A/N:
Mentions of rape & sexual assault.
If you're uncomfortable with this topic, you're more than welcome to skip this chapter.
If any of you have gone through this type of subject, I'm truly sorry from the absolute bottom of my heart. You're seen & heard, you're so so valid. Much love for everyone. You're strong, you're safe.
I love you, and enjoy the chapter.
*PHOEBE'S POV*
Well, my feet carried me to the cutest fucking coffee shop I've ever seen.
Harry's called a million times, texted even more times than that. I haven't responded to a single one, mainly because it got to the point of me shutting my phone off.
It's not that I don't wanna talk to him, I always do. He's the only person I can talk to. But, I want my alone time.
Also, I'm getting a good ass song out of feeling this way, so fuck it.
This one... I'm not ready to share with anyone for a long time. I don't even have much written, but it's the most personal one yet.
Harry see's and listens to all my songs... but not this one.
And curse that fucker, because of course, when I allow myself to think of him, I see the curly headed boy step into what I thought was a secretive coffee shop.
Fuck, my journal. Put. It. AWAY.
I fumble to shove it into my tote, but by the time I do, he's already standing in front of me, crouching down to my level in my chair.
His intimidating look usually worries me, but all I can do now is stare back. Why does he always wanna be near me when I want to be the furthest from him?
Which by the way, happens once in a lifetime, so now I'm really pissed.
"How in the hell did you find me?" I blurt out, just as confused as I sound.
"Your location is still shown when your phone is shut off, P." He said in a serious tone, making me nervous on why he's this upset.
"What's got you so grumpy, curly?" I decided to play this game, feeling more enthusiasm than I usually would in this situation.
"Don't play dumb right now, Phoebe Stone." He takes a seat in the wooden chair across from me, plopping down on it harshly. He obviously wants me to know he's mad.
"Dumb how? I'm not playing dumb, no way!" I say sarcastically, wavering my hand in the air as I spoke.
"What's in the journal, P?" He motions his hands by my tote, obviously seeing that I had a struggle fitting it back in there.
"N-nothing, absolutely nothing!" I didn't mean to stutter, but it comes out when I'm nervous. I smile shyly, trying to hide that I don't want him to see it.
"C'mon." He motioned his hand on my tote, completely getting up, just to see what's in this stupid fucking journal that he knows I've had for years.
"S-stop! Give it back, curly!" I struggle to grasp it out of his hands, his grip too tight for me to get it fully. He pulled the rest of it out of my hands, causing me to get angry. "Please, H. Give it back."
"You never hide things from me, what's with the sudden change?" He asked, tilting his head, but still keeping my journal closed. I know he'd never do something I didn't want him to, especially with my journal. He'll give it up soon, I hope.
"N-nothing. Just please give it back." My tone becomes more stern as he just stands there, not giving a care in the world. But, his whole demeanor changed, suddenly handing it back to me.
"I'd never look through something without your permission. The last thing I wanna do is invade any privacy you'll ever get." He looked more emotional, swooping me into a hug.
"Thank you." I whispered, squeezing him for a second till I let go.
"Do you want me to stay?" He asked precisely, and usually I'd want him to, but the alone time with myself wasn't as bad as I thought.
"If you don't mind, I was actually having a decent time by myself for once," I spoke out, which made his face perk up. I never go out on my own. "I know, weird."
"Don't ever be afraid to tell me you need alone time, everyone needs it every once in a while. Let me know when you need picked up, I'll come get you." He told me before getting back out of his seat, ready to leave.
"Sounds good, I love you!" I shouted as he made his escape out of the coffee shop.
"I love you too, P. Have fun!" He smiled, and I swear it just brightened up the whole damn room.
I've been here for a few hours, and I texted Harry to come get me about 5 minutes ago. I got some of a song written that I'm actually gonna show H, I think it could be good for the album.
We've written a few songs, but we're not sure if they're "album" worthy. He's still figuring out his sound. The thing is, he's never been super insecure with something he's writing, but it seems now that he's without the boys, he can't sing or write by himself.
Texting me he's here outside of the coffee shop, I gather my things into my tote, putting it on my shoulder as I stride out of the cafe, waving the workers goodbye. This might be where I come now in my alone time, it's peaceful and kind.
The tinted windows on his car make it hard to see inside, but I can tell he's struggling with something. As soon as I opened the door, he rushed to finish buckling his belt, looking at me with dilated pupils and a nervous grin.
That little punk had sex while I did his job.
"Was she hot?" I ask out loud, carefully placing my tote on the ground by my feet, buckling myself up as he finally puts his belt back on. Harry and I have always been open about who we hook up with and past relationships, it's never been a secret.
In fact, my last relationship was with a girl.
I've never hid that I'm bisexual, I'm more proud than I am scared. Finding who you are can be scary, always being labeled as a phase, people telling you that you'll grow out of the "stage."
I've known ever since I started highschool, but I didn't fully come until junior year. When I told Harry, he said he'd always known and that he obviously supported me, him being unlabeled now himself. Telling my dad was a different story, I almost shit myself when he didn't respond for about a minute, then sobbing like a maniac because he was so proud of me.
Spencer was more than supportive, I already knew he would be because he's just that type of person.
I'm thankful for the positive response I got from it, some arrogant bitches in high school would make fun of me, but that's kinda what comes along with it.
"How'd you know?" Harry replied back, laughing before placing the seat belt back over his body, hugging his every muscle.
"The bisexual tendencies were tingling." I joke, giggling a bit at my own joke.
Sitting in the car talking about random shit lasted for almost an hour, getting lost in conversation about the mysterious hookup he just had. The longer I sit in the car, the more I realize what the fuck he did.
"Seriously?" I sass.
"Huh?" He pretends to act confused, knowing what I just realized after sniffing around the car.
"You seriously just had sex in your very own car, picking me up probably not even 5 minutes later?" I look him straight in the eyes as he starts to laugh genuinely.
"Oh c'mon, P, it's not like you haven't done the same thing to me. Hell, I had to teach you how to drive." He affirmed, finally turning the key in the ignition, starting our drive back.
"Oh piss off." I leave it at that, the rest of the drive containing us fighting over what music to play. We both have the same taste for the most part, leaving the rest to me.
The rest of the drive left us with more laughter, eventually leading us back to the rental house, us plopping ourselves on the couch. The band ended up going out to lunch, leaving us two alone.
*PLAY SONG NOW*
"You've never actually told me what happened with you and Ashlyn, why it ended." He approached, the topic of him being unlabeled leading to this. I should've expected it, I've just never had the courage to tell anyone what actually happened.
"I told you, we got in a bad fight and it led to us ending things." I get uncomfortable with the topic, already wanting him to drop it for the second time today.
"I know that's not the truth, Phoebe." He used my full name, and now I'm definitely obligated to tell him the real story.
"You did that shit on purpose." I point at him, smacking his knee softly, causing a tender laughter to come out of his mouth. "Plus, I don't wanna cry."
"Oh c'mon, you're too scared to cry in front of me now? You do that more than you smile... C'mon. It's just me." He finished in a comforting voice, leaning his arms around the couch, us sitting across from each other.
"Okay." I agree to finally tell him, but I'm curious as to why he didn't wanna know this a year and a half ago.
Yes, I said a year and a half.
Of course I've had sex since then, who would I be if I didn't? But it didn't please me or appeal to me enough to want another relationship. Ashlyn loved and destroyed me at the same time. But the thing is, I'm the one who ended it, even though by the story I'm about to tell, she should've been the one.
What can I say? I was whipped and trapped under her love spell.
But I can't complain, she was the love I had always dreamt of having, she gave me what I needed until she fucked it up, giving me an excuse as to why I really left.
I'd be dumb to tell Harry the reason I left her is because I've been falling in love with him for years.
Being with Ashlyn was like a cover up, masking the feelings I had for Harry and trying to fall for someone else. It worked for a long while, but eventually when she fucked up, the wall was brought down and I couldn't face that factor anymore.
"If gets too much you can stop, I don't wanna push you too-"
"Harry, you wanted to know so I'm gonna tell you." I shot back, disrupting him. I know he's trying to be nice, but the subject of her pushes my buttons sometimes. He nodded, waiting as I twisted my hair around my finger nervously. "We were doing good for the first I'd say... the first year maybe? We had no issues, and we were always super open and honest with each other. She was the only person I'd ever been that open with besides you."
"How open did you get?" He asked curiously, placing his hand on his knee, twisting his rings around.
"Told her about my mom open." I say plainly, knowing he'll get how open that means. Harry and Ashlyn are the only people I've ever trusted with family issues, she knew everything by the end of the relationship. She was an open book front eh beginning, it took a little bit of time for me to get a head start.
"Geesh... That means she knows about the accident..." He looked at me as he said it, wondering as if he should've said that or not. I nodded my head in reply, looking down because I don't want him to see my nerves, that perceives me as weak. I don't care if I'm around my childhood best friend, I don't wanna be seen as weak or delicate.
Sometimes I don't wanna be seen at all.
"Anyway, everything was good, except she randomly became distant. She would stop telling me where she was going if I'd ask, she'd stop going places with me, and she'd stop talking in general. I'd try..." My voice breaks, swallowing the lump formed in my throat. The whole situation doesn't deserve my attention nor tears.
God, the things I do for this man.
"I'd try to touch her, she'd flinch and back away. I never knew what was wrong, I'd try and ask, and she'd just sit there in tears. I felt so helpless, Harry." A single tear fell down my cheek, onto my jaw, which Harry was quick to wipe off, but he did it slowly. Something felt so different about it, it was the most electrifying touch.
"Was she... depressed? Or anxious about anything?" He tilted his head in curiosity, handing out ideas.
"No, well I don't know that for sure, but I found out what happened to her." I said slowly, not prepared to bring up the topic. What I'm about to say is the main reason it was so hard to leave her, but in a way, she left me too. He nodded his head, waiting for me to continue like this is easy. But what he says, it assured me to take my time.
"Take your time, Pheebs. I know this is hard." He assured me, grabbing my hand, folding it with his as he stroked his thumb in patterns into my skin.
This gesture is the one I love most.
"She... she randomly started to talk to me one day, I was more shocked than anything else. She opened up about everything she was feeling..." I can't cut to the chase, it's the hardest thing to talk about. Women and any girl in the world could go through this same thing, and the worst part is, the people who haven't been through it feel so helpless. You don't know what to say, you feel as if you react in a wrong way, everything could fall apart right then and there.
"P... What happened?" His eyes grew with more anticipation as he continued to speak.
"You remember that kid Jack from freshman year... before you left?" I asked, the memory bringing a mix of anger and laughter to his face. Jack was the biggest jerk in school, the biggest perv I should say.
"Yup, guys a jackass." He stated clearly, laughing at the thought of him as anyone should.
"He... he rapped Ashlyn."
Harry's enthusiastic expression from Jack turns to pure sadness and rage at the same time, I can practically see the tears and fumes forming at the same time. He covered his mouth with his hand, it clearly shaking.
Ashlyn and Harry got along more than anyone should, almost as close as we are. But, he didn't know any of this, Ashlyn has only told me and the people who helped her at the hospital.
"Oh my god..." He finally looked me in the eyes, both of ours teary. "I had no idea..."
"I didn't either. She told me the day she came home from the hospital, the bruises and dirty marks left me speechless. I couldn't.... I couldn't process any words to physically come out. All I did was gesture if I could give her a hug, which she approved of. I held her for hours, comforted her, got her anything she needed." The salty form of water keeps slipping from my hovered eyes, reliving the memory in the present time.
"Is... is she okay? I know that that sort of thing or memory doesn't just... go away." He asked, keeping his hand in mine as we tried to comfort each other like I did with Ash.
"As far as I know, yeah. I contact her all the time, reaching out now is the least I could do. We love catching up with each other."
"So you're still friends?" He asked, obviously wanting me to say yes. I think she'd love to hear from Harry sometime soon, they were practically inseparable.
"A million times yes, I couldn't live without her in my life now. We talk like once a week, sometimes more." I told him, completely forgetting to tell him how things ended. "Sorry, I never really told you why it ended."
"Well, I think that was a part you needed to include, and I'm glad you did. I miss her." He spoke, and I agreed.
"After that, we were okay for a few months, but then she became distant again, and I couldn't put up with it. I was visiting home before the last tour with the boys ended, and she FaceTimed me." I explained, completely shattered at the memories.
"What did she say?" He asked.
"She told me how in love she was with me, completely reliving all the good memories we'd ever had. I came back a few days later to LA to see her before the final gig at Sheffield Arena. When I got to her place, she told me she couldn't do it anymore and-"
"Out of nowhere? Did you guys have contact within those three days?" He asked as I replied.
"I tried to text, call, FaceTime her, you name it. And she didn't answer any of those. She told me it was all too much and she couldn't handle the pressure of me anymore." More tears escaped my eyes, Harry pulling me into a full hug. Nothing feels better than his presence, his touch.
"Shh... It's okay."
"I was just collateral damage." I whispered. "I was just some pressure she couldn't handle."
"Hey hey... Look at me." He spoke softly but sternly, taking my face in his hands as he always does. "You're not just pressure. You're everything and more. And I love you, so much." He pulled my head down to his shoulder, scratching the hair by the nape of my neck.
If only he knew that the definition of love became so much more real with him.
If only he knew I left her for him someday, in this crazy universe, whenever he decides he's ready.
Cause I know he feels it too.
***
Song: The Peak of my Existence - Jessica Mazin.
This song & chapter absolutely crushed me. Jessie wrote this song for Duplicity, but I loved it too much to not use it for this chapter. I definitely cried while making this.
ALSO, we'll meet Ashlyn very soon!
Please do anything you can to boost my book, I'm so proud of it & this chapter's message. Tell your friends, post it, anything!
I love you, see you soon.