r o r y
I run my palm over Rosie's thigh with a lazy smile on my face. The haze of a late afternoon keeps my brain fogged and my body loose with unfathomable comfort. "I'm so jealous of how gorgeous you are."
"We've gone over this a thousand times." She taps my cheek and looks down at me with a smile just as lazy. "You have nothing to be jealous of. You're beautiful." She rewards me with a gentle kiss for reassurance. "Everything about you is. And the way you fuck should be illegal."
I giggle and bite the end of my thumb. "You really think so?"
"This has been the most blissful week of my life, cariño."
"Seriously?"
She nods vigorously. "I was disappointed when your ex said we could not see each other again. Now, I don't need to worry about that." She sighs and rests her cheek on the back of her hand. "I can have you whenever I want."
My heart flutters. I continue to tease the soft skin of her thighs. "This is true."
"What kind of person gives up a girl like you? He is crazy."
"Yeah." I glance off to the side and resist the threat of emotion. It's almost been a month and I've gotten so close to forgetting about Chace. Between college and a casual hookup here or there, I'd say I've done pretty well handling myself. It's only when he's brought up in conversation do I fear that I haven't made any progress. Something dull and heavy still pulls at my chest. Am I still sad? Is that okay?
"Sorry! I don't mean to bring up your ex like this." She looks down at our bodies so beautifully intertwined. Flushed and secure. I wish I were an artist so I could paint the sight of us. "I am not used to this, I guess."
"It's fine." I hold her face and plant a long kiss against her lips. Long enough to forget what made me uncomfortable in the first place. "I'm not either. I haven't done something like this for a while. I don't know if it's appropriate to talk about my feelings."
"I think so. At least, with me. I am okay with it. Talking to you feels nice."
I give her a shy look. "Yeah? I thought I intimidated you."
"True, at first. I am not intimidated anymore. I am glad you came back to me."
The night after Tyler rejected my embarrassing, drunken advances, I sought solace in Rosie. She's been the best thing to happen to me since the breakup. Not only is the sex amazing, but so is her soft heart. She's listened to me rant and complain about our relationship. Even when I broke down and cried, she was beyond supportive. Never did she get antsy or uncomfortable, but embraced me like a friend and a lover.
Tyler was right. I was broken-hearted. All I could think of was getting revenge on Chace, hurting him like he hurt me. What better way to give him what he wants than to hook up with his brother? That wouldn't be fair to Tyler. He doesn't deserve to be used. If his feelings for me are real, the last thing he needs is me playing with his heart because Chace played with mine.
Our friendship is still uncertain. With the element of Chace out of the picture, it only leaves space for Tyler to continue to challenge my feelings for him. My feelings he thinks I have for him. With the fog cleared, I still came to the conclusion that I loved Chace more than anything in the world. And while I've wanted to see Tyler, it's purely in the sense of friendship. I've wanted to see Chace out of love...lust. Everything has changed yet nothing in me has moved.
I'm the same girl I was before.
So why haven't I gone to see him since he rejected me? Am I scared? Embarrassed? Tyler was understanding and kind to me after everything. I should have taken up his offer and sought his friendship. He could probably use one himself. I didn't just lose my boyfriend; he also lost his brother.
"Is it wrong-" I begin with haste, but slow when I realize what I'm going to say next, "to see his brother?"
Rosie purses her lips to the side. "Hmm?"
"His brother. Chace's brother. We were becoming friends and some weird things happened."
"Weird?"
Like gaps in my memory that I still haven't figured out. I bite the inside of my cheek. Don't think about that. What's done is done. Whenever thoughts of that day come up where I woke up in bed with Tyler, so do memories I've fought so hard to suppress. David. My parents. The baby...
Guilt shoots through my chest and wraps around my throat as I am reminded once again of what I did not so long ago. The life I lived is only around the corner. The years come racing back, and I am that foolish girl again. I stare unblinkingly as the nurse proceeds to talk in a detached manner. My mother's mocha eyes stare down at me as she tries to reassure me that everything is for my own good. Everything is for me and my future. But what about the baby? It never had a chance. It's my fault. All of it is my fault.
"Rory?"
I blink past sudden tears and find Rosie's sitting up alert and full of concern. "We-we hung out a lot," I catch myself up. What was that? Get a hold of yourself. Sweat builds up on my palms and my fingers cramp as I clench them. "After some time, he confessed that he had feelings for me. I didn't feel the same, but I wanted to keep being his friend. It just...made things weird."
She lingers, taking in my expression and glancing at my fists bunched up around the blankets. "Does he still have these feelings for you?"
"I don't know. He said he'll always be there for me as a friend."
"If I know anything, it is that most people would rather have you in their lives forever as a friend rather than risk losing you forever as a lover. He is your ex's brother. That is weird. Maybe he wants to focus on being there for you. Maybe it will not be so bad." She shrugs. "But it could get messy. You both lost the same person, and he likes you, and you probably like him...enough to want to be his friend."
"I have slept with him before. It happened before I met Chace," I rush out upon her abrupt shock. "We had a one-night stand months ago." The same night you stood me up, actually. That little detail is no longer relevant.
"So, you have sexual chemistry and you are friends." She grimaces. "Why did Chace leave you again?"
"He thinks I have feelings for Tyler when I don't!"
She narrows her eyes. "Mhm. And the reason you brought him up in the first place?"
"We shouldn't have to suffer alone just because Chace dumped us. Our friendship was just fine without him." Up until he kissed me, but that's neither here nor there.
"Looks like you have already made up your mind." She snickers into her hands.
"I-" I clamp my mouth shut. Have I? "He's fun to be around and a good friend."
"I am all for supporting friendships." She leans her cheek on her palm and gives me a playful look. "But do not blame me when emotions spill over."
"Why would emotions spill over?" I fall back and rest my arm over my eyes. "I just want to be his friend."
"Sure! In the same way that we are friends," she chirps.
I give her an annoyed look. "You've never even met him."
"Don't have to. Just from the looks of it, you are feeling confused, anxious, guilty. Every time you come over, it is like you have been pent up for weeks and are releasing all of yourself into me." She smirks. "Not that I am complaining. Sexual frustration is tough. You are not going to get rid of it until you have what you really want."
I sigh. There's no denying that. "Chace was really good at fucking."
"How was Tyler?"
"What?"
She giggles at my response. "Was he good at fucking too?"
"I don't remember! It happened so long ago." I run my hands down my face as it burns. "I don't even want to think about that." Yet my mind is a traitor. The night Tyler and I came together is impossible not to remember. It's the first night in months I let myself slip and become reckless again. It was intense and tantalizing. Hot. Steamy. Rough. Wet. "Jesus," I grumble. "Just because I liked it back then doesn't mean I'll like it now."
"True. People change and grow and get bored. Also, people dwell on the past and what-ifs. I think you're curious. And we all know what curiosity does." She huffs with a longing sentiment. "There's nothing wrong with curiosity. It's a part of our nature. Look at me, for example. I went back and forth for so long about my attraction to women. I found every excuse in the book and rationalized with my emotions. Then, I finally threw caution into the wind and slept with a woman."
"Even if I were curious, it's wrong to think about. They're brothers. Even if I hate Chace now, it doesn't mean I should hurt him. Even if he wants me to."
"He wants you to?"
"He said I needed to figure out my feelings for Tyler. That I don't have."
"Well, I have nothing to say to that besides doing it for yourself. Whatever you decide, do it because you're curious. Not because your ex guilted you into it. You don't owe him anything anymore. I've learned to follow my desires and not suppress them. Suppressing them just hurts and drags out the inevitable."
I scrunch my lips. These are not the answers I want. "I don't think I'm suppressing anything."
"Then go see him!" She throws her hands up. "Hang out as friends. If nothing happens, great. If something does, great. Just make sure you don't stop seeing me in the process." She places a quick kiss against my lips. "I'm always down for a good time."
I smile and watch as she rolls out of bed. "What'll happen to us when one of us starts dating?"
"I do not know about you, but I have opened my horizons." She stretches her arms above her head, letting sunlight slip from the curtains and drench down her dark skin. "Why limit myself to one person? You did not, even when you were in a relationship. You are not going to start seeing one person at a time, are you?"
I bite my lip. "True. I've never been super into monogamy." Not that I have much of a choice. If I wasn't influenced in any way, would I still be the same woman? Would I love sex as much as I do? Where is the line between me and the consequences of my past?
"You know, I don't believe it's impossible to love more than one person at a time. If that were the case, how do we manage to love our friends and family? The heart has enough room to fit so many things. What's a lover or two?"
I look down at my fingers, tangling them and thinking about all the possibilities. Throw caution to the wind, huh? "Sounds invigorating."
Should Rory throw caution to the wind?
rae <3