You had mentioned it a lot of times before. "Did the tables turn?" You kissed me when I came back into bed, I think it was around three am. "You can't stop peeing. Looks like me when we just got into a relationship."
I had laughed. Thought back about those happy, carefree days. "You peed because you were nervous. I just.. really need to."
"Are you alright?" Honestly, I didn't know the answer to that question, but I assured you that I was. You fell back asleep. I watched you, couldn't get to sleep myself. I listened to Benjamin tossing around his bed in his sleep, listened to your breathing pattern. Watched your rosy cheeks. Your chest rising and falling slowly. I played with your hair, while letting my thoughts run freely. Somehow, overthinking at night hits different. It scares you. Terrifies, even. All kind of scenarios run through your head. It was probably blown out of proportion back then, but what else could my mind make up? It needed something to keep me awake.
When your alarm clock went off, I was finally drifting off to sleep. Awoken by the loud ringing, I felt how you kissed me, sleepily got dressed and walked over to Benjamin's room. I heard his high pitched morning voice, groaning, begging to sleep some more. You tickled him. I could tell by the loud laughter leaving his mouth, the grumbling after. I smiled, decided to get out of bed to get some breakfast with the both of you.
"Why aren't you eating, Mamma?" Benjamin had asked. I hadn't noticed my own eating behaviour, but even you had mentioned that I had started to eat less the last couple of months. I felt bloated loads of time, didn't really know the reason, but simply thought I was having too much bad food, instead of healthy. That's what happens when you get a child, especially a boy who loves food a little too much. Oh, and not to forget- a husband.
"I'm full already." I assured him I was okay, kissed his face and sent him off to school with you. I went straight back to bed. My tummy felt uncomfortable. My heart started jumping out of joy, and for a split second, I wondered if I was pregnant. It could explain all of the symptoms- the loss of appetite, the many toilet visits, the strange feeling.
With high hopes, I had gone to the shop, bought some pregnancy tests and went home. During the day, I had taken them and waited for you to get home. Benjamin came home first, I had forgotten I left them in the bathroom, so when he got out, he'd asked why there were 'sticks' all over the bathroom floor in cups with yellow substance.
"Very sorry for you to see that, campione. Oreos and milk?"
"But what is it, Mamma?" Benjamin couldn't hide his curiosity. "Do you have new thermometers, but mamma, I told you I didn't want those that you have to stick up your-"
"Beniamino!" I bursted out into laughter, threw him onto the couch. "Drink your milk."
"But, mamma-"
"I'll tell you later. I promise."
I hadn't had the chance to hold you back from going into the bathroom. "Aurora.." You came out, your eyes had this look that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Weren't you happy that I could possibly be pregnant again? Benjamin was eight, almost nine, I wasn't able to get pregnant after him, but we had always wanted more children.
"What is it, Zev?"
"Did you think you were.."
"Did you see them? What are the results? I wanted to see them with you, amore." I stormed into the bathroom, checked all of the tests. Negative. All of them. I remember sliding down the wall, sitting onto the cold tiles. Staring at the tests. Entangled with my own mind. My own body. Somewhat, confounded. "I don't understand it."
You sat down beside me on the floor, stared at the tests in incomprehension. "You didn't tell me you felt symptoms, or something."
"Because I didn't understand them first. Then, this morning the thought hit me that I could be pregnant. I wanted it to be a surprise." I looked at you. You looked at me. Frown creasing your forehead. Chocolate eyes growing with worry.
"You didn't understand what first?"
I stayed silent.
"Aurora, what?"
"The peeing, Zev." I blurted out, pulled up my knees. "The peeing, the bloating, the uncomfortable feeling in my lower tummy. The loss of appetite. Feeling full quickly."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I thought pregnancy."
You stood up, collected all of the tests from the cups and checked them. Ten times. Hundred times. A thousand times, maybe. It was dead silent. You threw them into the sink. Ran your hands over your face. Sat back down, next to me. "Are you feeling alright? Do you think we should see a doctor?"
"Maybe we should wait." Why did I only feel more anxiety rushing through my blood? "I might just get my period. Women bodies are created in a complicated way." I laughed half-heartedly. You stared at me for minutes long. Walked away. Came back with my diary. Flipped through the pages. Your eyes landing onto the little flower I drew to remind myself when my period would be.
"Your period was a week ago."
"Maybe it's the ovulation. I don't know, Zev." I jerked the diary out of your hands, stood up and walked away. "Don't worry about it. I'm fine." I know I had sounded cold, but I didn't want you to confirm the thoughts that kept me up at night. I was afraid, Zev. Terrified.
And when we walked back downstairs, and I saw Benjamin sitting at the table with his milk and oreos, his feet not touching the floor, yet, I suddenly started crying. Hard. Loudly. Benjamin had dropped his oreos, looked at me with questionable eyes, walked over to me. Carefully. "Mamma?"
"Nothing's wrong, Benji." I had answered quickly. "Remember the sticks on the bathroom floor? They were pregnancy tests. I thought maybe I was pregnant, but I'm not, so I'm just a little disappointed." I had rattled out, not wanting to worry him, leaving the other concerns out.
I plopped down onto the couch. Benjamin stood in front of me. Kept pressing his knees against mine. A little unsure of what to say. "Was it pee?"
His comment was a little unexpected, so I laughed a little. "Yeah. Sorry, Amore."
"I can flush it away for you if you want."
I pinched his cheeks, pulled him onto my lap. You quietly went upstairs. Seconds later, I heard the toilet flush. Something getting thrown into the trashcan. You came back downstairs. Sat down beside us and told Benjamin about some horse show we had seen on the television the night before. The small talks comforted me. You knew that. But I also knew that later, when Benjamin would be back in bed, the talk would get a little more difficult.
"I love you.."
"More than there are flowers in the fields and raindrops in the heavy clouds." Benjamin pecked my lips, stared at you. "Story?"
You smiled at him, but it was heavy loaded. With apprehension, melancholy, even more. You read him a story. I listened to your soothing, deep and mellow voice. Ran my fingers over Benjamins back in the meantime. Quickly, he had fallen asleep.
Our hands entangled. You brought mine up to your face, kissed my knuckles, your eyes boring through mine. "Ti amo, Aurora."
I had given you a tired smile. Left Benjamin to sleep, went to our own bed. "Tomorrow, we'll go see a doctor. No discussion." I didn't say anything, knew it was needed, no matter how much the unknown anxiety tried to hold me back. "I love you, Aurora."
"I love you too, Zev."
"In sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life."
"Zev.." I started crying.
"I'm sorry. It may be nothing. I just felt the need to say it."
I clamped onto you like there was no tomorrow, the both of us falling asleep like that.
The general practitioner asked a bunch of questions first. About the appetite loss, the bloating, the swelling, the uncomfortable feeling. Gently felt my tummy, checking for any swelling and lumps. Lumps. The word, alone. Then the question came that made us lose the color on our faces. If there was history in breast or ovarian cancer in my family.
"I'm not suggesting anything, I always need to ask those questions before further examination." He gave us a reassuring smile, which, for some reasons, calmed me. You squeezed my hand. I squeezed yours. It went back and forth.
"I'd like to do an internal examination and take a sample of your blood. It will be sent to the laboratory and will check for a certain substance."
The internal examination was incredibly uncomfortable. And when he was done, I couldn't wait for my blood to be sucked and sent to wherever, only so I could go back home. "I'll call you with the results as soon as possible, for now, don't worry too much because I mentioned cancer. It could be anything, and may not be as bad as your mind is most likely suggesting you. I can assure you that."
We felt relieved at that. Back home, we ate some pizza with Benjamin, who picked up on our concerns and the heavy atmosphere. He was at Teddy's a lot, going to the riding school where he got western lessons. We paid for a lot more, so he could do something he liked, without having to worry about his home situation too much.
You stayed home the next day. You were extremely restless. Walking back and forth through the house, with no reason. Drinking lots of water, coffee, but eating nothing at all. You couldn't work from home, apologised to Teddy, but he told us it was more than okay and you could take the day off. Around two in the afternoon, the phone rang. I begged for you to take it, but eventually, the doctor needed to speak to me personally.
"So, the blood test which we have taken would check for a substance called CA125. If there is a high level of CA125 present in your blood, it could be a sign of ovarian cancer. Unfortunately, we found a quite high level of that substance in your blood. However, it can also be caused by other conditions, that's why we would like to do a scan for further information."
It was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was at loss for words. So were you. We didn't know what to say, didn't have anything to say. It was the suspense, the uncertainty that killed us both. On some moments, I was sure I had it, I was going to die, I would have to leave everything behind. On other moments, I was sure I was just fine, and the word cancer just had a huge power. It could ruin lives, figuratively and literally, was something that made you worry before things were even confirmed.
When Benjamin came home, he had enthusiastically told us about his new experience, goat tying, and asked if he could do that more often. I felt bad for him, Zev. Still do. We couldn't answer as enthusiastically as we would have wanted to. Our minds wouldn't allow us. Immediately he picked up on that. His smile faltered. He stared at us. "It's not that dangerous, I promise. Even Teddy said-"
"Benjamin, we need to talk." I blurted out. Saw how your eyes widened. "We have to." I whispered to you. "Mamma has been having lots of stomach aches lately, so we have to visit to hospital to see if everything is okay. I'm sure it's nothing major, but it's always nice to be certain of it, yeah?"
Benjamin started squeezing his eyes closed. A sign of him needing to cry. He held himself together quite well. You comforted him. "Just to be sure, campione. Don't worry, alright? We just thought it was good for you to know. I'm sure you've seen Mamma and Papà sad sometimes."
Benjamin slept in between us that night. Sometimes he held onto you, sometimes he held onto me. Sometimes he sat up, in the middle of the night. Stared at me. Stared at you. His mind entangled him.
Teddy took him for the next day, as we went to the hospital. An abdominal ultrasound. I had closed my eyes. Pretended it was an ultrasound for a new baby. But our fear got confirmed. Changes were seen in my ovaries. To confirm or rule it out still, I needed more tests.
A CT scan. A biopsy. Another call further in the week.
"We have the results. We would like to invite you over to the hospital so we can talk about it."
You were devastated. You couldn't express your emotions properly. You walked around like a headless chicken. "We don't know until it's confirmed, Zev." I tried to calm you, but myself with those words, too.
I remember sitting down onto the uncomfortable, white chairs. A desk separating the doctor and us. He held a folder full of papers. Glasses on the edge of his nose. His grey curls uncontrolled on top of his head. His gaze was warm, but serious. I had squeezed your hands, they laid in my lap, where I played with them.
"Mr. and Mrs. Malin, welcome." He let out a deep breath, flipped through the papers and showed us the results of the biopsy and the CT scan. "I suggest we skip the small talk.. unfortunately I have to inform you that you, confirming our suspicions, indeed have ovarian cancer."
Silence. A big smack against my face. The ticking of the clock, but the time, even world, stood still at that exact same moment. Cancer. I had cancer. It was as if my mind left my body, hovering above the two of us, seeing us sitting there, devastated by the news, not being able to do anything about it but feel sorry.
A loud smack brought me back to reality. You had fallen off your chair, had fainted by the news. You were gone for two minutes, if it wasn't more. I had crouched down beside you, stroked your cheek. "Zev, can you hear me?" I had whispered, my shaky voice not being able to do so any louder.
They laid you onto a small bench further away in the room. I stayed with you until you came back to your senses. Right away, a frown creased your forehead, you complained about the back of your head hurting.
And without, at all, understanding, I laughed. "Why do you feel the need to make it about you, when I'm the sick one here." I teased, the comment enlightening the whole atmosphere for some, darn weird reasons. I cursed at you in Italian, it caused your lips to curl up slightly.
"I'm sorry."
"You better be."
You slowly sat back up, reached for the cloth wrapped around some ice which the nurse had gotten you. Pressing it behind your head, I kissed your face. Whispered that I loved you. You whispered it back. Then, the serious talk began.
"You have been diagnosed with stage three, ovarian cancer. Stage three means that it has spread to the lining of your tummy and to the lymph glands in the pelvis or tummy." The doctor continued, after reassuring that you were okay. "Furthermore, the treatment.. the aim of the treatment is to cure the cancer if possible, I guess the time will learn us that. The different types of most common treatment are surgery and chemotherapy. Other options would be radiotherapy and targeted therapies. The health team and I are still opting out the options which would be with the most effect for you."
I cursed in Italian.
The rest, we barely heard. They gave us time to process the news. In the car, we both cried our hearts out. Even if there was a chance it could be cured, our lives had changed drastically right there in that small doctors room. And it would never be the same from then on.
But the worst part was yet to come. Telling Benjamin the news.
We picked him up from Teddy's, had shaken our heads at him, to which he knew the news was bad. We promised to talk to him later, felt that Benjamin deserved to hear it first. For dinner, he was allowed to choose what to eat. Fries and burgers. Back at home, we ate dinner first, allowing him to thoroughly enjoy his dinner, even if I'd never like to call that 'food' dinner in the first place, before we tried to talk to him.
The both of us didn't know how to start a conversation like this. But in our defense, who would?
"Benji?" You cleared your throat, reached for his, soaked in grease, hands. "Mamma and I have to tell you something.."
The words couldn't leave your mouth anymore. I think the reality of the disease hit us right at that moment. I waited, but you couldn't speak. "Benjamin, amore, I'm quite sick.. I have ovarian cancer."
Benjamin stared at us for a dead silent moment long. For a minute, I thought he would faint, just like you did, but on the contrary. The Italian temper he had sometimes appeared. Greatly. His breathing became erratic, wetness glazed his eyes. "Are you going to die?"
We could neither confirm or deny that. The uncertainty killed him, too.
He started squeezing his eyes closed. Blinked harshly, rapidly. "No, no. I don't want it." He already mourned. "I don't want you to be sick. I don't want you to die."
"Mamma will get lots of medicines and treatment, Amore." You tried to calm him.
"No! I don't want to see you in a stupid coffin!" He had screamed out, pushed his chair away and had ran upstairs, his door closing with a loud slam.
His comment made us understand the situation even more. We couldn't enclose that it wouldn't happen. We just couldn't. We didn't want to be dragged into the deep, but we had to be realistic. Especially for our boy.
Later in bed that night, Benjamin had joined us, had gripped onto me like I wouldn't live the day after. The three of us cried, until we all fell asleep.
•
Sorry for the very long wait. a lot has happened in real life, so my mind wasn't with it. Anyway, I hope you 'liked' the chapter.
What do you think of aurora's diagnosis?
Benjamin and zevs reactions?
Let me know in the comments