swoop up between the buildings. The titan bats at one, but the figure ducks. The second spec heads for the nape, and you can barely make out the spray of blood. The titan falls.
"Wow," you murmur.
Levi leans backwards slightly. "Remember to-"
"Tell you if I remember anything," you interrupt. "I know." You lower your voice. "And if nothing happens, I'll just make something up so this whole mission thing doesn't feel useless."
"Idiot."
The horses ride on, cantering over the plains. You're wracking your brain for memories- riding a horse, slaying titans- but nothing comes up. You purse your lips. Maybe this is a good thing. From the sounds of it, these memories might be better off not coming back.
Red flares start popping up ahead of you. That should mean titans ahead. Erwin pulls out a flare gun and shoots a green flare off to the left, and Levi slowly leans his horse left. The group rides on for another half hour, but you don't run into any titans. This was the strategy Erwin had talked about; avoiding rather than engaging unless necessary.
Another half hour in silence goes by, the wind messing up your hair beyond quick repair, but a giant forest eventually appears over the hill. "Is that where we're going?" you ask Levi.
He nods in reply. "Hold on tight."
"Why?"
"We're going up into the trees."
"I can do it," you say, thinking of the gear Erwin gave you.
Levi's tone is sharp and leaves no room for discussion. "That's a last resort option and you're only to use it in case of emergencies. It'd be suicide to be out here without it. You don't have practice and counting on suppressed memories doesn't count as experience."
You frown. "But I can-"
"No. Non-negotiable."
You purse your lips so that you don't say anything else. It's frustrating, but you can't push your luck.
Levi starts speaking again, but he's a bit quieter and less sharp than before. "The last thing we need right now is you getting injured trying to use gear. Remember what the deal was. You obey everything Erwin and I tell you to, no hesitation."
"Fine," you grumble, shifting your grip around his waist. "Sorry."
You enter the trees behind another group. You keep your eyes up, looking up at the high branches. "This is perfect for you guys," you murmur, thinking about the Survey Corps flying around with their gear. "Plenty of trees for hooks and high branches."
"You better not be afraid of heights," Levi warns.
"I guess I'll find out," you mutter.
You pass some members from the front squad dealing with a titan that was wandering through the trees. A short one- maybe three or four meters- and with all of the trees for protection and maneuvering, they defeat it easily. The final kill looks so... so graceful.
Finally, the horses make way into a clearing. Erwin calls out orders to the groups in front, and the Survey Corps begin tying off their horses and heading up into the trees. They all spread out, heading off in pairs in various directions. They're surveying the area. It's well organized and it just makes you want to become a scout even more.
You swing yourself off the horse and Levi hops down off the other side, takes the horse's reins and tying him off with the rest of them. You glare up at the tree above you, the grappling hooks on your hips suddenly extra heavy. You could probably-
"No. Don't even think about it."
"I was just thinking about it," you say with a scowl, crossing your arms. "I wasn't going to do it."
Levi raises an eyebrow at you like he doesn't believe you, then glances back at Erwin. Erwin, still giving orders to the last Survey Corps that are joining them in the forest, nods. Levi turns back to you. "Hold on."
"Hold on how?" you say, suddenly nervous for the proximity. Being on a horse with your arms around his waist had been daunting but manageable. Now?...
"Tight," is his response. "On my back."
You move behind him, and instead of grabbing around his waist, you hook your arms around his shoulders. As soon as you've got a grip, Levi shoots up with no warning, and you cry out in surprise. "Holy shit!" you exclaim as he shoots through the air, sailing clear over one branch and through the trees. Your grip tightens involuntarily. "Oh, holy shit!"
Levi lands on a thick branch, coming to an abrupt stop, and you nearly stumble. "You're going to choke me out," he complains, glaring at you.
"A bit of a warning would be great," you snap back, carefully extracting your arms from him and stepping out onto the branch. Levi's flown a bit away from the rest of the corps, although you can still see Erwin clearly- yep, he's watching you. Great. You look down and are surprised that you don't immediately stagger. You're pretty high up, but the branch is so thick you could lay down on it and you'd be in no danger of falling. "Huh," you say.
"No fear of heights, then," Levi says.
You frown. "You knew that, though. Didn't you?"
He doesn't reply- as per usual. You sigh to yourself, looking through the trees. You sort of like being high up. It makes you feel separated from the world. Your gaze drifts and you squint at the vast forest in front of you. Is that something coming towards you? "Titan?" you ask.
Levi follows your gaze. There's a titan not as big as the first one you saw but bigger than the other one you saw in the forest. "Yeah," he says with a small sigh. "I got it."
"Permission to use my gear if you're getting eaten?" you say sarcastically.
He shoots you a glare. "No."
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"You and Erwin are ridiculous," you say with a scowl, crossing your arms. "What if I fall?"
"You won't," Levi says sharply, his eyebrows furrowing. You're wondering if he's saying that for reassurance or if he just knows you won't fall- maybe you've got impeccable balance?- when he adds, "I won't let you."
You're half tempted to just jump off the branch and make him follow through with that. "Fine," you mutter. "Go kill your stupid titan."
"I was going to until you started yammering," Levi says, eyeing the titan.
You snort. "I'm not stopping you. Don't make me kill it myself."
Levi shoots you a withering glare (which you pointedly ignore) and casually steps off of the branch, letting himself fall. You watch him, studying his mannerisms as he shoots one of his hooks into the trunk of the tree you're standing and swings to the trunk, standing sideways.
The titan, which has been slowly lumbering in your general direction, starts jogging towards Levi. God, these things look so weird when they run. You're wondering what Levi's plan is until he rockets upward right as the titan lunges. Your eyes go from low to high as you follow Levi's movements- he's up above you now. He flies to the tree across from you, presumably to get an easy strike at the nape.
You look down again. Would the titan spin to follow Levi? What would he do then? Despite the Survey Corps being so dangerous and titan killing being one of the easiest ways to get yourself killed, you're not worried for Levi. Your gaze fixes on the titan below you.
It's not looking at Levi. It's stopped and has its head tilted back, beady black eyes fixed on you. You look down curiously, wondering why it's so interested in you.
Even when Levi swoops in, it never keeps its eyes off of you. How weird. It feels like it's looking into your soul...
A blurry memory strikes you.
It's smiling up at you, wide dark eyes boring into your soul. Ah. So it's going to drop you into its mouth, then.
Your brain screams like something just exploded in your head. You cry out, bringing your hands up to your forehead, which feels like someone is trying to split it open with a hammer. Your eyes squeeze shut, but all you can see is a titan staring up at you, its jaw open- you're in its hand-
You sink down on the branch, somewhat conscious of the space around you, and use the trunk to sit yourself down. You press your back into the wood and curl your knees up to your chest, pressing your fingers into your head. It hurts, oh god, it hurts like hell. Tears are gathering in your eyes and the ringing in your head is so loud that you scrape your nails at your scalp in a feeble attempt to get rid of it.
"Hey!"
There's a sharp sting against your cheek and your eyes shoot open in surprise.
"Idiot, calm down," someone says, and you feel a hand seize the front of your cloak. You desperately blink the tears out of your eyes, trying to refocus. "You're fine," the voice says plainly, and as your vision clears, you realize it's Levi. "Breathe."
Easier said than done. Admittedly, your migraine is subsiding, so you try to force some air into your lungs. Looking down shows a dead titan, the smoke from its corpse billowing up into the trees. Looking up shows Levi, his hand tangled in the front of your cloak. He's crouched in front of you, eyeing you warily.
The ringing dies down, and as it does, your eyes widen. Did he slap you?
He must see the anger in your eyes because he says, "you were hyperventilating. Calm down and tell me what you remember."
You're still a bit miffed that his method of pulling you away from a panic attack was to hit you, but you bite your lip and inhale slowly, trying to relax. You think back to the titan below the tree and how close it was, then the flash of what you assume is a memory... wait.
Something clicks in your head, and your jaw drops. "You did that on purpose!" you snap, and in frustration, you whip a hand out and smack Levi across the cheek.
His head doesn't even budge. Levi blinks, surprised but not hurt, and he lets go of your cloak. "What?"
"You- You let that titan get close on purpose," you stammer, trying to put your thoughts together. "Because you- you knew it would trigger something! You could've killed that earlier but you let it get close so that I could- so that I could see it from that angle..."
"I didn't know," he says calmly.
"But you guessed, asshole," you retort, using the tree trunk to push yourself to your feet. Levi stands up with you, taking a step back. "So you- if you knew that would trigger something, then you were- you were there! You could've told me instead of dragged a titan under the tree and then-"
"I thought you wanted to remember things yourself," Levi snaps.
You bite your tongue, hating him for throwing your argument back in your face but having nowhere to go from there. You deflate, letting your shoulders relax. "Hange said I was in a titan's hand. I was going to get eaten, wasn't I?" you say dully, glancing down at the corpse. "Did you save me?"
You can feel Levi staring at you but you refuse to look up. "Not entirely," he mutters.
Not entirely. "That's where I got injured, then?" you reply bitterly.
"I chopped its wrist off and you fell. You hit your head off of a fucking rock," Levi snaps angrily, nearly making you flinch from the sudden ferocity in his tone, "and it took your eye along with it. I didn't-" he stops himself, swallowing hard. "I had to save two people. I had to hope you'd be okay from the drop so I could have a chance to save the other one."
He's apologizing, in a weird sort of way. Why he couldn't have found a better way to save you.
"There's no excuse," he adds, and it's abundantly clear in that moment that he blames himself for your accident. "I've chosen not to regret my decisions."
So maybe he doesn't blame himself, exactly, but he knows he's at fault. Apparently you'll never know what's going on in Levi's head. "Did you save them?" you ask quietly.
"Who?"
"The other one."
"No."
"Oh." You pause, scrunching your eyes shut. You're trying to recall that memory, figure out what happened to you, when a name that Levi told you ages ago pops into your head. "Farlan."
Levi's head snaps up so fast that he looks like he got whiplash. "What?"
"That's who it was," you continue quietly. "Right?"
"You remember him?" he pushes.
You're about to object that no, you don't- why would you- when you realize you do. It was one of the first two names Levi mentioned to you. It meant nothing to you a minute ago, but now you can picture a face. Soft brown hair, a clever smile that made it look like he knew what you were thinking.
Your jaw slips open, and you stare dumbly at Levi. He waits, eyebrows raised in anticipation. "I..." you trail off.
Another flash of something- maybe a memory- hits you, and it's jarring. You can feel a chill down your spine- you're standing in the rain, boots in the mud, blade drawn, side by side with this man that you didn't remember until a few seconds ago. Being picked up by a strong hand, being trapped-
Another sharp pang in your head.
He smiles. "I love you too!" Farlan calls.
"No," you moan, pressing your hands to your forehead as the memory leaves as quickly as it came. Levi's by your side in an instant, a hand clenched tight around your elbow so that you don't topple off the tree branch. "No, no!" You curse under your breath, trying to remember as much as you can.
"Oi. Talk to me," Levi snaps, tugging you.
You stumble, and his hand grabs your other elbow, balancing you. "He said I love you too," you mutter.
He reels back like he's been slapped. "What?"
"His last words," you clarify, and Levi's shoulders sag. "I think."
He's strangely silent, but he's biting his lip and looks like he's bursting with questions. "Everything," Levi demands simply. "Now."
So you try to put it all into words. "We were standing in the- in the rain?" you say questionably, meeting Levi's eyes. You drop your gaze almost immediately when you realize how intensely he's looking at you. "Mud. We were side by side, I think, and we were facing a... facing a titan, but it... something grabbed me," you say, gathering more confidence in what you know. "Something grabbed me and I think... I think I told him I loved him because I wanted to..."
Why? Why would you say something like that? Were you in love with him? Shouldn't you feel a stronger connection if you were? "I wanted to go out on a good note or something," you say lamely. "I think. And then he said he loved me too, and... and that's all I remember."
Levi is so rigid that he looks like a stone statue. "You were in love with him?" he says.
You shrug weakly. "I- I don't know. I don't think so? Probably not. He's- he's gone now though, so I guess it doesn't matter."
He doesn't reply. Instead, he orders you to stay where you are and he swoops away to meet up with another squad leader. There's no titans here, and although Levi never comes back to your branch, he's always got an eye on you. Eventually, you sit yourself down and study the area. One day you'll be allowed to zip around like the rest of the scouts. One day.
After maybe twenty minutes of inaction, there's a two quick flare gun rounds: the signal to reconvene. Levi finally rejoins you where you are, refusing to make eye contact the entire time, and the two of you descend in silence. The entire ride back is dead silent, and you spend the time trying to gather your thoughts and try to put shards of memory into place.
When you fall asleep that night, you dream of Isabel and Farlan.