XXIV
wish
"Club naman tayo. Stress na 'ko sa school works." Bungad ng text ni Linn nang sumunod na Biyernes.
Weekend naman na at mukhang stressed na talaga siya kaya pumayag ako. I also felt like I could use some unwinding.
It's been days since that night with Stav, but I still couldn't stop feeling a bit guilty and regretful. I felt like I have been too harsh pushing him away like that. But that's too ironic because isn't that's what I've always wanted? To push him away? To express how much I hated him?
Napabuntong hininga ako at pinagpatuloy na lang ang pagpipinta sa tinatapos kong obra.
When I ordered lunch later that day, I found another enevelope in my doorstep. Gaya ng nakasanayan, agad ko iyong binuksan.
Tinungo ko ang kwarto ko upang isabit ang natanggap na litrato sa polaroid wall. Ngunit hindi ko iyon agad nagawa sa pagkamangha sa litrato. It was a photo of a pressed-sunflower necklace. I eyed it for a long time. It was beautiful.
A distant part of my heart clenched for reasons I didn't know. There was something magical about the photo. The golden chain of the necklace and the pressed sunflower inside it looked sadly beautiful.
How could I feel so sad for a photo I have no recollection of? I spent a few more minutes looking at it, hoping it would spark something.
When nothing happened, I hang it next to the row of polaroids. Nagpatuloy ang araw ko hanggang sa dumating na ang Sabado.
"What? He begged on your doorstep?" Halos lumuwa ang mga mata ni Linn nang ikwento ko ang huling pagkikita namin ni Stav.
Humilig ako sa bar counter at sumimsim sa kalalapag lang na cocktail. Linn, on the other hand, could not keep her eyes and ears off me. Kung sa bagay, ngayon lang ulit kami nagkasama at nagkausap ng ganito. The bitch's studying in Ateneo but goes home every day in Manila.
"Ang O.A. naman ng beg, pumunta lang siya sa studio."
"But that's almost like that. I mean, you told me about Zach's warning, na may kinalaman ang pamilya ni Stav sa pagkaasidente mo. I get that you're mad at Stav for not telling you about it but I didn't think you'd push him away like that."
"What? Gano'n ba katanga ang tingin mo sa'kin na hindi ko kayang magalit sa kaniya?" My forehead creased, half-offended.
"No, Lia. You are very smart! You'll give him the benefit of the doubt!" Panay sigaw nito dahil sa ingay ng musika sa club.
"I gave him so much benefit of the doubt.."
"But what if he didn't tell you because he's afraid you'll judge him and you'll do this? You'll push him away before you could even hear his side. Maybe he has his reasons and you didn't even listen."
"But he lied to me, Linn. He had all the time to tell me. He knew so well I was trying hard to remember my past and he didn't tell me a single thing. That's because he knew what his family probably did!"
"God, Lia. I don't think his family's capable of doing that. And do you really think that badly of Stav? To the point that he could lie for his family's crime?"
"Well, maybe! It's his family." I mocked sardonically. Linn remained unconvinced.
"Maybe that's what you have to find out. It's either his family's innocent or he's lying for his family." She remarked slyly.
"How could I possibly know that?"
"Get on his pants," Linn smirked.
"Alam mo? 'Di na ako dapat nag-expect ng matinong idea sa'yo."
Humalakhak si Linn bago ako hinila sa dance floor.
We found ourselves in the crowd underneath the blinding strobe lights and defeaning EDM. Some guy, fairly-tanned approached me and began to dance with me. He sounded French when he spoke, and he looked like one of those male models in my agency.
It was too crowded that his body bumped with mine as he moved with the music. I didn't mind until he held my waist and was almost initiating to grind on my hips.
Nawalan ako ng gana at iniwan ang dancefloor. Pumunta ako sa isang sulok ng bar, sumandal sa poste roon at pinanood ang mga nagsasayawan. Panay ang inom ko sa cocktail drink habang nakatanga lang roon.
Nagawi ang paningin ko sa ikalawang palapag ng lugar. Naningkit ang mga mata ko nang mapansin ang mga pamilyar na bulto roon. I confirmed my mind wasn't tricking me when I clearly saw Stav and Lyon there.
Seryosong nag-uusap ang dalawa. Aakyat sana ako at lalapitan ang mga iyon ngunit muli nang dumating si Linn.
"Linn, nandito pala sila Stav." I told her when we were back in the cocktail table.
"Ah oo, madalas si Lyon dito. Baka pinuntahan ni Stav."
The latter could barely keep up because she was all to sweaty from dancing. Our night progressed on Linn spending so much time on the dancefloor while I drunk too much cocktail.
Tahimik akong umiinom roon nang mamalayan ang pagkakagulo ng paligid. It was suddenly chaotic and a lot of people were rushing outside. May narinig akong nagsabi na may nag-away raw sa may parking.
I heard it was a grave fight that some of the guys were severely injured. Iyon ang dahilan kaya nakikiososyo ang iba at gusto na ring tumingin roon.
"Linn, what happened?" Sinalubong ko si Linn sa gitna ng maliit na komosyon.
"Some stupid guys fought. Nagsimula raw iyon sa VIP area dyan sa taas tapos pinalabas ng mga bouncer. Pero hanggang sa parking, pinagpatuloy pa pala nila."
Umahon ang masamang kutob sa dibdib ko.
"Tingin mo kasama sina Stav at Lyon?"
Nilingon ako ni Linn. Magkasabay na gumuhit ang pag-aalala namin. Hinawakan ako nito at mabilis kaming lumabas ng bar. There was a small circle of people in the second parking no matter how much the bouncers try to clear them off.
Sinalubong kami ng sirena ng police car at ambulansya. Isang lalaking iika ika sa labis na pagkabugbog ang inalalayan ng mga paramedic patungo roon. I glanced around, and to my horror, I found Lyon being questioned by one of the officers.
"Lyon!" I held my mouth.
"Fuck." Linn cussed in disbelief.
Nawala na ako sa tamang huwisyo at akmang lalapitan ito ngunit hinarang ako ng bouncer.
"Miss, hindi ko ho kayo pwedeng lumapit rito. Pumasok na ho kayo." The bouncer politely pushed me and Linn backward.
"But I know him." I insisted and I immediately caught heads turning at me.
Ilang beses ko pa iyong pinilit nang sa wakas ay pinakinggan rin nila ako at sinamahan sa paglapit roon. Lyon was astounded when he saw me. Gaya niya, labis rin ang pagkabigla ko nang matanaw ang bugbog sarado niyang mukha.
His eyes were swollen purple, his lips were bleeding from the open wound. The same with his knuckles, his arm, and his jaw, everything looked severly injured.
"What happened?" I barely managed to croak out.
I started too look around for Stav. This must be his fault. Lyon would never get into a fight like this.
"It was a small fight."
Naistorbo kami ng police officer at inabisuhan si Lyon na tumungo muna sa ospital bago sa presinto. His lawyer neared him too and escorted him towards his car.
"I'll call you, Lia." Nagmamadaling paalam ni Lyon.
Ngunit bago pa ito tuluyang makaalis, naibulalas ko ang patuloy na bumabagabag sa akin.
"Nasaan si Stav?" Agap ko.
Lyon stopped from entering his car to look back at me.
"I don't know."
Nakaalis na ang sasakyan ni Lyon kasunod ng police car ngunit naiwan akong nakatanga roon. Even when the crowd has dispersed back into the bar, I remained frozen. The indescribable worry grew in my chest. My eyes kept searching for him as if he would just appear out of the now vacant parking lot.
"Lia, saan ka pupunta?" Linn called when I absentmindedly ran away.
"I'll call you!"
"Saan ka pupunta? Did you bring a car? Fuck, do you already know how to drive?"
Tuloy tuloy ang sigaw ni Linn habang sinusubukan akong habulin. But I quickly outran her and she gave up.
I did not even know I could ride a bus until I was too clouded with worry, I just ended up getting into one. I was standing inside the huddle of strangers, and I had no time to feel queasy or new to all of it, I just had one thing in my mind. Is he okay?
Every second that was ticking was equivalent to a loud thud in my heartbeat. Strangers' eyes would so often drift at me, perhaps because I looked nothing like a daily commuter but I did not mind any of it. I could not feel anything else except for the weakening fear.
I heard from the police officers and from the bouncers earlier that it was a huge fight. There were about four unknown men who had quickly escaped when the bouncers found them. That was why the police needed to question Lyon for their identity.
Halos kumaripas ako patungo sa Penthouse ni Stav sa The Fort. I rang his doorbell almost a million times in my panic, but no one opened the door. Naghintay pa ako ng sandali sa labas ngunit hindi ako mapanatag.
Nang mapagtantong wala siya sa bahay niya, mabilis akong umalis roon habang tinatawagan siya. Ngunit hindi rin siya sumasagot.
"Kuya Ruben, sa tinutuluyan ko po sa QC." Nagmamadali kong bilin sa driver ni Zeke.
Tinawagan ko pa ito para lang ihatid ako roon. Panay pa rin ang kabog ng dibdib ko sa biyahe hanggang sa wakas ay marating namin ang studio ko.
Tinakbo ko ang hagdan paakyat roon. Padarag kong itinulak ang pintuan sa pag-aakalang naroon siya. But no one welcomed me except Baby G.
Devasted now, I pushed the connecting room's door in the same frantic way. I was panting heavily when I traversed the dark room.
"JM?" Tawag ko kahit halata namang walang tao.
Halos maiyak na ako sa takot. Where could he have possibly gone?
Binuksan ko ang ilaw. Napaatras ako. Muntik na akong bawian ng hininga nang matanaw si Stav na nakahiga sa sofa. He removed his arm over his face and squinted his eyes when the lights hit them.
"Stav!" I gasped at the sight of his bruised body. Fresh wounds decorated his face, his arms and knuckles, and his stomach was stained with blood.
Hindi ko alam ang gagawin at pinanghihinaan ako ng tuhod nang lapitan ito. May parte sa aking napanatag na narito siya ngunit muling nabuhay ang pag-aalala ko nang makita ang kundisyon niya.
"The light, Zhalia. It hurts my eyes." He murmured softly.
Hastily, I turned off the flourescent lights and turned on the desk lamp.
"Stav, you need to be in the hospital." I could barely recognize my voice for it was too quivering.
"I thought you hate me." Stav mumbled, too weak to even speak properly.
I felt a pang of guilt when I realized all the things I said last time.
"That's not important right now!" I hissed.
My worry was beyond words. I was too alarmed, I could not calculate my actions. I wanted to tend to him but too afraid to hurt him too.
"What happened? How did you get into this fight?"
"Not my fault.."
My heart ached when he immediately defended himself.
I know I should be hating him. I should be blaming him, like I always do. He really causes trouble and because of him, Lyon was hurt too. But I felt nothing of those right now. All I could see was his badly beaten up body and how much I pitied it.
"I'll help you. Sandali lang."
I ran to buy all sorts of wound medicine I could purchase in the pharmacy.
"Kuya, how do you treat open wounds a-and bruises?"
Tinawagan ko pa si Zach para humingi ng tulong. Panay ang lakad ko sa madilim na pasilyo habang pinakikinggan ang payo ng Kuya.
"Are you hurt?" Makailang ulit na nitong tanong.
"Hindi nga, Kuya. Iyong kaklase ko lang."
"Umuwi ka na. Just bring her to the--"
Binaba ko na ang tawag at muling pumasok sa silid.
"Hey, I'll treat your wounds." I kneeled to the floor and whispered to Stav.
Inalalayan ko ito sa pag-upo. He groaned and held his stomach as he shifted to a sitting position. I helped him lean on the arm rest and sat beside him.
Quietly, I started cleaning his wounds. I dabbed a cotton ball softly on his forehead. He kept flinching and wincing as I did so, but I tried my best to be as careful as possible.
We were like that for the next minutes. None of us were speaking. He was too weak to do so while I was still too worried to be witty. We were silent in the orange light of the desk lamp, in the small sofa, and in the wide emptiness of the dark living room.
He had his head on the head rest and his eyes were shut when I finished cleaning his wounds. I started putting ointment on them and dressing them. I was wrapping a bandage cautiously around his knuckles when I spoke.
"Who did this to you?"
Inakala kong tulog na ito ngunit agad siyang umimik.
"You don't need to know." Hinahapo niya pa ring sagot.
I clamped my jaw in frustration.
"What will you do? Hindi mo ba ipapupulis ang mga gumawa nito?"
Napahinto ako sa pag-ikot ng bandage nang maramdaman ang pag-angat niya ng ulo. He looked at me despite his swollen eye. I didn't know what was going on in his mind as he watched me blankly. Then after a while, he shook his head.
"I'd rather put to jail the people who ordered them."
"Who ordered them, then?"
He shrugged.
"I don't know."
I watched him sadly. I know he is lying again. Why he would never tell me anything, I could never understand.
Dismayado, muli akong yumuko at tinuon na lang ang pansin sa pagbalot ng gauze sa kaniyang kamay. When there was nothing else to do for all his wounds were tended, I gazed up at him.
I felt a sudden chill when I found his eyes ready for mine--like he had been waiting for me to look at him.
"I saw one of those men, Stav. He was deeply wounded and injured too. Much worse than you. Did you do it?"
"He deserved it." He said coldly.
Umawang ang labi ko't napaatras rito. May kakaibang galit at lamig sa kaniyang mga mata nang sabihin iyon. All of a sudden, he was the same mysterious guy I knew.
Linayuan ko ito at nang matapos ayusin ang mga gamot na ginamit ay nag-akma akong aalis na.
"Aalis ka na?" Aniya nang maramdaman ang pagpihit ko.
Marahan akong tumango. He did too. Ngunit nakatayo na ako nang dumapo ang kamay niya sa palapulsuhan ko. I froze in my tracks.
"Sino'ng maghahatid sa'yo?" He kept asking despite the husky and strained voice.
Napalunok ako.
"Ang driver ni Zeke."
"Kumain ka na ba?"
Hindi ko alam kung para sa'n pa at tinanong niya ngunit umiling ako.
"There's food in the fridge."
I was not starving but I figured he must be. Sumunod na lang ako at baka kailangan niya ng mag-aasikaso ng pagkain niya. Tinungo ko ang ref. Napahinto ako nang matagpuan ang isang cake roon. There was nothing but beers except it so I brought it out.
"Why is there a cake in the fridge?"
Inilapag ko iyon sa kaharap naming coffee table. Tinignan ko ang kahon at napansin ang nakasulat sa greeting card.
"Happy birthday papa Stav. Bukas na tayo magcelebrate. xoxo." -JM n friends.
"It's your birthday?" Nakaawang ang labi ko nang lingunin ito.
Balewala itong tumango. I could not believe him. It's his birthday and he's spending it in this dark room, all beaten up.
"Happy birthday." Alangan kong saad.
"What's my birthday gift?"
"I-I didn't know so--"
"Will you stay as a birthday gift?" He asked weakly.
A knot has formed around my chest for the vulnerability of his question. I shut my eyes and fought the urge to surrender.
"It's a weekend. My brothers will be waiting for me."
He followed it with a weak snicker.
"I'm kidding."
There was silence. I wanted to stay but I can't let myself give in to what I feel right now.
Who knows if he was the cause of that huge fight? Or all along, his family is the culprit of my near death experience? What if right now he's planning my murder too? I know this is too much over thinking. Pero ang mga bagay rin na iyon ang dahilan kung bakit sa tuwing nalalapit na ako sa kaniya'y pinipilit kong lumayo.
In between my hesitance, he urged another question.
"Are you still scared of me?" Mababa ang boses niyang tanong, tila nabasa ang iniisip ko.
"Yes." Amin ko.
Yes, I am scared. But I knew deep in my heart, if he could just give me one reason to trust him, to make me believe he is good despite all the bad things he is, I will stay.
But he avoided my eyes and gave up.
"Okay then. You can leave."
Gusto ko mang umalis ay hindi ko magawa. Sa halip, hinarap ko ang cake sa lamesa. Maybe I will just stay for a little while so he won't be completely alone in his birthday. I searched for a lighter and came back to him.
"You should light it."
His forehead creased but did as told. I watched as the birthday candles glowered bright in the dark.
"Make a wish."
"What are you doing?"
"What?"
"If you're scared of me, Zhalia, you can leave. I don't need a pretentious birthday celebration." May bahid ng sama ng loob ang tono niya.
Tuluyang naupos ang pasensiya ko. I came bursting out the words I had been keeping in since earlier.
"Do you know Lyon was badly hurt too? He was all wounded and I should have accompanied him to the hospital but I can't. Instead, I came looking for you. I came running from one place to another for you."
"And Lyon would never be in that trouble. I knew you were probably the cause of that fight but I can't hate you for it Stav. Instead, I am here, all worried of you."
"What are you trying to say?"
I looked at him as I spoke. The candlight danced in his face. His dark smoldering eyes were perplexed but also hopeful.
"I don't know. I can't understand myself too. But what I want right now is to be with you."
Bumuntong hininga ako at kinalma ang sarili. Labis ang kabog ng dibdib ko. Kung dahil iyon sa galit, o kung ano, hindi ko na alam.
Inangat ko ang cake at linapit sa kaniya.
"Just make a wish, will you?"
He stared at me languidly. Sumasayaw ang ilaw ng kandila sa kaniyang mukha, at sa kumikinang at namumungay na mga mata, tumingin siya sa akin.
"I think my wish just came true."