» Destroy the idea that repressing emotions is a strength. «
「 Lesson #13: Make an effort to understand where someone is coming from. 」
Dedicated to: jenzieforlife101 and -awtumn for being active on my page and being super kind xx
A/N ~ Guys like I don't even know why I haven't been uploading I've legit been on holidays so I should have made time but I just didn't. I am so sorry but I will give this book the ending it deserves I promise. X
I will post again when this reaches... 70 votes and comments :)
POV: Mackenzie Ziegler
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I smoothed out my deep red dress in the mirror, an anxious gesture that took me back to the days when Johnny and I first started dating as teenagers. We were going out for dinner together, and ever the perfectionist, I wanted John to think I looked nice. I really took time to survey myself and my curves and the way my reflection looked, picking out every imperfection.
I'd lost weight, I noticed, what with all the stress of moving in with Johnny. The last few months had definitely taken a toll on me, and as a consequence I'd lost weight in my arms and legs. I really, honestly didn't know how to feel about that. I noticed I was also very pale, which I'd tried to hide with self tanner, and there were frown lines on my face. I smoothed them out with a deep breath and closing my eyes, I imagined all anxiety leaving my body like my therapist told me to do.
She'd been helping me deal with the changes in my life; my grief over my Mother, the guilt I felt for leaving Hayden, and the fast-paced life of having two children at twenty three. She helped me work through what was going on inside my head, what was going on in my relationship with Johnny, and how to help support him through his post traumatic stress disorder from the military.
I was suffocated in this relationship, I knew. I loved Johnny more than I ever had, and he was the man I loved most in the world, but I was tired. I needed a change of scenery, some time to myself so I could gather my thoughts, and so I could figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and career. Did I want to accept the job offer in Canada, and be closer to Johnnys family? Was I content with two children, or did I want more? Am I happy with the house and the place that I live currently? The constant question mark hanging over my head had been what prompted me to seek out a therapist, and I was half suprised and half relieved when she prescribed alone time and a small break from a serious relationship. I had been comitted for a very long time, she had said, and it was time for me to step away for a bit and let Johnny take care of the kids.
I was drowning in routine, as the last five years of my life had almost consisted of the exact same day; wake up, get the kids ready for school, go to work, pick them up, have dinner, and go back to bed again. That's not to say I don't love the kids, for I do so very much, but I'm so burnt out I can't even be grateful for what they bring to my life- love, laughter, light, and a sense of belonging and grounding.
Just as I was lost in thought, I noticed John staring up at me from the doorway. My body instinctively relaxed and I smiled shyly at him through the reflection in the mirror. For all my inner struggles and negative thought patterns, he was still the absolute love of my life. Taking a few short steps over to me, he slowly enveloped me in a hug from behind, and I closed my eyes in bliss.
He groaned, and then chuckled against my neck. "You smell so good. And you look very pretty."
I looked up at him, a smile dancing on my lips. "I love you," Was what I said in return, pressing a feather light kiss to his jaw, "So much."
He held me tighter, and I noticed him blush. I didn't always give professions of love, but when I did, I was rewarded with his bashfulness. He tucked my hair behind my ear tenderly, eyes flitting around my face.
"We should go," I said softly, "The babysitter will be wondering what we're doing," I then giggled.
"M'kay," He chuckled again, and linking our hands, we headed out to say our goodbyes. Max and Brea were already sleepy as it was getting late, and they wouldn't be any trouble getting to bed.
Our night out and dinner was beautiful. The meal was exquisite, and conversation flowed easily between us like it always had. The night was romantic and calming; so much so that I regretted having to talk to him about us and my future. But when we paid the bill, I asked if we could stargaze, because I wanted to talk about something. So, ever the gentleman, he drove the short road to the nearest beach, and in the dark we laid down in the sand on a picnic blanket together.
"You can talk now," He said gently as he drew patterns on the side of my cheek, sensing my hesitancy.
"I don't even know what to say," I said softly, so overcome with emotion that I teared up.
Concern was written all over Johnny's face.
"It's okay," He said, "Take your time."
"I feel really suffocated. And tired." I let out a big breath, so nervous that it wasn't going to come out right.
He nodded for me to keep going.
"I just... I'm in my early twenties, and I feel forty. I just feel so restricted with my life. Like, I haven't been single since I was like sixteen, and I don't even know who I am without a partner and kids. I don't... I don't have any passions or a good job and it just feels like everyday is the same. I just feel like everyday is just repeating over and over."
I was avoiding Johnny's gaze, but when I looked back he had tears in his eyes just like I had.
I sighed, and gestured to him.
"And then I feel guilty for being sad, when I have such an amazing partner like you. Like, you're everything I've ever wanted and a thousand times more, and here I am complaining. I mean, you're crying and I'm the one that's upset!"
Johnny gave me a weak smile. "I'm crying because I'm sad for you. But they're happy tears too. Because I'm proud of you."
"Proud of me?" I was taken aback.
"You are so brave," He said softly, planting a kiss on my cheek, "And you've been the best Mum for the last five years. But I get it. You need to step away, love. It's not maintainable."
"See, and you understand exactly what I need." I half cried, half laughed, before I promptly burst into tears. I reached for Johnny and he bundled me up, holding me close. I clutched on tight to him and squeezed my eyes shut. When we both had calmed down, we drew away from each other.
"So, we need to make a plan to fix this," I said, wiping my eyes, "I've been thinking about it a lot. And talking it over in therapy."
John nodded. "Go on," Was all he said.
"I need to travel." Was all I could muster. "Alone."
Johnny pursed his lips. "For how long?"
"I don't know," I whispered, "However long it takes, I guess."
"I'm going to miss you." He blurted, and I laughed.
"I'm going to miss you guys just as much. But I just... I have this feeling, deep in my soul, that this is what I need. I need to feel refreshed, and I need to start again, and I need to live a simple life, and learn to put myself first for a bit."
"So Brea and Max..." He trailed off, tone questioning.
"Will be staying with you." I confirmed, "I wouldn't want them with anyone else."
"It'll be good for me too, I think." He pondered. "As much as I love you, this relationship has gone so fast. And I need to bond with them, before we set out on the next phase our lives, right?"
"Right." I said, my heart swelling.
We sat in silence for a while, listening to the lull of the waves, the chirping of the crickets, and surveying the vastness of the star filled sky. I was so relaxed and finally at peace, my eyelids started to droop, and I felt fatigue start to seep into my bones. I held out a hand to him.
"C'mon," I said, "Bedtime." It was what I said to Brea and Max every night. Johnny laughed and let me pull him up.
We dusted ourselves off, picked up the blanket, and made the short drive home. We said our goodbye to and thanked our babysitter, and checked on Brea and Max- who were, frankly, fast asleep- before stripping and changing into pajamas.
John reached for me under the covers, and I wound myself around him, trying to heat up my cold body. I traced love hearts on the exposed skin at his back, smiling as I felt him shiver. His lips found my own, and we kissed slowly, languidly, until the late hour it was became midnight.
"I love you," I whispered, upon breaking away, breathing in deeply.
He kissed from my jaw down to my neck. "I love you more."
I chuckled to myself, biting back a moan, and surrendered to him, losing myself in his body and touch.
I knew we needed time apart.
But that was only going to make our relationship stronger.
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AUTHORS NOTE
Guys I don't understand why I have been avoiding wattpad but I really just have and I don't know why, I'm sorry if I haven't opened messages from you guys but I just have a lot going on in my head right now... On the 8th Feb I leave home and on the 15th I start University and I am so excited but scared at the same time?!?! Like I am so scared that people won't like me and I won't make friends lol 😙✌🏼
QUESTION OF THE CHAPTER
Q) Do you want to do further study or training after high school? If you do, what do you want to study?
A) I'm going to University to do a bachelor of arts in development studies (google it lol) and some other social sciences :))
LOTS OF LOVE
You guys are the BEST I love you more than you know ty for always being so WELCOMING everytime I come back tehe
– Trinity xoxo